Muldoon's boarding house


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Muldoon's boarding house

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Title:
Muldoon's boarding house
Series Title:
Snaps
Creator:
Teaser, Tom
Place of Publication:
New York
Publisher:
Frank Tousey
Publication Date:
Language:
English
Physical Description:
1 online resource, 29 pages

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Subjects / Keywords:
Humorous stories, American ( lcsh )
Dime novels ( lcsh )
Genre:
serial ( sobekcm )

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Source Institution:
University of South Florida Library
Holding Location:
University of South Florida
Rights Management:
The University of South Florida Libraries believes that the Item is in the Public Domain under the laws of the United States, but a determination was not made as to its copyright status under the copyright laws of other countries. The Item may not be in the Public Domain under the laws of other countries.
Resource Identifier:
031789681 ( ALEPH )
07687817 ( OCLC )
S78-00002 ( USFLDC DOI )
s78.2 ( USFLDC Handle )

USFLDC Membership

Aggregations:
University of South Florida
Dime Novel Collection
Snaps

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serial

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lu1w.f I Vee kl)l-By per year. Entered as Second Class Matte r at IM New York _e'Q.,t Office, b!; /"ran/: T ousei/ No. 39. N E W YORK, JULY 4 1900. Price 5 Cents. The ram lowered its head, rushed orward, and, striking Muldoon in the pit of the stomach, landed him up against the hat-rack. Down came the rack and Muldoon simultaneously

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IUllTOH ltASCOE ELLEltY QUEEN ADVISORY BOARD, Honorary Members COL. EDWAltD It. F. EAGAN HHr Yori Stat &EOlt&E A IALL JAMIS SANDOE Ubrorlon EltLE STAHLEY 8AltDHElt CHARLES JONAS loi/nf Comml11/oner l:EHOX F. LOHR VINCENT STAltltETT DOU&LAS &ILBEltT H. Y. Tel.,rom LAWRENCE WOOD ltOBEltT Jlt. WAltD MOREHOUSE ltEV. WALTH P. TUNKS l'ltOF. J. FUNK DOllE Oil. L C POWELL It. W. 8 VAIL OlrKtor, H. Y. Hldorlcol Soc. PltOF. HEltlEltT E COltY PltOF. ALIEllT JOHANNSEN HESS Jlt. l::omptroller /'res C/ilcoro MuHum Sc/enc1t & Industry EDWAltD AltHOLD ltOIEllT WILLIA.MS l'ubllsher H Y. Sun JOHN SELBY A11oc/oted /'re11 Ubrorlon CAltl I. ltODEH Ubrorlon WM. SEAlltOOK AUGUST DEltlETH HAltOLD ltU8& DEAN ELMOU PETEltSIH DEAN ELLSWORTH CG>LLINS HEltEV(AltD CAltltlH8TON PltOF. MILTON ELLIS GrHt Ho. Ry. ltOIEltT MOSES He Yorl City Pork Comml11loner Wlol. R. BENET SYDNEY FOSTElt Justice H Y PltGF L. M. MASSEY Sot. Re. Literature Supreme Court Ubrorlon PltOF. JOHN 8. FAIRFIELD / I UOKIOS fh rouaeJ aomioa tiul.J eo for that publisher had the fin est ataf:r of wr 1 tera in the field -George Small (P""te:r pad) 1dward Ten 11ok (Tom Teaser) ct.nd the great artist TO .,orth. JOr OYer 40 they prOYided the best in slapstick ooaeclfwi th JIU].loon The solid K&n shortJ aAd. hia K1nstrel )(Ci TOIUIJ BOunoe sa.aaf 8 .. the Bootblaok J:beAees-e:t oro Skinny The Tin Peddler TA )luloahey twins and others. neae oollioa also. have their serious side for they give ua as no other books do -the popular treet aoene the slang action of the Elegant Eighties and the G&Y !en 1,ot (Tom Teaser) wno also wrote under the pen D.tlmB "Ed" as pro' t>ably the finest writer of oomioa in hia time, and his early death out short a oazeer which would haYe oarried him Yery far in that field. BIBLIOGRAPIT. All Tousey ooaiaa appeared. in .ar1al form one oha.pter a week in the story papers Boys ot 1ew york, young )(en or Amerioa, Golden Weekly, -daya, 1 roa 1878 on ( tLnd to enjoy, they should be read one oh91>t .er eekly a were puolished complete in pde Awake Libl:"l'f (lBScs-1.896) otsa1o Li-or_ary (197 issues l.89a-96) &napa ('lo issues 1899-1900). Oliher publisher& tried in Yain to oomplet_ e -street & smith ism.t a few coliioa in BUSget Librry -Beadle published one ooicd wisely quit -1orman )IUXlro provided _one oord.o oharaoier -a good one BONES, a youth with -iron nerve and cheek or br_. who appeared weekly in GOlden Hours -the stories were p'W)l1shed complete in the old OaP L 1bra.ry in 1899. Jaosimile 1t9Print IO 8. Kade for the 1ovel_ O]_ub. 9epte111Jer, 1945. The D1e i.oo. -

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' s APS A Comic Weekly of Comic Stories hr Comic Auth .orso Issued Weekl11-By Subscrl_tlon. $2.50 per year. Entered G3 Second Cla3s Matter ai the New York. N. Y Poat Offkle, October 9, 1899. En.terea accord,n17 to Act of Congress, tn the year 1900, fa, the office of th11 Librarian. of Oot111ress, WG3Mn,.oton, D. 0., bl/ FrGn1' Toruiey, 24 Un.ton. Square, New Yor1'. No. 39. NEW YORK, July 4,1 1900. Price 5 CentiS. JilULDOOJf 'S BOBBDIJG By TOM '!'EASER. CHAPTER I. "Ladies and gentlemen-it gives me great playsure to Inau gurate me boarding-house wid a free spread av a-Terry Raf ferty, ye Cherry street flirt, will ye plaze not excavate your teeth wid a fork? Shure, the crockery is only silver plated, an ye will ruin its iligance. A<> I was saying, ladies and gentlemen, I wish to make me establishment so pleasant to yez that yez will be loathe to leave it. I wish to make it-Mrs. Fitz Murphy, for the love of Heaven garrote that child av yours, or I won't be able to hear meself think. "All av the indelicacies out of the season will be found upon me table, an' I will do me best to make yez all miserable. The cuislne-Frinch for grub-will be splendid also-Mr. Geoghe. gan, 1 am ashamed av ye. If ye want to spit, do ft in yer pocket instead av the tay cup "It is me intention to have a respectable, well-conducted high-tone place av repose for ladies an' gentlemen. No ruffian ism will be allowed, or--Hippocrates Burns, I see yez have a col d in yer head, an' ye better go out onto the piazza an' view the woodhouse. If ye imeeze in the soup, ye sucker, I'll mur dher yez!" by this, his opening speech, Terence Muldoon, Esq., proprietor of Muldoon's boarding-house, sat down, red as a rose from his unaccustomed oratorical exercise. A buzz of applause ran around from the boarders. "Three cheers for Muldoon!" cried Mr. Geoghegan a gallus young Irishman, -Who bloomed all the year around in a .terri fically high collar and a necktie so loud that you could hear it tor a mile They were given with a will, and the tiger uttere d with a ;-ehemence which caused the dishes to rattle. "'Thanks," said :Muldoon, "but don't repeat the dose; I don't want the house pulled on its very first night, an' I haven't got a lict>nse for a free-and-easy. Mrs. Muldoon." In obedience Mrs. Mutdoon, once the Widow Halirahan, came from the kitchen with a tro. ubled face. ''The turkey!" said Muldoon, with a lordly air. "It's gone," replied his wife. Muldoon looked as if a flash of lightning had struck him on the back of the neck. "What?" he cried. "The turkey' s gone." "Where?" "I put it out on the window to cool." 0Yes?" "An1-an'--" "For Heaven's sake, Bridget, don't prolong me agony. Put me out av suspense at wun st." "McCarthy's cat stole it." Muldoon got up. He took off his coat and vest and undid his necktie. Then he made a bee-line forthe front door .. Where are you going, Terry?" asked his wife, clinging to his arm. '"To lick McCarthy!" "What for?" "His cat stole me turkey. Unhand me, woman! Bedad, I'll butcher him. He's got that cat trained, the devil! But the united persuasions of his wife and boarders per-suaded him to forego his purpose for the nonce. I'll wait till Sunday, after church, and thin I'll klll him," he said. Notwithstanding the unavoidable absence of the turkey, a substantial repast was brought onto the table. That is, sub stantial in quantity. The quality had better be ignored. It wasn't lori.g before the boarders began to kick. "Pass me the butt her, Mr. Geoghegan?" "Shure, it's strong enough to walk." wm 1>omebody lend me a harpoon till I secure the mouse in me coffee?" "Plaze give the tea air. It is so weak that It may die soon. "Somebody's dropped a tooth In me "There's paragorlc in the ice cream." "Shure, there Is B. B. shot in the peas." "Don't give me any more of that Washington pie-it's all cat." "Go out into the woodhouse and borry me an ax tlll I break me biscuit." These were some of the sarcastic comments uttered upon the bill of fare by the boarders. Muldoon heard them. For a while he concealed his emotion; but it was hard. worlc -about as hard as swallowing an At last he could not stand it any longer. He gripped Mr. Geoghegan, who appeared to be the ring leader of the growlen, by the collar and the slack of his new flve-dollar pants. "Edwardo Geoghegan," he said, sorrowfully "how many times have I rescued ye from the mud-gutter and took ye out av hock. Yez are a ring-tailed viper that I have nourished in me bosom and now yez sting me. Out yez go, an' devil a clnt av yez board will yez git back." .fr. Geoghegan flew out of the door In a style which was more bouncible than beneficial. "Are there any other that desire Del-mo-ni-co !eed for three dollars a week-principally. in trade dollars?" aslced Muldoon. .. Perhaps yez would loike potted elephant wid quail sauce and a bouquet on aich plate!" !'robody replied. rbe fate of Geoghegan seemed to have cast a shadow oYer the company. Muldoon sat down and resumed his supper. But another interruption was in store for him.

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M.ULDOON'S BO.ARDING HOUSE klt<:hen{ in accerru; o! '.."Terry, e,re ye craz,r?" "Terrr!" called his :Wife from the anguish. "What is it now?" 'Muldoon. "Hae the stgve ex ploded, or has McCarthy's cat got away wid lhe summer garden?" "Mnlcahy'11 chickens arA in the back yard," was the reply. Muldoon arose; "Bring me me rifled cannon, Bridget," said he. "W-hat would yez do, Terry?" asked his wife. "Swape Mulcahy's chickens from the face av the airth. Bring me the powder demijohn and a basket av bullets." Ih response Mrs. Muldoon appeared with an old army mus ket-one of those double-headers which generally kill the per11on shot at and the person who shoots them, slmultan& cusly. M;uldoon loaded it. .1 "Yis, wid ... ilfor Hiven's sake poison me wid Russian aeldi Do :r.-,Jnow 1"1lat I have done?" -"What?"''= "I have shot me own chickens Will ye plaze to set fire to a featl!.er quilt beneath me nostrils, or I will faint, sure! So it war;i. Muldoon's chickens had broken loose from his carefully con trived dungeon of a pen, and now every one was dead. And presented to Mulcahy. "To say that Muldoon was wild expresses it very lightly. It would havebeen a positive relief for him to make Mulcahy eat the dead chickens raw, feathers and all. But at last the entreaties of his boarders succeeded in get ting him into the house. And, after partaking of a 'glass of the real old stuff, he felt better. He put in powder and shot enough to sink a ship. "Ladies and gents," said he, "will yez walk out "Let us come out and sit upon the front portico," suggests onto Mrs. Fitz Murphy, whose husband had a position ln the City Hail, and who regarded herself as very high-toned. back deck .and gase upon the massacre?" "Hurry up, Terry," called his wife, "the chickens have tore up me geraniums al}d all of me verbenas." Muldoon cocked his gun. "Begob, I bAtther kill them immediately, or they'll be atlng up the clothes-pole-the rapaciou11 insects," he growled. Perhaps you may wonder at Muldoon's evll intent upon a few chickens of a netghbor whom he supposed had accidentally got into his yard. Michael Mulcahy lived next doot. He had married a red-headed, freckled-faced Irish fairy, and moved adjacent to Muldoon. Fights between the two famllles were frequent. Muldoon kept chickens. Mulcahy kept chickens. The chickens were sociable and liked to call upon one an other. And as the two yards were separated only by a low fence tbl1 waa easily done. But al! the chickens generally contrived during their 1isltl! to render the respective yards a howling waste, the visits were lnterrlicted. Muldoon locked his fowls up in a pen at one end of the yard. One day, though, a hen escaped, got into Mulcahy's yard, tried to make a walking track of Mulcahy's flower-bed, and Mulcnizy killed her with an ax. Muldoon thereupon threatened to shoot Mulcahy's chickens on sight. Here was his chance. He went out into the back yard. "Misther Mulcahy!" he called. "Hey?" answered Mulcahy, from the other side of the fence. \ "Yez had betther buy lee!" "What for?" "To lay out yer chickens on! "\Vhy?" "They are into me grounds." "It won't hurt them." "I am about to ldll them. "Kill away." Muldoon raised his gun. He blazed away at the chickens. Six fell. "Be Heavens, Mulcahy can have chicken pot-pie for a wake!" iloliloqulzed Muldoon, as he reloaded his weapon. It did not take long to finish the rest' of the chickens. Mul doon'!! yard looked Uke a battle-field in a few moments. Then, assisted by his wife and the more active of his boarders, Muldoon threw the corpses over the fence. "It's an illegant morgue Mulcahy can start now," he chuckled. After the last chicken had sailed over the fence Mulcahy ap peared on top of a step-ladder. "Will yez plaze to accept me thanks, Mr. Muldoon," he said, with a grin. "What for?" "Your illeg&J/.t prlslnt." "Av what?" "Chickens." "What does the gorilla mane?" muttered Muldoon. "Will yez look upon yer own pen, ye celluloid bogthrotter?" yelled Mulcahy, as he disappeared. Muldoon rushed for his pen. It was empty. A slat was broken, affording a space sufficiently large to adegress for several fowls. He gave a wild Irish whoop of rage. "Howly Moses!" he cried; "Mrs. Muldoon, wlll ye?. place me In the coal-scuttle and dump me In the fire?" ".And let the children promenade upon the Rialto," capped in Muldoon, who wasn' t going to be behind in style. Led by himself, Muldoon and his boarders went out upon the front, stoop. _It was a pleasing sight, Muldoon's front stoop of a summer night. There was Muldoon himself in the door, the boarders scattered around most socially, a dog fight abetted by Patsy O'Brien and the McNulty's boy going on on the sidewalk, and Denny Callan an, the policeman, gazing at it in delight. Tell you what, for grace and polish, was hard. to beat MuldOon's boarding-house. As they sat there that night, Mts. Fitz Murphy spoke up: "I haye a song I would like to sing yez," she said. "Wid playsure," gallantly said Muldoon. "I would accom pan y yez on the pi-an-a Mrs. Fitz Murphy, if Micke y Meagher hadn't borrowed it to stand on while he whitewashes the cellar." "I prefer to sing alone," replied Mrs. Fitz Murphy. "The song is about you, Mr. Muldoon." "Yez flatter me." It was writ by me sister's steady company. He is a news-paper divil." A reporter?" "No-he' s editor. He writes wrappers." Without further preface Mrs. :B'itz Murphy struck up the fol lowing lively Jay: MULDOON'S BOARDING-HOUSE. Am:-Skidmore Fancy Ball. Oh look upon us, every one Boarders, all so gay From Erin's Isle-we lead the style, Don't ye give it away! There's sweet Edwardo Geoghegan, Senator Mike Lobscouse, A soild .man-no black-an -tan, At Muldoon's Boarding-house. All in a group-on the front stoop, The neighborhood we 'rouse, 'Tis "Baby Mine"-all out of time, At Muldoon's Boarding-house. Ohorus. Pork and beans and liver, ohBacon, tripe and hash; I tell you what, the grub ls hot, 'Tis solid food for cash. Babies squall in every hall, Each bed-bug is big as a mouse, 'Tis "Pinafore" on every fioor, At Muldoon's Boarding-house. The board's the best. we ever got, It's sixteen meals a day, Goose-pie and ham, wid Rockaway clam We put lt down to stay; Cuspldores inside each room, Bath-tubs in which to souse, The etiquette is grand, you bet, At Muldoon's Boarding-house. There's Mike McGee, from Tipparee, Miss Frash, and Sadie Krouse, Who have the hang of all the slang At Muldoon's Boarding-house. Pork and beans, etc. It ls needless to say that this beautiful song was loudly ap plauded.

