The troubles of Terrence Muldoon


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The troubles of Terrence Muldoon

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Title:
The troubles of Terrence Muldoon
Series Title:
Snaps
Creator:
Teaser, Tom
Place of Publication:
New York
Publisher:
Frank Tousey
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Language:
English
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1 online resource, 28 pages

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Humorous stories, American ( lcsh )
Dime novels ( lcsh )
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serial ( sobekcm )

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University of South Florida Library
Holding Location:
University of South Florida
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The University of South Florida Libraries believes that the Item is in the Public Domain under the laws of the United States, but a determination was not made as to its copyright status under the copyright laws of other countries. The Item may not be in the Public Domain under the laws of other countries.
Resource Identifier:
025647914 ( ALEPH )
71304826 ( OCLC )
S78-00001 ( USFLDC DOI )
s78.1 ( USFLDC Handle )

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University of South Florida
Dime Novel Collection
Snaps

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serial

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Issued Weekly-By Subscription $2.50 ptr year. E1itered as Sec011d Class Matter at the New York Post Office by Frank Tousey. No. 14. NEW YORK. JAN UARY 10, 1900 Price 5 Cents. Pnliceni;m .Tmw,.: thr quilt. (:pt up, .. hr ,.:houl1'cl to )ful\loon. '.\rrr..:t him." hrg-grcl thr n'l:rn l)tl-\ind the be1l: 'hei-: g-ol <1 pi tol." >t rn4or ... joi1wcl in wifr. ''.\ncl a and a ,!!un: arnl n yelleL1 the childrl'n front umler the bed.

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HOW TO WHITE LOYE-LETTERS.-A most f(!lll plrte little book, eontaining full direc:tions for writing l oveletten,; and when to use them ; also giving specimen letters fol," both ;v n an1! old. o. 12. HO-W TO WRITE LF,.T;r'EH!'l TO LADIES.-Glvl n rornpll'ie iustructioni; for \\'!'!ting It>t to Indies on all subjectl: TRI CKS WITH CARDS. also lettl'rs of introdnction. not e s nncl rrqneRts. No. 1n. TIOW '1'0 DO 'l'HICKS W I'l'H. CARDS.-Cont[\ining o. '..?4' HOW ITO TO GENTLEMEN. explnnti ons of the genernl pl'itwipl<'!<_ of sleight-of-hand appl1<:n.\>le Containing f111l dire(.iions for ing to gentlemen on all subject. to <'Rl'd tricks of ('a rd tricks with ol'rotbf'r. employ<'r: nnj.], in fnc:t, everybody and an:r Ne. 72. HOW TO DO S I XTY. TIHCKF! WITII body you to write 1 0 EYery young man and every yon JI f b "-t t d t d cept1ve card tncks with II Jadv in the lnncl ,;honld h!we this hook. mvs e :o. 74 HOW TO WRI'l']<} LETTERS CORRECTLY ..:...C No. 77. HOW TO DO FORTY TRICKS WITn: CARJ?S.-tainiog f111l instrnction, s for writing on almost subjec Contai ing deC'eptiYP Card Trieks as performed by <'OnJurC:ril also rules for pnnctuatI
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s APS J\ Comic Weekly of Comic Stories by Comic Authors Issued Weekly-By Subsc-ription $2.50 per year. Entered as Second Olass Matter at the Neto York, N. Y., Post Office, October 9, 1899. Entered according to Act of Oongress, in the 11ear 1900, in the o(Tice of the Librarian of Oongress, Washington, D. 0., by Frai>k Tousey, 24 Union Square, New York. N o 14. NEW YORK, January 1 0 1900. Price 5 Cents. The Troubles of Terrence Muldoon. BY TOM TEASER I CHAPTER I. Terrence Muldoon was a somewhat eccentric Irishman of about middle age, living in the city of New York, possessed of ample means if not what you might call rich, shrewd in some ways and as gullible as a countryman in others. He had made money in Dublin, sold out, come to the United States and taken up his residence in New York, where he had connections by marriage. In Dublin he had been known as Muldoon, the Solid Man, and the title stuck to him when he came to New York, and it was not long before he was known by it from the Battery to Harlem, and even across the bridge, and so, as Muldoon, the Solid Man, he is now introduced to the thousands of readers of "Snaps. Muldoon, at the time the reader makes his acquaintance, is living in the upper part of the city in a snug little cottage which he has recently bought, and which he has christened "The Shamrock," after the manner of persons who rent coun try houses and call them by fancy and often most inappro priate names. With him is his nephew, young Roger O'Malley, an Irish American boy of just the right age to enjoy fun and put up jokes on people, most of all upon his uncle Muldoon. Many a joke has he worked off upon Muldoon, and yet the Solid Man is fond of him, albeit he has said more than once that he will kill that boy some day when he is up to his tricks. Not being obliged to work for a living, Muldoon enjoyed himself in many ways, and one of these ways was falling in love with the Widow Halorahan, a neighbor of his. He bought an accordeon and a book of instructions, and pro ceeded to learn "The Last Rose of Summer," much to the misery of the neighbors, so that he might serenade the widow and capture her heart by the aid of music. At last he was ready and one night he sat out to serenade his lady love, first letting her know, prudent lover that he was, that he was coming. 'l'he widow told a friend in strict confidence, and Jong be fore Muldoon's arrival the great secret was known to a score of persons. Among them was Bobby Burke, just such another as Roger, and his chum to boot. Well, Muldoon set out with his accordeon under his arm and a dream of love in his heart, and at the witching hour of mid night stood beneath the widow's window and began to pour out his tale of Jove through the medium of an instrument he was not too well acquainted with. "Arrah," he murmured, as he wrestled with the accordeon, "I wonder why the widdy don't wake up, and throw me a bokay and a diamond ring. Bedad, I'm catching cowld in me fate. I'd rather drive a dirt cart than play an accordeon. It's too near related to worruk. Just then a v o ice whispered from a window: "Give it to him, boys." Muldoon heard it. He thought that he recognized the widow's dulcet articula tion. "Here comes me reward-sponge cake and poi," he greefully chuckled, and put an extra variation into the "Last Rose." He was wrong. Very much so. Suddenly a brick knocked him over, then a shower of coal and slops descended upon him. Whack! came a boot ag:iinst his head. Bang! landed an empty soda-water bottle on his nose. Crash! sounded a water-pitcher as it smashed his hat over his eyes and broke on the sidewalk. "How1y Heaven!" shouted Muldoon, more dead thar! alive, "what in the devil has exploded?" Wheeze! went his cherished accordeon as a base-ball, skill fully slung by Roger, clubbed the stuffings out of him. Muldoon started to get up. Half of a chair took him in the stomach and forced him to sit down again. "Be Heaven, it's a furniture store that has burst-it's raining chairs. Tin to wan they'll slug me wid a grand pianny, nixt!" moaned he. "Oh, kill the cat!" said a voice from the window. "Hit it in the jaw!" "Knock it's tail off!" "Hold on-I'll kill him with the lounge "Don't-take the bed!" "No; III use the gun! It's loaded with horse-shoe nails ancl railroad spikes." Thus talked the voice from the window. "Moses Holy!" Muldoon gasped, "the suckers take me for a. cat, an' they're going to shoot me wid a gun. Whirra! whirra! it's a foine corpse I'll make wid me body stuck full av horse-shoe nails and railroad spikes. "Do you see that cat?" asked one of the voices. "Yes," responded a second. "Got a bead on him?" "Yes; I'll knock him stiff. Coming around here waking every one up with his damned yowling. Guess I'll put a flatiron in the gun, though, so's to be sure of killing the thin g." "Flat-iron!" ejaculated Muldoon, "shoot me wid a flat-iron_ Why the devil don't they load wid a whole stove. Faix, I'U tell them that I am no damned cat." Staggering to his feet, he yelled out: "Hey, ye devils!" "Who's that?" answered Roger. Muldoon knew the voice "It's that foine young angel av a nephew av mine," he groaned. "I might have suspected it. I belave that if I was buried sixteen fate in solid rock that spalpeen w o uld di g d own

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2 THE TROUBLES OF TERRENCE l\IULDOON. an' blow me out av me coffin wid fire-crackers, just for devil try. Roger O'Ma!ley, is that you?" "Yes," replied Roger, sweetly. "How did ye get up there?" "Grew." "Phat do yez mane by bombarding av me?" "Who are you?" "Sure your cheek is lustrous. I am your Uncle Muldoon." "In a horn. What are you giving me-glue?" "Who tlie devil am I then?" "A cat, of course." Muldoon began to feel somewhat stagger.ed. "Roger's a lunatic," he reflected, "he is a maniac. I belave that I have made a mistake an' serenaded an msane asylum!" Then in a louder tone of voice he remarked: "Roger, will yez play light on yer funniness and come down?" "Scat, Pussy!" was Roger's reply. "Oh, don't waste time chinning to a cat," interrupted Bobby .Burke, "heave the bureau at it." "That's it, ye spalpeen," yelled Muldoon, getting mad. "Fire the whole hous!l ir yez desire. Wait till I get a balloo n an' I'll come up an' lick the gang av yet," and he made an attempt to sling his wrecked accordeon at them. As luck would have it, just then the fair widow poked her head out of her window. Muldoon's aim was bad, and instead of hitting the boys, the accordeon stopped on the widow's nme. Of course she gave a sh11"ek of surprise and terror. She caught sight of Muldoon, but did not recognize him in his tattered and torn condition. "Help-help!" cried she; "police! there's a darty tr3:mp ou,taide that's kilt me wid a slung shot! If I had a pistol Id kill him." "Be Heaven!" Muldoon wailed, "if I stay around here much longer it is assaulting me wid a cannon somebody will be. I wonder does the widdy know me? Widdy, dear!" Mrs. Halorahan vented her feelings in a second shriek. "He is calling me dear," said she, "the brassy impudence av the rascal. Next he'll be axin' me to come out in the mud gutter an' hug him!" "Don't yez know me?" asked Muldoon. "Niver!" "I'm yer own Terry." "Yez are a thaving liar!" squarely responded she; "me Terry is a gintleman, not a dhrunken fool. Help! police! Strange to say, a policeman heard her cries. Stranger still, he was man enough to answer. He came up on a run. "What's up?" asked he. "I've woke up a retreat for idiots, that's all, sur," politely replied Muldoon, edging away. "Arrist him!" cried the widow. "That's the cheese. Run him in on a hand-cart to the Isle de Blackell," put in Roger. "Arrest who?" asked the officer. "That caricathure by yez," answered the widow. The peeler grabbed Muldoon by the collar. "What's the charge?" said he. "He tried to steal the house!" shouted Roger. "Wanted to carry ofl' the coal-hole," groaned Bobby Burke. "He didn't," vociferated the widow; "he hit me in the gums wid an ash-barrel, the villain!" "They're giving ye taffy pleaded Muldoon; "don't yez moind them, darlint. Let go av me shoulder, plaze." By way of reply the policeman tightened his grip. "Will you make a charge against him, madame?" he queried. "Ivery day in the week, sir, an' twice Sundays." "Then I'll just take him along. : think I know him.'' "I wouldn't mention it if I wuz ye. Who is he?" "Red-headed Mike; he belongs to the Hook gang.'' Muldoon's face was a picture of astonishmont, and a picture <>f dirty astonishment at that. "Who am I?" he asked. "You konw well enough, my covey. You're Red-headed Mike. Come right along, Mike, or else I'll have to put the handcuffs on." "Nixt yez'll be telling me that I'm Blue-eared Jake, remarked Muldoon. "Faix, ye're another maniac. Why did I go serenadin' at all?" "Oh, come off!" sarcastically said the officer. "Your inno cent patter is too stale. You're wanted at headquarters, anyhow." "What for?" "Stealing a rowboat at Yonkers. "Why don't yez make it a hay-barge an' say I stole it at Cape Cod?" defiantly returned Muldoon. "Take yer dirty paws off av me.'' The gallant cop grabbed him by the throat. "If you try to resist I'll club the roof of your head off,'' valiantly said he. Muldoon considered that discretion was the better part of valor. So he quietly consented to be walked to the station-house. There a sleepy sergeant indistinctly listened to the patrol man's complaint, locked Muldoon up, and dozed off again at his desk. Next morning Muldoon was taken before a judge, who, af ter finding out that he was not ''Red-headed Mike," coolly sen tenced him to pay a fine of ten dollars for being "drunk and disorderly.'' Muldoon went home totally demoralized. And he and Roger had a little war for about an hour, Roger stoutly protesting that he had not the ghost of an idea that it was Muldoon whom he had sauced the niglit before, and Mul doon insisting that it was a put-up job. But Muldoon's anger fell principally upon the widow. "Roger," said he, "me drame av love is o'er; I'll niver spake to the red-haired blonde again. She is P. S. No good.'' After that he would not speak to lVlrs. Halorahan, notwith standing that she sent him a written apology. Instead, he de voted his time to a freckled-faced young lady on the next bloclr. Fate, though, had destined another racket for Muldoon. One day Alderman O'Malley arrived dressed up in his best, and having a painful consciousness of that fact. "Are ye taking in a wake, alderman?" politely asked Mul doon, after the customary salutations had been passed. "No such luck," the alderman rejoined; "it is booked for a coon camp-meeting that I am." "An' what is a coon camp-meeting?" "A nayger church, barring the fact that all the church that they have is a tint." "Phat are yez going there for?" "To make meself solid wid the colored vote. Ye see, I am afther a renomination this fall," exclaimed the alderman with a sagacious wink. "Will yez accompany me, Terrence?" Muldoon, after a little consideration, said that he would. Together the two started off. The camp-meeting was held at East New York, and they took the Greenpoint ferry, then the open cars to the camp-meeting. It was held in a small grove, and a stout fence, higher than a man's head, kept out the ungodly. The only way to get in was at a narrow gate. A tall negro with a saintly look and a white cravat guarded said gate. "Ten cents a head," said he to Muldoon and O'Malley. "Salvation am as cheap as dirt at dat price." Muldoon paid the twenty cents and the pair passed in. The camp-ground was an odd mixture of things religious and things of business. All around the grove were signs. On one tree wonld be the polite invitation: "Come to the Lord!" Beneath probably would hang the legend: "Boston Pork and Beans, ten cents!" Right alongside, another motto: "Seek the Narrow Way,'' would strike the eye, while in close juxtaposition was another, "Bottled Beer, Five Cents a Schooner." Altogether it was the queerest scene that Muldoon had ever got into, and he looked around him with big eyes. The grounds were crowded with negroes-big negroes, little negroes, male negroes and female negroes, all sorts and sizes, with quite a large sprinkling of white folks, most of whom had come for curiosity's sake. As they stood surveying the scene a big, fat, oily-looking darkey, with a face as large as the dashboard of a street car, and a white vest three sizes too much for him, ambled up to O'Malley. "Bless de Lawd fo' seeing youse heah, Mistah O'Malley!" said he, with an upward roll of his eyes. "How are ye, Elder Smuff?" replied O'Malley, shaking hands. "Sinful as ebber, sah; de Lawd wants to clense dis poor flesh, but de debil won't let him," rejoined cne elder. "Bedad, it's a shame," said Muldoon. "You am kerect," said the elder; "but de fault's all on my side. Oh, Brudder O'Malley, we'se gwine fo' to do a great work.'' "Yez are?" "Oh, yes, we'se saving souls by the bushel. Won't youse come an' jine de band?" Muldoon and O'Malley followed the elder's lead. "Who is the nagur?" asked Muldoon, in a whisper, on the way. "Elder Smuff.'' "Faix, I heard so before. Phat does he do for a living?" "His old woman takes in washing.'' "Don't he woi:ruk himself?"

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THE TROUBLES OF TERRENCE MULDOON. 3 "Nary bit. He's a nagur Moody and Sankey. Shure he prays loike a phonygraph and mashes all. av the wenches." At last the elder stopped in a portion of the grove where seats were arranged around a big board platform which looked something like a dancing platform in distress. Our heroes took seats. Several hundred people, mostly col ored, had done so before, and were yelling out a jubilee hymn at the top of their voices. Elder Smuff mounted the platform. He was received with enthusiastic applause, particularly from the lady part of the audience. Bowing his acknowledgments with the grace of a mule, he proceeded to launch into a red-hot religious stump speech. Pretty soon the darkeys got excited. "Amens!" "Praise de Lamb!" "Glory be to God!" and other pious ejaculations filled the air. Muldoon got uneasy. He wanted to take a hand in the games. "Can I join i'n the uproar?" he asked of O'Malley. "Av coorse," replied the alderman, with a twinkle in his eye. "Phat will I yell?" "Anything. Sing a comic song if yez desire; noboqy will denote the difference. So Muldoon cleared his throat, and prepared to chime in. Elder Smuff had worked himself up to a fiery pitch of elo quence. "Bruddern," said he, "we are a long way from de promised land; how shall we git dar?" "Take the illivated railroad," shouted Muldoon. "Dar will be room 'round.the golden throne for some of us," went on the elder, never noticing the interruption; "whar will de rest sit?" "Out in the hall on the refrigerator, Muldoon squealed. "We am a-rising to the clouds. How am de wicked to follow?" "Hire a balloon, the divils." "De gospel gates are a-closing. How am de wicked to get in?" "Over the fence, begorra!" "De fire of de bottomless pit am going out. What will de debil use to keep it a-going?" "Kerosene, bad cess to his sowl!" "Gabriel am a-blowing ob his trumpet already. When will he stop?" "Niver; he's paid by the hour." By this time the attention of the congregation was equally divided between Muldoon and the elder. Smuff gradually perceived that Muldoon was guying him. Here was a chance to point an awful example. "Bruddern an' sis tern!" he shouted, breaking off in his ser mon, "there is a scoffer amongst us. Where will he be at de last day?" "Comfortable in his grave, av course," interrupted Muldoon. "No, he won't," Shrieked the elder; "nuffin' ob de sort. De debil will take him on his red-hot pitchfork, and frow him down--down Just then the elder gave an impassioned stamp. '!'here was a sound of splintering timbers, a dull crash, a howl of genuine dismay, and Elder Smuff suddenly disap peared. So did the platform, and in a minute all that was visible of Elder Smuff were his feet sticking out fi;om amidst a mass of broken timber. "Bedad, the gentleman has gone down first to show the way," said Muldoon, springing to the elder's assistance. Almost everybody followed him, the women shrieking and crying. "Oh, flder, am youse alive?" called out a frail old negress, whose fighting weight was about three hundred. "Yes," came in decidedly shaky accents from somewhere under the platform. "Get de stricken brudder out right away," ordered a thin darkey, who peddled clams week-days and "preached de gospel" Sundays. Half a dozen were trying to. One zealous young coon got an ax and began chopping away. But after he had nearly succeeded in chopping off both of the eider's legs, the head of the ax flew off and upset the chopper, so that mode of release failed. Everybody had some plan to extricate the elder. "Get a derrick an' hoist de planks off." "Dig a tunnel under de boards an' get de bressed lamb out dat way." "Lift de board off wid a crowbar." These are three of the extremely practical plans presented. Meanwhile the elder was yelling like a bull-a very muffied and subdued bull, it is true-to be pulled out. Muldoon had a plan in an instant. "Be Heavens!" ordered he, "get a rope! "What fo'?" asked somebody. ."Find out an' yez'll know. Get the rope first, ye daisy." A stout rope was soon procured. Muldoon grabbed it and made a circle at one end. This circle he placed about the eider's feet. "All of yez take hould av the other ind," said he, "and we'll yank the elder out like an eel." "What are youse gwine to do?" inquired the elder, as he felt the rope tightened around his feet. "Pull yez out, me honey," answered Muldoon, "fate first." "Fo' de Lawd's sake don't. Youse'll break ebery bone in dis body. "Thin put thim in yer pocket till yez git out. Are yez ready, me colored brigade?" "Yes, sah," replied a score of darkey voices. "Then pull, ye dish-slingers." They did with a will. Elder Smuff's ankles appeared in view. But it was fun for him. At every pull he scratched and rubbed against the planks surrounding him, and lost about a square foot of skin. "Glory-glory!" cried he, "please fo to' stop. I'd rudder die." "What am dat he say?" one of the eager rope-pullers asked. "Says to put more av muscle into your efforts," Muldoon now blusteringly returned. "Once more for the beer." The gang went at it again. It is pretty well known that negroes, as a rule,' prefer to work to music. Accordingly one of their number started up a rude improv isation. It was something like this, all hands joining in the chorus: "Oh, Elder Smuff he had um fall, Pull-pull away, youse niggers; 'Fraid him can't get out at all, Pull-pull away, brack niggers. Satan he did laugh an' shout, Pull-pull away, big niggers; Satan's fooled-we'll get him out, Pull-pull away, good niggers." Probably the ballad was very simple and touching. The elder did not have that opinion for a cent. At every repetitio n of the "Pull-pull away!" the darkeys would give the rope a tenible yank, which moved the elder closer up toward daylight, it is true, but nearly killed him at the same time. "Bump-bump! would go his head against a plank, two or three nails would scratch across his face; a post half broken off. would hit him in the stomach. Altogether it was a very enjoyable position for the elder. He screamed his remonstrances at the top of his voice: The noise of the singing prevented them from being heard. tll he could do was to grin and bear it. Finally he was dragged half out of the debris. "Whoop!" shouted Muldoon; "we have his belly-band in sight, me boys. Thry it again for the cigars!" The song rose on the air once more: "Gabr'el blew a mighty blast, Pull-pull away, strong niggers; Elder Smuff am out at last, Pull-pull away, sweet niggers." Simultaneously with the utterance of the last line, the elder came out amidst a halo of dust and dirt, broken boards and flying spiinters. "Praise de Lamb-it's heself!" shouted a pious old wench. It was he. And a sweet-looking specimen of colored pulpit-whanger' he was, too. He had about. one inch of skin on his face; the rest was blood and dirt. When he fell through the platform he had a good suit of black clothes on. When he got landed out, his clothes were any color, and looked as if they had just come out of a steam threshing machine. The women crowded frantically around him. "Elder Smuff," they anxiously asked, "are youse hurt?" The elder looked ruefully at himsel!. "No, I's ain't hurt; I's most dead," be snappishly replied; but dar' s one question dat I wishes to propound." "Ejaculate it," said Muldoon. "Dis am it," said the elder, gracefully holding the boom of his tattered pants together with his hand, "how did dat yer platform tumble down?"