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MULDOON'S BOARDING HOUSE 3 "Begorra, I will have it kalsomlned and hung up in the re"You're murdherin' av me!" ception-room," said Muldoon. "An--" "Yez lie! I'm killing the crather. Whoop, feel him strug-What other honor. Muldoon intended to shower upon the gle. song will never be known. "Poppy-poppy," said Roger's voice, "you've killed the cop!" There was a terrific uproar inside. It sounded as if a hurri-Muldoon opened his eyes. cane had come in at the back door, and was working its way "Bad cess to me for a bog-trotter! -ejaculated he, "if I through. haven't lassoed the perlice!" "Tin to wan the wather-pipe's bust. and set fire to the So he had. house!" yelled Terry Rafferty. The lasso had not touched the ram at all. "It's a landslide, shure," predicted Mrs. Fitz Murphy. But it had touched the cop. It had landed over h1a neck.. "Mebbe the piano has blown up and exploded Micky Meag-and a little more pulling by Muldoon would have deprived New Aer," wailed Miss Gilhooly, a beautiful blonde with strawberry York of one of her finest clubbers. hair, who sewed shirts for ten cents a dozen. As it was, Denny was half strangled, and threatened to take-"It's Roger," cried Mrs. "Muldoon, I left him Muldoon in on the first opportnity. playing wid your razor. I suppose he's cut his throat and fell Meanwhile the ram had gone off., and was head and ears in downstairs in a fit! I shall faint," and Mrs. Muldoon topp,led an ash-baTrel, chewing up an old boot. gracefully into her husband's arms. Muldoon had a bright idea. ":i;irace up, ye sylph!" said Muldoon. "Terence Muldoon, he said, as he. ran down the stoop, "ye "I can't, I'm dying! have a gigantic head. If yer brain grows much lar1er. Y& "For Heaven's sake-don't. Put it otr. Do ye know yez're won't be able to put on your hat." kicking all av the glitter off av me boots?" Picking up the ash-barrel, Muldoon dumped. Ii and the ram -"Oh, fan me, Terry!" piteously begged his wife. over together. His design was to catch the ram in the barrel "I will-wid a club," and Muldoon deposited his better half the same way that a boy catches a butterft7 in a M.t. on the door-step. The ram resisted. "Lay there, Bridget," shouted he, "till I go into the chateau It was a collar-and-elbow rough-and-tumble dght between an_ d get a shovelful of hot wather to revive yez wid." Muldoon, the ash-barrel and the ram. He rushed for the hall. First it seemed likely that the ram would get out, and kill An unexpected obstacle intervened. Muldoon. Then it appeared probable that Muldoon would A big, ugly, vicious-looking ram with about a mill) of heavy smother the ram. iron chain was rushing down the hall, and at the other end of In fact, it was a close question for a while whether Muldoon the chain wa.'3 Roger Muldoon aged six, b eing dragged, howl-was trying to get the ram into the ash-barrel, or the raJJ1 try-ing and kicking, over the oil-cloth. ing to get Muldoon ':l'he ram evidently took Muldoon for an enemy. At last, though, Muldoon got a good grip onto the animal, It lowered its h e ad rushed forward, and striking Muldoon and-the clothe;;-line having been handed to him by Terry Raf in the pit of the stomach landed him up against the ,hat-rack. ferty, tied it fast s6 securely that it could hardly breathe. Down came the rack and Muldoon simultaneously. He got up and looked at himself. "Ho\vly murther-it's a wild camel!" roared Muldoon. "It is an elegant sign I'd make for a sale of goods ruined "Roger-Roger, ye bird av Paradise, let go av the chain!" by disaster," he groaned. "Luk at me new three-dollar an. Roger didn't, though. cotton pants, split from stim to stern. An' that son of a gun He hung on with the regular Muldoon pertinacity, and. av a ram has chewed a hatchway in the back av me coat, or bawled loud enough to raise the roof. l'm a liar!" The ram made for the front stoop. Investigation was in order. "Look out!" warned Muldoon', "the giraffe is at yez. It is By thi s time all of the gang were back on the front stoop, dead yez will be Steer the sucker, Roger!" including the alderman, who not being able to find a bull-The company upon the stoop heard the alarm. .lighter, had returned with a fire-key, and was only persuaded But tQ.ey were not quick enough in getting out of the way. by a chair to refrain from sending out an alarm, which would The ram butted Mrs. Muldoon downstairs, upset Mrs. Fitz have brought every fire engine in district to the spot at Murphy on top of her, _sent Algenon Lobscouse ov e r the railing once. and made Terry Rafferty walk out into the gutter on his hands. "Who brought the four-footed divil .into me house?" eternl7 Then he charged downstairs. asked Muldoon. "It'!j a buffalo! cried Denny Callahan, the "copper,'' as he There was a painful pause. got over the area gate. Then .Mrs. Muldoon faintly said: The ram bounced after him. "I did! "Open the basement windy, Johanna!" Denny bawled; "let Muldoon looked like a man who had nourished a serpent in me escape. He's got the hydrophobia." his bosom, and then been .stung by the ungrateful reptile. "Catch him by the tail, Roger, an' pull him back!" Muldoon "Bridget,'' he uttered, "haven't I always thrated yez welil? ordered, from the top of the stoop. Haven't yez always had all the ice-cream, an' bricks, an' oys-"Ma-ma-ma!" responded Roger, still holding on to the ters that yez desired?" chain. "Yes, Terry," sobbed his wife. "I'll bullet him!" desperately said the alderman, as he felt "Have I i.ver hit yez wid a.oything harder than a stove?" behind his pants for his pistol. "No, Terry." It was caught in his handkerchi. ef. "Did I iver give it away that yer teeth were fictitious, an' He tried to pull it out. that y e wor e bale cotton to plump out yez ankles?" There was a loud report, and lhll alderman dropped. "No, Terry. "Send for Bellevue Hospital; I'm shot through the-heart!" "Then, Bridget Muldoon, why did yez decaive me! Did yez he cried. MBegorra, bring me an American flag till I die in take me house for an aquarium, that yez could fill it full av it!" wild bastes?" "Get out av the way-the baste is at yez!" Muldoon cried. "No, Terry, wailed Mrs. Muldoon from under her hand-In a way that was very phenomenal for a dying man, the alkerchief, "but it was so chape. And the slaughter-house man derman got up and ran. said it was kind and gentle, and that when we got tired of "I'm going down to the City Hall to get a bull-fighter to kill having it for a pet we could ldll it for mutton." the baste!" he yelled as h e dusfed ar.ound the corne r "So h'e said it would make a pet?" "Begob, I'll lasso it," said Muldoon, struck with a sudden "Yes." idea. "I suppose ye thought yez could put a fairy blue ribbon He got a clothes-line from the kitchen. around its neck, and feed it on crackers and cheese, l\ke Mary The ram was still trying to get at Denny Callahan, who was Ann and her little lamb, that yez read about?" bravely repelling the attack with his club. "Yis, an' I had it tied up an' safe in the back ce!1ar ; an' it Muldoon formed the clothes-line into a lasso of a description would have been all right if Roger hadn't untied it to play and build the mere sight of which would have killed a pro-horse wid." fessional plainsman on the spot. Muldoon relented. He shut his eyes and cast it. It had plainly caught, for Mui-"I will acquit you this time, Bridget," said he, "but nlver doon felt the noose tighten. buy no more pets. Be Heaven, yez will be coming home some "Whoop!" Muldoon victoriously howled; "I'm sure ft is a day wid a white whale or a kangaroo in a cage Terry Rat prairie scout I ought to be. Caught the terror at one throw. erty, will you and the alderman convey the ram into the back Bedad, I'll cholrn the chest out av it!" yard? I'm going to dround it wld the hose." "Let me go!" called a voice. As he went through the hall, Mrs. Muldoon follo-wed him. "Never!" responded Muldoon. "Muldoon, ye bald-headtld old Mick," she said, when they

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, 4 MULDOON'S BOARDING HOUSE. were out of ear-shot Qf the rest, "I will never forgive yez talk ing to me before all av the boarders as it I was a nagur. Wait till we get to bed, Muldoon, ye wife-slugger, I'll pull Ivery whisker otf av ye, ye divil's gorilla! CHAPTER II. After the incidents which attended the opening of Muldoon's boarding-house, things ran on very smothly at that lovely retreat. But one day everything was upset. 'rhere Reemed to be mu.rder in the air. Mrs. Fitz Murphy's eldest son put a cannon firecracker in side the piano and blew the entrails out of that noble instrument. Alderman LobsCOl.\Se came home blind drunk, smashed the front door with his foot, and began flinging the furniture out of thE: window. Young Hippocra.tes Burns attempted to practice with Indian clubs, and broke seventy dollars' worth of looking-glasses, not to mention his own head. Egwardo Geoghegan and Terry Rafferty had a fight about an Oak street coquette and chased each other over the house with s)lotguns, while an aristocratic boarder named Blases, who said he was a Portuguese baron, was discovered trying to steal away with the parlor ornaments hid in a shawl. And to cap all, Mrs. Muldoon's ram, which Muldoon had not killed, got loose again, butted over the cooking !ltove and nearly set the whole house on fire. Muldoon went nearly wild. For an hour or so he contemplated running away from his boardi.ng-house, and goingi;o be a pearl-diver in the Erie canal, or some other foreign country. But finally he cooled down. "Bridget," said he, to his wife, "bring me a church choir of paper!" ''What for, Terence?" asked his wife, with woman s curiosity. "To paste over your mouth, ye apricot. Do yet bear in mind what Paddy said to the hand organ?" "What was it?" "Ax me no lies and I will tell yez no questions. Fetch me me curb-stone pointed pen and the ink aqueduct. Obediently Mrs. Muldoon obeyed. The required articles necessary for a feat of penmanship were at hand. "Now yez can retire to the b,ack balcony and look at the sun set," he said. Mrs. Muldoon retired. Muldoon scratched his lJ,ead and bit his pen. Then he bit his pen and scratched his h!J&d, both proceedings absolutely necessary to inspire thought. At last, after" he had upset his inkstand twice and spoiled eight sheets of paper, he wrote, in a hand resembling the foot marks of an intoxicated hen: "Board C. 0. D., invariably in advance. No trust to no body. "No getting sick. "By order of Terence Muldoon, Proprietor, Lessee and Man ager of Muldoon's Boarding-House (On the Hibernian Plan)." Muldoon copied off a dozen of these remarkable rules. He posted them all over the honse and put the biggest one on to the front door. "Shure, they bate the deck, he complacently said. "They will be filling me house wid the elite. It is buying the Fifth A venue Hotel for a bowling alley that I will be doing soon Hardly had tl;te ink dried upon the rules before a new boarder arrived. His name was Phelim O'Donnell. He hacl just landed, and he was as green as the grass in his native isle. Muldoon knew it. He instructed his wife to keep a careful watch upon the O'Donnell. "He is very rustic, Bridget," he said, "and tQ.e splendor av me establishment ap pals him. Kape an eye upon him or he will be having his head cut o!I by the elevator." She promised, and that night as Muldoon sat in his room smoking two-cent tobacco out of a one-cent pipe, he felt safe in his mind. "What is tbe greenhorn up to, Bridget?" he asked, as his wife entered to get a sci.ssors to open clams with. "Shure, he's safe," was the reply; "he's chasing cockroaches wid a club "Begob, I've a good notion to charge him a dollar extra for hunting," reflected Mulgoon, as he puffed away at his clay. Just as he did so, a violent uproar arose in the hall. Somebody was yelling "!lmrder!" somebody else was yelling '"fire!" a third somebody was laughing at the top of his voice, and there was a noise like escaping steam. "Holy Heavens!" cried Muldoon, as he jumped up. "I'll bet me head to a turnip that young is washing the ram wid hot wather Still the racket continued. He bounded out into-the hall. The O'Donnell was lying flat on the floor, kicking like a bull, while by his side was a red object like a small barrel. Leaning over the balusters was Terry R,afferty, laughing as if he would burst a lung. "Begorra!" gasped Muldoon ''the granehorn has got a spasm! Ra' fferty, ye son av a 'longshoreman, I belave yez would laugh at your own funeral." "Arrah-he111 kill me ex c u se d Raff erty. "He'll kill himself, more like. "What do yez suppose he done?" "What?" "Thrled to dhrink out av the fire extinguisher!.,'' The fire extinguisher was the pride of Mul:docin's heart. He had bought it at an auction and set it up in a prominent position In the hall, as a thing to be looked at and admired. "Rules of Muldoon's Boarding-house. Therefore Muldoon gave utterance to a cry of dismay. "Boarders will plaze not go to bed wid their boots on He rushed forward, and separated the O'Donnell from the "No horses, elephants, mules, white mice or other insects alfire extinguisher. lowed on the premises under penalty of the law. Going down upon his knees, he examined the latter. "No audible drunkenness. "Moses in the shoebrushes!" he yelled. "It is broken irre"Gint1emin will plaze bring their beer in from the saloon in trievably. Be Heavens! it couldn't put out a pin-wheel. All covered hogsheads, in order not to give it away to the neigh-av the gas has escaped. Phelim O Donnell, ye web-footed, bors. flannel-mouthed son av a hangman, stand up! "Furniture will not be allowed t b t k f th h Th_e O'Donnell, stil.l bawling witll fright, obeyed. o e a en rom e I "S1:ven dollars," said Muldoon, sternly. "No or Such an lnd1gest!on has my Ma11y AD;n. "Fwhat for? asked the O'Donnell No playmg forty-five for drinks, except Mr. Muld oon is in "For the gas." the game. "F f h t ... "Boarders will plaze put away back-talk in regard to the "Tohr w athgats 1 ft ,. menu in writing. E'. gas a e escape. ". "Photographs of Mr. Muldoon will be furnished free in the I n\ver saw it. protested 0 Donnell, if I had con cupola. The same will be charged upon the weekly board bill. th.at yez wanted. the gas not to e scape I would "Guests will plaze furnish their own spoons, table-cloths, at it. I. suppose.it ran by me while I wur down rings and bed-bug .?usmess S1ven dollars for the gas from the fire "Gents 0 t l t' 'd ill 1 extmgmsher. c n emp a mg suici e w P aze make use av the The O'Donnell gazed at the speaker in._ wonder. cellar. "Do yez call it a fire extingujsher?" he asked "Only one piece ef pie at a time. "Yis." "Mr. Muldoon will not be responsible for any valuables not "Begorr! I thought it wur a hydrant!" left in the refrigerator. "Yez wanted to drink out av it loike a fawn, sarcastically "Use of warmwater extra. said Muldoon. "I suppose ye thought yez would have coffee '"Ash-barrels will be found in the area for boarders returning syrup w,id cream by touching the knob." after four A. M:. "Divil a sivin dollars will I pay sturdily protested the "No playing av quoits with the plates at the table d'hote. O'Donneil; "faix, the roof av me mottth is all burnt olr now "Boarders will not bathe in the m1.iversal bathtub, except by It is a marked m en that I am internally." permit. Mutdoon was mad. "No spitting in the vases or in the water pitcher. He had fancied in his dreams the time when the hom e would