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4 THE TROUBLES OF 'rERHENCE MULDOON. CHAPTER IL Brother, or rather Elder, Smuff was right down mad at the unceremonious and comical way in which he had fallen down with the platform, and been extricated from the ruins. "Tole youse what, qruddren an' sistern," he dolefully re marked, "dat yere platform was tampered wid; it nebber fell down by heself." Two or three darkeys commenced an investigation The result showed that the elder was right-the four posts
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Tl-LE 'l'lWUBLES OF 'l'EHREXCE MULDOON. 5 The alderman pondered over the question for a minute. "By the Widdy Malone's petticoat," he cried, "it's asafetida!" "Yez are roight," Muldoon commented, "an' the boys, bad cess to their sowls, have sprinkled it arouna." That was the true explanation of the dreadful smell. Roger and Bobby Burke had started out that afternoon on a rac ket. They had attended a ball match over in Williams ou rg, and from there they had wandered into the camprneeti ng. Of course they got all of the fun out of it that they could, and it was they who had wickedly sawed the platform posts, under the pretense of looking for a lost ring beneath the plat form. They had roamed into the praying-tent with no fixed object, and out of mischief had pretended to be as full of howling piety as any of the darkeys. Bobby Burke worked in a drug store, and it happened that he had a bottle of asafetida in his pocket which he had pur chased for his employer, and forgotten to leave at the store. It suddenly occurred to him that if that asafetida was lib erally distributed about the tent, the effect would be grand. He communicated his idea to Roger. Roger did not say nay, but, on the other hand, offered to assist in the savory distri-bution. When unobserved, they contrived to scatter the liquid about profusely. Then they dusted. Meanwhile the stench was getting worse and worse. One of the negroes hit the true solution of the case. "Some debil's frowed stink-water all ober me shoes," he ejaculated. "Reckon dat he's done gone and cobered de whole place." The suggestion was eagerly caught up. 'Spect it some. low white trash," snapped a wiry little wench, looking hard at Muldoon as she said it. "What are yez gazing at me for?" demanded our hero. "Kase youse so pretty," sarcastically she rejoined. "Yez will niver look at yerself for a loike rayson, ye colored faymale monkey!" The little wench put her arms akimbo. ''I'se don't want none of yer sass, youse un'stan' dat!" she r etorted. "Arrah, go soak yer head," politely answered Muldoon. Now there happened to be a bad nigger named Jerusalem Glue, who had been roaming all around looking for somebody to kill, and who, despairing of dyeing his hands in. gore, had finally got into the praying-tent, prepared, if the exercises there did not agree with his own religious views, to start a general barbecue. He was one of those tough niggers with a high hat, a red shirt, a razor in his boot, and a shooter, and he was bad from his birth. He saw a tip-top chance for a fight in the altercation be tween Muldoon and the wench. Therefore he swaggered up to Muldoon in a style that was enough to make an ordinary man run at sight. "What for you 'sault dat !eddy?" blustered he. "Who salted her?" Muldoon asked. "Youse." "Yer a liar! But she nades salt; she's too fresh." Hardly had Muldoon got the last word out of his mouth be fore Mr. Glue slammed him in the jaw. F'Muldoo n returned the blow in a second. A lively rough and tumble was started in less time than it takes to tell it. Probably, if left alone, Muldoon could have got away with the bad nigger. But the rest of the crowd jumped on "Frow stink-water in the prayin'-tent, will youse?" they shouted. Alderman O'Malley tried to interfere in his companion's be half. He knocked down three nigs, and then some one threw the pulpit at him. He sat down very suddenly, and about eighteen of his en C'mies sat down on top of him to keep him from getting up. Poor Muldoon gc;,t it hot and heavy. Everybody inside of that tent hit him for good luck, and tbe bad nigger kicked him. He fought desperately as long as he could, like a true Irish man, but at last he gave in when a brawny nig broke a soda water bottle over his head. We won't weary our readers with a description of what fol lowed. Su1Iice it to say, that both Muldoon and the alderman got pounded most unmercifully. When the negroes got tired or the fun, they calmly fired the two Irishmen out of the tent, and bounced them over the fence outside of the camp-grounds. They picked themselves up very tenderly and disconsolately. Muldoon was the first to speak. "Alderman," said he, with a noble attempt at jocularity "will yez obtain me a hay-rope? Pe Heavens, I am broke up; and I want to tie meself together sv that I won't get lost." "Bad cess to the naygur vote!" sadly swore O'Malley; "it is a walkin' bruise I am. Wait till I get elected sinator; I'll pass a bill to shoot ivery blasted naygur on sight." "If I only had the ould Dublin gang wid me, I'd a kilt the lot," said Muldoon. "Will yez plase fale av me face to see if I have lost any av me features?" The alderman complied, and, much ':o Muldoon's gratifica tion, announced that every feature was there, besides half a dozen new ones in the shape of bruises and swellings. "Let's take a cab," suggested Muldoon; "if we walk through the streets in this stoile, somebody will be tying us fast, an' charging tin cints a look to the populace." By some phenomenal accident a cab happened to be lost over in East New York, and Muldoon found it. The driver offered to take them for half-price if they'd show him the way to the ferry. They readily closed with his offer. "Where will I drive whe n I reach New York, gents?" he queried, holding the door open for them to get in. "To the hospital," replied O'Malley, sinking back on the seat. "To the morgue," answered Muldoon, getting up on the box with the driver, and then giving him the right address. Roger was not at home for several days. He got wind of the way in which his uncle and father had been paid for his trick, and he concluded, hke a wise boy, that home would not be very pleasant tor him for 1. while. When he did arrive, Muldoon's wounds were nearly well. 1Therefore Roger escaped with a verbal blessing and one in junction. "Roger, whenever yez see a naygur-slug! an' I'll go yez bail." Roger laughingly promised, and so the camp-meeting events were buried in oblivion, in all except the memories of Roger and Bobby Burke. Many a grand laugh they haa over it. One day Muldoon purchased a new suit of clothes. As he stood before the glass arrayed in them, and admiring his gaudy appearance greatly, an idea entered his head. "Roger," said he, "I have a thought." "Untie it," remarked Roger, who was sitting near, trying to make his watch go by the boyish expedient of jamming a pin into the works. "I will go down to the gallery and have me photograph daguerreotyped. What gallery shall I go to?" "Shooting gallery." "Be aisy; tell me another." "Rogue's gallery." Muldoon answered by shying a foot-stool at Roger, which knocked that funny young man on the floor. When he got up he did not feel quite so comical, and rue fully told his uncle where a photograph gallery could be found. Muldoon put on all the extra touches for the occasion. He wore his biggest', collar, his loudest and most brassy watch-chain; put on enormous cuffs, and ended all with the greatest and homeliest possible bouquet that he could find. 'l'he protographer, a Dane, by the name of Flew, was rather impressed when Muldoon arrived in the studio. "Do you want your picture taken, sir?" he respectfully in quired. "Do yez conjecture that I would come in here to get a pair av shoes or a refrigerator?" Muldoon answered, in his cus tomary manner. Mr. Flew begged pardon, and asked Muldoon what style of photograph he preferred. "I want to be delineated full size, standing up in a setting down posthure, wid only me head and shouldhers audible," grandly replied the Solid Man. Mr. Flew said it was impossible. There was only one man of his acquaint;mce who could take photographs of that style, and he had died before he learned how. So Muldoon concluded to be taken sitting down. "How many pictures do you desire?" was Mr. Flew's next question. "How many do yez sell for a cint ?" "Six dollars a dozen." "Won' t yez take me any ch'aper if I take me hat off?" "No, sir.1'

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6 THE TROUBLES OF 'l'ERRENCE MULDOON. "But r ecollect the Jess woruk." Mr. Flew assured his customer that clothing did not count in a photograph. The cost was just the same, whether the sitCHAPTER III. ter was taken in a perfect warehouse of garments or only in a Of course Muldoon's jump when Roger nipped him spoiled blue necktie and a pair of socks. the whole picture. "Well," finally said Muldoon, as he peered into the small "What in blazes ails you?" angrily asked the photographer. mirror in the so-called "dressing-room," "give me two dozen, "He's got 'em again," coolly answered Roger. an' blow the expense. Me mother has woruk." "Got what?" After the usual adjustment of screen, cnair and camera, Mr. "Sees blue apes on his legs and double-headed monkeys on Flew announced that all was ready. the wall." Muldoon paraded out. "Jim-jams?" Roger followed. "Yes, he's been on it for a whole week. Whisky straight Mr. Flew placed Muldoon on a green chair and wheeled the every time. He's gulped more'n--" camera up before him. What Roger was about to remark will never be known. "Look natural," said he. Just then, Muldoon, who had been doing a square dance to Muldoon tried to look narural. the music of his own howls during the above conversation, The result was that his face assumed an expression of grin-stopped, and made a furious plunge at his mischievous ning idiocy. nephew. "Don't laugh,''. ordered Mr. Flew, "look grave." "Roger O'Malley, yez spawn av the divil," yelled he, "let me Muldoon obeyed. catch ye, ye moon-eyed leper, an' I'll wipe up the flure wid His face changed to a look of horrible repentance. His yez." countenance was that of a man who ha:l murdered all of his "What's the matter?" Roger asked, deftly getting behind a friends and felt sorry for it. chair. Mr. Flew groaned in despair. "Howly smoke-haYe yez the brassy oonceit to ax me?" "That will never do," said he; "I tell you what--appear as "Of course." if you had not the slightest idea that you were being photo-"Bedad-I'll soon illustrate the dilemma to ye." graphed. And Muldoon started to make a cold, butchered and clammy Muldoon attempted the difficult feat, and he began to feel corpse out of Roger. the sweat come. 'l'he attempt, though was not a gilded success. "Begorra!" wailed he, "it's as bad aG having a tooth pulled. For the simple reason that Roger got out of the door and For Hiven's sake, how do I look now"!" left Muldoon to chew up the floor if he wanted to. In reality, he appeared like a sick gorilla, but Mr. Flew did But the Solid Man quieted down after breaking two stools not tell him so. and smashing the screen until it looked as if a flash of light"That's all right," he said; "now keep perfectly still. ning had struck it. "If the house gets afire don't move, supplemented Roger. He sat down on a chair again, panting like a bull. "What?" asked Muldoon. "Will yez aither knock me sinseless or give me chloroform?" "There!" groaned the photographer, "you have spoiled your he asked. face by speaking." "For what?" queried Mr. Flew. "Faix, I'll be as silent as a crab." "So that I can get me picthure taken in peace." "All right; sit still, now." "Oh, sit still, and it will be all right." Mr. Frew placed his eye at the camera and' gracefully "Yez say so. Have yez got yez nippers all tied up?" draped his head beneath the conventional black cloth. "Yes, sir." "Hould on!" suddenly shouted Muldoon. "And a guard at the head av the stairs to shoot that sucker Mr. Flew took the cloth off in a hurry and revealed his av a Roger O'Malley if he attempts to come up?" head again. "l guess so." "What is the matter nw?" he asked. "Thin go ahead wid the butchery. And, I say?" "The blacking is off av me boots," anxiously returned Mul"Well?" doon. "Paint a diamond into me scarf, an' take about siven inches "What of it?" off av the size av me fairy fate. "Arrah, yez are a funny man." Mr. Flew laughingly promised, and he wheeled the camera "Why?" up again. "Do yez suppose that Terrence Muldoon wants to have a pie-Probably if nothing had happened Muldoon would have tak-thure intended for circulation amongst the !eddies wid darty en an excellent photograph. boots in it?" But something did occur. "But they'll take black." A fly got into 'Muldoon's eye, and he did not sit quite as stiff as a stone statute under the infliction. "I didn't expect they'd take grane. It isn't a chromo ye're giving me, is it? Jlst wait till 1 step out .and get a shine." Therefore, the picture when it came out had a very big dash of fly and a wriggling streak of Muldoon. It was only after a practical explanation illustrated by gesMr. Flew, with that admirable cheek born in all photog-tures and examples, that Mr. Flew succeeded in convincing raphers, handed it to Muldoon, with a gesture of unspeakable Muldoon that the absence of blacking on his boots would not pride. show glaringly or any other way in the contemplated pho-"It is the best likeness that eve r came out of my establish-tcgraph. men," he said. "Won't me bouquet take?" Muldoon wanted to know at the Muldoon held it at arm's length. end of the blacking argument. He gazed at it critically. "Certainly." "Whose baboon is it?" finally he inquired. "Make it as big as yez can afford for the gould." "What baboon?" asked Mr. Flew, in evident bewilderment. "Of course." "The baboon in the picthure?" "An', I say, ye tin-type peddler?" Mr. Flew's countenance was a complete definition of aston"Well ?" ishmen t. "Put a Buckingham twist in me collar." "That's your picture-and a very good one, too,'' he haz"All right." arded. For the third time Muldoon composed himself to "look Muldoon flung down his hat and commenced getting out of natural." his coat. Mr. Flew peeped at him through the camera, and at last He jumped up and down on the picture and spat on it. stood silently to one side. "Do yez dare to tell me that this is me picthure," he roared, "Look straight in front of you; it will be done in a second," "bringing out a caricathure of a hairy baboon and telling me he i }marked. it is meself. Come on, begorra, I'll clane out the shanty com"Ring a little bell and let the baby look at the monkey," put pletely. Will somebody ring the alarum for the morgue?" in Roger, and the photographer's assistant, who was watch-Mr. Flew backed away up in one corner and wished that he ing the show from the drying room, grinned aloud. had a small park of artillery. Just then Roger perceived a pair of nippers, left by some "N-no offense meant," he stammered. carpenter who had been repairing the room, lying on the floor. "Nayther do I,'' responded Muldoon; "if I kill yez it will He grabbed them and crept behind .Muldoon's chair. only be out av common politeness." Reaching forward he nipped Muldoon's leg. Muldoon's face "The picture was bad,"0 said Mr. Flew, shrinking i;itill fur-instantly assumed an agonized expression, and he gave a yell ther into the corner, and wishing that he was sm:rll enough of pain. to hide in a crack. "Be Heavens, I'm shot!" "Bad! it wur a Bulgarian atrocity!" declared Muldoon.

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THE TROUBLES OF TERRJ!jNOE MULDOON. "It-it didn't look like you." "Faix, no, it was the image av yerself. Will yez apologize?" Mr. Flew did. He made most ample apologies, all the while wishing that he could hire some accommodating ruffian to sneak in quietly and settle Muldoon with a sand-club. He got our hero seated, for the fifteenth or sixteenth time that afternoon, and wheeled that everlasting camera into its usual position. As he was all ready, a lady arrived. A stout lady, with a great redundancy of bonnet, an alarm ing amount of red shawl, and a dress with a figure as big as l\foldoon's bouquet. She had a gorgeous pink and blue parasol, and she pointed it square at Mr. Flew, as if she half hoped that it might accidentally go off and shoot him. "Can I have my picture taken?" asked she. "Certainly, as soon as this gentleman gets through," was Mr. Flew's ready response. Female curiosity impelled the lady t0 look around. She caught one glance of the prize gorilla in the chair, and give vent to a little scream. "Terrence!" shrieked she. Muldoon writhed uneasily. "Whist!" said he "Terrence!" called the lady. "For Heaven's sake, hush!" implored Muldoon; "if I move nte lips I'll spile the picture!" But Mr. Flew had already yanked the camera around with an air of deep disgust. "Your photograph's spoiled irretrievably," he remarked. "Did it hurt yez much? Bedad, it must have kilt the pho-tograph complately." "What?" "Irretrievably." "Oh, you be blanked!" growled Mr. Flew, in high dudgeon. "Wait till I get a couple of years that I don't know what to do with, and I'll try and take your likeness." Then Mr. Flew turned to the lady. "Next!" he said, with as grand an air as if the room was crowded with a howling throng of expectant patrons. 'fhe lady, though, seemed to be charmed in some magic way by Muldoon's festive face. "Terrence!" she ejaculated. Muldoon got up, jammed on his hat, rolled up his sleeves, and kicked the screen over. "Will yez shut up, or by the socks of St. Patrick, there will be bloody murther done. I'll--" Here he stopped, cast his eyes on the slender form in front -of him, and involuntarily took off his hat. "Widdy Halorahan!" cried he. "Yer own Bridget!" sighed she. Muldoon's face darkened. He replaced his hat, placed one hand in his bosom, and loft "ily waved her away with the c ther. "Mrs. Halorahan, respicted madame," began he, "yez can give me no taffy. Yez have cast away a sun-flower that will bloom for yez no longe r. Aw reservoir, ye Union Square jilt!" The widow stood like a crushed daisy. The biggest old crushed daisy that ever was for she weighed about two hun dred with her hat off. "Ye know I love ye, Terry," sobbed she. Muldoon favored her with a sardonic glare. "Is slugging a jintlemin wid a brick an' having him arristed proofs av affection?" sarcastically asked he. "I didn't know it was ye, Terry." "How thick is the blue, now, Mrs. Halorahan ?" "I'm telling yez the truth, Terry. The serenade was i ligant." "It must have been when the gang tuk me for a cat, an' war about to shoot me full of railroad spikes." "They war only joking, Terry. I've been fretting meself down to a shadow wid love for yez." "It is the shadow av an elephant ye allude to. Mrs. Halora han, me drame av love is over. I thought yez war a poet's ideal, an' begorra, I was sold. Fare yez well." At the conclusion of this poetical and beautiful speech, Mul doon made an elaborate attempt to go out of the door. 'T'he widow intercepted him. She fell upon his manly breast, and broke every cigar that he had in his vest pocket. "Terry, me darlint, say yez forgive me!" she pleaded; and 'She wept real tears. That settled Muldoon. "Howld on; will yez plaze turn off the water-works, an' artiC'ulate sinse?" he begged. The widow dried her tears. A long explanation followed, in which the widow, woman-like, succeeded in convincing Muldoon that it was all his fault; that he was a hard-hearted Turk and that if she had not been a weak, love-sick female she would never have spoken to him again. The photographer noticed this joyous reconciliation. He viewed it with a business eye. He stepped respectfully forward. Allow me to suggest," he smiled, "that you get your pic mres taken together." Muldoon readily acquiesced. "Ye sit on me lap, widdy; put on a smile av womanly grandeur, an' the folks will take us for a chroma av the Im press av Injy an' the King av Spain." "No! let's be taken standing up," rejoined the widow. "To show our symmetry av form?" "Exactly." So they sto0d up, as affectionate as turtle doves, gracefully reclining on one another's shoulders. Now,' we will take a backward glance, and follow Roger O 'Malley's fortunes. When he skipped out of the photograph gallery he roamed downstairs. He stood in the street-door for several moments, smiled pleasantly at every young lady who came along, hurled a tomato-can at a fugitive cat, and listened with severe criticism to a German band. By and by his eyes wandered across the street. Visible on a beer-keg in front of a lager-mill was a young gentleman with a very large cigar'holder and a larger cigar. This young gentleman was dangling something up and down upon an elastic, and seemed highly interested in the occupation. Roger crossed the street. "Hello, Bobby!" he said. Bobby Burke, for it was he who looked up. "Helloo, good-looking!" he responded. "Where did you drop from?" Roger briefly explained the situation. "What's that you're playing with, sonny?" he patronizingly asked, at the conclusion of his narrative. Bobby held it up. It was a large imitation spider with wire legs and claws. When the rubber band to which it was attached moved ur. and down, the spider plunged and wobb1ed in a very life-like way. "Big thing," admiringly commented Bobby; "great brain got it up. I chucked it in my mother's coffee-cup this morning and it scared the old girl half out of her wits." As a natural consequence, Roger felt that life was a barren waste until he, too, got a spider. The Italian Baron who sold them was only a block off, and therefore Roger's longing was soon gratified. He went and sat on the opposite beer keg from Bobby, and the two little boys played with their spiders. From their position they 3eheld the widow enter the pho tographer's. "There'll be a racket!" Roger exclaimed; "I'd like to pike it off. "Why don't you?" asked Bobby. "F. O." "What's that?" "Fire out.' "Who do it?' "Muldoon!" "Is he mad?" "Slightly. Said he'd kill me if I went into the room again." Bobby absently allowed his spider to dip into the mud-gut ter, and meditated. "Crickey," he presently said, "we can take in all this show, just as well as not." "How?" queried Roger. "Clime up onto the roof and look through the skylight." "Bobby Burke, it is a gigantic inteliectual capacity ye have," said Roger, mimicking his uncle. "Let us away to the sky light.'' Soon said, soon done. In two minutes the boys were comfortably seated on the roof, taking Muldoon and the widow all in. Let us return to Muldoon. He and the widow got comfortably postured. Mr. Flew was all ready. He had taken the black cloth away from the camera, and stood in an attitude of statuesque repose. Another moment and the photograph would have been completed. If Roger O'Malley had not been struck with a most vile thought. "Lower down the spiders in front of their faces!" he whis pered to Bobby.

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8 THE 'l'ROUBLES OF TERRENCE MULDOON. It was easily done, as a broken pane of glass in the sky light permitted free ingress for the spiders. Bobby was in for the racket in a second. Down dangled the spiders before Muldoon and the widow. They both yelled and started back. Roger withdrew the spiders with as much rapidity as possible. "Howly murther!" ejaculated Muldoon; "phai the divil was it?" "An aigle on a rope," replied the widow. "Bedad, it looked to me loike a crab." "Where did it come from?" "Maybe somebody opened the windy an' it come in on the breeze." Mr. Flew had not seen the spiders at all, as he was looking in a!'lother direction. Muldoon s exclamations naturally attractea his attention. "What in Christopher Columbus is wrong now?" he gasped. "Crabs!" yelled Muldoon. "Aigles!" chorused the widow. Mr. Flew looked like a life-size picture of perplexity. "Crabs! eagles!" repeated he, blankly. Are you both crazy?" "Not a bit," said the widow; we were standing there as still as images, whin two big aigles, wid ropes on their tails, flew in." "Allow me to correct ye; widdy, they were crabs." "Aigles!" "Crabs!" Mrs. Halorahan got out of patience. "Who ever saw a crab wid wings?" she asked. "Who ever saw an aigle wid sixty-seven claws?" Muldoon asked. Mr. Flew saw there was an excellent prospect of a row, and he wisely interfered. He choked down his anger, and dolefully proposed: "Well, whatever they were, they i>.re gone now. Get into position again, if you please." They complied. The burlesque was re-commenced. Right in the critical part the spiders descended for the second time. Muldoon gave utterance to a regular Irish howl, and grasped for one of them. Roger pulled it up out of reach too quickly for him. He stumbled, and in an effort to save himself from falling, clutched at the camera. Over it went, and Muldoon fell beneath. He kicked at it furiously, and it fle w into bits. One of the fragments struc k Mr. Flew over the eye. He was already mad enough to eat somebody, and the sting caused by the slight hurt was enough to set him off. "Get out of here, you flannel-mouth e d terrier!" he shouted, administering a severe kick on that part of Muldoon's body that he carries under his pistol pocket The widow was not going to stand such treatment of her lover. "You murtherin' thafe!" she y e ll e d picking up a chair and gomg for the photographer bald-h e aded. The photographer dodged. The chair flew by him and struc k Muldoon, who was just arising, on the head. He immediately sat down again, and yelled like a Turk. "Will none av the gang respond?" h e shouted. "Be Heavens, give me a shillalah, an' I'll clane out the whole place!" "Arrah, Terry, are yez ..iurt? asked the widow. "Kilt dead!" "Whirra-whirra! what can I do for yez?" "Slug that divil of a photographer." "He's a murdered man," answered the wid0w, tucking up her sleeves, and starting on the war-path after Mr. Flew. Meanwhile the boys up on the roof were hugely enjoying the racket. "It beats a prize-fight," smiled Roger. "I'll bet on Muldoon." "Stuff! The widow's the favorite. "That picture-jerker is good for a coffin." "His name is Dennis, and he is N G." "Begorra! it's nayther aigles nor crabs this time; it's whales!" Muldoon roared. "Lind me a harpoon!" In reality, Mr. Flew was the only one who kept his wits about him. "It's boys," he curtly said; "gol darn 'em!" By this time Roger had picked himself up. He brushed part of the dirt off of his clothes and leered sweetly at Muldoon. "Halloo, uncle!" he said;. "got your picture taken yet? There's a lady outside wants one." "Phat for?" mechanically asked Muldoon, who was yet in a sort of dazed condition. "Her canary is sick and she wants to put your picture in its cage so that it will die." This insult revived Muldoon. He got on his feet again. "How in St. Pether did yez git here?" propounded he. "This here is Santa Claus, replied Roger, introducing Bobby Burke; "he thougnt it was Christmas, and he came down through the skylight to make you a present." "I ain't; I'm Christopher Columbus discovering Muldoon," laughed Bobby, not a bit hurt by his fall, as he threw himself into an attitude. Begob, I can make yez discover the door," said Muldoon, fiercely. "Cool off," entreated Roger; "why don't you tend to your lady-love?" "What ails her?" "Guess she's got a fit of despair." Muldoon crossed the room to the side of the prostrate fair. one. He bent down and scrutinized her carefully. "Run for a docthur and a dhrug store," he commanded; "She is in a faint." "Just throw a gallon or so of water on her," remarked Roger. "Burn a feather bed before her nose," said Bobby. "Where is there any water?" anxiously asJrnd Muldoon. Mr. Flew came to the rescue. "In that closet," said he. "I'll go for it," volunteered Roger, springing forward. In the closet was a small jar holding a bright green liquid. On it was the inscription: "Hands off." Roger grabbed it. "It will do just as good as water," he murmured. He ran back again to give it to his uncle, who stood sup porting the widow s carroty hel;l.d in his hands. "It is not a living skeleton I have in me grasp, he solilo quized, wiping the sweat away from his forehead. "Widdy, yez are an armful for a giant." "Here's the water, uncle," said Roger, uncorking the vial, or rather jar. Mr. Flew looked hastily ov e r his shoulder. "For Heaven's sake, drop that!" yelled he. Taken by surprise, Roge r did literally drop it. Square on Muldoon's head, and the bright green liquid rolled down over his face. "Bad cess to yer sow!, phat is that?" he asked. "It is my patent green dye, and you're colored for life. You can't get it off!" wailed Mr. Flew. CHAPTER IV. "Howly Riven!" cried Muldoon "what is it yez say?" "You are green for life!" groaned the photographer. "Do yez mane to call me a granehorn ?" "You'll be one 'for life. That dye is not eradicable; it can not be rubbed off." For the first time, Muldoon seemed to get the matter through his head. "Is m e countenance av a granish cast?" he asked. "I should smile, laughed Bobby Burke; "you'd make a bully Irish flag! Thus they commented on the exciting scene below. In his intense desire to take every bit of the rumpus Roger leaned too heavily on the skylight. "Let's paint a harp on his forehead and give him to the in, Father Mathews for a banner," added Roger. There was an ominous crack of wood and splinter of glass. Amidst a perfect shower of debris Roger descended into the room, closely followed by Bobby, w:ho, i a vain effort to save his comrade, overbalanced himself and fell, too. The widow stopped short in her pursuit of Mr. Flew and let out a most appalling howl. Just then the widow revived from her faint. Nobody was paying the least attention to her, and she con cluded that she might as well come to as not. "Terry-Terry! are yez here?" she shrieked, as she got half up and gazed wildly about her. H e r e I am," answered Muldoon. She gave him one look. "May the Blissid Vargin save us, it's the imp worruld she shrieked, toppling over on the floor in faint. of the "For Heaven's sake, what do yez call it?" she asked, peer. a dead 1 ing in wonder at Muldoon's astonishing face. "It's a map of Ireland, answered Bobby Burke.

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THE TROUBLES OF 'l'ERRENCE MULDOON. 9 "It's a Dublin Injin," replied Roger. "What ails his face?" kept on the widow. "'Tain't ripe yet-it's green," Roger returned, laughing all the while at his uncle's comical appearance. Muldoon got mad. Then alarmed. "Bring me a mirror, ye sucker!" he yelled, "till I take a bird's-eye enventory av me appearance." Mr. Flew ran quickly to the drying room and returned with a small hand-glass. ) Muldoon scrutinized himself in it. "Begorra!" he wailed, "'it is a foine-looking jintleman that I am. Faix, I look like a plate av grane turtle soup. Will it niver come off?" "Never," assured Roger. "Thin bring me a harpoon!" "What for?" "Be Heavens, I will commit suicide, if it kills me!" At this rash declaration the widow rushed desperately to him, and encircled his neck with her fair a nd rounded arms. "I'd love ye, Terry, if ye war purple," she declared. "Kape away-kape away, ye daisy," he ordered, affec-tionately. "An' why, darlint?" "Ye will get dye on yerself. Roger!" "Yes, sur." "Will yez take the fireboard out, mark 'Paint' on it, an' put it around me neck?" Roger could not help laughing at this comical notion. Neither could Bobby Burke, and even Mr. Flew joi ned in the general hilarity. Muldoon actually smiled himself. But not much. A second look in the glass reduced him to a state of gloom and despondent, foreboding He called to Mr. Flew. "Is there nothing that will remove the grane?" he asked. Mr. Flew thought. One of the greatest points of his dye was that it could not be removed. At least he thought that it couldn't, but the potnt had never been tested. Now, here was a good opportunity to experiment. He would commence with simple methods first. "Suppose you try hot water?" he suggested. Muldoon jumped eagerly at the notion. "Sind for a tay-kettle an' hot wather an' a sponge," shouted he. "If there's no hot wather hot, why bile it." At a barber's near by, he succeeded in procuring a small can of hot water. "Here's your boili 'ng spring," he gayly remarked. Mr. Flew took the can. Muldoon snatched it away. "Give it to me," he said. "Better let me apply the water," Mr. Flew demurred. "An' have yez pour half av it down me back, an' the rest in me pantaloon leg? Divil a bit, I will do it meself." "Be careful," Roger advised. "Mii;ther Roger Frish, Esquire, whin I want your advise I will tiligraph so on a postal envelope," grandly returned Mul doon. "Widdy, will yez plase sta:nd wan side. I might accidentally dhrop a gallon or so av hot wather on yez fut, an' oblige ye to purchase a wax wan. The widow, accommodatingly, stood aside. "Yez have no sponge." "Take a stocking," Roger remarked. "If I tuk yours I would fall dead the second it reached me nose," returned Muldoon. Roger wisely shut up. Muldoon took a towel and bent his head over. He lifted the can and let the water shower on his cheek. It was scalding hot. Muldoon jumped about twice as high as himself, and let the can smash on the floor. "Whirra-whirra!" yelled he. "I am burnt to death." All present instantly crowded around him. Mr. Flew hurriedly pushed him down oa a sofa close by. "Are you burnt much?" he queried. "Burnt!" Muldoon replied, with a howl of pain; "burnt! Bedad, me cheek is a cindher, an' I can taste the ashes in me mouth. Get some chloroform an' kill me." "Better send for a doctor," Roger hazarded. "Send for a brigade av them an' a regiment av surgeons," begged the widow. "Oh, Terry, darlin', why did you do it; och hone-och hone. Ye will die!" "Be Heavens, I am sure I will if yez kape on in that way," Muldoon snapped. "Och hone, what can I do thin?" "Act sinsible. Spit on me cheek to kape it cowld." "Och hone, Terry, ye are joking." "For the love av St. Patrick, Mrs. Halorahan, will yez shoot the 'och hone.' Say anything else-whisky, if you like." The widow took the hint. She treated. Soon a gorgeous barkeeper with a white-napkined tray en tered, and on the tray was an enticing array of bottles and glasses. Muldoon's burn was not so severe but that he could take a neat nip of whisky. All that the barkeeper did while he was in the room was to stand still and stare in blank astonishmen:t at Muldoon. "Was he born so?" he asked of Roger. "Born how?" uGreen?" "Yes." The barkeeper continued to stare until Muldoon noticed it. "Who in the divil are yez lookin' at?" bellowed he. "You," promptly answered the barkeeper, wb.o was a heeler from the Hook; a bad man from over the Rhine. "What are yez regarding me for?" "'Coz I took you for a chromo. Where's your frame?" That was enough for Muldoon. "It is not everybody that I allow to insult me," he shouted. "I dhraw the line at whisky-slingers an' assimblymen. Put up yer fist, ye gin-tosser." The gin-tosser complied. Muldoon sailed in with the anticipation of paralyzing his opponent with one blow. "If I iver hit yez twice it will take Stanley to foin.d yez," he said. "Cut it short," you flannel-mouthed Rooney!" pleasantly replied the other as he got on guard. Muldoon led off with a terrific blow .. If it had ever hit the barkeeper his situation would have been to let immediately. But it did not. The barkeeper caught it on his right, and countered on Muldoon's nasal protuberance with his left. The result was that the green on Muldoon's face became dashed with red-the red above the green, and below it, too. Down went Muldoon, smashing a spittoon in his fall. The barkeeper kicked viciously at him. Muldoon, though, rolled over out of the way, and the bar keeper lost his balance and fell down also. Muldoon quickly got on top of him. "Kick me, would ye?" he remarked. ''I'll chew the ear oft av yez!" -He started to carry out his threat. There was a fair prospect that the barkeeper would return to his saloon as a one-eared wonder. But Roger concluded that the fight had lasted long enough. He and Bobby Burke separated the combatants. Mulqoon got up, and regarded his nephew in disgust. "It's a nice heeler ye are, Roger," he growled. "Why?" asked Roger. "I was on top av the sucker." "What of it?" "Ye are not a thoroughbred." "Why ain't I?" "Didn't yez see I had him in me power? If he were licking me then ye should interfere. Niver pull me off whin I have a picnic," and Muldoon retired to the sofa with a deeply injured cast of countenance. As for the barkeeper, he got up, arranged his clothes, and grabbed his tray. "Next time that I serve this here gang with drinks I'll bring along a club and a bull-dog!" he snorted. "Bring along a crowbar an' a bloodhound if yez loike," retorted Muldoon. "I could lick yez wid a hardware store an' a dog show at yez back." The barkeeper put down his tray, and seemea inclined to start a second pugilistic encounter. Roger took him to one side. "Get out," he advised; "don't you see the man is a ma:niac?" "Crazy?" "Wild. He'd just as lief pull out a razor and start a gashing match. Don't mind him.'' So the barkeeper, with a muttered promise of future retribu tion, vamoosed. After he was gone, Muldeon began bewailing his face again. "Hot wather is P. S. No Good," he sighed; "the color will never come off.'' "Suppose you try hartshorn ?" suggested Bobby. "Benzine," put in the widow. "Go lay on the grass an' get bleached," grinned Roger. "Shave," said Mr. Flew.

PAGE 12

..... THE TROUBLES OF TERRENCE MULDOON. Muldoon shook his head mournfully at all the proposed "Yis," faltered Muldo9n. expedients. Rasp, rasp, went the rough stone on his face, rendered "Sure, I'm loike to an army mule; I'm marked for life," doubly tender by the scalding it had received a few moments groaned he; "it is a veil I will have to assume when I walk previous. out on the strate." "Howly murder!" he yelled, as he vainly tried to burst his Suddenly a bright idea struck Roger. bonds, "lave off." "I know what will take the green off," he exclaimed. "Does it hurt?" Roger calmly remarked. "Injunrubber?" sarcastically asked Muldoon. "Does it hurt!" echoed Muldoon; "does it! Shoot me, if ye "Nixy, cull." will, but don't butcher me byinches!" t "What, then?" "But the color has got to come off, hasn't it, Bobby?" said l "Pumice stone." Roger, with a wink. "Are yez really opinionated to the effect that it would?" Bobby took his cue. Muldoon said. "Of course," he answered, "it will never do for your uncle "You bet I am." to go out into the street looking like a pickle broken loose." "Thi n be Heavens go out an' buy a thruck full an' domn I "Somebody would cage him as a curiosity. Think how his the family would feel to see him stuffed in some tencent museum, Accordingly Roger, accompanied by Bobby Burke, sallied a label on _continued Roger. out to the nearest drug store and purchased two big hunks of I should say, said Bobby, absently regarding his com-pumice stone. panion in mischief, "that it is our duty to s crub him clean if "H t table ?" th fi st tion Roger there is nothing left of him but a set of false teeth. What do ave you go a sir. was e r ques you think, Mr. Flew?" to Mr. Flew, as he re-entered the room. Mr. Flew tumbled to the circus, and determine d to assist it. M1 Flew had. "It would ruin the reputation of my gallery to have a green-It was not a table to set alongside o"f a satin couch or a faced gentleman go out of it," he replied. gilt-fringed sofa, but still it was a plain pine table, which an-"There, uncle," said Roger, turning to his relative, "you swered every purpose just as good as if it had had a gold top see what we all think. You've either got to go out of here and pearl legs. white or--" "What do yez want of a table?" spoke up the widow. "Dead!" finished Bobby, with solemn face. "Want to see if it's alive," irreverently replied Bobby Burke. Muldoon frantically tried to release himseli from the table. The widow bridled up. "If I was only free I'd make this chateau r eslmble the "It is the House of Refuge ye should be boarding at instead shambles," he threatened. "Untie me, ye suckers, until I lick av bei ng here," she snapped. "Roger O'Malley, will ye answer the gang of yez!" a !eddy's question like a gintleman instead of a Bowery "Can't do it," complacently informed Roger; "you've got to loafer?" be cleaned." "We're going to put Muldoon on it," answered Roger. Here the widow interfered. "For what?" "Leave him alone," she entreated. "Faith, I'd love him the "For instance." same if he was purple instead of grane." "Terry, darlint," cried the widow, in despair, "will yez lay "That's what the red-headed daisy said that he had up to there loike a dummy an' hear these young blaggards spaking the 'Tim Malone Association' picnic," promptly said Roger. to me wid disrespect?" 'l'he widow turned sharply around. This pathetic appeal fetched Muldoon to his feet. "Did he take a girl to that side-stepper's picnic?" she asked. He arose with great majesty; green face and all. "You bet he did." "B'ys," said he, "ye forget the rispict due to a leddy. Act "Who was it?" loike gintlemen, or, begorra, I'll walk on yez back till yez ar"Mulcahy's sister Kate." ticulate blood!" "That strawber:ry blonde, wid fate like Frinch fiats?' By this time Mr. Flew had arrived with the table. "That's her. Oh, he treated her like a lady-ice-cream, He placed it carefully in the middle of the room. cairn, banana fritters-ride home in a cab--yum!" "Repose on that, please," requested Roger, to Muldoon. "I don't belave ye." The Solid Man climbed upon it and lay down with an "Look in his locket; he's got her picture there to keep off anxious look upon his pea-green visage. cramps!" "Will yez have the civility to inform me of the maning av The jealous lady made a dive for Muldoon's locket. this inquest?" said he. She opened it. "So that we can get at your face better with the pumice Sure enough, the tintype of a young lady confronted her. stone," Bobby returned. "The hussy!" squealed she; "where is my picthure that "Now, some ropes, please," said Roger to Mr. Flew. gave ye, ye monkey-man coquette?" Muldoon was off of the table in a flash. He put on his hat. "He put it down cellar to scare rats," Roger volunteered. "Yez can't come it; I am too fly for ye, ye Canadian Thug!" Mrs. Halorahan shut up the tell-tale locket with a snap, he yelled. and flung it back to its utterly discomfited owner. "What's up now?" Roger queried, in astonishment. "Yez can scrub the side-boards off av the villain an' I'll not "Didn't yez order ropes for wan?" interfere," she said. "Yes." The boys were now masters of the situation; every one "It is no go; I have dropped to yer dodge." present was on their side. "What dodge?" They went at Muldoon lively, and got up a good circulation "Yez desire to get ropes and sthrangle me for me gold. Not of blood in his face. much!" First he threatened to murder them, to scalp them alive, to "Of all the suspicious old terriers, he takes the belivar," do everything to them that was bad, bloody and terrible. muttered Roger; then aloud: Then he changed his tune. "What are you giving me, anyhow? You see, the table is "Let up, Roger," he pleaded, "and I'll buy yez a Maltese shaky--" dog." "Has it the yellow fever?" No answer but the rasp-rasp of the pumice stone. "Stuff-and therefore I want to tie you fast to it, so that "I'll purchase yez a spitz cat!" when we rub you our hands won't slip and puc your eye out Rasp--rasp. with the pumice stone. See?" "I'll take yez to the Olympic Thayatre and buy yez a bouquet "It is no gum game?'' to fling at the faymale monsters." "No--square deal." Rasp--rasp. Muldoon got on to the table again. Mr. Flew got several "Howly Moses, stop, whirra! I'll buy yez a plug hat an' a rnpes, and the boys tied Muldoon firmly to the table by means pair av high-heeled boots, an' let yez stand on the corner an' of his hands and feet. scrutinize the shop girls." The widow hovered around in great anxiety. Rasp--rasp! Roger was as deaf as a stone, or made out to "Och hone--och hone! He'll--" be. Muldoon raised his head. So poorMuldoon turned to Bobby. "Woma.n!" he sternly ordered, "kape the 'och hone' toyer"Bobby,'' he gasped, with tears in his eyes, "ye are a foine self, or by the socks av St. PiCtrick, I will blind ye wid lad; ye are a credit to your family. saliva." "If yez will slaughter that son-of-a-gun av a nephew av This awful threat apparently squelched the widow. mine I'll lave yez a poll-parrot an' a monkey with a long tail, She subsided, and contented herself by expressing her whin I die!" anxiety with her eyes and not with her tongue. Bobby winked, on philosophical principles. Roger and Bobby each grabbed a hunk of pumice stone. "Not for Bob!" he murmured; "you have got to get that "Are you ready?" asked Roger. green off your face or die--that settles it."

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THE TROUBLES OF TERRENCE MULDOON. 11 "An' me, too!" groaned Muldoon, turning as a last resource to the widow. "Arrah, Bridget, alanna, can yez stand by an' see yez own Terry kilt before yer eyesight?" "Take Kate Mulcahy to the picnic, will yez?" icily answered thE: widow. "Shure I didn't; she took me!" "Give her ice-cream and root beer?" "Divil a bit; it wur a sody cracker an' wather." "Bring her home in a cab?" "A five-cint cab, wid a money-box at aich ixtremity." "Carry her picter in yer Milton gould locket?" "It is not hers," "Whose is it?" "Me grandmother's. "Ye fib loike a politician," rejoined the widow, "an' I will not interfere." His last hope of intercession gone, he howled like a fiend. As luck would have it, the policeman whose beat was on the street outside was the same Dutch cop who had bothered Muldoon so at the circus, and showed nim off to an astonished <.:rowd as the Borneo gorilla. He heard Muldoon's cries. "Py Gott!" he said, clutching his club, "somepody vos ged-ding killed! I must peon hand to finish the job. He mounted the stairs and burst into the room. "Vat vos de racked?" he asked. "Be Heavens, it is cramating me tha't they are!" wailed Muldoon. "Gaze at me visage!" CHAPTER V. The Dutch policeman sucked his club and looked wise. "Where haf I seen you pefore?" he asked of Muldoon. "Sing Sing," promptly replied Roger. "Blackwell's Island!" cheerfully seconded Bobby Burke. "You pays vos too recent." growled the peeler; "petter go git oldt. Vhere did I see you pefore, mister?" "Damned if I know!" groaned Muldoon ; "if yez do not in-terfere yez will niver see me again excipt as a corpse." The peeler gazed at Muldoon. And buried himself in thought. From which he soon emerged. "Py Shiminy!" said he, a light of intelligence on his face, "I knows who you vos. You vos de gorilla man-dot Irisher dot dey took for a monkey." "Be Heavens, ye are Mickey Gugenstine, the pretzel-ater," yelled Muldoon. The policeman looked at him doubtfully. "You haf insulted the bolice," he remarked. "I haf a tam goot mind to glub you, anyhow. "That's all right, officer," politely said Roger; "don't mind him; he is a little off." "Drunk?" "No; wOrse." "What?" "Green fever." "Gott in Himmel, vat vos dos?" "Brother-in-law to yellow fever." "Vos it gatching?" "Stagg his face. All the block is sick with it. Coffins have all given out, and we're using piano boxes. It's terrible!" That was enough for the peeler. He swallowed the taffy whole, and got out on the double quick. "Will ye save me?" shrieked Muldoon "Go to the duyfel, replied the cop as he skipped downstairs and ran to the station-hous e to report that a green fever epi demic had broken out in Harlem. After he was gone Roger considered. The joke had been carried quite far enough-at least in its present location. The r efore he untied Muldoon. "We b etter get home," said he. Anywl;J.er e where I can kill meself," groaned Muldoon, as he got up and felt of his face, which was as sore as a face could b e "Shall I call a carriage?" asked Mr. Flew, obsequiously. "A h earse would be more suitable," murmured Muldoon "Make it a barouche," suggested the widow. "Muldoon would be a fine-looking pill to ride around in an open barouche," laugh_ed Bobby. "Better get a sprinkling cart and put him inside wilh the water." "Mr. Robert Burke," said Muldoon with dignity, "ye are too brand new; yez organs of spache are too enlarged. I will have a cab." A cab was procured. Roger, Bobby and Muldoon got in, the widow going home mad because she could not ride around in ostentatious splen' dor in a barouche with l'ed wheels. The cab load went home very quietly. Except that Muldoon smashed all of the front glass windows with Bobby because that young gentleman persisted in singing the "Wearing of the Green." On his arrival home Muldoon went to bed. He stayed there till the next day. Then he arose. '"iiOier called in Bobby. A consultation was held in the cozy little dining-room. "How in the divil will I get rid of the grane?" was Mul doon's stereotyped wail. Various plans were proposed. Roger that he take a Turkish bath and sweat it out of him. Bobby wanted to go at it with soap and water, but Muldoon vigorously objected. He had got all he wanted of the scrub bing process. At last Roger had an idea of scintillating brilliancy. "I've got it!" he yelled. "Does it hurt?" asked Muldoon with evident solicitation. "Taffy; it's an idea." "Roger, hould it fast; put a padlock on it. It is the first idea ye iver had in your life. Put a padlock on it! What is it?" "Whitewash." "Who?" "Y6u." Muldoon glanced pityingly at him. "Sind for a sergeant, Bobby, said he in a stage whisper, "his intellect is collapsing! Does he take me tor a picket fence?" "Laugh all you want to," good-humoredly responded Roger, "but wait till I tell you my plan. Uncle, you can' t go around with that green face, it is impossible. You'd get the laugh wherever you went. Now, if I whitewash you artistically--" "Whitewash me how?" "Artistically. "Roger O'Malley, ye will do nothing av the sort. If ye whitewash me at all, it will be wid a brush. None av yez Frinch diviltry for Terrence Muldoon!" "All right,'" said Roger, "then we'll whitewash you with a brush." "Will it hurt?" "No; we'll use a hair-brush if you say so." "But if I get meself de corated wid whitewash-begorra-folks will be taking me for a wall, an' salivating upon me." "Nonsense!" "How can I wash without the whitening coming off ?" "Don't wash-sweat." Muldoon was perplexed. On one hand he did not want to be of a green shade; and on the other, the prospect of becom ing transformed into a perambulating pillar of whitewash was anything but pleasant. He chose what he imagined was the lesser of the two evils. He determined to g e t whitewashed. "Prepare the ingredients, and slaughter me," said he. It did not take Roger and Bobby long to prepare a good, stiff pail of whitewash. Procuring a brush, the y brought the apparatus into Muldoon s presence. "Strip! ordered Roger. "Who?" a sked Muldoon. "You, of course." "An' what for?" "Haven' t we got to whitewash all of you?" "Faix, m e thrunk is not grane." "I know it, but you see if only your face is whitewashed it will be v ery injurious." "Ixplain. "Your larynx will get lost in your glottis, and the tissues of the capillary submaxillary will rot the carotid gland and the duodenum will conflict with the tri-cuspid ventricles." "Howly Heavens!" gasped Muldoon, "will somebody slug him wid a liver? Is it Arabic ye are giving me? For the love of Purgatory, where did yez grasp the worruds?" "It's so, seriously assured Roge r. "I would n ever have belaved it, although I had me sus-picions. Go on wid the whitewash act." Muldoon slowly undressed. Until he was very near naked. Meanwhile the boys quietly guyed him. "He has a fine form," said Roger. "Bully for a hat-rack," returned Bobby.