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MULDOON'S BOARDING HOUSE. get afire, and he, with the fire extinguisher on his back, would doon should do battle against Mr. Muldoon and Miss Nancy plunge madly through the flame and smoke, and put out the Krouse. conflagration, coupled with a half-column notice next morning Miss Nancy Krouse was the belle of the boarding-house; in the newspapers regarding the herqic action of Mr. MuiShe had strawberry hair, delicate ankles, wore zebra striped doon. stockings, worked in a bindery., and went to all of the moon-But thE! bright chimera was now scattered. light picnics. The fire extinguisher was empty-it was of no more practical She was a giddy coquette. use than a wash boiler. One of those agreeable daisies who would try to get a mash "Begob, he said, "if yez won't pay me the siven dollars yez on an orang-outang at a monkey show. go out av the chateau." "Ah, Mr. Muldoon," said she, with a killing smile, "wid you "I won't," said the O'Donnell; "I have paid me board for a for a pardner I could lick the whole world." week." "Begob, yez will have to lick the ould woman if ye keep on," "DivH a bit .do I care. I confisticate it. I belave yei are a reflected Muldoon, as he saw his wife glare over at him. Nihilist." 'Yezare such a handsome man," continued Miss Nancy. "Put me out! I have Daniel O'Connell blood in me veins." "Shure, I know it. Me photographs in the karacther ov "Yez stole it, thin. Terry Rafferty!" Venus are for sale at all ov the blacksmith shops," gallantly "Well, sir?" returned Muldoo12. "Open the front entrance till I inject the nuisance." Terence," savagely asked his wife, "are ye going to play O'Donnell, though, was not to be ejected so readily-. croquet, or are yez going to agitate that big mouth ov yez all "Whoop!" he remarked, "bounce ine, will yez? Brian Boron! 11ay?" I'll desiccate the whole castle. Whoop! ye devils, I am a son Thus questioned Muldoon Jed off. av ould Erin, and I am a murdherer! He did not pass the first wicket. "Yez are a son av a gun, and yez are P S.-no good," put in "Booby!" smiled Mrs. Muldoon. Muldoon, as he caught him by the shoulders. "Who is?" asked Muldoon. A lively tussle followed "Ye." Muldooi:i tried to slaughter the O'Donnell, and the O'Donnell "Why?" wanted to soak the floor with Muldoon. .. Ye didn't the first wicket." .As for Terry Rafferty, he r.o"vered about, calling out "time!" "I didn't want to. I intend io capthure this game by dip"encore!" "hit him again!" etc., in a impartial manner. lomacy. No individualities, Mrs. Muldoon, or I'll give it away Finally Muldoon prevailed. to the mob that you buy your wavy ringlets by the yard." He hurled O'Donnell through the daor and off of the stoop. Mrs. Muldoon felt like thaI!king her husband with the head "Lay in the gutter," bawled Muldoon, "till the asb-barouche of the mallet, but instead she struck at her. ball. comes afong and carries yez off to the dumping park!" By some phenomenon, it passed three wickets in safety. O'Donnell did not lay. Mrs. Muldoon, yez takes the cake," said the alderman. .. I Instead, he began bombarding the front door with bricks see ye play wid brain work." and mud. Mii;;s Na_ncy played next. Right in the midst of his little amusement, Callahan, the f:;he passed two arches, hit Mrs. Muldoon's ball, croqueted it copper, arrived. viciously into the kitchen window, and reached the turning-Denny was under a cloud. post all in one turn. He had not arrested or clubbed anybody for two days, or The _alderman threw down his mallet. eYen shot a mad dog, and he felt riley. "I resign," he said: He grabbed the O'Donnell by the collar. ''Why?" asked Muldoon. "Ah-ha! ye incendiary, I have yez," he said; "want to set "Yez can ring in no professionals on me." fire to the boarding-house, ye Rockaway fire-bug." "This is the second time I ever played," put in Miss Nancy, In vain the O'Donnell protested his innocence. flushed with victory. "Go ahead, Alderman." Denny took him to the station-house, charged him with al-The alderman played the game by muscle. most every crime on the calendar, and as the judge who pre-His science was great. sided wasn't in a particularly good humor, the O'Donnell got In four shots he had knocked a board out of the fence, killed six months for cruelty to animals. a cat, temporarily lamed Muldoon, and made the whole b:;i.ck Muldoon didn't care, for he had got his week's board ahead, yard look like a battle-field. and after all, the fire extinguisher, although useless, .made a "Fal x, I never worked so hard since I licked Paddy Ryan in nice ornament yet. siventee:n rounds for the championship of Coney Island, '."!be Soon after this little episode Mrs. Muldoon made a propo-said, as he rested perspiringly on his mallet. "Croquet is an sition. iligant game!" "Terence," said she, "we should amuse our boarders." M rs. Muldoon did not think so. "Whist, ould woman," was her husband's reply, "they have Miss Nancy was captivating Muldoon as good as she knew amusement enough already. Si:\ure, they can go over at any how. 1 time to Jimmy Burns, the undertaker, and look at the corpses, She was winking at l,J.im and pressing his arm and flirting or else they can go up on the roof and fish for sparrows. Would him generally, Muldoon feeling as if, after all, he was a yez have me procure a fountain to play in front of the house, killer with the fair sex. and rig up a thrapeze on the back balcony?" At iast Mrs. Muldoon could stand it no longer. "Arrah, no-rall I want av yez is to get a set av croquet. we Krouse, ye leave to-morrow," she burst out. can play iligantly in the back yard." .. Why?" asked Miss Nancy, appearing wonderfully sur" I suppose yez will be axin' me to dig out a fish-pond for the p!ised. boarders to catch whales in next," growled Muldoon. This is a dacent house." Mrs. Muldoon tickled him gently under the chin. "What of it?" "Now, Terry, me own daisy mick, yez can't refuse your "I will have no carryings on in it." darling such a little request," she pleaded; "think how high"What have I done?" toned it will be?" "Yez are endeavoring to enchant me husband, ye gypsy sor-Perhaps this last sentence reconciled Muldoon to the idea. ceress." Or maybe it was his wife's cajolery. Miss Krouse elevated her head. Anyhow, he went out and bought the biggest and worst set 'Mr. Muldoon is a gentleman," she emphatically said. "He of croquet he cpuld find anywhere, and had it SP.nt home on a is too good for a Galway hussy with feathers on her tongue.,. furniture truck for the benefit of the neighbors. Mrs. Muldoon burst out crying. He arranged the back yard for the game. "Terence, protect me?" she cried. The back yard was about as well suited for croquet as the "Shure, ye're tough and old enough to protect yerself, cal-side of the house would have been. lously replied Muldoon, prudently retreating. Half of it was down hill. "She says I have feathers me tongue." The rest up hill. 'Scrape it, thin." In the centre was a sort of amateur alley, filled with slops, a "Yez are capping in for the red-headed blonde against yer dead cat or two, kitchen refuse and old shoes. Truly it was a own and lawful wife," Mrs. Muldoon howled. ..I'll scratch her beautiful spot to play croquet in. face till it luks loike a cranberry pie!" By perseverance Muldoon got the hoops. set, and the stakes She rushed at Miss Nancy to earn out her threat. planted. "Save me from the maniac!" begged Miss Krouse, trying to Then he wanted a party to play. get behind Muldoon. It was arranged that Alderman Lobscouce and J14.rs. MuiBut he,. like a .wise man, got on top of tlie fence. -

PAGE 8

6 :MULDOON'S BOARDING HOUSE. "Catch her by the legs and throw her over your head!" he ( yelled to Mrs. Muldoon. "Room for the faymale ooxers!" Mrs. Muldoon and Miss Nancy collided violently. Down they on the ground in a 1'.llixed-up mess. "No fall," sternly said Muldoon. "Luk out for the fiower-pots-yez will paralyze the ver benas! the alderman cautioned. It seemed for a while as if the ladies would tear each other into fragments. They fought, bit, scratched and clawed in a .manner which tended to support the theory that women are closely all1ed to cats. Suddenly right in the midst of the conflict there was a re port. Muldoon uttered a cry of pain and tumbled off the -fence. "Be Heavens! yelled he, "I am a dead man. Sind for a surgeon!" The fight was stopped at once. Both of the fair boxers and the alderman ran to the spot where Muldoon lay groaning. The alderman rolled him over on his face. About a yard' of stick protruded out from amidst Muldoon's coat tails. The alderman examined it. "Begorra, it's a sky-rocket!" he wonderingly exclaimed. "Bring me a stretcher, and go for a praste," M;uldoon requested. "Bridget, yez will find me latest will in the cuspa dor on top av the bookcase. It laves all av me property to meself." "Get up, man," ordered the alderman; "ye are not hurt." "On your worrud, alderman?" "Upon me sacred dignity," answered the politician, Lob scouse. Muldoon arose. "I believe yez are a liar,,. he remarked. "I must be wounded internally for I can taste the blood in my mouth.-'' "Oh, Terry!" Mrs. Muldoon said, -.'how did it occur?" Muldoon's eyes fl.ashed, and he hit one hand against the other. "I wur setting over the fence watching av the Grreco-Roman wrastle," he began. "Yfs," chimed in everybody. Part av me anatomy was exposed over in Mulcahy's yard." "Yis," went in chorus again. "Mulcahy got onto me." "Shure, I didn't notice him on yez," said Mrs. Muldoon. "Figuratively speaking, woman. I mane to say that he caught sight av me. He whispered to his son Michael--" "A young jailbird." "So he is, !very hair. As I wur saying, he whisperea to the young tarrier, and before I wur aware av it Michael came out wid a big sky-rocket, planted it beneath me, got the wind gauge, and exploded it upward. Be Heavens, I thought I wur kilt." "Bad cess to the Mulcahys," said Miss Nancy, forgetting all hard feelings as she assisted Mrs. Muldoon to do up her back hair. "Their doom is sealed," solemnly remarked Muldoon "I have rung in wid their milkman. I intend to get the sucker paralyzed drunk and put Paris green in their milk." Just here the supper1 bell rang. All went in to supper, and plans for retaliation against the Mulcahys were postponed for future discussion When supper was about half through, Muldoon got up. "Ladies and gentll'!men," he Eaid, "there will be one more boarder added to the gang to-night. I expect him every moment. n "Is it an adult?" simpered Polly Daddle, an old ma{d. "No. it is a man." "What does the riddle call himselt?" Edwardo Geoghegan inquired. "Pedro Guligani." "Holy Moses!" shouted Edwardo, "it is a gutthersnipe!" "A what?" queried Mrs. Fitz Murphy. "A monkey-ater. A son av a hand-organ from Italy. The alderman put down his knife and fork. "Mr. Muldoon," said he, "yez may put me Saratogy thrunk upon the sidewalk. I move this instant!" "Why?" Muldoon asked, in bewilderment. "No Italian chape labor for me. The dirty macaroni chewers!" "I skip, too," said Edwardo. vDitto," said Terry Rafferty. "Allow me to say," said Mrs. Fitz Murphy, "that ltallans are as good as any of us." "Thrue for yez," backed up Terry Rafferty, who sides like a weather-cock. "I'd like an Italian for a beau," sighed Miss Krouse. "Faix,' they're just abou t yo u r stripe," snickered Mrs. Fits Murphy. Then ensued wordy war. One faction wanted the Italian as a member of tr..e menag. erie and the other did not. Things rapidly approached a climax. Edwardo Geoghegan got up on his chair to lick Terry Raf ferty, Mrs. Fitz Murphy prepared to cave Miss Nancy's in with the castor, while Miss Nancy prepared to counter with a plate, and war was visible upon all sides. "For Heaven' s sake," implored Muldoon arising and wav ing the carving-knife, "sit down, all av yez. Think av the reputation av me boarding-house! CHAPTER III. Muldoon's words did not seem to have the slightest effect lipon the boarders. They did not appear to care a copper for the reputation Of his boarding-house. "Begorra, I will notstay it ye confiscate me valise," said the alderman; "if we get a bloody Italian in here it is macaroni we'li be having for supper, dinner and aessert. It is a moon eyed leper av a Chinaman yez will be having next, Mr. Mul doon, and filling us full av dog-pie." "Shure, I don't object to an Italian," said Terry Rafferty. "Anybody who's mother was an Esquimau squaw shouldn't be about blood." said Edwardo Geoghegen. "It's l>etther than having a father who died wid his hair cut," retorted Terry. "Please explain," requested Edwardo. "Ye know that yer father got six years for stealing tin cents off av a dead man's eyes, and died on the Island." "Yez are a liar." ''Yez are a double one Edwardo took of!'. his coat. ''Terence. Rafferty," he said, a /he pulled up his shirt-sleeves, ye have been to your last moonlight picnic. Yez are doomed with a big D." "Get out, you gas-house terrier," politely replied Terry. "I will break yez up so minute that it is Geoghegan soup we will ate for supper." "Don't fight," pleaded Nancy Krouse, catching hold of Ed wardo' s arm. "Stand aside, ye fairy queen," advised Edwardo; "lock the door and get out, all av ye. "What for?" asked Miss Nancy. "I want to kill him widout witnesses. It was too much trouble to walk around by the wall after Terry, and therefore Edwardo pedestrinated over the table. He shook it violently as he did so, and a bowl of hot soup spilled all over Muldoon. He jumped violently up, slipped, and fell down upon the floor under the table. "Show me the sucker that hit me and I'll paralyze him," he yelled. "Mrs. Muldoon put ice on me head to kape me cool, or there will be blood shed." Meanwhile Terry and Edwardo had got at one another. They were having a r.egular rough-and-tumble in the most approved Battery style. "Is this a free foight?" asked Mike Magee a very quiet boarder, who kept a blac'ksmith shop, of the alderman. "Yis," was that dignitary's reply. "Anybody can inter?" "Yis." "Yez are sure?" "Yis." That was all that Mr. Magee desired. He hauled oft' and hit the alderman a crack in the jaw that nearly knocke d him through the side of the house. "Bedad," roared Mr. Magee, "this is a free fight and I am it. Whoop! I'm a Tipperary wild ape, and can ate men, women and children." "Bad cess to yez sure yez have dislocated me jaw," wailed the alderman. "Howly murder, 1 :11 strike ye wid spasms." The alderman grabbed hold of a smoked ham. Creeping up behind M,gee he let him have it on top of the head. Magee went down like a bull. "Whirra, I am a hard hitter from Rockaway," blowed the al derman, strutting up and down; "I am half hyena and halt tiger. I am--" Here the alderman dropped. Somebody hit him with a chair and he went down to gaze at the pictures on the carpet.