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12 'l'HE TRO U BLE S OF M U LDOON. "Do you think it breathes?" "Spit on it, and see if it will tloat. "Don't breathe hard or it will fall apart." "Wonder did it come up through a crack?" "Be aisy ordered Muldo "cm, "and eventuate the massacree." He stood up against the wall. Putting paper on the floor to protect the carpet, the boys went to work. Whack! went Roger's brush on Muldoon s face. "Be Heavens; put the pail in me eye; ye have got the brush there now!" yelled he. Don t mind a little thing like that," soothed Bobby, as he filled Muldoon's mouth with whitewash. "Now you won't need any dinner, old man." Oh, it was lots of fun for the boys A regular clam roast with surf bathing. They did Muldoon up in the highest style of art. "If you'll go and stand out in the moonlight folks will take you for an icicle," grinned Roger. "I know a bully place for him," said Bobby "Where?" Up at Central Park. Let him get his mouth full of water, and squirt for a fountain." "It's a foine time ye are having at me cost ," he ruefully ut tered. "How Jong will it be before I am dhry?" "Three years!" "Howly Moses! av the toime?" "Certainly." And have I got to remain undhressed all Muldoon leaned up against the wall, the personification of despair. "If yez can kill me widout being aware av it, do it," he pl ead en. Bobby shot a reproachful glance at Roger. "Roger is only taffy peddling," he said; "the whitewash will dry in an hour. Come upstairs and stand in the sun. Muldoon gratefully complied. He tramped upstairs. He left marks of his progress all along the route. There was whitewash on the stairs, whitewash on the bal usters, and additional whitewash on the walls. Even the cat that brushed by him on his way up, retreated to the cellar with a whitewashed tail. Finally, though, he came to anchor in the garret, Bobby per suading him that that was the best place to dry in, owing to the sun shining directly in through the skylight. Roger fixed him in a good attitude. Then he went and got a board. A nice, white, shaven pine board, and he took out a blue pencil. Going down on his hands and knees he chalked on the board the simple sentence: "Hands off!" Muldoon looked on curiously. "Fwhat are yez doin' that for?" said he; "who the divil do yez suppose would imagine that the board iver had hands? why don't ye put on another line, wid 'Fate Missing?'" Cheese it!" yelled Roger, as he kicked the cigars under the piano, put the claret bottle inside of the bookcase and ran to answer the ring. Three ladies were there, and a gentleman. One of the Jadie,s was fleshy and innocent-looking another was thin and shrewd-looking and the third was middling, an_ d had a face whic h contained about as much i'ntelligen c e as c u stard pie. As for the g entleman, he evidently Jived on the broad grin. Roger politely asked the party their business, as he did not know one of them from a c row. "We have come to look at the house," replied the first lady, cheerfully. You can look at it all you want, no charge," answered Roger, in wonde r. The lady notic ed his tone of hesitation. "It' s all right, ain' t it?" said she. I saw the advertisement in the paper this morning. House to let or for sale. We've come to examine it." A light broke upon Roger. The crowd were house hunting, and by some accid ent had arrived at the wrong house He thought he might get some fun out of their mistake. Therefore, he op e ned the door with a very ob sequious air. "Perambulate into the moated grange and I will show you the castle with joy he observed, as solemnly as an owl. The ladies stared hard at him, and the gentleman grinned more than ever. Nevertheless they entered. "My name is Mrs. Grab ," said the first lady. "That gentle man is my husband. rhis lady (the shrewd-looking one ) is Miss Primp." As for the third lady, she was not introduced. She did not appear to have any name, and see med simply a sort of Jay figure brought along to swell the crowd and fill up the tableau. Roger bowed "M y name is Philadelphia Baltimore Fresh," he announced. "I will show the house Whe r e would you like to go first?" C ellar!" snapped Miss Primp. "Sorry, but we haven't any." "No cellar?" "Nixey, madam." "Where is it?" 1 "We' ve stored it till winter. Won't you please to scrutini ze the parlors?" Miss Primp sniffed suspiciously, and said that she would Accordingly Roger headed the assemblage into the parlor. Bobby was there. "Who's that ?" asked Miss Primp. My brother, Oshkosh Guttenberg Recent," said Roger; "Oshy help me conduct these ladies round the house. In the parlor were hung portraits of the Muldoon family. Muldoon had painted them himself. He was a great artist. There was a pleasing vagueness about the portraits that was entirely original with Muldoon. All the portraits had square heads, circular bodies and big feet. Roger laughed, as he replied: "Oh, it will do good enough as it is." The men bore a close family resemblance to gorillas, and "What are yez goin' to do wid it?" the women looked like apes. Oh, Muldoon was a gigantic hit "Hang it around your neck for a locket." a
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'I'HE 'I'lWUBLES O.F 'I'EinlENCE :MULDOON. 13 -splash!-splash! with the force of a mountain torrent the water showered down on the unfortunate Miss Primp. She gave a yell that could be heard for a mile, and bobbed back her head. It was dripping with water. Her 'hat was soaked through and through "Oh, ouch!" she shrieked. "I'm drowned! Help-help, somebody!" Roger grabbed her, and gave her a towel. "Here, quick! rub yourself with that. How in thunder did the shower bath turn on just then?" he shouted, with well assumed disgust. "You busted it yourself the other day," said Bobby. "So I did," mourned Roger, "and somebody must have ac cidentally touched the faucet. Madam, I wouldn't have had it happen for worlds." "Me neither," wailed Miss Primp. "Oh, dear, I wish I was dead! Here is iny new hat completely ruined; my back hair is all wet, and I've got water all over my dolman." "Good Lord!" remarked Mr. Grab, grinning harder than ever. All hands went to work to repair the damaged lady. Roger was foremost in the work of Samaritanism. She begged for camphor o restore her shaken nerves. He brought hartshorn, and had the pleasure of seeing her gasp for breath and nearly execute a somesault at the first sruell she took. Then she wanted a hot iron to press her bonnet with. Roger got one, and at the first attempt scorched one side of the bonnet to ashes. Finally she grew suspicious, and repudiated all his offers of assistance. "I believe you know more about that shower bath than you let on," said she, as she got herself to rights somehow. "I don't believe it was altogether accidental." "Purely so," assured Roger, innocent as a selected angel. "Well, I don't like this house, and I'm going home," said she, with particular emphasis on the I. "We'll go, too," said Mrs. Grab; "the house don't suit me, either. It has no balcony, no southern exposure, and no cellar." "Good Lord!" complacently remarked Mr. Grab, in a terrible grin. They were about moving off when a second intellectual thought came into Roger's noddle. "Beg pardon, ladies," said he, "but wouldn't you like to look at the statue?" "What statue?" was Mrs, Grab's query. "A marble statue of Brian the Brave, made by a relative of ours. We intend to put it in the Museum of Art next week, and the management are now fitting up a niche for it. It is now in our garret. "Is there any shower bath connected with the statue?" aske. d Miss Primp, with cutting sarcasm. "No," answered Roger. "Then I don't mind looking at it." The rest assented, for Miss Primp appeared to be the leader of the party. She walked first with Mrs. Grab, and the no account lady without a name followed with Mr. Grab. Need less to say, Mr. Grab was on the grin. Roger led the way up into the garret. He unlocked the door. Muldoon was still there. He was soliloquizing when he heard the snap of the lock. "4rrah, but this is a foine situation," he was grumbling; "stuck up in a garret wid whitewash all over me, an' basking in the sun loike a dirt turtle. Wondher who it is that is about to enther now?" When he saw the procession, headed by Roger, come into the garret, he actually blushed. "Women, begorra!" he muttered, "an' me wid ab0ut as much garmentry on as a birrud. What is that imp av the divil up to now?" He soon found out. Roger advanced, and with a small cane pointed out Muldoon, in orthordox showman's style. "'This is the statue of Brian the Brave," he said; "what do you think of it?" Miss Primp turned up her nose. "It looks like a gorilla!" said she. "Its legs are crooked!" said Mrs. Grab. "Good Lord! when mouths were given out, it got two!" grinned Mr. Grab. "What a nasty nose!" "It looks like a Mexican idol!" "What horrid big feet. "Poke it!" said Roger, giving Miss Primp the cane. Miss Primp did so. Muldoon winced visibly. "It moves!" cried she. "It is hardly dry yet," explained Roger. "Have you seen all you want of it?" "Yes," snorted Miss Primp; "if I was you I'd put it in the cellar instead of the museum. Who owns the house, anyhow?,. Roger and Bobby exchanged winks. "A riddle, named Muldoon," said Roger, soberly. "Is he in?" "Yes, ma'am, for six months." "In prison?" "Yes, ma'am. He is an awful hard case. He stole a side walk, which was the whole support of a family of orphan widows." "The wretch!" groaned Miss Primp. Muldoon could stand it no longer. "Be Heavens!" yelled he, "I am not a statue! My name is Muldoon, an' I will lick any sucker that blaggards me!" "Good Lord!" exclaimed Mr. Grab, actually stopping grinning in his surprise. CHAPTER VI. At Muldoon's unexpected action and outcry the Grab crowd was perfectly paralyzed. Mr. Grab turned as pale as a whitewashed fence. "Good Lord!" he gasped. Mrs. Grab gave a hysterical screech. "I shall faint!" she cried. "Don't," pleaded Muldoon, "the place will not stand it. Do yez desire to shipwreck the house?" "It speaks again!" yelled Miss Primp, who had been regarding our hero with protruding eye:;. "Is there anything remarkable in me articulating, miss?j politely asked Muldoon. "Are you alive?" "Did yez ever behold a corpse that could walk and spachify? Smell av me breath, if ye think I am dead." "Who are you?" feebly asked the astonished old maid. "My name is Muldoon." "Then you are not a statue?" "Di vii a bit!" "And your name is not Brian the Brave?" "Brian the Bum would be more loike it." Miss Primp looked at him, and remembered that her maiden modesty should be terribly shocked at the sight of a half-clad gentleman, now that she was persuaded that he was not a statue. "Put on a pair of-of-of--" she stammered. "Cuffs?" asked Muldoon. "No-no; p-p--" "Pepper?" "Mercy, no. I mean p-p-" "Paper collars, ye daisy!" "No-no; I mean--" "She means pants," blurted out Mrs. Grab, recovering from her desire to faint. "You ain't in the South Sea Islands, sir, and you ought to know better than to go around with nothing but a sheet around your waist." "Begorra, it is not a sheet, it is a Il}atthress," replied Muldoon. "No matter what it is. Put on your clothes." "Shure, I don't want them whitewashed," blurted Muldoon. "Good Lord," groaned Mr. Grab, "the statue--! mean the man-is painted!" "Whitewashed, be Heavens!" corrected Muldoon, sternly. Of course female curiosity was at once aroused. Even the lady with no name seemed to come to life, for an enigmatic expression of curiosity--or despair, it was hard to tell which-appeared on her face. So Muldoon was coerced into telling the whole story of the unlueky visit to the photograph gallery, and the fatal result. Pity was instantly expressed for him. Mrs. Grab was equal to the occasion. "I have a brother that is a chemist," said she; "you had better call on him, he may be able to remove the dye. Whitewashing yourself is all nonsense. How would you ever wash!" The thought impressed Muldoon deeply. "Bedad, I niver thought av it," he said. "Suppose that I bad got caught in the rain! Wid yez kind permission, ma'am, if yez will direct me, I will visit yer brother immediately." Mrs. Grab said she was willing to go right off. Miss Primp said she would waltz along also. As for Mr. Grab and the fe male riddle with no name, it was understood that they would follow the others.

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14 'l'H.E 'rIWUBLES OF TERHENCE MULDOON. "Roger!" shouted Muldoon at his nepllew, who had dis creetly remained silent during the event above narrated, "ring the telegraph alarm for a burglar boy to git me a barouche." Roger obeyed. He rang the telegraph and a boy soon ap I>eared, who quickly got a carriage. Muldoon dressed, and in company with the others entered. 'l'hey all drove down to see Mrs. Grab' s brother, who was a chemist on Second avenue. By the aid of a chemical wash he quickly removed the green and restored Muldoon's face to its original hue. Muldoon was happy. He took everybody to supper at a fashionable restaurant, paid for it like a man, hired a private box at the theatre, and went off on a howling spree, arriving home about 3 o clock in the morning, escorted by a staggering crowd of friends. The consequence was that the next day he had a head on him of surprising magnitude "How do you feiel ?" asked Roger, as his uncle came down to breakfast in the morning. "All broke up!" groaned Muldoon "Tottery, eh?" 4'Bedad, I belave I have got the yellow faver." 4'Not much. Have a little brandy?" Roger O Malley, niver mention the name of the alcoholjc be.
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THE TROUBLES OF TERRENCE MULDOON. 15 A train was take n to a quiet little village. At the station they all got off and plunged at once into the woods. Muldoon inhale d the pure atmosphere. He grew enthusi astic about it. "Do yez smell the fragrance av the buttercups and the scint av the cillslnuts? h 6 asked. "All I smell is something dead," practically said Roger. "Ye have the catarrh. lt is the blossoms av the coffee-rose." "Who ever smelt roses in October?" "Roger O'Malley, ye are too recent. Don't you smell the il-ligant perfume, James?" James tremblingly said that he did. He was fearful that Muldoon would blow the whole top of his head off if he made a contrary answer. Roger made no r e ply. H e led the way across a small clearing. And all the way Muldoon kept gassing about clover and roses, pure country air and honeysuckle scent, and so forth, and h e made the miserable James corroborate every word that h e said. By and by Roger stopped at a fence. He pointed triumphantly on the other side. "There," he s aid, "is your sweet smell. A dead horse. Sure enough the rotting carcass of a horse lay there, almost covered with flies Muldoon was nonplussed. But with his usual cheek he put it on James. All of the ignominy-not the horse. "It' s a gilded liar ye are, ye British blonde!" said he fiercely 'Ow's that?" faltered James. "Ye war giving me taffy about smelling honeysuckles an' sti'nk weed. Begob can't yez tell a horse that's too ripe from a bouquet?" "You said so yourself; H'I h'only h'agreed with you," said James, completely astonishe d. "I'm a liar, am I?" "H'I h'only h observed that H'I--" "I will have none av yer back talk,' Muldoon roared, "ye have proved yerself a liar. It is me duty to punish ye." James got white in the face and his knees shook. "Please let me go 'ome," pleaded he. "Do ye hear the voluptuary cheek av the what-is-it?" stormed Muldoon; "he wants to gome home. Ye will niver, ye English conundhrum; ye are doomed! Jame s felt as if he wanted to die right off. "Take this Henry Mud," commanded Muldoon, producing a cigar from his vest pocket. James took it as if fearful that it might explode and slaughter him. "Put it into your mouth," Muldoon continued. James did so. "Now light it!" The order was obeyed. "Now go an' stand beyond that bull-chestnut tree, and f old your arms." "What h'is h 'it for?" James ventured to ask. "Be Heavens, I intend to shoot the saygar out av your mouth," replied Muldoon. "I will do it or die. I have killed six men already attempting the fate, but I am bound to suc ceed. Get into position, Docthor Carver." James plumped down upon his knees. "Spare me--h'I 'ave a wife an' h'eight children 'ome," wept he. "I don't care if ye had one child an' eight wives." "But my h'old mother depends h'upon me for support. "If I kill ye I will hire a naygar to take care of her. Will yez get under the tree?" "Mister Muldoon, h'I'll--" "Me name is not Muldoon; it is Cornaylius Tough. If yez don't do as I tell yez I'll shoot yez an' spare the saygar." James saw that entreaties would be of no avail. He went to the tree with the eagerness of a condemned criminal going to the gallows. It would have been an excellent shot that could have knocked the cigar out of his mouth, for he trembled so that th' weed appeared to be beating time for a lively galop. "Stand still; ye sucker!" yelled Muldoon. "H'I can't!" "Yez will whin I put a ton av bird shot into yer corposity. Ready, fire, aim!" Muldoo n pulled the trigger. The gun didn't go off. It was one of the gun's peculiarities. James made up his mind not to stand the chances of a second trial. He took to his heels with the fleetness of a gazelle. Muldoon grabbed the gun and started after him. "Bedad, I'll shoot him now, anyhow!" he yelled. James led him a chase through a field. In the field was a bull. A bad bull with a wicked heart, and a pining to kill some body as an agreeable change from the monotony of grass cropping. He caught sight of Muldoon. And he started after him with a tremendous bellow. Muldoon heard it and cast a look behind him. "Begorra! I am pursued by a. he cow!" he shouted. "Roger O'Malley; Roger, ye divil "What?" replied Roger, who, as a matter of course, was ln a safe place. "Hould on to that bull's tail till I git out av his rache." "Shoo fly!" answered Roger, hurling a huge rock at the bull, which missed him and struck Muldoon on the ankle. "Show me the sucker that did that, an' I'll fight him for a. cup!" roared Muldoon. He was on the top of a fence as he spoke the words. James was just a little ahead, fleeing tor dear life. Muldoon paused on top of the fence to rub his leg. '!'his was the bull's opportunity. He hooked Muldoon right under the coat tails. Bang went Muldoon's gun, and James uttered a dismal howl. "H'I'm shot!" wailed he. As for Muldoon, he went up into the air like a rocket and landed down into a ditch. It was full of water-dirty water-and he got a baptism of mud. "Throw me a life-preserver. I'm dhrounded he sputtered, endeavoring to spit the mud and water out of his mouth. The bull was looking at him from over the fence. As the bull was not a hurdle-racer, he could not get over the fence very well. Muldoon took off his coat, also his hat. He piled them up nicely in a heap, and began a wild Afgan istan shadow dance. "Come on, ye fresh baste," invited he, "an' I'll paste the grass out av ye." The bull was unable to comply, though, doubtless, he was willing enough. "Ye're a poltroon, ye are a coward; ye ain't a bull at all, ye're a snakin' fishworm. Come up an' hit a man whin his back is tu:rned, ye four-legged Turk! Bejabbers, I'd spit in ye : eye an' blind yez for a cint," Muldoon observed, at the top of his voice. 'l'he bull only bellowed. Then Muldoon got reckless. He hurled bad names at the bull. Also mud. "I'll presint yez wid a !all ulster of mud, ye reptile av the G1"nges!" proclaimed Muldoon. Whether it was the mud or the remarkable holy show that Muldoon made of himself which frightened the bull is un certain. Anyhow, he turned and fled to other pastures. Muldoon put on his hat and coat. "Roger, ye spalpeen, did yez see me discomfort the baste?" he asked. "What?" "Did ye see me demoralize the riddle? It is the boss bull fighter that I am. Shure, I'm going to Spain, Massachusetts, an' captivate the leddies wid me agility in the bull-ring." "Go 'way,'' sneered Roger. "Do yez mane to say I am not a truth teller?" "You ought to write a fairy story, old man." "I did. I said ye wur good-looking. The gang tould me I wur a liar, an' slugged me wid polonaise sausages the first time I took a lemonade on the avenue." A series of howls interrupted this friendly verbal set-to. "What's broke loose now?" asked Muldoon. "James," calmly said Roger, walking up as cool as a cucumber. "Where is he?" "On the ground." "Has he a spasm of melancholy?" "Guess you shot him." "St. Patrick be glorified! Let me investigate." Sure enough, James was lying on the ground, writhing and groaning. Muldoon and Roger approached. "Have ye the flying jim-jams?" Muldoon sociably asked. "H'I'm killed!" groaned James. "Is it dangerous?" "You 'ave murdered me." "The divil ye say! Where did it take place?" "H'in my-h'in my rear. "Thin, begorra, I have blowed out yez brains! Turn over, ye spalpeen, till I hold a consultation over yer remnants!" James did as requested.