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MULDOON'S BOARDING HOUSE. 7 The fight had become general. All hands were involved in it, and it was literally a free fight. Everybody felt perfectly free to hit everybody else, and did so. Muldoon had bawled at the contestants at the top of his voice, but he might as well have walked around the block and whispered into a letter-box for all the good it did. "Gentlemen-leddies!" he begged, "for Heaven's sake mod erate your enthusiasm. Kape yer shirts on, will yez? This is a dacent house; it is not a menagerie. Please kape quiet or it will be ten dollars or ten days for the whole lot av yer,." The boarders refused to stop their circusing. They began to utilize the furniture for belligerent purposes. Muldoon got wild. "Begorra!" he gasped, "Edwardo Geoghegan, dhrop that chair. Sure, they cost me fifty cints a dozen. If yez will kill Rafferty, do it wid a spittoon." Edwardo refused to listen. He flung the chair at Rafferty, who agilely dodged The chair spun through the air, upset a picture, and smashed into parts against the wall. Muldoon got the ambitious Edwardo by the neck, and slugged him under the ear. "Lave go av me!" bawled Edwardo. "I'll cut yez!" ,;;If yez do an' I find it out I'll butcher yez!" threatened Mul doon. "Yez are all a pack of darty loafers." Do yez hear that, b'ys?" vociferated Edwardo. "The gorilla insinuates that we are all darty loafers Let' s clane out this ould morgue. "The boarding-house is a morgue, is it?'' asked Muldoon. "Yis," replied Edwardo. "A morgue is a place where they store corpses." "Yez are right!" "Thin, Edwardo G eoghegan, yez will be the first corpse in the morgu'e;" and Muldoon stood up and somehow knocked Edwardo in the back of the neck in a wa y which completely pz:ostrated that bad man. "Oh, gracious, he's killed!" walled Miss Nancy. "Go for the murdherer!" cried Terry Rafferty. They did go for poor Muldoon on all siqes. They got him up in a corner, and piled chairs onto him, and kicked him, and hit him, and called him names, and otherwise abused him. How long the :fight would have kept up is a question, had it not been for the arrival of Mrs. Muldoon's ram. Young Roger Muldoon had strolled up into the bath-room He suddenly reflected what a good chance it was to put the ram into the bath-tub, and give it a hot bath. The fact that the ram was bigger than the bath-tub did not bother Roger in the least. Accordingly he filled the tub full of water, and released the ram. Without the least warning the ungrateful beast butted Roger headfirst into the tub, and careened downstairs full tilt. It stopped at the dining-room door, and took a survey of the insurrection inside. A free fight," it seemed to say. "Oh, count me In!" It commenced operations by butting the alderman through the front window. Then it slung Mrs. Muldoon into the china closet, and fired :Mike Magee after her. A squad of police could not have cleared that room as effectively as the ram did. Soon nobody was left but Muldoon. He attempted strategy. He crept slowly along the edges of the room toward the door. "Ah, old man," he to himself, "it is a magnificent brain-pan yez own. Ye are a natural-born diplomat, and yez name should be changed to Napoleon. See me get away from the buffalo." He chuckled a little too soon. The ram suddenly rushed across the room, and knocked him into a -little closet. Tb.ere was a dumb-waiter in the little closet. Muldoon bounced u12on It. It was loaded with aishes. Down it went, to his great consternation, landing him with a bump upon the kitchen floor, and firing h i m out, amidst a shower of broken crockery, to the terrific surprise of Johanna, the cook, who immediately went into kicking fits. "Begob, it war a bull's-eye for the ram," groaned Muldoon picking himself up. After a lively and exciting chase by all hands, the ram was secured and fastened down into the sub-cellar, young Roger be, ing picked ou.t of the bath-tub, and promised to have his head chopped off i! he ever touched the gentle beast again. As was usual In Muldoon's boarding-house, everybody was as good friends again in half an hour as if they ha.d never disagreed. While they were sitting on the back stoop that night, they noticed a black object hoppfilg down the ya.rd. "Wfi.at is it?" asked1 Mrs. Fitz Murphy. "Perhaps It is a bison,'" hazarded Miss Paddle, who got com pletely over her head when she talked natural philosophy. "I think meself it is e whale," sarcastically said Muldoon. "Shall I go down and talk up its antecedents?" "Yis," said everybody. Muldoon went down He gazed upon the creature. A holy light beamed upon his countenance. "Bridget!" he bawled to his wife, "sind Johanna out wld the wash boiler to the Dutchman's, afther a gallon av Milwaukee. By Heavens I have sthruck a bonanza.." "What?" queried his wife. "Mulca.hy's educated bull toad!" "An e ducated bull toad?" Miss Paddle asked. "Yis replied Muldoon, as he put the creature in his pocket, "and he calls it Mary Ann because, he says, it has such. a.n edu cation." ""\\'hat can it do?" "Fa.ix, iverything. It can climb up a. fairy ladder and ring a dumb-bell; shoot off a little cannon, and get drunk a.s natur ally as a man. Mulcahy lassoed it wid a crab net back av Mon treal. It wur floating down the Potomac on a cake av lee." wm you keep it?" Miss Krouse asked. "I intend to explode it, said Muldoon "I will get with Mulcahy, if blood flows loike wather. Terry Rafferty, ye boulevard cockroach!" Terry Rafferty, used to these little pet names of aftection, smilingly responded. "Have yez any firecrackers left over from the Fourth av July? Shure, I saw yez blowing up Mrs. McCarthy's ash barrel as if yez were not yet out av pantalettes." Terry blushingly acknowledged that he had one cracker left. "A big one," he said "Produce it before the court," Muldoon ordered. Terry brought it. Muldoon shoved it down into the frog's stomash, it being one of these animals' peculiarities that you can stuff almost any thing into their stomachs with very little effort. The :firecracker fitted nicely. The stem just !1-PPeared out o( the frog's mouth. "Shure, he was born for the business, declared Terry Raf ferty. "Shall I set the fireworks off, sir?" "Won't it hurt the poor creature?" put In Miss Paddle. Divil a bit, ma'am, was Muldoon s reply, "he won't know that he is dead till afther he' s been kllt, and then he'll wond her how it was done so quickly. Terry, will yez assist m.e? Confine the noble bird to the fence." Mr. Rafferty did. The frog was soon securely affixed to the fence which parted the Muldoon and Mulcahy demesnes. ''Sure, the pyrotechnics would be incomplete without the presence of Mulcahy," said Muldoon. "Will yez halloo for him, Edwardo Geoghegan?" Edwardo was nothing loath. Edwardo had occasionally sang !or days beside a clam wagon and c onsequently he had a voice which would have aroused the envy of an army mule. "Mike Mulcahy, ye bald-headed old bum, come out!" he yelled. Mulcahy responded. He appeared upon his piazza. with an a.x in his hand. "Touch off the bull toad," said Muldoon. Rafferty did so. Little sparks of fire from the cracl!'.er's stem began to spit in to the air. "What do yez want?" Mulcahy inquired, peering over the fence. "Luk at the bull toad, ye terrier! Luk at the bull toad!" shrieked Muldoon. Mulcahy gazed. He beheld his precious petlashed to the top of the fence emitting fire. Holy Moses! what alls the frog?" cried he. "Luk at the bull toad, ye terrier! Luk at the bull toad!"' re p e ated Muldoon. Hardly .had the words left his mouth before there was a ftash and a. sudden report. Mulcahy's educated frog Mary Ann, flew In all directions. '"That pays up for ilivatlng me wid a sky-rocket." Mulcahy did not think so. "Ye have kilt poor Mary Ann," cried he. ''The ivldence points to slch a result," admitted Muldoon.

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8 MULDOON'S BOARDING HOUSE. "I wlll have yez arrested." "Ye cannot." "Why not?" "I run solid wld the masses. My perlitlcal inflooence wid the court-house is stupendous. Mulcahy, I havethe best av ye, ye Tipperary bum boat woman." "I will be revenged," Mulcahy declated, as he vanished to pick up what he could of his educated frog, "or me name Is Dennis wld a big D." We have betore mentioned that Hippocrates Burns was a boarder at Muldoon's. Hippocrates was a genius. At least he so imagined. He. wore his hair long, sported a low collar, which nearly ex posed his bosom, wrote poetry, and had a mania for musical instruments. First he bought an accordeon. Muldoon sutrered in silence. Next he purchased a guitar. Muldoon ground liis teeth. At last Hippocrates got hold of a big trombone, and began practicing "Grandfather's Clock." with variations. The varia tions were worse than the original clock, If possible. Muldoon could stand It no longer. One night, after Hippocrates had favored the neighborhood with trombone solos for three hours and a quarter, he called him down. 1 "Hippocrates Burns," he solemnly said, "do yez wish to convert me establishment Into a mad-house?" Hippocrates denied any such desi:e. "Thin," said Muldoon, "yez must embalm it." "Embalm what?" queried Hinpocrates. "The trombone." "An' why?" "Yez will make a graveyard out av the block if yez keep on with your playing. It is a misdemeanor." "Mrs. Jiggers, across the way, says she likes it; it makes her think of the days of youth," pleaded 'Hippocrates. "Very probably Mrs. Jiggers tinded monkeys In a menagerie when she was a girl." "Old Colonel Balls likes it, toe." "Old Colonel Balls is as deaf as a stone -wall. Shure, he would enjoy a boiler manufactory over his head. Hippocrates, I am giving it to yez for your own good." "Why?" "Yez know Terry Rafferty?" "Yis."_ "He bought a horse-pistol and a carbine last night, an' in quired av me very quietly if yez had any relatives who would be desirous to hear of yer death." Hippocrates appeared to give up. He put his trombone away for a while and dissembled. But he was resolved upon revenge. A new .boarder at Muldoon's was Doctor Victor Napoleon Rochambeau. He was French. He was fiery. He had an idea that he was the smartest man France ever produced, and, as a physician. simply "la grande." \ Somehow, though, Americans, as a p e ople, did not think so. The doctor's practice was very small. But seeing that.he paid his board, Muldoon did not care if the only patient he ever had was a sick cow. One evening, the doctor sat in the parlor reading a very big and no doubt Yery fascinating work on tumors: We assume that it was very fascinating, for the doctor paid no attention to several remarks addressed to him by others. "Faix, he 's completely evaporated in the ould book," said Muldoon "Let's wake him up," suggested Hippocrates. "How?" "I will get my trombone." "Shure, that would wake the dead." "You can take it and blow into his ear. See him jump!" The idea appeared yery humorous to Muldoon. "Procure the creature.".he said. Hippocrates was rather long in returning with the instru ment. He explained it by stating that he had mislaid the trombone and could not find it at first. Still there was a quiet smile of a fiendish nature which should have warned M uldoon, though probably be did not notice it. "It will not explode?" Muldoon remarked, a he took the trombone. MOh, no!,, ''There is no touching av a concealed spring and having a. dagger inter yer hand?" "Nothing at all." "Whist, then, see me wake up ould trog-eater. Be Heavel!s, I will blow his ear off! Muldoon crept up behind the engrossed doctor with a cat-like tread. He put the trombone to his lips and took a deep breath. Placing the mouth of the instrument at the doctor's ear, h& blew violently. There was a muffled sound, and a perfect cloud of ftour is sued forth and covered the doctor. "Holy Jerusalem!" gasped Muldoon, "I have blown t,he intrails out av the trombone!" The doctor jumped up as if somebody had touched hllll with a red-hot poker. "Mon Dieu!" he stuttered from out of a floury mouth. "Vat beggar did zat zing?" "Me," said Muldoon. "Vat for you do it?" "For fun." "By gar, sir, you call dat fun. Sacre, blmeby you come up-here an' cut ze leg off of me. Zat you call fun, sare?" "Begob, yez luk lolke a snow-man," grinned Muldoon. This only got the Frenchman wilder. "You vos one Irish pig," he said. "'By Heaven, I always suspected it," answered Muldoon, good-humoredly. "You smell vare bad." "Deluge me wid gulf rum, ye Parisian coquette." "You vos nobody's son. By gar, sare, you vos a-vot you call it-a-a Fenian. Zere, zat is vat you was." "Oh. go rub against !1 broom and relieve yourself a:v flour," Muldoon advised. "Faix, it ls a beautiful statue yez would make for a summer garden. Or Perhaps it is an ornamental fountain we could make av yez wid wather spurting from yer head." The fiery doctor got madder than a monkey with its tail cut off. He hopped around like a puppet in a Punch and Judy show, and actually spit at Muldoon Zere!" he bawled. "I offer you insult vorse zan I vould to von p ig. You must fight me ze duel." "Dodhur Rollinspikes," solemnly said Muldoon, "yez have salivated upon me personality." "Zen fight me ze duel." "Shut up, ye frog-ater or I'll spit on yez in return and dround yez As I were saying, ye have insulted me and--" "Zen fight me ze duel." "You have offered gross indignation to me person and to me--" "Zen fight me ze duel!'' bawled the doctor, dancing mani a.call)' around. Utterly out of patience, Muldoon picked him up bodily. ''Open the door of the morgue, Hippocrates," he said. It was done. Muldoon fired the doctor out of the house and down thefront stoop. "There is an Italian organ-grinder around the corner who has lost his .monkey," sarcastically shouted Muldoon. "Ye will get the situation upon application." The poor doctor was out into the street. His fioury aspect and general comical expression drew a c rowd of boys. They call ed him names, pelted mud at him, and otherwiseabused him. He started to get into Muldoon's again. Muldoon's form barred the way. "No return checks," he said, gruffly. I want to get In." "Shure, I jest fired yez out." "I Yos not a spectacle for ze boulevard." go to the Battery." "Hurray!" yelled the crowd Qi boys, and a brick whizzed past the doctor's head. All of his valiant feelings had evaporated. "Monsieur Muldoon," he said, "I make ze apology." "-rez can't here," sturdily replied Muldoon. "I have .no Ii cense for a manufactory." I beg ze pardon. "Now ye are talking Am e rica n. Ye may enther, but it is + wo dollars more a week you will have to pay me for rescuing yez from the infuriated mob!" ''Mon Dieu and zey call zie: ze land of ze free, growled the doctor, as he ducked in.