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16 THE TROUBLES OF TERRENCE MULDOON. Muldoon made the examination. It disclosed that James was unhurt. The shot had only shattered a brandy bottle, which was in his coat-tail pocket. But the concussion was so great that James imagined he was a goner, sure. "Faix, it's a terrible shame!" "What h'is h'a shame?" James inquired. "The waste av good brandy. Why did!!'t yez put the liquor in your chatelaine bag, ye swell?" CHAPTER VII. 'This little shooting incident put an end to Muldoon's gun ning expedition. He came home good-humoredly, though, and stopped at Washington Market and purchased a quail. "No one can give me the laugh for goin' out shooti'ng an' coming back with nothing to show for it," he said, as he put the quail away in the basket. "Why don't you buy a 'ligger bird?" asked Roger. Muldoon regarded him with a smile of superiority. "'Roger," said he, "ye have no B. H." "What's that?" "Big head, ye donkey. Ye see I have a small gun, an' con sequently I can only shoot a small bird. Ah, Roger, it is a vivid intellect I have." Roger acknowledged the truth of his uncle's remarks. And offered to carry the basket. Roger had a purpose in so doing. While Muldoon stopped to lick a car driver for not waiting till he got past before starting his car, Roger went to a fish stand, bought an eel and substituted it for the quail. Two policemen having separa'ted Muldoon and the car driver, he and Roger continued their way to Harlem. Right near the house they met a servant girl of Muldoon's acquaintance. She was pretty, she was red-headed, she was Irish. Therefore, Muldoon cultivated ter acquaintance. "What are yez doin' wid the gun, Misther Muldoon?" she smiled. "I have been hunting, ye Canadian coquette," lovingly re-plied Muldoon. "What luck did ye have?" "Gigantic." "Ye are fooling." "Divil a bit. Shure, I shot,,three elephants and a lobster." "Really?" "By the cross of St. Stephen. Bedad, I came near mas sacreeing a sea-cow." "An' why did yez not?" "There wur not any to massacree. If I had comprehended that I would meet you, Nancy Lee, I'd a brought ye home a giraffe wing to wear in yez hat." The girl grinned knowingly. "Ye are giving me taffy on ice," smiled she. "Luk into the basket," replied Muldoon; "I have a Hoboken :aigle inside." The girl obeyed. Cautiously she took the lid off. Out wriggled the eel. "' Howly mother!" yelled she, starting back in horror, "it's a snake. Kill it!" Muldoon was thun.derstruck. "Where did it come from?" gasped he, as he chased it around the sidewalk, and tried to step on its head. "Hanged if I know," said Roger. "Where is me quail?" "Gone to look for Charley Ross ." "But how did the eel get in the basket?" persisted Mul doon, jumping on the eel with both feet. Of course the slimy thing slipped away, and Muldoon sat down in the gutter on IJimself. As for the servant girl, she turned up her nose. "Misther Terrence Muldoon, Esquire," said she, with great dignity, do ye see any green in my eye?" "No; ye are a daisy," answered Muldoon, at random, won4 dering what was to come next. 1 "Then niver try to play any av your tarrier tricks on me," she snapped, moving off with as much dignity as if she owned a tenement house with seven door bells, and lay abed till three o'clock in the afternoon. Muldoon gazed ruefully after her. "To think av the princely fortune I have wasted on that fairy, too," he sighed. "Have you lavished much gold on her?" asked Roger. "Lavished is a good word, Roger. If I were yez I would have it varnished. Be Heavens, I have indulged her loike a quane. It was only yisterday I bought her a taycul' full of peanuts and tuk her to Calvary Seminary to read the picthures on the tombsto nes. An' now she has shook me," lamented Muldoon. He felt so badly about it that he was compelled to go into a gin dispensary to brace up. "Thought you swore off of drinkin g," remarked Roger. "So I have for playsure, Roger. This is medicinal," gravely said the old humbug. "Are you sick?" "I have a tuberose on my leg. Give me lemonade wid a telegraph pole in it, barkeeper." The barkeeper did so. He did it again. And several more times. Muldoon began to feel jolly-wanted to waltz up the street with a beer keg in his arms, and chassez to every hydrant. "Let's have some fun to-night, Roger," he proposed. "All right," readily responded Roger; "but come home first and take off the hunting togs." Muldoon agreed. He went home and dressed himself up in his best. His hair fairly shone with bear's grease, and his whiskers were care fully combed. "How do I luk?" he asked. "Ain't 1 a swell av the day? Will yez gaze at me posthure? This style, six for three cents." "You look immense," was Roger's criticism. They took a Third avenue car down to the Bowery. Alighting at Grand street, they strolled down the busy avenue. Somehow every five minutes Muldoon got into a position where he couldn't see what time it was, and had to go into a saloon to see. The result of this frequent time-seeing was that the Solid Man got sociably tight. But it only made him more mighty and awe-inspiring. He buttoned up his coat, and walked along like a duke. "Be Heavens, me name is Terrence Muldoon, and I am a Solid Man he persisted m repeating. "Come w1d me an' I'll thrate ye dacent." By and by they struck a sort of concert saloon. Most of the hall was occupied by tables, at which groups of men were sitting, smoking and drinking. The rest of the space was taken up by a sort of rude stage, erected at a short distance from the floor on wooden supports. Muldoon entered and pushed his way through the crowd. At one of the tables sat an English swell, sight-se eing. As Muldoon passed he hit the glass of ale which the swell had in his hand. Over it went on its owner's fancy fall suit. "My h'eyes, this h'is a blarsted outrage, you know" ex claimed the swell. "Did yez articulate to me?" politely asked Muldoon "H'of course. Your blarsted carelessness 'as spoiled my togs, dem the blooming luck!" angrily replied the swell. Muldoon took off his hat. "Spit in it for luck, Roger," said he. Roger complied. "Now hang me vest on the flure." "All right." These rapid changes placed Muldoon in his bare head and shirt-sleeves. "Whoop!" be shouted, as he doubled up his fist and gave the astonished swell a rap that sent him over the table, "wan for ould Ire land. Get up, ye bloody Sassenach, till I knock stiff. Whoop! wurra! somebody step on the tail av me ulsfer." Muldoon's actions and his wild language had by this time attracted the attention of most all in the saloon. Somebody kicked Muldoon's hat out of Roger's hand. Another mischief-maker caught it when it came down and boost.ed it up again. "Slug the dicer!" "Stab the bandbox!" "Shoot the kady!" "Knock the stopepipe!" Thus howled the crowd as they fired the old hat around lively. It was lots of fun for them. But it wasn't for Muldoon. He started on a frantic chase after his head-gear. Just as he would reach it and go to grab it, somebody would kick it away, and the chase would commence anew. Finally, tired and exhausted, he went to the proprietor of the place, who stood laughing behind the bar at the racket. "Where's me hat?" Muldoon panted. "What hat?" "Me Sunday hat. Begorra, I paid twinty-six <::ints for it in the Bowery." "You never had a hat." "Do ye:; mane to say that I came in here wid no bonnet?"

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THE TROUBLES OF 'l'ERRENCE MULDOON. 17' "Of course. came in?" Billy, did this riddle have a hat on when he Billy, who was the barkeeper, took his cue promptly. "Gent didn't have a hat," he said; "told me that it had just been run over by a car on Third avenue." "I'll lave it to the gang!" cried Muldoon, as a last resort. The "gang" deliberately went back on him. "You had a soap box on your head." "No, he didn't, it was a handkerchief." .. I'll take my oath it was a bonnet with red flowers in it." 'Twasn't; 'twas a tomato can tied on with a chain." "Get out, he had two feathers stuck into his hair and he told me he was an Injun." So they CO'ntradicted each other, and got. a grand laugh on Muldoon. He saw that he was the victim of a practical joke, and that he might as well make the best of it. So he ordered drinks all around, and finally his hat was re siored to him, bruised and battered almost beyond recog nition. But he was so thankful to get any of it at all, that he put it on without a murmur and took his seat at a table. Presently a close-cropped gentleman, with a gorgeous red necktie and a phenomenally dirty face, carried a table onto the stage. He put it down and advanced to the front. Holding up his hand for silence, he shouted in a husky voice: "Gents: By special request Patsy Fagan an' O'Leary's Mouse have wolunteered to give a friendly set-to with the gloves. In h'order to see a square mill I have undertook to be referee." A roar of applause followed this announcement. Canes rapped on the floor and glasses rattled on the tables, anti the referee retired with a low bow. Hardly had the applause subsided before Patsy Fagan and O'Leary's Mouse, both in tull ring costumes, but with gloved hl!nds, appeared upon the stage. After a preliminary shake, they indulged in a rattling mill, :which seemed to afford the audience much pleasure, judging b y the applause which followed. At the conclusion of the round Patsy Fagan retired, but O 'Leary's Mouse kept the stage. This was. explained by the referee coming forward and saying: "Gents, h'if any one of you would like to put on the gloves with the Mouse, he is h'agreeable to oblige." Up staggered Muldoon, only knocking over three chairs and up:.etting the table as he did so. Roger pulled him back into his seat again. "Where are you going?" asked he. "To bate the nose in av the tarrier on the stage," replied Muldoon. "For Heaven's sake sit down; you'll get killed," advised Roger. "Divil a bit." "You can't box." "Shure I won the first prize, a gould-plated barn, at a boxing match at Limerick, Spain. I was matched to box wid a conundhrum, that weighed a ton and had a fist that meant death." "How did you lick him." "He died the day before the match came off. See me para lyze the Mouse, as they call him. Begorra, he looks like a "Gentlemen," interfered the referee, "h'if you are going to box-box, but give us a little less jaw melody." "Somebody put the gloves on the corpse," sarcastically re quested the Mouse. "I can do it meself," said Muldoon, and sure enough he succeeded in getting the articles named on to his hands in a wonderful style. He advanced toward the Mouse. "Ye bar kickings?" he asked. "Of course." "Don't bite?" "No." "No prostrating av a jintleman an' jumping onto his stomach?" "No." "Then put yer'self into position. Whoop! for the bowld Irish earthquake." Muldoon made a terrific pass at the Mouse's head. If the Mouse had been six feet higher than he was, Muldoon might possibly have hit him hard. As it was, his blow passed over the Mouse's skull, and, by force of his own blow, he lost hilil balance and tumbled down withol.lt the Mouse moving a finger. "Some son av a gun put grease onto the flure!" yelled Mul doon, as he tumbled. "Foul!" The spectators roared with laughter, and the referee as sisted him to rise. Muldoon was more cautious in tne next round. By some tremendous streak of blind luck he actually suc ceeded in hitting the Mouse in the nose and drawing blood. He was prouder than a pink cat with a blue tail, or a three legged rooster with feathers on his legs. "Arrah, gaze at me, b'ys," he said, strutting up and down the stage; "I am N. G. Faix, I'm a sthraw; blew on me an' I'll fly away. I am not a boxer, am I? Shure, I'm so
PAGE 20

18 THE TROUBLES OF 'l'ERRENCE MULDOON. "Faix, I couldn't go on wid a sewing machine, much less a I mill," sighed Muldoon. "Then get h'off the stage," said the referee. Muldoon obeyed. He crawled to his seat-all broke up. Everybody complimented him, sarcastically, of course, but )iuldoon didn't detect it. He took all the expressed admiration for genuine. At last he got to believe that it was he who had conquered "Arrah! it's me that is the boss shoulder hitter," he bragged. "Did yez see me conquer the omadhaun? He won't be able to walk for a week." "You're right," loudly coincided the gang, and Muldoon set up beer all around like a little man, and imagined he was far superior to the biggest-winged angel that ever flew. By and by a serio-comic singer appeared on the stage. She was like all the rest of serio-comic singers. She had a good figure, an excellent 'bust, a rather brassy face, and no more. In fact, she didn't sing. She yelled. But as Muldoon rather preferred the music of a boiler fac, tory to a grand piano, her lack of voice did not tend to check hi!:l admiration. It was openly expressed At the top of his voice. "She's a daisy!" he enthusiastically uttered. "She's a ham!" growled Roger. "She's a darlint!" thundered Muldoon. "She's a whale!" "She's a coquette!" "She's a sea-horse!" "She's a Iamb!" finally emphasized Muldoon He called to a boy who was peddling bouquets. "How much are they?' asked he. "Twenty-five cents apiece." "Give me. six." "Going to start a flower show?" queried Roger. "Divil a bit. I'm going to fling them to the birdie on state:: "Well, of all the old blockheads!" Roger said. the Muldoon regarded him with. only such a look of superior intellect and commiseration as a drunken man can put on. CHAPTER VIII. For a while after his experience at the Bowery free-and-eas y, Muldoon kept rather quiet, and did not go about as much a s usual. But one bright morning Alderman O'Malley arrived. He had his Sunday-go-to-meeting clothes on, and he was uncomfortably aware of the !act. "Where are yez going, ye gaudy blonde?" jokingly asked Muldoon. "Official business/' answered O'Malley. "Is it for the city?" "Ye are :right." "An' what may it be? Counting the cracks in the pavement, or ascertaining whether the City Hall has not got lost in the fog?" "Naythur.'' "Thin what is it?" "There is a new lunatic asylum opened, an--" "You are to be the first boarder," quietly put in Roger. "Roger, ye are too forward!" reprovingly said his father. "Ye should chew brine. As I wur about to say, there is a new lunatic asylum-private-opened up town. They have a number av maniacs already. Some sucker has kicked be cause the jintleman av the place poured hot wather down one av the madmen's necks to keep him quiet. So the jintleman has sint down, inviting the Board av Aldermen to make an investigation. They have appointed me." "Going now, dad?" Roger asked. "Yis; Muldoon, will yez come?" "Wid playsure." "May I come, pop?" "Yis; but I hope, begorra, that one av the maniacs will kill yez!" groaned his much-enduring father. Soon the three started. They took a coach. Of course the alderman charged it to the city. The city is rich, and just keeps its aldermen that their splendor may dazzle country villages. The private mad-house of which they were in search was in Morrisania. It was a handsome stone mansion, surrounded by a high brick wall, entirely shutting out all view of the grounds. Muldoon rang the big brass door-bell loudly. "There was a b'y kilt for not mindir;g his own business," he said, warningly; "if ye do not put a night-latch on your tongue there will be two." "Is t:\1e lunatic asylum widin ?" he queried grandly to the if you want trim housemaid who came to the door. "Oh, throw a whole beer garden at the wreck to!" answered Roger. Muldoon hurled all of his bouquets at once. One of them fell in a spittoon; another one hit a bald-headed man; two fell down on the footlights and smoked dolefully, while the rest reached the singer. She picked them up, and smiled sweetly at Muldoon. "Bedad, I've mashed her," he smiled. "Set them up for the Solid Man again!" Then he went over and talked to the proprietor of the place for a few minutes. He returned all smiles. "Wait for me at the little door around the corner," he whis-pered to Roger. "What for?" "Sure I'm going behind the scenes to see the daisy." Off he went. Roger went around to the little door indicated. Out came Muldoon very soon. 'He look ed dejected and sad, and terribly sold. "Hire a hearse for me, Roger!" he gasped. "Where's your mash-your daisy?" asked Roger. "Be Heaven she is a terror! She is seventy-nine years of age, and owns a red-headed husband wid a glass leg. Shure, she wanted me to buy her a gould horse for looking at her.'' "Sir?" she faltered. "Is the mad-house at home?" repeated Muldoon. "Dr. Pangburn is in," she said. "Is he boss av this chateau ?" "Yes, sir." "Then state to him that the Boord av Aldermen are out on the stoop, waitin' to be axed in. Are yez a lunatic?" "Not much, sir." "Be Heaven, I thought you war. Will yez phonograph what I said to the docthur?" The housemaid vanished from sight, leaving the visitors in the cold, bare hall. Muldoon looked critically around. "Divil a thing is there for anybody to stale here-not aven a hat-stand," he said. "I wondher where yez spit-on the ceiling or on the wall?" Just here Dr. Pangburn arrived. He was a sleek, fat little man, with a black mustache, dyed, and a bald head. He was so glad to sE1e his visitors, and he wanted them to see everything. At the same time he dropped a fifty-dollar bill on the floor. The alderman picked it up. "Ye dropped this, doctor," said he.

PAGE 21

THE TROUBLES OF TERRENCE MULDOON. 19 The doctor winked just p erceptibly. "Ho w is t h e Ma n i n t h e Moon?" glibly rattled o n t h e f a t "I think you dropped it yourself, alderman; into your pocket," he replied. better put it man. The alderman tucked it safely away with a cough. "It is a gilt-edged report wid pink tassels on it that the doctor will get," shrewdly whispered Muldoon to Roger. "Bully," responded Muldoon. "Did that apple pie that I sent him by carrierpigeon agree with him?" "It nearly killed him." The doctor l e d the way to the spacious grounds. Quite a number of the poor unfortunates confined "Ah! sorry, but the Princess of in the recipe. Do you know what she got Hungaria gave me the for it?" place were there, wandering around in the open air. "Six months?" Muldl'lon got separated from his party for a second. "No, she-" A tall, stately man, with a small wobden hatchet i n his Here the fat man stopped the conversation. He did a few .hand, approached. him. steps of a breakdown, took off his high plug hat, jumped on it, "Are you George the Third?" he asked, politely. and whistled cheerfully. "I am not," promptly returned Muldoon. Then as if by magic his face changed. "Are you Quee n Elizabeth?" His happy look faded away. "It is a foine dummy for a quane I'd make, wouldn't I?" In its place came one of piteous imploring. "Are you the river Nile?" "Give me my daughte r," pleaded he. "Divil a bit. I'm the Erie canal." "I will send her to yez by mail," u.nswered Muldoon, f u lly The tall man passed his hand across his bro w with a puzzled determined to "humor" him. .air. "Don't you know me?" he asked. "No, sir "1 The tall man drew himself up to his full height, and t o wered above the Irishman. I am George Washington," he proudly said. "Ye're giving me taffy!" "Don't you see my little hatchet?" growled the lunatic, shaking his wooden toy. "Where is she?" "On the island, begorra,!" "Is she well?" "Yez should see her ate!" / "Why did you take her from me? What did you want her for?" asked the poor man, the tears welling in his eyes. "For a sign to put out in front of a. coffee and cake saloon." A sudden rage of insanity blazed into the fat man's coun tenance. He knocked Muldoon flat with one blow of his fist. "Did yez cut d own the pine tree tar drops wid that?" asked Muldoon. "Lie there, villain!" he shouted; then, subject to another metamorphosis usual in ma::iia of his type, he burst into a Ye couldn't cut down a bush wid it, barring a comic song, laughed merrily, and look ed at the prostrate Mul"I did." "Yez lie. tree." The tall man grabbed Muldoon by the shoulder. "You are George the Third-George the Third in disguise," ile shrieked, shaking him. "You have come over here to spy out our weaknesses and try to crush us. Ah-ha-villain-I have ye!" and he shook Muldoon as bull-terrier would a rat. Muldoon yelled like a bull. "Somebody lay the sucker out wid a club," he implored. Dr. Pangburn was there in a secol:t'! He fixed his eye on the tall man. Before the eagle glance of the physician George Washington let go of Mul doon, and trembled like a leaf. "Off to your room, sir," ordered the ;"..Qctor, in the same tone of voice that he would use to a disobedient dog. Without a word the poor creature slunk away. The doctor turned to Muldoon. "Never contradict a lunatic," said he. "Buth towld me he was George Washington. Shure, iverybody knows that ould George has been dead for a cintury,'' said Muldoon, in extenuation. "Never mind, always humor them." "If one av them should say h e were a pin-wheel, I eughter agree wid him, an' offer to borry a matc h to set him off?" "That's it, exactly," laughed the doctor. Muldoon had an excellent opportunity within five minutes to try the new theory. A stout man in a high plug hat approached him. "Bow, you devil!" yelled he. Muldoon bowed. "If you hadn't done it, I'd a decapitated you! I've got a great mind to do so now, but I guess I won't. I'll ship you off to Arabia to help build my telegraph there," continued the fat man. "Very kind av yez," said Muldoon. "I wonder who ye are?" "Napol eo n Bonaparte," thundered the fat man. "That gentleman yonder," pointing to a meek-faced idiot, who stood grinning near, "is King Henry VIII." "Be Heavens! it is high-toned society that I am getting into!" reflected Muld o on doon in surprise. "Why, bless my soul, sir, did you fall?" he asked. "No, I dhropped," Muldoon gloomily answered, as he picked himself up and walked away. "To the divil wid yez kings and Napoleon Bonapartes. Shure, somebody will come along pretty soon a calling himself St. Patrick an' welt me wid a club for sthaling Ireland. I humored the maniac that time, and I will have to wear an oyster pie on me eye for months." But Muldoon soon forgot his troubles in a tasty little lunch, waE.hed down by Piper Heidsiec k which that skillful diplomat, Dr. Pangburn, spread in the cozy little anteroom. The alderman indulged too freely in the champagne. His remarks began to be beautiful for their intelligibility. "Mush make out my-hie-part of zer weshtergatin' 'mittee of zer boord av-hie-washerwomen," he hiccoughed. The doctor placed pen, ink and paper before him in a minute. The alderman tried to light his cigar with a lead pencil, failed, gave it up as a bad job, and to work. "Dr. Pangburn's 'sylum ish a-hie-model. Noshin' wrong -hic-everyzing in best or ordher. Feed-hic-aldermenmean lunatics-all-hie shamesing, anyhow, on-hie-oysters, champagne, an' z'gars," he sleepily repeated, elaborately writing on his paper with the top of his pen-holder. Finally he dropped it in the nearest spittoon, forgot to take it out again, and dozed off in a nap. "The alderman feels fatigued," remarked the doctor. "It's a fit av remorse for not swigging more," said Muldoon. "Suppose we go into the women's ward," proposed the doctor. Muldoon assented. Roger ditto. "I guess I'll let a keeper show you;' said the doctor, as if a thought had sud'denly occurred to him. "I'll stay here with thfl alderman." A keeper was summoned. He was a burly, good-natured chap named James. He conducted them to the sitting-room of the wome n's ward.

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20 THE TROUBLES OF TEURENOE MULDOON. Seven or eight women, all affiicted with some phase of de mentia, were clustered there. There was one particularly hideous old hag, who caught Muldoon's eye as he entered. "I don't wondher she's crazy," he said; "the soight av her self in the glass would be enough to dhrive her completely off av her nut." Judge of his horror when she made a bee-line for him. "Birdie," she cried. "Arrah, she takes me for a chicken," chuckled he. ''Darling," she lisped, with a horrible expression of tenderness on her wrinkled visage. "I am not yez darling," Muldoon shouted. "But you are." "Whoiver mentioned the fact, lied!" "Didn't you promise to love me?" "Thin I JJ?.USt have been paralyzed dhrunk." "You called me sweet and tender names." "Ould shipwreck, for example." "No-no; you called me a baby." "Ye are 'way off. It is a fine form ye have for a baby Get av.ay, plaze, Queen Victoria, or wlaatever else ye call yerself,'' Muldoon requested, rather angrily, for both Roger and the keeper were snickering at him. "What will you take for your mash, old man?" Roger asked, in a stage whisper. "She's a darling." "They'd make a nice couple going down Broadway,'' ab sently said the keeper. "If he ever took her to the circus, he need only pay for one," yelled Roger; "she could pass in as an animal." Muldoon fidgeted, and tried to shake off the demented woman. But she positively refused to be shook. She clasped Muldoon in her arms. "Kiss me, baby,'' she smiled, looking up into his face. "Kiss her, you cold-hearted deceiver," laughed Roger. "Win 'her young heart, you old reptile, and then won't kiss her!" "Plaze let go av me!" yelled Muldoon. "Never!" said the crazy woman. "But I have the itch!" "'I will never leave you, Charlie. "Be Heavens, I have the small-pox! Ye will catch it!" The unfortunate only shook her head. "No-no, my dear,'' she persisted. "Will some one plaze to accidentally kill the puzzle!" gasped Muldoon. "You know she's your girl," said Roger. "Ain't he, Susan?" The crazy woman laughed assent. "He promised to marry me," said she. "Of course you did, you old lizard! Said that you'd buy her a fifth floor in a tenement house, and have all your wife's re lations forage on you," went on Roger. He enjoyed the joke hugely. So did the keeper. Not so Muldoon. He did his best to gently separate his new-found adoress from him. But she wouldn't go. She hung onto him with the tenacity of brown paper to taffy. "Oh, take her off and marry her!" kept on Roger. "Treat her square!" Muldoon got purple. "Roger O'Malley, yez are too funny to five; yez should play trick-elephant in a circus!" he roared. Bedad, if somebody don't remove the lunatic from me, I'll butcher her an' set fire to the whole cabin!" The keeper saw that the joke had been carried far enough By a gentle exertion of authority he dragged the woman away. "But he's my darling!" she said, piteously. "That's all right," said the with a wink. "Will he come back?" "Right away. "Will he bring me some flowers?" "Be Heavens, I will bring yez a hot-house on wheels-if ye will only lave me!" promised Muldoon. She moved toward the door "By-by!" she cried kissing her hand to him. "Do-do! tra la lee! over the gutter! jump the sewer!" volu bly rattled Muldoon, as she finally disappeared. After several jokes at the Solid Man's expense, Roger proposed going back to look after the alderman. Muldoon acquiesced On the way back they passed through the yard again. Muldoon lagged in the rear to take a chew of tobacco. Suddenly a hand touched him on the shoulder. He fairly shivered with fear. "Whorra-whorra! I bet six dollars to a brass monkey that it's that crazy fairy come back to me again,'' he half uttered. He would have lost his bet, for it was not the insane woman. It was a gentlemanly appearing person, dressed very nicely with a sharp, acute face. He wore a stylish silk hat and twirled a gold-headed cane in his hand. "Been looking at the 11inatics?" he suavely asked Muldoon confessed to the impeachment. "Poor things, I pity them, continued the other; "I would not be insane for a good deal." "Are you connected wid the institution?" Muldoon asked. "Visiting it-ah, yes, viliiting it. I have a great-great-grandfather here, a nephew of Oliver Cromwell. He' s crazy as a loon. Thinks he is a spittoon. You would positively do him a great favor if you should spit on him. Poor man, it's sad. "I should say so, sur." "By the way, do you know my name?" "No, sur." "I'd give you one of my cards only I lent them all to Van derbilt. He wanted them to sew onto his overcoat. I'm Jay Gculd; maybe you've heard of me?" Muldoon had. He expressed ,his great pleasure at meeting the celebrated financier and shrewd Wall street magnate-or trickster. "Much as I could do to get away from the Street,'' affably said Mr. Gould, "but I had to come up and see my poor uncle -and to let out a little secret, I wanted to think over a little speculation." "Indade,'' said Muldoon. "Fact, I assure you. There is a lot of us going into it. Tom Scott, Senator Jones, Vanderbilt, O'Brien and Pharaoh. Beg man, Pharaoh." "Bedad, I thought Pharaoh was drowned in the Grane Say." "Mistake, sir, mistake. He got out again. He is the master spirit of our enterprise." Here Mr. Gould stopped and looked earnestly at Muldoon. "You appear to be honest,'' he said. "Never a Muldoon that wur otherwise, excepting a few that wur hung," answered Muldoon. "I don't mind telling you our scheme. You won't divulge it?" "On me honor.' Mr. Gould took Muldoon by the collar and placed his (Gould's) mouth to his ear. "Jackasses!" he whispered. "What?" "Jackasses; it's the most gigantic project in the world; there's money in it." "Faix, I fale to perceive anything in jackasses except diviltry.'' "I'll tell you. We own at present sixteen million jackasses. We buy up every horse in the United States. People must ride