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MULDOON'S BOARDING HOUSE. 9 CHAPTER IV. which he had bought at an auction just because it was cheap and might come in handy if he wanted to go whale fishing ever. "Muldoon," said his wife one day, "have yez read the papers this morning?" "I have not," was the E!mphatic reply. "An' why?" "Bekase I am qualifying meself for jury duty. Whin I for get all av me book larning intirely, I intend. to run for alder' man. But why do yez ax me the riddle, Bridget?" "Bekase av the robbery.'' "What robbery?" "There was a house on Fifth avenue entered last night, the t>eople garroted with chloroform, an' everything valuable took away in a hand-cart." "What do I care if they took it away in a hand-wagon." "But robbers might enter here. What would yez do?" "Begorra, I'd wait till they found something valuable and take it away from them. Shure, if they'd only purloin Hippo crates Burns' trombone I'd stand in wid the gang. Mrs. Muldoon, however, did not consider it a subject for joke. She kept on at Muldoon until he finally got a burglar alarm. It was fixed up with the greatest care on every door and window, and Muldoon became quite proud of it. He showed it to all his friends, and expatiated upon its merits. "I set the alarm," he said, an if a burglar tries to get in; in five seconds is a precinct of police, a regiment of sol diers, and a fire boat at the house. Begorra, it is a foine in-vention t" Muldoon soon had reason to change his mind. It happened thus: He was out to a small party at Cornelius Flynn's, the hatter. They had singing. They had dancing. They had rale ould Kilkenny whisky that would warm the pulse of a stone man. Wbat with the whisky and the other enjoyments, Muldoon started for home in a rather uncertain state. It would be a big lie to say that he was drunk, but it would be a bigger to say .that he was sober In fact, he was in that jovial condition when he would have liked to tie a string to the moon and fly it for a kite. He tripped gayly up his front stoop. "Rise, Sally, rise, Wipe your eyes out Wid yer frock, As sung by--" warbled he, suddenly stopping 0in the midst 'Of the chorus. "Howly Moses in a ham-basket!" ejaculated he, "if I haven't forgot me night-key! Shure, I loaned it to the alderman to put on his shoes wid, an' the sucker has neglected to re.turn it!" Here was a dilemma. Two o'clock in the morning. "If I ring Mrs. Muldoon up she'll play Indian wid me an' scalp me wid a poker," he reflected. "Perhaps, the basement door is ajar." He went to look. The basement door was most permanently and persistently locked. He was meditating whether or not. it would pay to crawl down through the coal-hole, when one of the lower windows attracted his eye. A car. eless servant had left it unlatched. But in his joy Muldoon could have presented the careless servant girl with a gold medal. "Be Heavens! I am saved!" he joyfully exclaimed. "I can creep in, turn the clock around to nine P. M., and give the old woman a divil av I},. lecture for going to bed so early." Full of the noble scheme he raised the window. Mrs. Muldoon, tired of waiting for the return of her lord, had gone to bed. Previously she set the alarm. The result of Muldoon's window Fais1ng was that he gave the burglar alarm all over the house. Mrs. Muldoon gave vent to a shrill shriek. "Burglars!" she bawled. Everybody was astir. Edwardo Geoghegan appeared with a double-barreled shot gun, which, as the hammers were missing, and one barrel gone, was not the most deadly weapon possible. Terry Rafferty loomed up picturesquely in a nightshirt two sizes too small, 'and a perfect terror of a sword, which was constantly getting between his legs and tripping him up. Even Hippocrates Burns sallied forth with a rusty harpoon, But the alderman was a terror. He had a big razor in one hand and a hatchet in the other. "Show me the robber!" requested he. "Begorra, I'll butcher the mob. Mrs. Muldoon, me blood is up; sind for am bulances. "Where are the banditti?" asked Hippocrates. ''The who?" asked Edwardo. "The banditti." "Is it alive?" Hippocrates mildly explained, as he came within an ace of running his harpoon into the alderman's that banditti meant robbers. "Thin say so," reproved Edwardo. "This is not a time to talk in Portuguese. Mrs. Muldoon, where did the alarm originate?" "The basement window," sobbed she, "and I left twelve nap kin-rings, real fire-gilt on top av the refrigerator." "Lade on, alderman," sternly said Edwardo. "If I acci dentally get killed and I don t recover, yez will wake me wid elegance, Mrs. Muldoon?" Mrs. Muldoon promised. But the prospect of the sudden end of the noble Edwardo so overpowered her that she felt she would faint. "Air-air!" she cried. "Johanna," ordered Edwardo, to the trembling servant girl, "procure a peck av air for your mistress. Fan her wid yer shoe." The alderman started downstairs. Terry Rafferty followed, w hile Edwardo brought up the rear. Hippocrates went third. From some mysterious source he had procured a dark lantern. He flashed it about in a style which caused the rest of the party to jump with surprise at about every step. When
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MULDOON'& BO.ARDING HOUSH. "Thank Heaven-it is some of the hoarders!" said Muldoon, rushing forward to meet them. The alderman construed the act into a hostile demonstration. By the dim light which issued through the open door he could just see "Surrender, you thafe! he ye.J.led, waving his razor, "or I ll cut the whole neck off av yez! "Shall I shoot the sucker?" said Edwardo, fooling with his wonderful gun. "Don't y e z recognize me?" asked Muldoon, -recoiling. "Ye are Sing Sing Jack," sternly replied the alderman. "Surrender!" ""Why are ye,not at yer duty, Denny?" asked Muldoon "Divil a dog." was Vl'enny's reply. "Have yez caged them all?" "Ivery wan." "Denny, you rascal," jocularly said Muldoon, "ye are giving me salt on a bird's tail. 1'here is a most ferocio .us beast av a dog outside. "Is he muzzled?" "No. Not even a bit av courlplaster on his mouth." "Who does he belong to?" "Nobody. Begob I conjecture he has the hydrophobia. He was trying to ate a lamp-post when I entered." "I am Terence Muldoon. "You are a liar!" "But I can prove it." I But .Denny did not appear to b e very de s irous of catching the dog. The liquor saloon was cool and shady the street was warm and dusty. Besides, it was quite a distance to the "Yez can prove nothing. Hould up yer hands. or I'll yez wid me tomahawk!" brain pound. Muldoon's temper, never of the most peaceabl e, b egan to rise. "Get out av the way, ye galoot," said he. "I want to go upstairs." "To murdher Hippocrates Burns and stale his magic la.ntern? Never! said the alderman. Muldoon attempted to get past. The result was a free fight. It was three against one, and the ending could easily be pre dicted. They got Muldoon down and pounded him till he bawled for mercy. "Yield, villain!" dramatically sai d Terry Rafferty. "Go soak yer head-get off av m e," mumbled.trYiuldoon. Bedad it's a put-up job to assassinate me!" "We have him dead," announced the alderman. "Edwardo." "Yis, sur." "Go upstairs." "Yis, sur." "And tell Hippocrates to come down wid his calcium light. I belave it is Chinese Barney we have captured." Edwardo went. Apparently upon thP, wings of the wind, because it was not over a m inute b e fore -he with Hippocrates and his lantern. He flashed it, by some wonderful accident, just where it was wanted, upon Muldoon's face. There was a universal-cry of astonishment. "Yez may swallow your artillery sword, Terry, qui'etly re marked the alderman. "It is Muldoon." A.nd a most battered up Muldoon too. His eyes were b o t h black, and his nose was awful proud. It had swelled to double its usual size His jaw was cut, and his hands f earfully scratched. "Look at me," he said. "Here Is a sign-board for a hospital." "Ye should not have pedestrianated through the windy, sagely said the alderman. ""Wily? .. "Yez rang the burglar alarm. We tuk ye for a thafe. A light dawned upon Muldoon He went to his wife's room as If he was bound to b eat the record. "Mother av Moses!" cried she, "have yez been clubbed b y the police, Terry? Faith, the soight av yez would scare a horse car off av the track!" "Procure me a boat-hook!" savagely requested Muldoon "I intend to pull down ev ery burglar alarm in the house. Mrs. Muldoon yez will e ntice me to wife-murdher wid your grand new notions! He was as good as his word. Thereafter the boardi ng-house was bereft of burglar alarms, and Muldoon did not go out for a week. "Bedad, afther this, I'll have a gross av n ight keys made and carry twelve in me socks," he said. He got well just in time to perpetrate another brilliant bull. Mrs. Muldoon owned a yellow dog. So did the Mulcahys. They were .almost alike, and it was very hard to tell them apart. In order to do this Muldoon procured a blue collar for his dog. Not to be left behind, Mulcahy decked his canine up in a pink one. One afternoon Muldoon was loafing In front of the house when he saw what he thought to be Mulcahy's dog, making love to an ash-barrel. "Blessed Vargfn!" chuckled he, "there is Mulcahy's bull ter rier. And he ain't got a muzzle. Muldopn, it is your duty, as a citizen, to arrlst the terrier." Muldoon proceeded down to Bernard McNulty's, who kept a family liquor store on the corner. There he found Denny 3ullivan, a red-headed, broad-shoul dered young chap, who served the city as a dog catcher, loafing around. Muldoon stirred him up. "Denny," said he, "if yez will stroll forth an' capture the kiyoodle, I will give yez a dollar. Denny would have captured his own grandmother for that sum. He went out into the street with Muldoon The dog was there yet, head over heels into a soap box. Denny was up behind him in a minute. In another minute the dog was a captive. "Phat do they do with the divils up at the pound?" Inquired Muldoon "Drownd 'em," Denny answered. "Does any dog ever escape by swimming?" "Niver." "But this one may," reflected Muldoon. "Denny, will yez furst hit the dog wid an ax before yez drown him?" Denny promis ed. "And sind him upon the ocean blue wid a paving-stone around his bust?" Denny promis ed this, too. "Thin may Heaven speed yez," fervently said Muldoon, as he went home. ._ He passe d the Mulcahy reside nce with a chuckle on his lips. .Mulcahy ye African mick, y ez may put crape upon yer door -yer dog is dead he said. feeling good all over. Supper was r eady when he got in the house. The boarders were laughing. heartily at something. Muldoon wanted to find out what the joke was. "Yez are v ery hilarious, he remarked. "Phat i nstitutes the jocularity?" .. u c h a joke, snickered Miss Fresh. w hat was?" "Edwardo s "What did he do? Mix e d the dogs." "Edwardo, ye rascal," smiled Muldoon, "what little butter cup business have ye been at?" Edwardo g rinned the grin of a man who had done some-thing awfully c omi c al. Yez should hav e perceived Mulcahy?" he said. "Phat did the o rang-outang do?" Clubbed his o w n dog w i d a ball bat. Shure, it was fun." Ddwardo, ye z are de claiming in conundhrums," said Muldoon; "why did Mulcahy chastise his canine wid a ball bat?" Cos h e thought it was yours. "An' why?" "Didn;t I get the dogs this morning and change their collars '!" Muldoon' s fa c e got as white as a sheet. "Ye chang ed the dogs' colla r s, ye c ross-ey e d offspring av a jail-bird!" he yelled as he dropped the pickle he was about to bite. "Yis" "Thin Edwardo Geoghegan!" excla imed Muldoon, "ye have ruined Be Heavens, I have pai d a dollar to have me own dog drowned! So he had. He rushed s traight up to the dog pound. H i s dog had not yet got drow;ned, but it cost him two dollars to get the creature out of the clutches of the law. For about a week after that it was not safe to mention dog to Muldoon. And Edwardo, gifted w ith g r eat wisdom, had. his meals sent to his room and kept out of Muldoon s way. Muldoon was never In his life out of a scrape for over a week at a time. There seemed to be a malicious genius pursuing him who was always getting him in some trouble or other. It was terribly hot one day. One of those blistering, sweltering days which sometimes

PAGE 13

MULDOON'S BOARDING HOUSE. ll sweep suddenly over New York and render it a sort of oven. A day when even the bricks sweat, so to speak. Most of Muldoon's boarders had knocked off work and come home long before supper. They sat aboJlt the yard, a sweaty, collarless, hatless crowd of growlers. As for Muldoon himself, he was swearing at the weather with forty horse power. He' was stripped to his undershirt, and had a fan as big as a front door in his hand, but still he was getting hotter all of the while. "I'd give tin cents to be a haythen like those in the g eogra phy picthures, for thin all av the dress I would require would be a turkey feather in me hair," groaned Terry Rafferty. Bedad, the fiesh is running off av me bones in a liquid state," feebly complained the alderman; "it is a pint of perspi ration I will evaporate to in a second." "Bejabers, it is hot enough to melt a monkey," sighed Ed wardo. "It is not, said Terry. "An' why?" "Shure ye are not melted yet!" Probably if the weather had not b een so sultry Terry would have got his head punched for his jocularity. "Terence Rafferty," he said, "yez are too modern. Yez are too---" "Howld yer whist," interrupted Muldoon, "I have a mastodon idea. "What is it?" interrupted the alderman. "We will go say bathing." "Shure, it costs a quarter, objected Hippocrates Burns, whose weekly .salary was not much more than ten times that amount. "Yez are altogether too particular," replied Muldoon; "we do not intend to hire a swimming bath. Be Heavens, we belong to the gang. We'll go say bathing off av the dock." Muldoon's suggestion was carried. Soon hats and coats were donneq, bathing tights tucked away in pockets, and most of Muldoon's male boarders were on their way to take a cooling plunge into the river. They soon arrived at a quiet dock. It did not take long for them to undress and pile their clothes behind some timber. Edwardo was in first He took a magnificent heade r into the water, and owing to a slight miscalculation of depth, landed about three feet into the mud. His feet only were visible "Shure, he's a splendid swimmer," remarked Muldoon; "he can float head downward." "Pull him out!" roared Terry Rafferty, "he' ll dround." Divil a bit," replied Muldoon. 'Why not?" "He's born to be hung, the outlaw. Bejabers, I think he imagines be is" a harbor buoy." Tei-ry did not waste any more words, but by considerable muscular effort succeeded in extricating his fellow boarder. A f e w minutes more in the mud would have settled Ed wardo. As it was his face was covered with mud, and he breathed with difficulty. He jawed his companions roundly for their neglect. "If it hadn't been for Terry Rafferty I d drownded," he com plained. "Why did we iver bring Terry Rafferty along, thin?" groaned Muldoon, as he dove square into the alderman's stomach, to that gentleman's left-handed delight. For a while they splashed about in the water, like so many amphibious mermen. Suddenly H ippocrates Burns, who was onto the dock, gave vent to a cry of alarm. "Have yez a spasm?" queried M;uldoon. "Cheese It-the cops!" bawled Hippocrates. "Phat av it?" answered Muldoon; "we have bathing panta-lettes on." "But this is a private dock." "Begob, I thought It wur wood! "No bathing av any sort is permitted, and the peelers are in structed to arrest any one found trespassing." Looks of horror were exchanged by the bathers .. The police, quite a squad of them, were rapidly advancing down the dock "Ten days for the gang," prophesied Mike Magee. "Ah, the divll tl.y away wid 'em!" Muldoon ,declared; "they can't catch us. We are in the wather, and they ain't. It is not spoil their poll-parrot brass buttons they will to come In after us." In order to show ,that he was not afraid, he climbed into a boat near by. The police came down t'l the dock. Edwardo Geoghegan and Hippocrates had sneaked out of the water, and were rapidly dressing. "Come out of that!" bawled the roundsman in command of the police to the bathers. "In me moind!" returned Muldoon. "You won't?" "vVhin I get ready." "When will that be?" "Next Christmas." The roundsman was a man of great executive ability. He quietly ordered his men to grind onto the swimmers' clothes. It was done. "Howly Moses!" exclaimed Mike Magee as he dove 01! the dock with one boot on, "good-by to me wardrobe." Muldoon stood up in the boat. "Ye blue-bellied gorillas," he cried, shaking his fist at the police, "dhrop me garments, or I'll pulverize the mob av yez!" Just then the boat in which he was got loose, and began tQ drift down str('am. CHAPTER V. We will follow Muldoon's fortunes, leaving the of the crowd to the tender mercy of the police upon the pier. Muldoon was so mad when he saw a big-nosed peeler pick up his hat and stretch it to about the size of an accordeon, that he did not stop to think that he was adrift on the deep blue sea. "Ye pigeon-toed galoot!" he bawled at the peeler, ''put down that hat. Do ye take it for an accordeon ?" By way of reply the addressed poked his club through the crown. of the hat. "That' s right!" shriek, ed Muldoon; "punch it full of aper tures. Take it down to the City Hall and strain moonlight through tt. Ah, ye Greenpoint clubber, I'll have ye broke for it." But nobody appeared to pay the slightest bit of notice tc;> his threats, and he looked about him. The pier receding away. The small boat which he was in was gayly tossing down to ward the bay. It was too far to swim ashore. "Howly Moses!" groaned he, "this is a splendid water picnic. Adrift in a floating coffin widout even a spoon to row wid." He espied a dainty yacht full of ladies and gentlemen tacking close to him. "Help-help!" yelled' he. The yacht came around, and bore down upon him. He noted the curious faces of the ladies peering at him trQm her deck Like a :flash It came to him that he wasn't dressed at all. He had lost his bathing tights while climbing into the boat. "Begorra, it is a marine monster that I am!" he exclaimed. "I am an illegant addition to a playsure party. Twelve dol Jars, begob, wud I give for aven a red petticoat." The yacht was almost alongside. Muldoon crouched into his saucy ship's bottom with the agility of a cockroach. "Sheer off!" he yelled. The grizzled head of a veteran sailing-master appeared from under the yacht sail. "What's the matter?" asked he. "For the love av Heaven starboard your rudder,. replied Muldoon. "Get away. "Vl'hy did you cry aid?" queried the other, who could not see Muldoon very distinctly. "Yez lle--kape off. I have the small-pox." The sailing-master headed 01! with great alacrity. "You're drunk," he growled, as he swept .away up the river. Muldoon rose to his feet. Toot-toot-toot! sounded a whistle right In his rear. He looked around. A big ferry-boat was running him down, and the whistle was designed to order him out of the way. For excellent reasons Muldoon could not have got out of the way of a canal-boat mule. Toot-toot-toat! sounded the whistle for the second time. "Play a tune!" howled Muldoon; "give us 'Pinafore,' yez sucker. Begorra, I could make a better whistle than that out av a gutter pipe." Seeing that Muldoon would not get out of the way, the pilot of the ferry-boat' succeeded by great. el!orts In stopping his

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12 MULDOON'S BOAS.DING HOUSE. craft a short distance from Muldoon, who had retreated to the hold again, leaving only the upper part of hfs body visible. "You blank gorilla, why in blank didn't you get out of the way?" yelled the pilot. "Out av the way of what?" complacently asked Muldoon, who was getting reckless. "Of the boat." "Where's the boat?" "Here, you blind Irish cannibal," informed the pilot. M"uldoon swept his eye critically over the ferry-boat. He em-braced all of its points. "Do yez call it a boat?" he finally queried. "Of course." "Bedad, I am so glad. Faix, I tuk it for a light-house." The indignity offered to his boat roused the pilot's ire. He returned into the wheel-house. "Clear out or I'll run you down:" he threatened. "Ye dassent." "Why not?" "'Me gondola is constituted av cast iron. If yez iver hit it wid yer ould oak yez will explode." "Get out!" roared the pilot, as he rang the bell to go ahead. He did not collide with Muldoon's boat. But he came so nearit that there was no joking. The passengers on board of the ferry-boat crowded to the rail to see the obstinate man who wouldn't get out of the way. "Crickey, Bob, the duffer ain't got no clothes on! '1 howled a 1lmall boy. Here "lias a grand chance for cheap wit, which the crowd ,didnot let slide. "Crawl on your ear!" "'Borry some fig-leaves!" "Oh, you naughty man,, where is your shirt?" "Wonder what it's called when it's got its clothes on?" 'Tain't nlive, anyhow. It's cork. It'll float if you spit on it." These and many other jocular remarks of equal humor were bawled by the crowd at the hapless Muldoon. He stood up in his boat and shook his fist vigorousJy at his tormentors. "Jump off, ye Dutch tarriers, an' I'll drownd the whole av yez loike they do the other puppies at the dog pound!" invited he. He was so. engrossed in blessing the ferry-boa\ jokists that he did not notice a long-boat glide up by his. A strong hand grasped his collar-bone. He looked around. A uniformed policeman had him, and in the boat in which the policeman stood were half. a dozen of his mates, members of the harbor police. "Howly St. Patrick!" cried Muldoon .gazing curiously at his captors, "are yez real? Begorra, it grows peelers to-day. If I should jump overboard I conjecthure there wud be wan waitin' me arrival at the bed av the river." "Say!" asked the roundsman in command of the poUce, "vo:; you grazy?" "Why?" queried Muldoon. "Vot for you vos masquerading all about the river mit nod-dings on?" "I couldn't help it." '"You couldn't helb id?" "No." "Den I couldn't helb arresting you also. Shakey, pud hiih mid der bottom of der boat." 'kape your hands off, Jakey," ordered Muldoon, "or there won't be any Jakey left. Begorra, ye noble Teuton, I am a glntleman av playsure out for a sail. Do you comprehend me appellation?" "'Shakey," gasped the roundsman, "you vos studied Latin. Vot VOS he gifing us?"' "Do yez know me name'?" roared Muldoon. ''Vos it Shonny Velsh?"' chuckled the roundsman. "No,.sir; ft was rerence Muldoon." Contrary to all expectations, the roundsman did not E
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MULDOON'S BOARDING HOUSE. 13 Jet me go, a,n' I will-aw-never do it again," blubbered Stuyvesant. "Give the baby a biscuit!" roared Muldoon. "Silen<'e!" cried the justice. "Stuyvesa11t Riley-ten dollars. "1-1 haven' t got it. Take me watch," wailed Stuyvesant. "Don't yer, judge. Ye wud get skinned, shure," interrupted Muldoon. "Bedad, the watch is made out av iron, wid pewter works. It is five cents a crate they are." "Will you be still?" the justice snapped at Muldoon. "Stuy vesant Riley-ten days, and for Heaven's sake -get your name changed when you come out or I'll make it twenty." Poor .Stuyvesant was waltzed oft. The alderman was called next. The justice looked at him in surprise. "Why, alderman, how did you get here?" he asked. The alderman braced up. "It wur police stupidity. I will reorganize the department to-morry," he said. "I wuz sitting on the dock enjoying the say.breeze whin a policeman arrested me. It wur an outrage! "Gi.ve him poi for the lie-it was first in the water he was," said Muldoon, "De. you know this-this curiosity?" queried the justice, directing the alderman's gaze to Muldoon. "By reputation," was the alderman's reply. "How is it?" "Bad. I have me suspicions that he is a baby-farmer." "Alderman LobscoU:se, ye galvanized Mick, I will knock the flannel all out av yer mcuth if I iver get out!" declared Mul doon. "Terence Muldoon a baby-farmer! Howly smoke!" "Alderman, you are honorably discharged," said the justice,. glaring hard at-Muldoon. "Officer, arraign 'that nuisance." Accordingly, Muldoon was 'Stood infront of the bar. "You:r name?" "Terence Muldoon." "Age?" "Forty." "Occupation?" "Hotel proprietor and solid man ginerally." "It seems,'! said the justice. "that you, not content with bathing when you had not ought to, went sailing around the harbor with nothing at all upon you." "I had," protested Muldoon. "What was it?" "A striped sock, be Heaven!" A titter ran through the court-room, and the justice frowned. "This is not a circus," he said. "Faix, there's a clown upon the bench!" hoarsely whispered Edwardo Geoghegan. "Who said that?" asked the judge. "Hippocrates Burns," politely informell Edwardo. "Ye are a patent-back liar," cried Hippocrates, plucking up courage. Edwardo's fist flew out and took Hippocrates in the nose. He fell against Mike Magee, who kicked savagely back, missed Hippccrates, but scored upon Terry Rafferty. The liveliest sort of a row ensde. d right there in court. All of Muldoon's boarders were pitching into one another, while a policeman tried vainly to stop it. As for Muldoon himself, he was howling forth a speech in self-defense which nobody at all was listening to. Sucb a delightful scene as it was! The justice ppunded on his der;:k like a troopei;, but it did no good. :I am a respectable citizen wirl a big pull in the ward, and it is a burning shame tO-" "Hit him in the smeller!" 'Slug the peeler, Edwardo!" "Let me up or I'll bite yer eye!" '-Sind me up for bathing, judge. The Dutch son av a gu n who arrested me is in wid Mulcahy, an' it is a put-up job to--" "Lave go av my hair, Mike!" ''Holy Moses, let me at the sucker!" "Jump on me stomach ag'in, will yez; I'll--" "-Ruin me house, justice, which is the pride av the Ninth Ward. Bedad. hackmen always point 1t out to travelers as one av the sights av the metropolis. Let me go, justice, dear, an'--" ''Hould the peeler down, Mike, till I walk On his back-bone." "Where is me pistol? I'll put siven bullets in yer Jun$'." "Take ycr teeth off me e,r. ye .feather-ton1rned tarrie1'." "-An' I'll pray for yei: nightly, said Muldoon, finishing his plea, which had been broken and marred by the interruptions from the fighting gang noted above. Meanwhile the justice had sent out and borrowed a policemen. After a desperate struggle the fight was stopped and the fighters clubbed into su9mission. The justice was mad enough to go out into Sixth avenue and bite the railroad track. "Sixty days for the whole crowd," he said. A wail went up from the prisoners' pen. All hands began a frantic appeal to the justice. Muldoon howled himself hoarse about the injustice of the sentence, and threatened to .fly at the justice, while a perspiring policeman vainly tried to hold him down. The justice beat a perfect tattoo with his gavel. "Si-lence! Si-Jenee! 'l screeched the court officer. "Justice," appealed Muldoon. "Shut up! shouted the justice. "Yer too fresh-yer nade salting," growled Muldoon. "Three months foi: you!" declared the justice. "Yer a bandy-legged ould fool!" "Six months, you ruffian." Muldoon's mad was up. "Judge," he howled, "yez can sind me up for six years, but I'll tell yez to yer ugly face, you're a blamed ould jackass." The justice fairly turned white with rage. "Take the man out!" D.e ordered. "Bejabers. yez can send for a palace-car-I won't walk!" vociferated Muldoon. Neither he would. It took the united efforts of six officers to carry him out of the court. "Justice, ye four-eyed smelt," were his last words, "ye are doomed. I will purchase a murderer this very night." Of course Mrs. Muldoon was half dead with terror at the boarding-house. Nothing was heard from the gentlemen inmates all night long, and it was just being supposed by Mrs. Fitz Murphy that all handshad gone on a perennial drunk, when a messenger arrived with a note from Mr. Muldoon. She tore it open. Jn a scared, forced voice she read it aloud. "JEFFERSON MARKET CELLS. "DEAR BRIDGET:-Hire out the boarding-house for a velocipede hall. The whole coterie av us has been sent to the Island. Yez can come down wid a spy-glass to the East River shote an' watch us pulverize stones. Yours, wid love, MuLooo:-;. P. S.If Roger has the .croup give him goose grease." A chorus of shrieks followed from the ladies. Muldoon breaking stones'" wailed. his wife. "Fitz Murphy in a striped suit aiting av bake-house biscuit!" ex claimed Mrs. F. ''Terry Rafferty wid his hair cut wid a machine," sol:) bed Miss Krouse, ''Mr. Edwardo in a dungeon cell!" panted Miss Fresh who entertain. ed quite affectionate senMments for the erring Ed wardo. A consultation was hurriedly had. Mrs. Muldoon put on her shawl. "I am going around to see Comptroller Callahan," she said. "He will get them off The idea av thim daring to lock up a politician loike me ould man!" Off she went. Comptrolier Callahan, by some strange fortune, was at home, a very extraordinary circumstance for a public man. "Oh. Mr. Callahan, sobbed she, "me Muldoon is arrested! As some one or other of Comptroller Callahan's friends was alwavs getting arrested, he evinced no particular surprise. "What for?'' asked he. "I don't know-oh, -please get him out!" Muldoon was a strong supporter of Callahan, and conse quently he put on his bat, called a cab, and was whirled rapidly down -to Jefferson Market. H e gave the surprised justice to know that he had done it now. "Muldoon has a big pull in his district, and he's a big help to our party," he said. "How in the deuce was I to know that a sort of scarecrow In policeman's coat and bare legs was one of our crowd?" growled the judge, forgetting that he had not given Muldoon a chance to prove his Identity. "You should have found answered the comptroller. "You'll ruin the party if you ain't careful. It was only last week you nearly sent Micky Phelan up for a year for trying to kill an Italian. And Micky is head of the Dead Rabbits. Get Muldoon out right away."