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THE OF TERRENCE MULDOON. 21' -we give them our jackasses, and command our own prices. See?" Muldoon attempted to. While he was trying to get the scheme in all its grandeur through his brain, James, the keeper, came back after him. James plainly did not know Mr. Gould. For he said, rather roughly: "Her.e, you, Dobson, go back to your room." Muldoon was horrified. He took James aside "Are yez crazy, ye fool!" whispered he. "That is Jay Gould. Begorra, he has a terrific pull; his political influence is gigan tic. He will have yez sacked." "Who's Jay Gould?" asked James. "The jintleman. ye addressed." "Not much." "He told me so ." "Probably. His name is Dobson, and he is about the crazi est ma:'l here." "Yez are looney, yersel.f. Shure, he let me into the secret of a big scheme." "Jackasses?" "How in St. Patrick did ye conjecture?" "Easy," laughed James; "that is his mania. He imagines he is Jay Gould. He fools most everybody by his sober speech and quiet demeanor. He'll give himself away in a minute.'" Sure enough, the self-imagined Jay Gould did. He shook hands hurriedly with Muldoon CHAPTER IX. The great deference paid to Alderman O'Malley on the oc casion of the lunatic asylum i'nvestigation, awakened feelings of envy in Muldoon's mind. He desired to be a great man. He pined to be an alderman and with the aldermen stand. He confided his aspirations to Roger. "Do yez know what I desire to become, Roger?" asked he. "Give it up," replied Roger. "Well, guess?" "A gorilla?" "Faix, I am near enough to wan now. But I will confide on ye, Roger. Am I not a popular man wid the gang?" "Terribly. You haven't been hit with a brick more than six times this week on the street." "Thin I wur not hit on the strate but on me head." "Tremendous intellect!" sighed Roger. "Now, I am a good, sober citizen, continued Muldoon; "shure, I niver come home dhrunk." "You're right, old man. The police always get a hold of you before you have a chance to get home." "Be aisy, Roger. I will diverge to yez a saycret. intend to run for alderman." "For what?" "Alderman. I have a splendid faygur for wan, an' me pose would be majestic." "Well, if you run for alderman I'll run my grandmother's Good-by," said he, "really you must excuse me, but I have monkey for senator," retorted Roger. But neither satire nor advice could persuade Muldoon out of a very important engagement with Potiphar and O'Leary, rel-the idea. ative to building an elevated railroad to the moon. Big thing -money in it-lots." And off he hurried. Muldoon looked after him with a look of bewilderment. "Ye z can slug me wid a sponge po4," he said, "if I didn' t think that lunatic wur in his head. Soon they got back to the room where they had lunched. "I'll ask somebody else about it," he said. That night he went down to a near-by prayer-meeting, where there was a big bar and a free lunch. There he met Major Gusher. The major was a seedy old bum, who claimed to have fought in the Revolution, and in every war since. In his own esti mation the major was a great man. The alderman was snoring soundly. He was a politician, too. Dr. Pangburn was writing. To him Muldoon confided his intention of becoming a can-He looked up as they entered, and smiled a smooth, oily didate. smile. "The alderman still slumbers," he said; "exhausted nature demands recuperation." "A wet towel would be more sinsible; shure, he'll have a head on him to-morrow rooming loike a barrel," said Muldoon "And I have just written out a little report of this visit for him; his sentiments exactly," continued the doctor. "You see, he might not feel like writing it .>ut to-morrow morning; will you see that he signs it, my boy?" and by some means a bill quietly slid into Roger's hand. "You bet," emphatically responded Roger, his fingers closing over the bill. He also took the report. "Wake up, dad!" he yelled at the worthy alderman. O Malley slowly staggered to his feet; he looked somewhat doggedly about, and seemed to forget his whereabouts. "Where am I?" he asked. "In your shirt, probably,'' laughed Roger. "Me b ye, yez had better tie a rope your head to pre vent your brains bursting out," replied O'Malley, almost over the effects of the champagne, and puttbg on an awful amount of dignity. "Gentlemen, we have inspected the asylum, have wo not?" "Yes, sir," obsequiously answered the doctor. "Thin, in behalf av the Board of Aldermen av the city av New York, I pronounce the asylum all right, and the sucker that says otherwise Is a dommed liar! Mf.sther Muldoon, if vez will call for a train av cars we will go home!" The major thought that it was a grand .and mighty idea. "You're just the man we want,'' he cried, slapping Muldoon on the back; "it will sound grand: 'Muldoon and Liberty!' 'Muldoon, the People's Favorite!' 'Muldoon, the Workingman's Friend!' Come right upstairs and I will introduce you to a club that will nominate you." Do what?" "Nominate you." "Does it hurt?" With a grin the major explained the meaning of the word. "I conjecthured that it was a sort av French boxing match," rep1ied Muldoon. "Lade on I follow yez, as Gineral Muldoon remarked to the blaggard av a sheriff that hung him for shape staling." The major led the way to a room upstairs. In it were about twenty gentlemen in chairs, and one gentleman with spectacles at a desk. The majo,r advanced to this last gentleman. "How are yez, Misther Gusher,'' said he. "I am lofty, sir-lofty,'' answered the major, with dignity. "Mlster Muldoon, allow me to introduce you to Senator McGrogan." "Is he a rale senator?" whispered Muldoon. "He represented Weehawken in the Sixty-ninth Congress," replied major. "He is a B. G." "What is that?" "A Big Gun. He has a terrible pull." "Senator, I am happy to meet you,'' said Muldoon. The senator bowed his acknowledgments.

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./ THE TROUBLES OF TERRENCE MULDOON. "Members av the Casey Social Club," said the senator, "this "The beer," whispered Major Gusher. ::ls Misther Muldoon." "Will yez kindly sind a flotilla afther a brig of beer?" re-The club arose and bowed with the unanimity of a flock of quested Muldoon. turkeys. The president thumped loudly on the floor with-:a chair. 'l'he major whispered a few words into the senator's ear. A trapdoor in the centre of the room slowly uplifted, and a "After we transact the regular routine business we will atbig-nosed Dutchman appeared. tend to it," replied the senator. "Mr. Looseclothes, will yez "Vot is it?" he asked give Mr. Muldoon a sate on the Turkish lounge?" "Yez will please bring up a keg av Milwaukee," said the "Shure, a Persian rug will do," affably said Muldoon. president of the club; "Ye will sit on a cracker box," growled Mr. Looseclothes, as "Vot?" he dragged out the article in question. "Convey up a hogshead av Hoboken," loftily added Muldoon. Muldo o n sat down without a smile. The Dutchman slowly pulled dOJVD the lid of his eye. "Be Heavens," resolved he, "if I get eiected alderman me "Vos there any green dere?" he requested. "Yer can't blay first act will be to sind that divil av a Looseclothes down to it again." the bottom av the East River to investigate the Brooklyn "What are yez giving me?" asked Muldoon. Bridge wid a cannon-ball on each av his legs." "Dis groud of pummers day owe me for ein-zwei-drei The president of the Casey Social Club proceeded to call kegs of beer already," said he. "Ven I axed dem to bay for id, the roll. dey said dat dey vould-de Fourth of Vasl:ington's birthday." It ran something as follows: "But I want the beer meself." "Mr. Hackensack, Assemblyman Pancake, Dionysins Tape worm, Congressman Lush, Peter Fly, General Doublebreast, Patrick Recent, William Sarsfield Glue, Levi Moses O'Brien, Captain Two Dollar Tommy, George Sweeton, Mike the Biter," etc. At last it was finished. The president turned to his official record. "I find that Patrick Montague owes this association three dollars-where is he" "On the island," piped a voice. "Timmy Burns, the spieler, is also in our debt." "Timmy _just got ten days," answered a second voice. The president shut his book; with a bang. "If this kapes on," said he, "there will be no necessitation 1 'for a club-room. The whole association will meet at the Isle de Blackwell." Major Gusher whispered again into the president's ear. That gentleman stood up into his chair. "Jintlemen and fellow-prisoners," he. began, "we are about to enter into a political campaign av magnitudenous impor tance. In this ward we want an alderman. Who shall we select?" Mr. Looseclothes got onto his feet. "I nOIJ?.inate Misther Isaiah Guttenberg." The president gazed at him in contempt. "'Because yez owe him siventy-five cints for the robin-red-breast coat that yez went to the O'Leary Coterie Ball in yez desire to ring in wid him," said he. "Begorra we don't want an Italian for alderman." "That's so!" yelled the club, in general. Mr. Looseclothes sat down, grumbling, and the major arose. "This is an epoch of incomprehensible importance, and rep-rehensible reprehensibility rests upon us in the bestowal of our personality in regard to our acquiescence in--" "Misther Major Gusher," interrupted the president, "will yez plaze purchase a body-ax?" "What for?" asked the astonished major, pausing in his :flight of eloquence. "To chop six or seven syllables off of your language." The major looked slightly annoyed, but he did not retort. Instead, he knocked right down to hard pan. "For alderman I nominate Terrence Muldoon as the choice of the Casey Social Club,'' said he. "I second the motion," said the president, Senator McGrogan. For a while there was a little hesitation. '!'he Social Club looked at their president, and then looked doubtfully at Muldoon. "You vas von of the gang. You gets your peer, und ven I asks you von the money you vill dell me to put id on the slade, und dot you vill come aroundt Christmas und kick id off. Nixey!" The president's face during this revelation was a study. "Mr. Krauseman, come here!" yelled he. Mr. Krauseman obeyed. "What do yez want to give away this corporation for before guests?" asked he. "That. jintleman is a big man." "I ton't care a tam if he vas a schmall von." "He's going to be alderman." "Then I'll never get the pay for mine peer." "But he'll pay ye for it." "Ya.,w; ven sparrows eat saurkraut." "No; now, with money." The Dutchman's face brightened. "Das is all right," he said; "you vill haf de peer in a second." Sure enough a keg soon arrived. It was speedily tapped. The effect of its free circulation was soon seen. Each member of the Caseys got enthusiastic over t.heir nominee, and promised to vote at least eight times for Mui doon. He confirmed their fealty by a present of one hundred dol lars to the club's treasury. About midnight he left-half full. All the club escorted him home. With the exception of four who stopped to kill an Italian peanut peddler, and owing to a corrupt and rotten police fetched up into the station-house. "Where did you pick up the vagabonds that came home with you?" asked Roger, who was sitting up for his uncle. Muldoon posfored very impressively. Muldoon could do that to perfection when he was half full. "They are the salt av the city, Roger,'' said he, "and they have nominated me for alderman. Hinceforth, I am a great gun. If I move me hand this way, Roger, I can trn this table into a nanny goat!" "You'd better turn yourself into a bed,'' Roger laughed, go ing upstairs. Two nights afterward the ward caucus for the nomination of alderman of Tammany Hall was held. The Casey Club, with a barid of music, a liberal display of Chinese lanterns and torches, escorted Muldoon to the hall. It was jammed with delegates from the different districts. "Are they friendly to me?" Muldoon asked. "It don't make a bit of difference; we'll slug them if they "It's all right, boys," whispered the senator, "he'll set up a ain't," said the president. whole keg of beer." The first that occurred was the election of chairman. That settled it. Amidst unroarious applause Muldoon was duly declared to be the choice of the Casey Social Club for alderman. Major Gusher was proposed. "I object," ho-wled a wiry little man; "he's a friend of Muldoon."

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THE TROUBLES O.B' TERRENCE MULDOON. 23 "Who objected?" shouted Mr. Looseclothes of Caseys, who was now a furious partisan of Muldoon. Five dollars had done it. The wiry little man was pointed out. "Sling him through the window," said Mr. Looseclothes. Three of the Caseys had him through the window in a minute. "Anybody else object?" Nobody else did. Major Gusher was installed into the chair without a dis sentient voice. The various delegates next presented their credentials. Somehow every Casey was a delegate from somewhere or an other. It was remarkable how the people had selected them to represent the popular sentiment. The next thing on the programme was nominations for al derman. A gentleman who ran a coat asylum in Chatham street got up. "Py request of the citizens of my district I vant to nominate Misther Isaac Levi. Misther Levi vos a Spaniard, und--" "Slug him!" yelled Jimmy Looseclothes. In an instant somebody hit the proposer of Mr. Levi with a spittoon. He lay right down on the floor, and only about sixteen kicked him out. "Next!" said the major, cheerfully. A square-shouldered, thick-set Irishman named Maloney arose. "We don't want no bloody foreigners," said he. "Thrue for yez," muttered Looseclothes. "We want Americans." "Yez are roight." "Therefore I nominate a jintleman from ould Oirland." "He is a Muldoon man. Heaven protect him." "There!ore I call yez fur to supp-0rt Misther Capulet O'Brien." "Arrah, he's a darty Faynian spy," said Looseclothes in dis gust; "slug him!" It was a chair that stopped Mr. Maloney's speech. He went out of the hall over the baluster. Nothing deterred by the fearful example, a colored citizen next arose. He was a dandy nig. His name was Mike Primrose; he wore lavender pants, a terror of a collar, and had a part chiseled in his wool. "I desire to say a few syllables," he began. "Spit them out," encouraged the major. "Dere are a large cullard element in the ward, an' dey needs representation. Derefo' I respectfully beg to suggest de cog nomen ov Mistah Pompey Romeo fo' de office of alderman." "Holy Moses!" exclaimed Jimmy Looseclothes; "he'll be putting up a haythen Chinese next. Slug the smoked Cuban!" Out of six stools hurled at Mr. Primrose, five hit him. By the time the gang had got him out of the hall and placed him in the gutter outside, his glory had :tied. His lavender pants were now busted to bits, and his collar was all broke up. Truly he was as disgusted a negro as ever went in or went out of politics. Senator McGrogan, after Mr. Pri!'.Ilrose's lightning exit, took the floor. He was greeted with terrific applause. "Gentlemen," he commenced, "there are times when we de mand reform and honesty in our public men. What we want is a candidate whose name shall be a symbol of an al legory of virtue; jintlemen, whom shall we select? Whom better than our esteemed friend an' fellow-patriot, Mr. Ter rence Muldoon?" There was a whirlwind of applause Hats flew into the air, and the Caseys shouted themselves hoarse with enthusiasm. "Speech-speech!" yelled they. "Bejabers, I can't make a cpache!" faltered Muldoon. "I niver made wan in me loife." "Yes, you did," put in Roger, who had just arrived and got into the hall by swearing that he was a delegate from Portugal. "Where was it?" "In court." "What did I say?" "Not guilty." A laugh followed, in which Muldoon did not join. But he determined to show Roger that he could make a speech. A table was hastily pushed forward, and he climbed upon it. "Gentlemen," said he, "I am so highly related by the unex pected honor, that I hardly know where to begin." "Begin in the middle and go both ways," yelled a fresh Casey, who was immediately knocked apart by Mr. Loose cloth1Js as a reward for his humor. "If I am elected," Muldoon went on, "be Heavens! every thing will be different. Shure, ivery man needn't work at all if he don't want to. [Applause.] Bedad, we'll pay him seventy dollars a day for drawing his salary. [Uproarious applause.] Ivery b'y av yez shall have a sinecure in the City Hall, watch ing to that the wind don't blow the clock off." By this time the Caseys had got tired of Muldoon's speech One of them knocked off his hat. A second flung a glass of water at him. .A third put pie on his coat tail, and then kicked him. "Begob roared Muldoon, "is this the way to trate a can di date? Let me down till I foight the crowd!" "We don't want to treat the candidate, we want the candi date t-.> treat us," gently insinuated Mr. Looseclothes. Muldoon "tumbled" to the racket. Drinks were speedily ordered, and the meeting broke up into a grand old hurrah. Next morning Muldoon came down to breakfast with a head on him, but elevated, nevertheless. "Did you see me nominated last night, Roger?" asked he. "I saw you come home in an express wagon;" quietly said Roger. "That has nothing to do wid the question," pompously said Muldoon; "hand me this morning's paper, Roger." Roger obeyed. Muldoon took the sheet. He began reading it. As he read on his face was a study. First perplexity, then anger, then fury, then blind madness. Finally he jumped up, and dashed down the paper. "Bring me a park av artillery!" he shouted. "What?" echoed Roger. "Bring me a rigiment av robbers!" "Hey?" "Borry a rifled battery an' a bowie knife!" "What for?" "Roger O'Malley, did I ever murdher me parent wid char coal?" "Not as I know of." "Did I iver sthrip me little sister naked an' hang her out av the front windy by her fate?" "I don't know, uncle." "Well, I niver did. Rade the lies in this divil's own blag gard, bloody newspaper." Roger picked up the paper. On the front page was a column, headed: "Another Political Outrage! Moon-eyed Muldoon Noml nated for Alderman by a Gang of Sluggers!" Beneath it was several paragraphs relative to the ward meet ing of the night before. One of them read:

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24 THE TR.OUBLES OF TERRENCE MULDOON. "Of Muldoon, the candidate of this corrupt crowd, the less said the better. He is simply a tough, illiterate, low-bred loafer. His character is stained with crime. On reliable in formation w.e can state that he stifled both of his parents with charcoal in an air-tight room, simply to get possession of a few dollars. Owing to this crime, he fled Ireland. It is also notorious that one night while in his chronic condition of beastly intoxication, he stripped his sister naked and hung her out of a front window of his house by her feet. It is a man of such atrocious reputation that we would have foretold would have been the choice of the opposition." "There," gasped Muldoon, "what do you think of it?" "Oh, it's only a song and dance," laughed Roger. "What's that?" One morning he sat in his study-he had got a small room, with five bottles of whisky, a box of cigars, a table and pen and ink, which he called a study-trying his best to compose a campaign document to the free and intelligent voters of his district. Presently the sound of a brass band broke in upon his meditations. "For Heaven's sake, Roger, what is that-a thrained bear, or a rigiment of artillery?" he shouted. "Target company," replied Roger, looking out of the window. "Shoot them!" "They are coming down our street." "Hang a flag out, an' tell them that we have the yellow fever ." "Taffy.'' "I bet they're going to stop here," faid Roger, from the "Be Heavens, I should say that it wur rock candy. What do window. they blaggard me like that for?" "Run out an' put crape on the door. Remark that I am "It's the custom." dead," pleaded Mu.ldoon "Faix, I think that it would be an equally good custom to But the music grew louder and louder and louder. go down to the office an' shoot the Tommy that wrote it." Presently it stopped. "Wouldn't do any good. That's just what they want." "Has the bass drum blown up an' kilt the whole squadron?" Muldoon shook his head. He could hardly see the logic of asked Muldoon, a hopeful expressi0n on his face. the thing. "Nixy.'' He send out for a second paper. That, too, happened to be "What thin?" in the interest of Muldoon's opponents. "They've stopped in the front of the house. They're form-That also had an article. ing into line." It was headed in big type: "What for?" "A Gas House Terrier up for Office in the 23d Ward. Mon key Muldoon for Alderman." This article was just a little persenal. It said: "Monkey Muldoon is a villain, who at the present time should be incarcerated in Si'ng Sing. The facts attending his murder of an inoffensiv e Italian on a truck in James Alley are too well known to be repeated here. Perhaps, though, some are not aware that he is now under bail for knocking down a respectable old lady at Fort Wayne, and stealing her hoopskirt!" "I will be dammed if I'll stand it!" shouted Muldoon. "Fust they say I am moon-eyed then they call me a monkey. Be Heavens, I will have blood!" "You've got to get used to it," said Roger. "Used to being called darty names?' "Of course; every phblic man is always so blackguarded." "Whirra-whirra!" said Muldoon; "if this is the way they "Guess they'll give you a serenade." "Thin you may step around to the morgue an' ordher a re served slab for me. If hey intend serenading me wid that sheet-iron band, I'll nade it!" Roger's conjecture was true. The target company formed into line. At least _they hon estly supposed it was a line But it looked more like a rail fence on a drunk than any-thing else. The band struck up. One of the popular melodies of the day. 'Grandfather's Clock,' begorra!" gasped Muldoon. "The people av Ameriky ought to club in an' purchase him a watch. Arrah, it is an edicated band. Next they will be playing 'Nancy Lee'-that is, when I die." "Grandfather's Clock" at last ran down-"it stopped short." A sound of vigorous hurrahing followed. "Are they taken wid fits?" Muldoon queried. "No; they're hurrahing.'' "What for-the segars ?" "No, for you." Muldoon brightened up. "See what it is to be populous wid the masses," he remarked. "Would yez listen to their enthusiasm?" reflect on me karacter whin I am only running for alderman, it is a blissid mercy that I am not a candidate for Congress." Sure enough, shouts of "M u1doon! Muldoon!" were rending av the air. "Why?" "Shure, theyd av swore that I wur the half-brother Pontius Pilate an' a niece av Benedict Arnold's. "They want to see you," said Roger. "Go out on the balCHAPTER X. Muldoon soon found out that the path of the candidate, in New York, is not covered with roses. Rather, it is bestrewn with rocks. Muldoon had a club named after him; it only cost him two hundred dollars. Every member of the Caseys was working earnestly in his behalf, so t}\ey said. Ten dollars a day was what they valued their services at. He got thousands of begging letters, every writer of which prom ised faithfully to work for him and vote for him if he wculd only reply to their appeals. On the whole, poor Muldoon was nearly worried to death. cony and give them a song and dance." "Do yez take me for a nagur comedian?" "Oh, I mean taffy they up a little. Sling them a breeze." "Begob, I will," said Muldoon. He went out on the piazza-balcony we mean. He was uproariously received. "Hurrah for Muldoon, the pet of the people!" howled the captain of the company, a six-foot bandit, wh,o had a sword for the first time in his life, and was visibly afraid of it The hurrah was given with a will. Muldoon bowed his thanks. The captain approached the balcony. "Have yez got yer prize, old man?" said he. "What prize? Muldoon answered, mterrogatively. "Our prize for us to shoot for? What d'ye 'spose we're whooping 'round yer shanty for if it ain't a prize? Sling out a good one, too.''

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THE TROUBLBS OF TERRENCE MULDOON. 25 "I ain't got no prize." a kid. Give us a prize, or we'll all vote for Mul-cahy, de bloat dat's running 'gainst yer. Savvy?' Muldoon did "savvy." "Have yez a tin-plated hat-rack, Roger?" whispered he. ''Nary.'' "Or a solid brick castor wid wine bottles in it?" "Nix." "Thin what will I do? The divils want a prize. I've a good moind to give them you if they can guess what it is." "Come, hurry up wid yer prize," interrupted the captain; "we've got ter git over ter Flatbush." "What shall I give them?" falter. ed Muldoon to his nephew. "Give them the front stoop!" grinned Roger. "Ye are too comical." "Tie the back yard up and let them carry it off!" Muldoon put on one of his most crushing looks. room to give 1t here; it would paralyze all of our readers most f:iuccessfully. Consequently Muldoon felt quite proud. He and Roger sat down to an early supper. "What is the collation to-night, Roger?" said he. "Corned beef!" was Roger's reply. "What else?" "Cabbage." "Fwhat are the entrees, Roger?" "Mashed potatoes." Muldoon struck the table vigorously with the handle of his knife. "That is a fotne lay-out for an alderman, ain't it?" he re marked, reproachfully. "Whin I am elected, begorra, I'll have sponge-cake an' ice-crame and poi-or I'll have nothing." "All right," laughed Roger, "when you're elected we'll have giraffe stew and fried bricks. Can I help you to some corned "Your intellect is too copious; ye have too scintillating an beef?" imagination," he said. "Are yer goin' ter give us anything or not?" demanded the captain; ; "if ye are, hurry. Don't chuck 11s any brass coffee pots or brass lockets. Give us something reckless. I went an' slugged a duffer last night that said yer were an iconoclast." "A what?" "An iconoclast." "Has it wings?" "I give it up. Blazed if I know what it was." Muldoon took some corned beef. While he was eating and making obnoxious remarks about its old age and toughness, the servant girl entered. "Some men to see ye, Misther Muldoon," said she. "Who are they?" "Shure, I don't know." "Ax them for their cards." "I did." "What did they say?" "Ye're a gentleman," said Muldoon, fervidly; "shure, if I "The biggest man said that the only card he had was the had been there meself, I would have butchered the liar. It is Jack av Clubs." a foine karacter I am obtaining in politics. First I war moon"Show them in," groaned Muldoon. eyed an' now I am an iconaclast. Nixt they will be calling "Probably somebody has named a regatta afther me, an' me a member av the Young Men's Kerosene Association, an' wants money enough to nuy wather to sail it in." then I am ruint foriver." In obedience the visitors filed in. "But the prize?" They were a nice-looking set. "Here," and Muldoon pushed a fifty-dollar note into the About as choice a lot of abandoned buccaneers as ever ap-peared off of t:p.e stage. captain's itching palm. "You are a thoroughbre
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( 26 THE TROUBLES Oli' TERRENCE MULDOON. "Faix, as I am not on top of a roof or a stepladder, I am unabk to come down." The captain seemed to entertain suspicions that Muldoon was a sort of amiable lunatic. "So yer won't give us any ro cks?" he aske d "Begorra! I don t even own a cobble-stone barrin' a rock. Do ye z take m e for a quarry?" replie d Muldoon, willfully mis understan ding. You r e a pretty pill for an alderman," s cornfully said the lead e r of the "Fairies." You won t give us any money to help us along! "I'll be domme d if I will!" The captain brought his club down on the table with a whack. You don't git one of our votes," he says. "Let's clear out the place!" "Hit the tarrier with a slung-shot! "Kick the table over!" "Slug the Tipperary miser!" Such were a few of the suggestions offered by his gentle followers. Muldoon began to get scared. "There is murdher in their eyes, an' massacree in their gesture," he said. It seemed so. 'l'he "Fairy" captain had already kicked the stuffing out of the sofa, and was apparently preparing to dislocate the rest of the furniture when Muldoon interfere d "Are yez Muldoon men?" asked h e "Ivery one of us," replied one of t he crowd, with a wink. "Yez will vote for me if I help yez along to paralyze England? "Six time s apiece!" At 11 A lli. the major rushed in with. .i woebegone expres-sion of fac e. "We are ruined!" said he. "What!" yelled Muldoon. "It is so. The opposition have got eve r y man of the Casey Social Club blind drunk, and got them locked up in a cellar. They wo n t let them out till after election." "What will we do?" "I give it up. I have imported a delegation of niggers from Thompson street, but the whole lot of the m have already vote d at every polling place in the ward for you." "Can't yez borry a few Italians? "I have, and six Chinese, too. The Cas eys are a great lo s s." Muldoon was at once plunge d into the d epths of d espair. "Have a bucket av prussic acid ready, Roger," s a i d he. "If I don't get elected I will commit suicide if it kills me!" "Brace up," advised Roge r, who had stolen every a s h barre l in the ward to make election bonfires with, and, consequently, was happy. "Go down to the polls and vote yourself." Muldoon d,id. He came back in a tearing passion. "There were a sucker down there that challenged me vote," he said. "Did he?" Roger drawled. "Yis; h e said 'animals were not allowed to vote.' He called me a terrier gorilla." "What did you say?" "Nothing-but Roger--" "Well? "There was a friend of mine, M cGlinty Columbus, the prize fighter. He 'up wid his fist an' the sucker 'went home on three diff erent shutters. While they w ere fighting I stuffed the balMuldoon di s covered twenty dollars somewhere about him-lotbox wid sixty tickets." self, and handed it over. "For yerself?" "Y e r will make an aldherman that we' ll be proud of," said the captain. "We'll el ec t you, old man rocks. Y e r can b e t yer lung!" chorused the rest of the visitors oer:thusiasti c ally. The n they file d out: S e v eral thing s w ent with them. i;mall portable artic l e s in the room In fac t, about all of the "It wur a m e r c y that the front door is stuc k on tight, they'd a c ai-ri e d that off for a home base," sighe d Muldoon. "A nice crowd of supporters you have!" s n eered Roger. Muldoon took up a potato on the end of his fork. or "Roge r, said he, p eeling the potato, "let me relate to yez a maxim." "Undo it." "Ameriky is a free counthry." "There is a popular ghos t story to that effect "Ivery man is as good a s any othe r man. "What of it?" "Those fello w s' votes are jis t a s good to me as if they wore pink tights an' dre w up to the d oor in a red-wheeled barouche. Do you moind it?" Muldoon's furthe r political experie n ce s w ere sunshiny. H e was running i n a iltrong D e mo cratic ward, had the in dorsement of Tammany, and his oppon ent was a m a n too g e n t ee l to be appreciated by the rough-andr eady voters of the distric t. The r e for e Muldoon had a c l ear p ath to succ ess. For about three weeks h e rus h e d about with scarcely any r es t making a speec h h ere, h elping raise a banner the re, goir. g along with a target company a s an invited g u e st, and set ting the m up" i n all the rum mills in town for the benefit or the "boys." At last e l ection arrived. Muldoon was as n ervous as could be. Be did not go to the polls in p e rson. Major Gusher was the l eading spirit in his canvass. "Would yez b e lieve it, Roger, wid the divil' s luc k I got hold av the wrong tickets. ?e H e avens! I have put in sixty for m e apponen t bad c ess to his sow!! Roge r could not, to save his soul h elp laughing. It was Muldoon all ov e r. Nobody but lie could have made suc h a bril-liant mistake. Toward night matters grew brighte r The C a s eys suec ee d e d in e scaping, and vote d to a man for Muldoon Muldoon thoug h, was l eft in the dark con cerning matters. All of his faithf ul h e n chme n, including Gu s h e r w e r e either gloriously tight or in the station-hous e Muldoon waite d impatiently for an extra. Pre s ently he detec t e d the howl of a newsboy in the air. He rushe d frantically out. "Extra-extra!" h e s c r e amed. The boy r esponded. H e kne w Muldoon. "Extra, old fir eworks?" asked he. Muldoon w a s too muc h excited to notice the disrespectful mod e of salutation. "What is the extra about, me boy?" &S'ked he, with his h abitual caution. "Big n ews. "What is it?" "It's t errible!" "What' s terrible?" "The n e w s ." "We ll f ,;,hat is it?" "Mary Ann Fresh stabbed h erself with a cooking stove." "If I had a club I'd paraly z e y ez!" y elled Muldoon, "coming a r ound h e r e a deaf ening d acent folk wid y e r taffy a bo u t Mary Ann Fres h stabbing h e rself wid a cooking stove. Shure, I don't care if she shot h e r self wid a range." "Political n ews, too grinned the boy "Arrah, now y e is recovering your sinses. What is it?" "What 's what?" "The political news."

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THE TROUBLES OF TERRENCE MULDOON. 27 "It's about Muldoon." I on top of a small one-storied blacksmith shop, spouting poll "What about him?" tics to a flock of paralyzed doves As for Jimmy Looseclothes. "He' s defeated by a majority of six millions." he was down in a d ark alley boxing vigorousiy with an ash "For the love of St. Patrick, give me a paper," gasped the barrel which he insisted had tripped him up and jumped on Solid Man, flinging down a dime. him. The boy clutched it eagerly, and shoved a paper into MuiMuldoon was in an oh-be-joyful state of rum exhilaration. doon's extended hand. He wanted somebody to tie a string to him and let him play Muldoon was not over half an hour looking at it. monkey-wanted to waltz down the street with sleigh bells on On the first page, in big type, was the heading: and get hit by a brick. So he concluded to have a quiet Fourth of July all by him POLITICAL NEWS! self. MULDOON ELECTED! RIGHT TRIUMPHS! 5 ,000 MAJORITY FOR MULDOON! S C E N E S AT THE POLLS. ETC., TilTC." Muldoon felt like Cresar may have felt when he was offered the royal crown. He waltzed into the house, actually and really waltzed. Got 'em again," sighed Roger; "he thinks he's a-top." "Roger, bawled Muldoon, "go out to the blacksmith's shop and bring me in a tin-dollar saygar. "What?" "Purchase m e a ci stern of whisky. Give me five dollars in pennies, till I throw them out av the windy. Whoop! 'She' s a darling-she's a daisy; She' s a dumpling-she' s a lamb; You should hear her play On the pi-an-a; Such an educated hen is me Mary Ann.' And Muldoon glided wildly around the room, and polkaed with a chair. Roger looked at him in complete astonishment. "He'! clear off of his cabase," he muttered; "maybe I'd better get a rope and tie him fast.". "Whoop!" howled Muldoon, slamming down the chair, and breaking into a wild Irish jig "Light up the chateau. Put a bonfire in every windy-burn up the front airy, if ye desire. Roger-Roger, me bye!" "What is it?" "I am elected!" "What?" "Yls, by fifty-five million majority. Howly Vargin, but I am a solid man now. I have an order to stop the Mississippi river from running.'' "Let me congratulate you," said Roger, extending his hand, for he was sincerely glad of his uncle's success. In his haste he knocked a small card table over and smashed it.. "Never mind," said Muldoon, taking his nephew's hand in a hearty clasp; "now that I am a n .alderman we'll have the house furnished over. Be Heavens, Roger, we'll have pink satin chairs in !very apartment, and a parlor organ in the bath-room. Whoop-hurrah! Three cheers for Alderman Muldoon, ye you divil!" CHAPTER XI. It was no use of talking, Muldoon was highly elated over his election. So much so, that he tipped a little too much. He went out with a party of frie' nds, including Gusher and Jimmy Looseclothes. They made a grand inspection of all the liquor saloons in the ward. The result was frequent fits of despair. At about 1 o'clock Muldoon found himself alone. He had survived all of his companions. Gusher he had left His first attempt at fun was to fire a cobble-stone through the window of a respectable dwelling. Out popped a night-capped head. "What in blank blankness is the matter?" savagely it demanded. "Ter'ble day for zer race," stammered Muldoon. "What race?" angrily the head asked. "Human race!" yelled Muldoon, with a burst of idiotic laughter. "Whoop, old man, caught yez ag'in!" The head disappeared to reappear with a big horse-pistol. "You drunken fool, if you don't scoot out of here in five minutes I'll put a bullet through you," said the pistol's owner. Muldoon staggered off. "I' m alderman of zis district, and he Heaven! I will change that sucker into a tape-wurum he muttered. Then he commenced kicking ash barrels over. A policeman interfered. "Stop that! he yelled. By way of obedience, Muldoon kicked two over. "Will you cheese that?" howled the policeman Muldoon's only reply was a iordly wave of the hand and the raising of a soap box with his foot. The policeman crossed the street and grabbed Muldoon by thP. shoulder. .. "Drop on thftt," ordered he. "Do yez know my individuality?" asked Muldoon. "I know you'll get a good clubbing if you don't stop," said the peeler. "I am Terrence "I dont care if youre Jakey Codfish, you've got to move on.'4 "Beware," said Muldoon, solemnly, "I am black-hearted." "What?" "I'm bad to the bone." "Oh, cheese it!" "Whin I hit, death immediately pursues." 'l'he peeler took Muldoon by the collar, and endeavored to drag him to the station-house. Muldoon didn't see it. He hauled off and presented the cop with a dexterous blow under the ear. The policeman tumbled like a log. "Begorra, I'm the bye for reorganizing the perlice," shouted Muldoon, as he swaggered along, continuing his pleasant sport of upsetting ash barrels, varying the monotony of the thing occasionally by ringing door bells and humorously yelling "fire." Presently he heard the sound of rapid footsteI!S behind him. He looked around. The policeman who had accosted him, and vrhom he had lmocked down, was pursuing him. But not alone. He had a second officer with him. Muldoon's first impulse was to stand still and fight. "Shure, I can lick the whole perlice force av the city an' Flatbush in the bargain," he said. "It is meself that is a terror.'' Second thought, though, told him that to do so would be apt to result disastrously for himself. The police might not be agreeable. They might object to getting licked and lick him. "I belave I'll get upon the roof av me chateau an' heave the

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... 28 THE THOUBLES OF TERRENCE MULDOON. chimney at them, one brick at, a toime," he reconsidered. "Here is me house now." It wasn't. It was the house m ;xt door. Muldoon, though, didn't know the difference. He> stumbled up the steps. Two stone dogs guarded the door, being put there for orna ments, as is the custom in some houses in New York. Muldoon couldn't tell whether they were stone or putty. He took them for real dogs. "Begorra, the city is in a fearful state, when I find dogs on me porch. Next I expect to encounter giraffes on aich windy sill. I wondher would they bite?" grumbled he. He tried persuasion first. "Pretty dogs, iligant purps, will yez kindly evacuate?" asked he. The dogs did not move. "Will yez skip the gutter, yez beautiful kiyoodies ?" The dogs still maintained their positio. n. The policeme n were rapidly approaching. He was in a dilemma. Before him, dogs, and possibly, hydrophobia; behind him, He raised the window and threw out the dress and hoop-skirt. As he did so he brushed something off of the window-sill. He stooped and picked it up. It was a rubber rattle. "It is not Vassar College, it is a foundling asylum for dis tressed widdys," murmured he, surveying the rattle; "probably I will find a monkey on a stick in me shaving cup, and a ring to cut me gums on in the bureau drawer. I belave I have got the jim-jams. How many fingers have I? If I see twenty I will send out for a docther." Muldoon carefully held up his hands. Carefully he counted his fingers. "Eight fingers and two thumbs. I am all right," he said, with a sigh of relief. He took off his coat. "I belave I shall retire to bed." Undressing with the exception of his boots-he forgot all about them-he started to go to bed He reached it. He cast one look at it, and started back in consternation. A man and woman and three small children were quietly snoozing away therein. policemen, and, probably, a station-house, and ten dollars firie. "Av all the gilt-edged cheeks, this takes the cake!" gasped He gathered up all of his courage. he. "Five in me bed!" "I'll kick the d ogs if they bite me fut off," resolved he. The audacity of the proceeding seemed to paralyze Muldoon He swung his foot. for a while. And gave those stone dogs a kick which, had they been alive, He stood as still as a statue, and glared at them. would have knocked them inside out. "I've got the divil av a moind to set fire to the quilt, and sea Being stone dogs, it did not affect them for a cent. them singe," was his first thought. It did Muldoon, though. -But a better idea came to his relief. He clasped his foot in his hand and hopped around in perfect agony. "Those dommed dogs have been banqueting on rocks!" he shrieked, as he rushed by them. "I suppose our back yard will be full of iron-ating cats that yez can't kill wid nothing. short av a stame sleigh-hammer." He drew out his night-key. Hurriedly he inserted it into the lock. The row of houses in which MuJdoon lived were all similar and provided with the same locks. Therefore Muldoon's key fitted his neighbor's latch just as good as it did his own. He dodged in. The two policemen were at his heels. "Stop!" yelled one. "Do yez take me for 'Grandfather's Clock?'" howled back Muldoon; dashi'ng upstairs; "I niver stop." At the head of the stairs he fell over a cradle. He picked himself up and looked at it in astonishment "Phat in the divil is a cradle doing here?" he reflected "Roger couldn't have been buying himself a wax doll to play wid. Perhaps it is a birthday prisent to meself. I'll be after "I'll paralyze the suckers wid fright," grinned he. He had a revolver in his pocket-one of these patent re volvers that are warranted to hit anything that they are not aimed at. He pulled it out, and deliberately .shot the whole seven bar-rels at the sleepers. He hit everything else in the room except the sleepers. For one of the cartridges burst, a\ld nearly blinded him. Including himself. The noise of the revolver, however, produced one effect. It effectually woke up the slumberers in the bed. Thy all tumbled out in alarm. "Robbers!" shrieked the woman, catching sight of Muldoon. "Murder!" yelled the man, making a dive for some hidingplace, while the children yelled in all the different keys. "'I'll slaughter the gang!" Muldoon howled, by way of assur ing them, as he waved his pistol wildly around. "Police!" called out the woman, rushing behind the head board of the becl, where the man followed ller. As for the children, they dived nnder the bed and screamed shrilly. The noise of the racket attracted the attention of the two expectin' a new corset for my New Year's." policemen, who had tracked Muldoon, and who were lingering Leaving the explanation of the cradle problem to another about the door in hopes that he might reappear. time, he wended his way to what he took to be his room. In a trice the sturdy guardians of the public peace had The doo r was slightly ajar. broken in the door and effected an entrance. He pushed it ope n and walked in. "This way," called Jones, making his way into the room A light was dimly burning. from whence all of the noise issued. He staggered to the bureau. Muldoon had crawled into bed and pulled the quilt over him. A glass with two sets of false teeth stood there. Ali that was visible of him was a few ends of his hair. He gazed at them with eyesas big as saucers. "Get up!" he shouted to Muldoon. "Store teeth, or I'm a liar!" he exclaimed. "Terence Mui-"Arrest him," begged the man behind the bed; "he's got a doon, yez are drunk. J?irst yez discover a cradle in yer hall, pistol." an next a double-deck av teeth in yer beer glass. I wondher "And a razor," joined in his wife. will I find a cork leg if I luk into the spittoon?" "And a spear." Just then he backed up against a chair. "And a gun." A dress and hoopskirt were hanging over the back. "And a putty-blower." "I suppose it is Vassar College I have strayed i'nto," he said. Yelled the children from underneath the bed. "I will be breakin' me neck over a pile of chewing gum in a j "Yez lie!" roared Muldoon; "I have a Turkish cimeter, and second." a batthery av blow-guns."

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THE TROUBLES OF TERRENCE MULDOON. 29 "What has he done?" asked Jones, of the woman of the house. "Attempted to assassinate us all," was the answer. "I think he wanted to abduct me," said the lady. Muldoon got up in bed. He took a look at the fair speaker. She was not one whose surpassing beauty/ would bring princes to her feet, and cause men of action and men of might to sound her soft praises on the pensive lute. Indeed, she was as homely as a salt water catfish. "Abduct yez;" said Muldoon; "me abduct yez! Faith, I'd rathei;. ab .duct a hyena." "Oh, you villain," said she, her courage returning with the presence of a policeman, "I'd like to tear your whiskers off." "Come along," said Jones, turning up the gas, "we've fooled with you long enough." For the first time the owners of the room saw Muldoon's face. The lady uttered a scream of surprise. "Why, it's Mr. Muldoon!" she cried. Muldoon braced himself up. "Missus Brown," said he, reproachfully, "how did yez git into me chamber?" "Why, this is my own room,'' said th e lady. Mr. Brown, who had emerged from behind the bed, actually laughed. "Muldoon, old man, you've drank too much," said he. "You've got into the wrong house." Muldoon took one more look about. "Be Heavens, yez are right," said he. "Yez will plaze to ex cuse me. Ye see me success has got to me head. It is not whisky, but a fit of exhilaration." Of course Mr. and Mrs. Brown and the young Browns readily excused Muldoon's conduct. As for the two policeme n, Muldoon took them to his house -he found it this time-treated them to drir 'rs and cigars, and promised to make captains at least of every one of them. They parted on the best of terms. Next day Muldoon got up rejoicing. He felt good. Everybody congratulated him;'lll and he fe:t high-cocka-lorum. That evening a bright idea struck him. He went to his room and began dressing in his best. Roger dropped in while the operation was going on. "Why all this gaudiness?" asked Roger. Muldoon gave him a wink of great elaborateness. "I'm going to ma!)h a lady," said he. "I know who it is," Roger laughed. "'ho?" "The widow." "Yez have conjectured correctly. Roger, would yez put on me blue suspenders wid pink parrots that the widdy made fur me wid her own swate hands?" "Of course-go as gorgeous as possible." He took a short-tailed car to the Widow Halorahan's house. He went up the stairs, and knocked at her door. Evidently the widow took him for a peddler. For she called out: I don't want any matches or shoe blacking. Got all of the stove polish I want, and yez can go west wid your shoe buttons." "Shure, she takes me fur a bloody foreign peddler,'' he said, as he rapped again. "Who is it?" asked the widow, impatiently. "Me." "Who are yez ?" "Meself." "What's your name?" "Me father' s before me. Arrah, Mrs. Halorahan, I am fly." "Thin, bedad, I'll come out wid a broom an' make yez fly." "She's getting mad," reflected Muldoon. "I will not kape her in suspense: Mrs. Halorahan, it is Terrence Muldoon, al derman, that is awaiting your pleasure." The widow came to the door in a hurry. "Is it really you?" cried she, in delight;. "I should smile to blush." "Come right in and sit by the fire. Yez are welcome as the flowers in May." Muldoon went in. He took the seat of honor by the cheerfully blazing grate fire. He looked about the room. Everything was neat and orderly; the widow's cat purred peacefully by the fire; the window's canary fluttered and twittered in its cage, and the white, tasty lace curtains hung gracefully from the windows, shutting out entirely the outside world. Altogether it was a perfect home picture, and it attracted Muldoon, nay, fascinated Muldoon. From surveying the widow's room Muldoon naturally passed on to surveying the widow herself. She was good-looking, was plump and well-formed, and one little foot peeped slyly out from beneath lier skirt, showing a shapely slipper and a mere atom of red stocking. "Begob, if she'll have me I'll jump at the chance,'' mentally resolved Muldoon. He moved his chair up to hers. Have yez heard that I have been elected alderman?" asked he. 'Yis,'' answered the widow. "I am a great man now." "Ye are so, Terrence." "It is a great responsibility, Bridget." "I suspect so "I am half afraid it would be the death av me to share it alone." .'Why don't ye get somebody to help yez?" asked the widow, blushing. "Who?" Muldoon queried. "Don't yez think, Terry, ye are old enough-to-to-" "To what!" "To get married?" said the widow, peering with great apparent interest at the fire, and blushing more than ever. "But who will have me?" "There are lots of women who would jump at the chance," said she. Muldoon unbuttoned his coat. "I must have air,'' said he. silently. "Muldoon, yez will do it now or niver. Brace up, ye sucker!" He gently stole one arm about the widow's waist. "Bridget Halorahan!" shouted he, with a very red face, "will yez marry me?" "Yis," faintly whispered the widow, as she laid her head on his shtmlder, and looked trustfully up into his face. Our story is done. Of course Muldoon married the widow. And that put an end to his rackets. Now, if you look into the Muldoon mansion any night, you wil! find Muldoon rocking a cradle containing twin Muldoons, and singing at the top of his voice: "Baby Mine." But he is one of our true-hearted Irishmen yet. Of all his many friends there is one the author loves above all others. And his name is: MULDOON, THE SOLID MAN! THE END. Read the next number (15) of "Snaps," which contains the sto_y, "DICK QUACK, THE DOCTOR'S BOY; A HARD PILL TO SW ALLOW," by Tom Teaser.