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MULDOON'S BOARDING HOUSE. "And his friends?" "Release them, too." The result of this brief dialogue was that Muldoon and his ()Ompanions in misery arrived home about noon. "Where is Alderman Lobscouse? was Muldoon's first query. Nobody knew. He had not been seen. "Wait till I see him-wait till I spot the sucker!" ominously declared Muldoon; "he is no .white man, for he went back on the gang,!" CHAPTER 'VI. The base way in which the alderman bad taken care of nuinber one and betrayed his friend, rankled in Muldoon's bosom. "Be Heavens, Bridget," he said to his wife, "I will get square the sucker. "How?" queried Mrs. Muldoon. "I'll fire all. av his possei;sions out rnto the thoroughfare." "Yez won't have to employ over a dozen to do it," smiled Mrs. Muldoon. "Why?" "All he possesses Is a Hoboken thrunk wid two paper collars an' a pokerdot necktie into it, barring a rag-carpet valise "The wan wid a green poll-parrot aft an' a stick av licorice supposed to bQ;;a tree on its side?" "Yes." Muldoon went upstairs. Assisted by the noble Edwardo he succeeded in putting the trunk and pictorial valise outside onto the sidewalk. Then he placed himself In the parlor window to watch the alderman return. Night came. The shades of even fell over the marble yard opposite and dimmed the lustre of Denny Callahan, the copper's, brass butlons. No alderman. "Faix, I belave he has gone an' made way wi d himself out av shame'," reflected Muldoon. "I belave I will seek my <:ouch." He did. Meanwhile the trunk and valise ornamented the sidewalk; nobody had the moral courage to steal them. Just here we might as well relate what really had become <>f the political Lobscouse. After his release he had sneaked out of court. He felt remorseful for his betrayal of Muldoon He went into a drunk-store. He stayed there. "Begorra," he said, "I will get uproarious, Ill-smelling, en rageJ. intoxicated. Thin I will go home, an' Ir Muldoon gives me any of hie hard language I will paralyze him!" But it was not till nearly midnight that he got braced up enough to carry out his great scheme. Then he started off for the boarding-house He felt just about equal to anything, from licking a lamp post to upsetting a house. Tacking unsteadily up the sidewalk, tumbling over the ash barrels and occasionally whooping jocularly in a style that caused people to look out of the windows under the impression that a bloody murder was being committed, he at last fetched to the boarding-house. It stood placid and quiet under the rays of the moon. Reposing on the walk were the trunk and the pictorial valise. The alderman looked at them. "Begorra," he observed, "somebody has started a thrunk store In me absence an' forgot to take In stock. Suppose they were stole?" Muldoon's coal-hole cover was loose. It appeared to the alderman that it would be a philanthropic act to safely stow away the trunk and valise into the coal hole. He started to carry out his idea. He lifted the valise first. It seemed familiar. .--Surely that green poll-parrot winked at him knowingly with its one bead eye. "Howly Heaven!" exclaimed he, "it ls me own satchel!" Further investigation showed that the trunk was his also The truth flashed upon him, gloriously full as he was. "It is dispossessed I am-me, Alderman Michael Lobscouse! All av me furniture placed out upon the Rialto by a flannel-mouthed Mick wid mud on his teeth! Blessed St. Patrick. I will demolish Muldoon's whole 1:1tructure!" He had his night-key with him, and after various Ingenious but unsuccessful attempts to open the door with its handle, he finally reversed it and got in. The hall was dark, and he fell over something immediately. "Setting infernal machines to blow me up upo.n me arrival," he meditated. "I must proceed wid care. Probably there is a torpedo at the foot av the stai-rs an' a wolf-trap on the second step." He stooped to investigate the article which had caused his fall. It was an ax. Muldoon had been fixillg a stair-rail, and had left the ax in the hall when he. went to bed, in his usual happy-go-lucky style. The alderman grasped it. "Ah-ha! an ax!" said he. "Muldoon placed it so whin l came in I would fall upon it an' cut me jugular vein. Faix, I will chop up the wholl.i chateau." He was starting to make fire-wood out of the front door, when it sudrlenly occurreuto him that he woul
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MULDOON'S BOARDING HOUSE. 1"t Mrs. Fitz Murphy opened the door. The apparition with the ax which immediately forced Its way in was enough to appall a stouter h eart than h e rs. No wonder, then, that she yelled with fear and beat a hur ried retreat into a closet l<'itz Murphy got out of bed "What in blazes is the matther?" he asked, turning up the light. By way of explanation the alderman smashed a chair with his ax. "Howly Moses!" roared he, in accents of disappointment. "Where is Muldoon-the-hic-haythen?" "Alderman! cried Fitz Murphy. Yez are erroneous," said the alderman; "bedad, I'm-a-hi e -howling Injun. Where have yez-hic-hid Muldoon?" Fitz Murphy tremblingly assured the other that Muldoon was not to be found In that apartment. "Shure, it's a put-up job expressed the alderman. "Mush git square some-hiehow. Goin' t e r smash all zer furni ture. Have-hie-shipwreck! Can' t have-ohic-bonfire have-hlc-shlpwreck! Fitz Murphy incontinently fied The two young Fitz Murphys, almost paralyzed with fright, crawled under the bed and viewed the alderman's proceedings with staring eyes. He howled around, with the ax in his hand, raising lightning generally. Meanwhile Fitz Murphy had retreated to the hall. There he met Hippocrates Burns, who, under the impres sion that there were burglars in the house, had come creeping downstairs with his harpoon in his hand. "What's the matter?" asked he. "The alderman has got home," Fitz Murphy groaned. "He's on it. "On what?" A toight. He is murderously fatoxicated!" "What is he at?" 'Shipwrecking me apartment,' he says. And he is not a liar." Just the n the alderman fell head over h e els in an a t t empt to massacre a spittoon, and the two young Fitz Murphys shrieked in terror. "'He's slaughtering your offsprings!" exclaimed Hippocrates. "Don't moind it. r have three more i n the R eform School. But if he touches me terbacky I'll kill him. Hippocrates?" "Well, sur?" "Tell him Muldoon is outside." "An' why?" "It will skeer him into s ensibility Thry it. Hippocrates did. "Alderman! shouted he, Muldoon is out here." A thunderbolt could not have got out into that hall quicker than the alderman "Where is the darty thafe av a -hie-holy Mick?" demanded he. "Let me place me eyes upon him till I carve his-hichead." Hippocrates iitarted to beat a masterly retreat upstairs. But the alderman wouldn't have it. "Whoa, Hippo-hie-crates!" bawled he; go ahead wid yerselt for another step, an' I'll-hie-bury me tomahawk In yez brain!" Hippocrates stood stock still and the alderman collared him. "Yez lied to me about Muldoon," he said. "I-just a little fiction," replied Hippocrates, wishing he had never got out of bed. "I do not care a-hic--cent weuer it wur fiction or-hic starch!" growled the other. "Yez loied to me, ye monkey! Phat Is it yez have in ye-hie-paw?" Hippocrates acknowledged difJj.dently that it was supposed to be a harpoon. "Phat is it for?" "To catch whales." "Hippo-hie-crates, did yez suppose yez could catch whales at this-hie-hour of the noight in a respectable boarding house? Hippo-hie-crates, yez are drunk, drunker nor I am. Shoulder harpoons!" "What for?" queried Hippocrates. "Ax me no riddles an' I will give yez no-hie-hair-oil," was the alderman's sage answer. "Harpooners-hie-forward march!" Hippocrates did not move. The alderman prodded him .with his ax. .. Ye represent the-1:!.ic-harpooners, h e said. "Advance, ye sucker, In files av four roight!" said he. Hippocrates had concluded that passive obedience was the best policy to pursue. By this time the racket had aroused a great many of the boarders. They came out into the halls, and peeped over stair-rails i n various stages of night dressed deshabille. Ah, what is it?" aske d Miss Paddle, with customary female vagueness. "Hippo-hie-crates Is dhrunk," solemnly responded the al derman. "Hippocrates Burns?'' asked Miss Paddle, who had always re-garded Hippocrates as a nice young fellow "Yes'm, he's boiling. Dhrunk enough for-hie-ten men." "Miss Paddle," cried Hippocrates, "I--" "Shut up, Hippo-hie-crates!" ordered the alderman, "or I will be afther splitting yez over the-hie-head. Harpooneril should be seen and not-hic-heard." Completely demoralized. Hippocrates proceeded on, while Miss Paddle held up her hands and excla i med at the depravity of the day. The alderman marched Hippocrates into the parlor. He lit every gas burner he could find after a severe struggle. "Have'n-hic-moonlight picnic. Lecture to-night, bedad. Hippo-hie-harpooners, lesh have-hie-fun." Hippocrates replied that he did not see any particularly vivid chances for having fun just then. "Hippo-hic--crates," said the alderman, as he jocularly jumpE>d up and down in a frail chair till he succeeded in break ing it, "yez are N G.-too fresh! I've got a-hie-brilliant idea, begorra! .. What?" asked Hippocrates, faintly. "Yez take me battle-ax. "Well?" "An' cut the divil out av the plana. Lots av-hie-fun." Poor Hippocrates fai led to realize the great ludicrousness of the plan. He suggested that it would be a great deal more fun to go to bed ..,. "Never goin' ter bed," savagely informed the alderman. "No bod y ever goes ter-hic-bed 'cept w omen, an' children, an' lit tle birds. Yez a woman?" No, answered Hippocrates, wishing that he was. Yez a child?" "No." "An' yez ain't got no-hie-tail or wings? Zen yez can't be a little-hie-bird. Can't go to bed. Hit the piana-do yez moind?" In vain Hippocrates protested and pleaded. The alderman produced a remarkable barbarian of a pistol, and proposed to blow his (Hippocrates') head off. So poor Burns went to work killing the piano. The alderman stood right In his rear. Every time that Hippocrates faltered he felt' the cold muzzle of the pistol on his neck. M eanwhile the whole house had got up. Fitz Murphy had awakened Muldoon, and Muldoon put on a pair of boxing gloves. "Be Heavens, if I sh'u'd iver hit any wan. wid me nalrnd fist I would kill thim!" he explained. "It is steel-iron knuckles I possess! At the head of a brave squadron, tailed by Stuyvesant Riley, with a fire shovel, and a chroni c inclination to run every noise, Muldoon marched down to the parlor door. He gazed in. There was Hippocrates plying h i s ax on the piano, amidst 11cloud of snapped strings, broken keys and rosewood splinters and back of him was the alderman, placidly going off to sleep, with the barrel of the pistol rammed ha!! way down Hippocrates' neck. "Howly smoke!" cried Muldoon, "wud yez stag Hippocrates. Luk at the maniac-begob, he is temporarily insane See me lift the fire-bug! Creeping softly behind him, Muldoon slugged him under the ear with for c e enough to upset a church. He arose up like a rocket and came dowa aJl -in a bunch. "Hippocrates, ye son av a guanac o bag," .reproved Muldoon, "yez are a viper! Whin yez was sick wid the spasms, did I sind yez to the hospital? Divil a bit. An' yet yez come down into me drawingroom wid a lo w politician an' smash me up. right piany wid a tomahawk. It is Judas Burns yez should be called!" "He made me," weakly answered Hippocrates, as he felt of his head. "Who made yez?" "The alderman." "Yez loi! interrupted the alderman, with a mo s t drunken a11.d inviting smile. "Wash for wud I burst Muldoon-hichand-organ? Always loved Muldoon-Muldoon's a jolly good -hie-hearted ould Turk. Set 'em up for the-hie-crowd. My name is-hic-h!a-wash is it?" "Mud!" promptly informed Edwardo Geoghegan, who was. nobbily clad in a linen duster over his red night-shirt.

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lG MULDOON'S BOARDING HOUSE. "Zanks, n&J'.Qe's mud. Lick any man in the-hie-gang! and with the last remark, the alderman, who rapidly passed from the ferocious to the feeble state of intoxication, fell back upon the fioor and expressed an urgent desire to be carried to bed with his boots on. Muldoon went for Hippocrates ligain. "Yez will pay for the pianny," he said. "No, I won't," Hippocrates plucked up courage to say. Muldoon got him by the throat. 'Luk at me eye--luk at me eye!" said Muldoon. "Yez will read manslaughter in it. Hippocrates, beware, I have murdherer's blood in, me veins. Promise to recompense me for me pianny, or we will convert the back yard into a cemetery wid yez to inaugerate it?' Hippocrates promised. He was released. The alderman was carried up to bed, arid this ended the epi -logue to tlle swimming farce. But what a head he had onto him next day! He had to get his hat blocked on a sugar barrel. Even then he could not get it on until he took a shoe-horn. On the whole his spree cost him about two hundred dollars, including the value of Fitz Murphy's "shipwrecked" furniture. As for Hippocrates, he was not heard from till late the next afternoon. Then he appeared in Muldoon's presence with his precious trombone, a pair of green spectacles and a stuffed robin redbreast. .He held them out to Muldoon with a half-suppressed sigh. 'Are yez practicing to play dummy in a tragedy-pantomime?" Muldoon queried. N-no, sighed Hippocrates. "Thin fhat are yez extending ther revolutionary relics to me for?" "T-take them." "Fhat for? Bejabers, I do not. proprietorize an ould curi osity shop." "I-it's all I've got except a checkered c--collar-button," vaguely said Hippocrates. "Ye can dispose av thim at auction." 'An' why?" "Toh-help pay for the piano." Muldoon could not help grinning to save his neck at Hippo crates' woe-begone expression. "Niver moind, yer poor innocent," said he. "Ye can pay me in weekly installments av tin piasters a day. Go up to yer room. put a bread poultice on yez brain, an' write a sonata to the moqn, ye skE!leton blonde! CHAPTER VII. One day a new boarder arrived to join the menagerie already at Muldoon's. His name was Alonzo Capulet Gibbs, and he was a teacher in a great big public school. He got a thousand dollars every year. Alonzo was shocked at the lack of rational recreation going on at Muldoo..i's. The chief amusements seemed to be fights, drunks and en counters with Mrs. Muldoon's ram. Aionzo approached Muldoon upon the subject. ''Mr. Muldoon," he said, "why do you not get up something for the amusement of your boarders?" "Amusement!" replied Muldoon; "Shure, man, yez are wild. They have all the amusement they want. Wasn't it last even ing that McNulty's piebald pup and O'Riely's setter tarrier had a most iligant fight in full view of the front stoop?" "Yes; but we need something more refined pleaded Alonzo. "Perhaps yez would loike'an eight-day organ to play yez t'o slumber," sarcastically said Muldoon. "Mr. Gibbs if yez de sire to refine yez will have to do it at your own expense. Yez cannot stick the house." Mr. Gibbs humbly explained that he had thought of getting up a spelling match. First Muldoon was doubtful as to what a spelling match was. rs it a bird, baste, or a new parlor game?" asked he. Alonzo explained. Muldoon was captivated with the idea. "Bedad, we will ha'Ve it out in the back yard," he said. "I will procure two Portuguese lanterns and illuminate the grounds. Perhaps I may borry a German band, and institute a sort av a moonlight. picnic." Alonzo persuaded him, however, that a German band was not necesi:iary at a spelling match. But Muldoon stuck to the two lanterns, got them, and hung them up upon the back fence. The boarders were delighted with the idea.. After supper they adjourned out into the back yard. Two rows of chairs, facing each other, were pla.c;:ed across the grass plat. Sides were chosen. Muldoon, Edwardo Geoghegan, Stuyvesant Riley, Miss Krouse and Mrs. Mu'.ldoon were one. The alderman, Terry Rafferty, Hippocrates Burns, Mrs. Fitz Murphy and Miss Nancy Fresh composed the other. Mr. Gibbs occupied the important position of chairman. He gave out the words, and got himself genera.Uy disliked. At last all was ready. ''Ladies and gentlemen," announced Mr. Gibbs, "in order to render this contest more interesting, Muldoon will presen t the winner with a box of cigars. "Six cents a crate-seven boxes in a crate," whispered Etl wardo. Muldoon arose instantly. "Edwardo," said he, "ye will please to !imitate your sarcastic rebukes to yerself. We w.ill not have the harmony av this o c casion disturbed by any back talk. Mo ind me, now! Muldoon's remarks seemed to have the desired ettect. Perfect peace reigned, and Gibbs got up. "Spell 'cat,' Mr. Muldoon," he said. "What kind av a cat?" asked Muldoon, cautiously. "Just 'cat.' "Is it a ya.Iler cat or .a. pink cat?" "Any cat." "Av what sex?" "Either." "I suppose you have reference to a. full-gr<>wn cat?" "Yes, sir." "No pup-cat?" Here Edwardo lay down upon the grass, and requested not to be woke up till Muldoon got through. "It was out late I wur last night," he said, "an' I wud loike. to get several days' slumber before my turn comes to spell." "Spell 'cat,' if you please, Mr. Muldoon," urged Alonzo. "C-a-t--cat," declared Muldoon. "It is a man av education that I am.". "Spell 'dog,' alderman," said Gibbs. The aldePman arose. He cleared his throat. "D<>-g-e--dog," he said. "Wrong, sir." "What!" cried the alderman. "Don't d-o-g-e spell dog?" "No, sir." "I suppose it spells canary bird," ironically said the alder man. "Do yez mane to state that I, who have had the yaller fever tour times, can't spell dog?" .. "D-o-g-dog. That is right," said Gibbs. "Edwardo, spell 'measles.'" "Arrah, there is a. foine word for ye to collar and elbow wid, put in Muldoon. "Aisy, Edwardo, a.isy. Go for it gently. Coax it." Edwardo evidently thought he had got a dead sure thing. He pulled his gaudy handkerchief out of his pistol pocket, and fa11tidiously wiped his face. "M-double e-:r.-e-1-s-measles," he said. "Good-b'y," applauded Muldoon; "yez done it as aisy as a fiy gets into butther." "Wrong," said Alonzo. "Howly Moses!" shouted Muldoon, "it is corrupted yez are Mr. Gibbs "No wonder our children are going to the divil when such .blaggards conthroll the public schools, murmured \he alderman. "I will lave it to any jury if d-o-g-e don't spell dog. As for Edwardo, he was wild. "How does yez know that I am wrong, Mr. Gibbs?" he said, "By Webster." "Who is he?" "'The author of 'Webster's Dictionary.' "How does he spell it?" "M-e-a-s-1-e-s. "He is a liar!;, promptly said Edwardo. "M-e-e-z-1-e-s spells measles, an' I will lick any man for a five-dollar note who says it don't." "If you. don't like my decisions I will resign," faltered Mr. Gibbs. "That is the only sensible word ye have said t
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, MULDOON'S BOARDING HOUSE. 17 "Leddies and gents," said Muldoon, "I will run the spelllng match as far as I can. There will be a square deal and no splits, and the first sucker that kicks, be Heavens, I'll slaugh ter him. Hippocrates, spell 'calf'-not yerself, but some other cal!." "K-a-1-!!" declared Hippocrates. "Kerect. Terry Rafferty, ye young runt, paralyze us wid 'Russia.'" "RUShia!" ''Good! It is a prize b olivar we will bake for ye. StuYVe sant Riley, wrestle wid 'Scotland.' It is historical jaw-break ers'ye are getting now." "Sk-o-t-1-a-n-d!" "Kerect. Arrah, Mrs. Muldoon, ye Oak street baby, I am looking at yez. Spell 'Ca:nada,' where they won't let the Sixty ninth go, bad cess to their redcoats." "Does it begin wid a C, Terry?" "Bridget, I blush for ye. Where Is yer education, me !eddy? K, Bridget, K." K-a-n can-a-cana-d-i-a-Canada." Krouse, I will give yez au aisy wan. 'School.'" ::;-c-h-o-o-1. "Miss Krouse, I am astonished. Ye are wrong.'; "I learned to spell it that way." "Yez larned incorrectly. S-k-u-1-e, Miss Krouse, is the proper way. Yez put the accent upon the s and emphasize the k. Alderman, forward four wid jackass." "Mu-1, mul, d-o-o-n, doon, jackass," replied the alderman, with a grin. There was a general laugh, in which all except Muldoon joined. "Yez are altogether too just picked," said Muldoon; "if I was ye, alderman, I would have '1812' stamped on me boots, so that people would not conjecthure ye war so brand-new. Any wan that can't spell dog I hav' me opinion av. It is going back upon your own flesh and blood, alderman." "D-o-g-e spells dog," sullenly declared the alderman. "It don't," persisted Muldoon. "How do ye juggle wid the word, ye ouldGalway mummy?" politely asked the alderman. "'D-o-g-g!" would yez get onto it"!" cried the alderman. "It is presi-dent av a negro college yez should be." D-o-g-g is right," persisted Muldoon. "In me moind." "Do yez doubt me voracity, aldherman?" "I wouldn't belave yez undher oath. Muldoon carefully undid his collar. Next he disrobed himself of his necktie. "Alderman Lobscouse," he said, "yez are a pin widout a head. Bedad, I'll put one on for yez." "Whin yez can spell a-b-1-e, able," rejoined the alderman. "Come on, ye dirty hash-chewer." In a second the alderman had Muldoon by the hair. Muldoon got the alderman by the neck, and a double and twisted struggle ensued. The women screamed. The men encour.aged. But Mrs. Muldoon came to the rescue. "Terence Muldoon!" shriE'ked she, "would yez give the boarding-house away? Bedad, Mulcahy is kicking himself w i d delight, an' he is lettin' out all av his back windows to re porters at tin cents an hour, to witness the atl'.ray!" "Fhat av it, woman.? Shure, there will be one aldherman the Jess In New York, whin I finish wid the massacre," replied Muldoon, as he tried to gouge one of his eyes out. Mrs. Muldoqn pulled him off his rival by main force. "Sit down, Johnny Dwyer,'"said she, "or I will scald yer ould bald head wid hot wather. Shure, yez take yerself for a young pullet rooster instead av a played-out ould jackass. It is a foine example yez set to Roger." Muldoon allowed himself to be quieted by the all powerful i nstrumentality of woman's tongue. 'Yez were both wrong regarding the vocalization of 'dog,'" said Mike Magee, the blacksmith, who very seldom said any thing. "How do yez syllabylize lt?"queried Muldoon. D-o-r-g dog," solemnly said Mike, with an air which ad mitted of no possible denial. 'fhat settled it, of course. The spelling match was declared finished, and Mike Magee to be the winner of the box of cigars. Of course, the very next day, Muldoon got into a scrape. He was not happy if he wasn't continually in hot water. He went down to a small shop where he usually got shaved, to get a skin scrape. The barber was not in. Instead, a small Italian, who acted as boss of the wisp. broom and grand mogul of the spittoon, as the only occu pant. "Where i the ba:rber?" Muldoon queried. "Gone out. "Where?' "Wife sick. "It is a wondher she isn't dead. Whin will he be back?" "Not knowa. It badda, too. "Wha't's badda?" "Him staya away. He losa lots of mona. Folks come in-go awaya." "Bedad, ye are enough to scare them off. I say, Garabaldi.'' "Wella?" "Ye go off and play duck on a say-beach. I will engineer the )lair-oil morgue till yez return." The small Italian gladly availed himself of the permission. He donned his cap, and started off. Muldoon put on a barber's apron. He stuck a comb behind his ear, and strutted before the glass. .. It is first premium I wud secure for a barber," he grinned. "Faix, I always belaved Nature intinded me for a cheek-cutter, an' I am going to thry it!" Just then a customer arrived. He was a daisy. One of these little. ahby-Gawge chaps with a light suit,. spec tacles, and a blue-ribboned straw hat. "Six av him for a quarther, tied in a bunch, wid a chromo in free!" snickered Muldoon, as the fairy face entered. Evidently he had got into the wrong place. "Is .this the female barber shop?" he asked. "Yis," assured Muldoon. "But-ah-where are the females, you know?" "They have an afthernoon off to dance in the ballet down to Manhattan Beach," assured Muldoon. "Sit roight down, Charley. "What a bloomin' blarsted Yankee cheek, muttered the dandy, who was plainly a Britisher. "I want me hair cut." "All roight," Muldoon responded, "will yez have it shrub bery style or bareback?" "Weally, I don't know what you mean," answered the astonished dandy. "Do yez desire it copious or diminutive?" "I want it rather short." Muldoon got a pair of scissors. He w .ent to work with a will. Muldoon cut hair by muscle. At every clip the poor dandy screamed. "Blarst it, man, you are tearing out my brains" he expos-tulated. "Devil a bit," said Muldoon. "Why not?" "Yez have none. Hould yer head still or I'll cut off an ear." It was torture to the suffering Britisher. Muldoon brought blood as often as he brought hair. At last, though, he announced the job at an end. "How much?" gasped the dandy. "Fifty cents." "For a hair cut?" "Yis." "But, dem it, you nearly slaughtered me with youah brutality." "That's the rayson I only charge fifty cents. If I had killed yez completely it would have been seventy-foive Th. e logic was irresistible. The subject of Victoria paid his fifty cents and walked dolefully away. Five minutes later he was seen stopping a policeman to ask the way to a hospital. As for Muldoon, he was joyous. "Bedad exclaimed he," "the fairies are good to the Irish. Dlvil a cint did I have in me pocket an' here I have fifty for scalping a bloody redcoat; whorra, Muldoon yez are a boss barber." Just here a sto1 dirtyfaced man with a red shirt, and his pants tucked into his boots came swaggering into the shop. "Shure, he postures fur a tough," commented Muldoon. "I belave he chews onions to give him a bad breath." "Sa-ay!" growled the red-shirted man, "is this a barber shop?" "Does it luk loike a synagogue or a stove store?" pertly an swered Muldoon. "I don't want none of yer guff," said the other. "What d o yer suppose I want?" "Yez can purchase the mirror at a large discount," replied Muldoon, "or would yez loike some disinfectant? Begob, I