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SECRET SERVICE. OLD AND YOUNG KING BRADY, DETECTIVES. Who has not heard of'' Old King Brady," the celebrated detective, who has unraveled more mysteries than any sleuth ever heard o f In the series of stories to be pub lished in SECRET SERVICE, he will be assisted by a y oung man known: as ''Young K ing Brady," whose only aim in life is to excel' Old King Brady" in working up dangerous cases and running the criminals to earth. How well he does so will be f ully explained in the following stories published in S E CR E T SERVICE. PRICE 5 CENTS. 3 2 PAC ES. Colored Cove rs. Issued Weekly. 1 The Black Band; or, The Two King Bradys ,/\.gain st a I 26 Hard Gang. An Interesting Detective Story. 2 Told by the Ticker; or, The Two King Bradys on a Wall 27 Street Case. 28 The Bradys and the Shoplifters; or, .Hard Work on a Dry Goods Case. Zig Zag the Clown; or, The Bradys' Great Circus Trail. The Bradys Out West; or, Winning a Hard Case. After the Kidnappers; or, The Bradys on a False Clue. 3 The Bradys After a Million; or, Their Chase to Save an 29 Heiress. 30 Old and Young King Bradys' Battle; or, Bound to Win Their Case. 4 The Bradys' Great Bluff; or, A Bun co Game that Failed to Work. 5 In and Out; or, The Two King Bradys on a Lively Chase. 31 The Bradys' Race Track Job; or, Crooked Work Among Jockeys. 6 The Bradys' Hard Fight; or, After the Pullman Car 32 Crooks. Found in the Bay; or, The Bradys on a Great Murder Mystery. 7 Case Number Ten; or, The Bradys and the Private Asy-33 lum Fraud. .The Bradys in Chicago; or, Solving the Mystery of the Lake Front. 8 The Bradys' Silent Search; or, Tracking the Deaf and 34 Dumb Gang. The Bradys' Great Mistake; or, Shadowing the Wrong Man. 9 The Maniac Doctor; or, Qld and Young King Brady in 35 The Bradys and the Mail Mystery; or, Working for the Government. Peril. 10 Held at Bay; or, The Bradys on a Baffling Case. 11 Miss Mystery, the Girl from Chicago; or, Old and Young King Brady on a Dark Trail. 12 The Bradys' Deep Game; or, Chasing the Society Crooks. 13 Hop Lee, the Chinese Slave Dealer; or, Old and Young King Brady and the Opium Fiends. 14 The Bradys in the Dark; or, The Hardest Case of All. 15 The Queen of Diamonds; or, The Two King Bradys' Treas ure Case 16 The Bradys on Top; or, The Great River Mystery. 17 The Missing Engineer; or, Old and Young King Brady and The Lightning Express. 18 The Bradys' Fight For a Life; or, A Mystery Hard t o Solve. 1 9 T h e Bradys' Best Case; or, Tracking the River Pirates. 20 The Foot in the Frog; or, Old and Young King Brady and the Mystery of the Owl Train. 21 The Bradys' Hard Luck; or, Working Against Odds. 22 'The Bradys Baffled; or, In Search of the Green Goods Men. 23 The Opium King; or, The !lrady's Great Chinatown Case. 24 The Bradys in Wall Street; or, A Plot to Steal a Million. 25 The Girl From Boston; or, Old and Young King Brady on a Peculiar Case. 36 The Bradys Down South; or, The Great Plantation Mys-tery. 37 The House in the Swamp; or, the Bradys' Keenest Work. 38 The Knock-out-Drops Gang; or, the Bradys' Risky Venture. 39 The Bradys' Close Shave; or, Into the Jaws of Death. 40 The Bradys' Star Case; or, Working for Love and Glory. 41 The Bradys in Frisco; or, A Three Thousand Mile Hunt. 42 The Bradys and the Express Thieves; or, Tracing the Package Marked "Paid." 43 The Bradys' Hot Chase; or, After the Horse Stealers. 44 The Bradys' Great Wager; or, The Queen of Little Monte Carlo. 45 The Bradys Double Net; or, Catching the Keenest of Criminals. 46 The Man in the Steel Mask; or, The Bradys' Work for a Great Fortune. 47 The Bradys and the Black Trunk; or, Working a Silent Clew. 48 Going It Blind; or, The Bradys' Good Luck. 49 The Bradys Balked; or, Working up Queer Evidence. 50 Against Big Odds; or, 'I'he Bradys' Great Stroke. 51 The Bradys and the Forger; or, Tracing the N. G. Check. 52 The Bradys' Trump Card; or, Winning a Case by Bluff. For sale by all newsdealers or will be sent to any address on receipt of p r i ce, 6 cen t s Address FRANK TOUSEY, Publisher, 24 "'CJ":n.io:n. Sq -u.are. f

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THE HANDSOMEST PUBLISHED I PLUCK I' LUCK. CfJNTfllNS RLL SORTS O F TBLESs EVERY STORY COMPLETE. 'PRICE 5 CENTS. Beautifully Colored Covers. 1 Dick Decker, the B r a ve Young Fireman, by Ex: F ire C hi e f Warden 2 The Two Boy Broke r s ; or, From Messenger Boys to Mi ll ion -aires, b y a Retired Banker 3 Little Lou, the P r ide o [ the C o n t i nental A rmy. A Story o f the American Revolution, by General Jas. A Gordon 4 Railroad Ralph, the Boy Engineer, bX C Merritt 5 The Boy Pilot of Lake Michigan, by Capt. rhos H. Wils on 6 Joe \Viley, the Young Temperance Lecturer by Jno. B Dcwd 7 The Little Swamp Fox. A Tale of General Marion and His Men, by General Jas. A. Gordon 8 Youn: Grizzly Adam,., the Wild Beast 'l'amer. A True Story ol Circn>1 Life, by Hal Standish 9 North f>ole N a t; or, The Secret of the Frozen D e ep, by C11. t. Thos. 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A Story of Life in New York, by Howard Austin WI Two Years o n a Raft, by Capt. Thos. H Wilson 88 Always Ready; or, The Best Engineer on the Road, by Jas. C. M erritt 3 9 Out Wit h Bufl'alo Bill; or, Six New York Boys in the 'Yil d West, by An Old Scout 40 The Gho s t s o f Black Clifl' Hall, by Hal Standish 41 The Isl a n d Kinp;; o r The Realms of the Sea, by Berton Bertrew 42 Rory o f tll;e H i lls; o r, The Outlaws of T ipperary, hy Corporal Morgan Rattler 43 C o l umbia; or, The Yeung F iremen o f Glendal e, by Ex Fire ChiP.f Warden 44 Across the Continent in the A ir, by Allyn Draper 45 The Wolf Hunters of Minnesota, by Jas. C. Merritt 46 Larry Lee, the Young Lighthouse Keeper oy Capt. Thos H Wilson 47 The White World; or, The Slaves of Siberia, by H oward Austin 48 Headlight 'fom, the B o y Engineer, by Jas C. 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Merritt 67 Jack Jordan of New York; or, A Nervy Young American, by Howard Austin 68 The Block House Boys; or, The Young Pioneer of the Great Lake s, hy A n Old Scout 69 Fro m Bootblack to Broker; or, The Luck of a Wall S t r e e t Boy, by A R e tire d Broker 70 E i ;hteen Diamond Eyes; or, The Nine-Headed Id o l o f Cey lon, by Bert.en Bertrew 71 Phil, the Boy Fireman; or, Through Flame s to Vi ctory by Ex Fire C hief Wai;den 72.The Boy Silver King; o r The Mystery of Two b.v Allyn Draper 73 The Floating School; or, Dr. Bircham's Bad Boys Acade111), b y Howard Austin 74 Frank Fair in Congress; or, A Boy Among Our Lawmake rs, by Hal Standish 75 Dunning & Co., the Boy Brokers, by A Retired Broker 76 The Ho rket; or, Adventures in the Air, by Allyn Draper 77 The Firs t Glass; or, The Woes of Wine, by Jno B. Dowd 7 8 Will, the Whaler, by Capt. Thos. H Wilson For Sale of Price, 5 by All Newsdealers Cents Per Copy, b y or will be Sent t o Any Address on Receipt FRANK TOUSEY, Publisher, 24 Union Square, New York.

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"THREE CHUMS" A WEEKLY STORY .OF THE ADVENTURES OF TWO BOYS AND A GIRL. Read about Ben Bright! Read about Tom True! Read about Dorothy Dare! Send us a, letter or postal ca.rd giving us your opinion, and we will answer you in THREE CHUMS. 32 Pages. Large Type. Colored Covers. Price 5 cents. YOU WILL FIND IT AT YOUB NEWSDEALER'S. As the title of the publication indicates, these stories a.re written a.bout two boys and a, girl who a.re by force of circumstances thrown together and agree that they will be "THBEE CHUMS" through thick a,nd thin, and will stand by their motto, ALL FOB ONE AND ONE FOB ALL," at all times and places. lVlr. Harry Moore, the author, is .a. new contributor, and we can safely guarantee that his stories will be the most interesting and up-to-date of any published. 1 Three Chums at School; or, All for One and One for All. 2 Three Chums' Return; or, Back at School. 3 Three Chums at Football; or, Hot Times on the "Gridiron." 4 Three Chums Defeated; or, Ben Bright's Unlucky Accident. 5 Three Chums Aroused; or, Squaring Accounts with Sea bright. 6 Three Chums' Triumph; or, Winning the Championship For sale by all newsdealers or sent postpaid on receipt of price, 5 cents per copy, by 'TC>"'[J"S:E"'Y", :J?-u.b1isb.er, 24 UNION SOUABE. NEW YOBK.

PAGE 35

TEN CENT HAND BOOKS.-Contiaucd &om page 2 of eovu. THE STAGE. No. 41 THE BOYS OF NEW YORK END MEN'S JOKE BOOK.-Containing a great variety of the latest jokes used by the most famous end men. No amateur minstrels is complete without this wonderful little book. No. 42. TffE BOYS OF NEW YORK STUMP SPEAKER.Containing a varied assortment of stump speeches, Negro, Dutch and Irish. Also end men's jokes Just the thing for home amuse ment and amateur shows. No. 45. 'l'HE BOYS OF NEW YORK MINS'l'llEJL GUIDE AND JOKE BOOK.-Something new and very instrnctive. Every boy should obtain this book, as it contains full instructions for or ganizing an amateur minstrel troupe. No. 65 MULDOO;N'S JOI{ES.-This is one of the most original joke books ever published, and it is brimful of wit and humor. It contains a large collection of songs, jokes, conundrums, etc. of Terrence Muldoon, the great wit, humorist, and practical joker of tbe day. Every boy who can enjoy a good f;Ubstantial joke should obtain a copy immediately. No. 79. HOW TO BECOME AN AQTOR-Containin.g com plete instructions how to make up for various characters on the stage.; with the duties of the Stiwe. l\fanager, Prom,pter, Scemc Art1st and Property 1\fan. By a prolllnent Sta!le Manager.1 H OU'SEKEE P I N G.' SOCI ETY. No. 3 HOW 'rO FLIRT.-The arts and wiles of lllrtatfon art fully explained by this little boo'k. Besides the various method s b.anakerchief, fan, glove, parasol, window and hat flirtation it co n tains a full list of the language and sentiment of flowers which It in_teresting to everybody, both old and young You cannot be happ J without one. No. 4. HOW TO DANCE is the title of a new and handsom e little book just issued by Frank 'l'ousey It contains full instruc tions Xi the art of dancing, etiquette in the ball-room and at parties how to dress, and full directions for calling off i n all popul a r square dances No. 5. HOW TO MAKE LOVE.-A complete g u i de t o lo ve, courtship and marriage, giving sensible advice, rules and etiquet t1 to be observed, with many curious and interesting things not ge:a erally known. No. 17. HOW TO DRESS.-Containing full instruction in the art of dressing and appearing well at h ome and abroad, g i vin g the selections of colors, materia!J... and how to have them made up. No. 18. HOW TO BEvOME BEAUTIFUL .-One o f the bi:ightest and most valuable little books ever g i ve n to the world. Everybody wishes to know how to beGOme b e autiful both m a l e an4 female, The. secret is simple, and almost co stle ss Read this boolr and be convinced how to become beautiful.. I No., 16 HOW 'fO KEEP A WINDOW GARDEN.-Containing BIRDS AND ANJ full instructions for constructing a window garden either in town r MA LS or country, and the most approved methods for raising beautiful No .. HOW. TO I .... J!iEP BIRDS.-Handsomely anf flowers at home. The most complete book of the kind ever pub1contammg fu/l ms.tructlons. for the ma.nagement a n d tramin g of t he lished. canary, mockmgb1rd, .bo,bol mk, blackbird. paroquet, parrot, No. 30. HOW TO COOK.-One of the .m9st instructive books No. 39. HOW TO POULTRY, PIGEONS A N D on eooking ever published. It contains recipes for cooking ll).eats I RAB.Bl'l'S.-A useful and mstructive boo k Handsomel y illustrat-fish, game, and oysters; also pies. puddings, cakes and all kinds of ed. By Ira Drof;aw. : pastry, and a grand collection of recipes by one of our most POI!Ular No. 40. HOW TO MAKE AND SET TRA.PS.-Includmg hint. cooks. on how to catch mples, rats, squh:rels and bird1. No. 37. TO KEEP HOUSE.-It contains information for how to GUre skms. Cop1ousl.i'1llustrated. By. J. Harringtoa everybody, boys, girls, men and women; it will teach you how to Keene. make almost anything around the house, such as parlor ornament\\, No. M. HO'\". T9 -STUJ<'F .BIRDS. AND brackets, cements, Aeolian harps, and bil' d lime for birds. j valuable g 1ymg ii;i collectmg, prepan. ng, mountint and preservmg blrds, ammals and msects. ... 'ELECTRICAL. No,:\54. HOW '1'0)\:EEJP MANAGE PETS.-Ghing co m No. 46. HOW TO MAKE .AND USE ELECTlUCITY.-A deplet!l as to the m_anner an.d method of raising, keepins 1cription of.the wonderful uses. of electricity and, electro magnetism ; ,breedu,ig, managmg all kmds of P<;ts; a l so g i ving f u ll togetlier with full instrudions for making Electric 'l'oys, Batteries, for cages, etc. Fully explamed by twenty-eight etc. By George Trebel, A. M., M. D. Containing over fifty ilill\ll>trations, makmg it the most complete book of the kind evltll lustrations. published. No. 64. HOW TO MAKE ELECTRICAL MAO!IINEJS -'-Con-MISCELLANEOUS. taining full dhections for making electrical machmes. induction No. 8. IIOW TO BECOMEl A SCIEJNTIST.-A useful and In-coils, and many novel toys to be worked by electricity. structive book, giving a "Omp1ete treatise on chemistry, also exR. A. R. Bennett. Ii'ully illustrated. No. 67. HOW TO DO 1'LElOTRICAL TilICKS.-Oontaining a periments in acoustics, mechanics, mathematics, chemistry, and di large collection of instructive and highly am'\lsing electrical tricks, rections for m aking fireworks, colored fires, and gas balloons. Thi' \ h '11 B A d book cannot be equaled. tpget er with 1 ustrat10ns. YA. n erson. No. 14. HOW .ro 1\IAKE CANDY.-A complete hand-book for EN TE RT A IN ME NT. making all kin.ds of candy.!. 1ce-creamJ.. s.vrups, esE>e. nces, etc., etc, 9. HOW TO BECOME A VENTRILOQUIST.-By Harry No. 15. HOW TO RiuH.-This w:ondedul book pre-Kennedy. The secre.t given away. Every intelligent boy reading sents you with the example and life e:s::perience of some of the most tillis book of instruct1ons. by a practical profe$sor (delighting mulrinoted and wealthy 111en in the world, mcluding the self-made men tudes every night with his wonderful imitations), can ma ster the of our country, The book is edited by one of the most successful &rt, and create any amount of fun for himself and friends. It is the men of tbe pre.sent age, whose own example is in itself g uide enoug h 1reatest book; eYer published, and there's millions (of fun} in it. for those who aspire to fame and money. The book wiII give you No. 20. HOW TO ENTERTAIN AN EVENING PARTY.-A the secret. nry valuable little book just published. A complete compendium 1 No. 19. FRANK TOUSEY'S UNI'l'ED ST.ATES DISTANCm of games, sports, card diversions, ce>mic recreations, etc. suitable TABLES, POCKET COJ'IIPANION AND GUIDE.-Giving the tor parlor or drawing-room entertainment. It contains more for the official distances on all the railroads of the United States an llllloney than any book :QUblished. Canada. Also table of distances by water to foreign ports, hack No. 35. HOW TO PLAY G'AMES.-A complete and useful little fares in the principal cities, reports of the census, etc., etc., mali:in 1 !wok, containing the rules and regulations of billiards, bagatelle, it one of the most complete and handy books published. NCkgammon, croquet, dominoes, etc. No. 38. HOW TO BECOME YOUR OWN DOOTOR.-A won No. 36. HOW TO SOLVE CONUNDRUMS.-Containing all derful book, containing useful and practical information in the the leading conundrums of the day, amusing riddles, curious catches treatment of ordinary diseases and ailments common to ever7 and witty sayings. fatnily. Abounding in u11eful and effective rec i pes fo r general com-No. 52. HOW TO PLAY CA:RDS.-A complete and handy little plaints. book, giving the rules and full directions for playing .Euchre, CribNo. 41. TIIE BOYS OF NEW YORK END :MEN'S JOKJD bage, Casino, Forty-Five, Rounce, Pedro Sapcho, Draw Pokn, BOOK.-Cont a:ining a great variety of the latest jokes used by th1 Auction Pitch, All Fours, and many other popular games of cards. most famous end men. No amateur minstrels is complete without No. 66. HOW TO DO PUZZLES.-Containing over three bun-this wonderful little book. &red interesting puzzles and conundrums, with key to same. A No. 55. HOW 'rO COLLECT STAMPS AND COINS.-Coneomp lete boo k .Fully illustrated. By A. Andersort, taining valuable information regarding tl:ie collecting and a r rangin1 of stamps and coins. Handsomely illustrated. ETIQUETTE. No. 58. HOW TO BE A DETECTIVE.-By Old King Bra..dy No. 13. HOW TO DO IT; OR, BOOK OF ElTIQUETTE.-It the world-known detective. In which he lays down some valuabl e hi a great life secret, and one that every young man desires to know and sensible rules for beginners, and also relates some adventure all about. There's ha11piness in it. and experiences of well-known detectives. No. 33. HOW TO BERA VE.-Containing the rules and No. 60, HOW TO BECOME A PHOTOGRAPHER.-Contain etiquette of good society and the ea,siest and most approved methods ing useful information regarding the Cameta and how to work it; of appearing to good advantage at parties, balls, the theatre, church, also how to make Photographic Magic Lantern Slides and other ud in the drawing-room. Transpaiencies. Handsomely illustrated. By Oaptaip W. De W Abney. DECLAMATteN. No. 62. JlOW TO BECOME A WE.ST POINT MILITARY 1 No. 27. HOW TO RECITE AND BOOK OF RECITATIONS. CADET.-Oontaining full explanations how to gain admittance, --Containing the most popular selections in use, compiis-ing Dutch course of Study, Examinations, Duties, Staff of Officers, Post lalect, French dialect, Yankee and Irish dialect pieces, together Guard, Police Regulations, Fire Department, and all a boy should with many standard readings. know to be a Oadet. Compiled and written by Lu Senarena, No. 31. HOW TO BECOME A SPEAKER.--Containing four-Author of "How to Become a Na.val Cadet." i!lustration11, giTing the different positions requisite to become No,. 63. HOW TO BECOME A NAVAL CADET.-Complete. lat. good spenkei:., reader and elocutionist. Also containing gems from structioilll of how to gain admisston to the Annal'olis Naval 111.ll the popular authors of prose and poetr;r, arranged in the molilt Academy. Also containing the cottr8' of in11truction, description 1imp.Je and concise manner possible. of grouai11 a:nel llalldlDJW, historical sketch, and everyti.ing a bo;r No. 49. HOW TO DEBATE.-Givlng l'Ul0s for conducting deshoulel kaw to ieettme an la the United States Navy, Oo&. 1bates, ontlinea for debates, -iuestions fer Eliscu.sslon, and tbe piled an wrlttea 111 Lu l!le!!.&relll. author of "How to H"oome II toUreee for procuring information on the questions given. Vfeli!t Peint Mllltal'J' f!N.et.H PR.XCE l.0 CENTS EACH OR. s FOR. es CENTS. 111R.ANK PnblisherD a u 'on SCtua.re New

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A LAUGH IN EVERY CHAPTER THIS IS THE LATEST! .AP A COMIC WEEKLY OF COMIC STORIES BY COMIC AUTHORS. The Only Library of Funny Stories Published in the World. "SNAPS'' will be issued weekly a.nd will conta.in the crea.m of humorous stories, written by such well knOWD; writers of Comic Stories a.s PETER PAD TOM TEASER, SAM SMILEY, a.nd Others. Every number will consist of 32 LARGE PAGES, printed in clea.r, bold type, a.nd will be inclosed in a. handsome illuminated cover. Ea.ch story will be complete in itself, a.nd will be filled with funny incidents a.nd situa.tions from beginning to end. If you enjoy a. good la.ugh you should certainly pla.ce your order with your newsdea.ler for a. copy of SNAPS" every week. 1 Tommy Bounce, the Family Mischief, by Peter Pad I 8 Skinny on the Road; or, Working fo r Fun and T rade, 2 'l'ommy Bounce At School ; or, The Family At J by Tom Teaser Work and Play, by Peter Pad 19 Tom, Dick and Dave; or, Sch oo ldays in New York 3 Two Dandies of New York ; or, The F unny Side of by Peter Pad Everything, by To' m Teaser 10 Mu lligan's Boy. by Tom Tease1 4 Shorty: or, Kicked Into Good Luck, by Peter Pali 11 L ittle Mike Mulligan; o r The Troubles of Two Runa5 Sho.rty on the Stage; or. Having all Sorts of Luci,, I ways. by Tom Teaser by Peter Pad 12 Touchemup Academy; or, Who Woul d Be Boys, 6 Cheeky Jim, the Boy From Chicago; or, Nothing Too Good for Him. by.Sam Smiley J3 Muldoon. the Solid Man. 7 Ski'nny. the Tin Peddler, by Tom Teaser 14 The Troubles of Terrence Muldoon. by Sam Smiley by Tom Teaser by Tom Teaser "SNAP S i s for sal e b y all n e w s deal e r s or will b e sent to any on 1eceipt of price, 5 c ents p e r c o p y in money or J)O!'lt a g e stam}l S Address FRANK TDUSEY, Publisher, 24 Union Squa.re New York.


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