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18 MULDOON'S BOARDING HOUSE. would imagine from the aroma that somebody had conceal e d a garbage barge about yer individuality." "Look here, you old umbrella sign," warned the other, "jess plaster up yer speaking-trumpet. I am bad-I am b-a-d-bad, and I want a shave! I've got to kill a chippie bird to-night, and I wants to do it In style. You understand?" "Repose upon the 'Portuguese divan," said uldoon, as he, wheeled out a COQ,SUmptive barber's chair; "bedad, I'll fix yez up for a gould medal murdherer in a jiffy." Muldoon stropped his razor with great deliberation: "Have ye a tendher skin?" he asked."Yaas." "I am sorry for yez." "Why-saay?" "Begorra, this razor is liable to have a monnygram on yer baby face. Me son, Roger, wai> using it to cut lead wid last night.". The red-shirted customer litted his head. "See here, you pie-eater," cautioned he, "if you make jess a scratch on my face, do yer know what I'll do with yer?" "Is it a riddle?" asked Muldoon. "Naw! I'll jess kick yer lungs up through yer nose! Dat''s what I'll do. Understand?" "Faix, I'll shave ye:; a s fastidiously as if ye were silver," answered Muldoon. "Put yer cranium back, ye Water street Sunday school superintendent." The one to be shaved obeyed. Muldoon started at him gently. First he wielded the razor as i.f it was glass and he was shaving an egg-shell. To his great surprise he didn't cut an ear off as he had al-most expected. Instead he shaved quite smoothly. Success made him reckless. All of a sudden he gave a jab. The red-shirted man jumped about six feet. "Be Heavens! the razor is stuck!" bawled Muldoon. ''In my cheek! almost wept the red-shirted man, as his hand crept suspiciously around to his pistol pocket. Muldoon started for the door. "Saay, where are yer goin''!" shouted the other. "Afther a map av New York City." "What for?" "I want to foind out the correct route to extricate the razor." The red-shirted man was after him in a second. "I'm tough-t-u-f-f," he said, "an' I kin lick my weight in whales. I'm going to take you for a whale. Understand?" Whether or not he took Mldoon for a thing is certain. He gave him a terrible whaling. Poor Muldoon was all broke up, and when the red-shirted man swaggered out, Muldoon felt as if somebody had dumped a load of bricks onto him. He got sorrowfully up off of the floor where the bad man had laid him, put a placard on the door of the barber shop: "Closed in consequence av death in the family," and pedes trianated home. Arriving there he found a grand old circus in the parlor. Mrs. Muldoon was weeping violently, with her apron thrown over her head. "Whurra.-whurra! bad cess to the day I was born!" cried she. "Frayquently have I had occasion to remarll: the same," said Muldoon "What is it now, Bridget? Has the canary bird spasms or has yer delicate ram swallowed the sub-cellar?" "They're both drownded, oh-oh-oh!" sobbed Mrs. Muldoon. "Who?" "Edwatdo Geoghegan an' yer child!" "Drowned in what-whisky?" "Oh, no--no! Edwardo tuk Roger up to the Harlem River to let him see the crocodiles. They were to go up the river on a boat." "Did yez expect thim to walk. on the wather, or takea horse car?" "Oh, no--no the biler's bust." "Whose?" "The boat's-the boat that runs up the river. Probably Ed wardo and Roger wur on board, an' they are both dead. Oh, whirra-whirra! Go roight up to Harlem an' ascertain at wanst. "But--" "None av yer objections. Terence Muldoon, go immediately. Yez have no more feelings for the poor b'ys than a dirty ould stone dog. Go, ye omadhaun, or I will get a divorce, ye freckle faced Cuban!" Muldoon rushed out to escape from the tempest of feminine expletive. He went down to the livery stable and hired a carriage. It was a rickety old vehicle, but it was the only one to be had, and Muldoon was forced to be content For the first half mile or so, he and the driver stopped at about every gin-shop there was. Muldoon wanted to get his courage up in case anything was the matter. Presently Muldoon began to imagine he was not going fast enough. "Driver!" bawle d he, putting his head out of the window. "Yis," was the driver's reply. "Will yez koindly get out from behind the hearse?" "There ain't no hearse, sir.". "Thin why don't ye drive faster? I thought ye were fol lowing a funeral pageant." The driver whipped up his horses and away rattled the carriage. Still the pace did not suit Mulcloon. "Hurry up, driver," he cried, "will yez touch up the crow baits?" Off they sped at a furious rate. Muldoon jolted up and down in the carriage. He flew from roof to floor and back again as the carriage jolted over the rough pavements. Suddenly. there was a crash. Amidst a shower of splinters, Muldoon's legs descended tlirough the bottom of the carriage. Several boards had given away. His.feet touched the cobble-stones. It was impossible for him to extricate himself, and he could not remain still, as if he did he would fall right through the hole he had made and get run over. He had to run and keep up with the carriage's pace. "Driver-driver!" shrieked Muldoon, putting his head out of the window; "stop, for Heaven's sake! The fiure av me barouche has capsized!" The driver grinned. He was pretty full and he did not hear Muldoon's remark in telligently. "All right, sir-go faster yet! he replied, as he whipped up his horses. Muldoon's legs went like pistpn strokes. The sweat poured off his brow. "Howly Moses he groaned, "tin to wan I've got to run all av th_e way to Harlem!" CHAP'rER VIII. Although M!ildoon yelled wildly out .of the window for it to stop and reiease him from his predicament, the carriage did not stop. The driver, who was partially deaf and wholly drunk, did not understand Muldoon's appeals. He took them to be orders to drive faster all the while. Therefore he licked up his old crowbait nags, and got all the speed out of them possible. It was not much, but it was enough for Muldoon The poor little Irishman's legs went like clock-work. It was fun for him. Now he would skip nimbly over a pile of brick; then he would go down to his knees in a mud-hole; next he would be dragged half across a railway track, or fall deep into an exca vation. The sweat rolled down his l egs and into his shoes. M It is floating in me patent leather socks I will soon he," he exclaimed. "Help-help-help! Will somebody koindly shoot that son av a gun av a driver?" His cries attPacted attention from the passing vehicles, and also from the pedestrians on the sidewalk. They did not know what to make of it. A man go ing up Third avenue with his head out of a carriage window and his legs out of the bottom was certainly a curiosity. "Crazy!" commented one. "Drunk!" suggested a second. "I am not," bawled Muldoon; "lind m e a battle-ax." "What for?" asked a small boy, vainly trying to keep pace with the carriage by running. "Till I hurl it at the divil that's dhriving. Howly Virgin, me legs will me wore out to me knees by the toime I ree.ch Harlem!" Muldoon roared. But the driver didn't care. He was whirling along at a dreadful pace, knocking over old women, upsetting children, running into street cars and back ing out again in a most commendable style, all the while Imag ining he was gr.eatly pleasing Muldoon by the rapid rate of progression.

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:M:ULDOON'S BOARDING HOUS'E. 19 Presently Muldoon caught sight of a mounted policeman. It was like an oasis in a desert to a parched traveler. "Help!" screeched Muldoon, "rescue me, ye cavalry peeler. Stop me barouche an' I'll present yez wid a gould club wid an Italian to practice it on!" The policeman did not catch Muldoon's words, but he co11:jectured from his actions that something was wrong. He spurred hi"s horse and soon overtook the carriage. In a second, almost, he had stopped it. "What does all this mean?" he asked, curiously. Muldoon extricated himself from the carriage. ''Luk at me," groaned he; will yez gaze at the disaster? Three cints.a pound for ould rags is about what I will fetch. Officer, will yez please take me where I cau borry an assassin?" "Are you crazy?" queried the officer. "Divil a bit. But I want a good skilled murdherer till I slaughter the chromo who drove me here." I didn't know the bottom was out of the carriage," said the driver. "Yez should have had telephonic communication wid it," Muldoon answered. I almost hope H.oge r is .dead. It would break his heart to see such a study in mud as meself a-postur ing for his originator.'" where .were you going?" laughed the officer. "Afther me son." "VV"here is he?" "In heaven, probably; I hear he wint up wid a boiler explosion." "There hasn't bee any boiler explosion around." "Not upon the Harlem O cean?" "No, that was simply a hoax." Muldoon's face, at this information, was a complete prototype of rage. '"Yez <:ould live to be six hut;idred and eight, Terence MU'ldoon," he said, a nd yet a six weeks' ould baby could play ye for a sucker. Officer:" "'''e ll'!" "Have yez a crippled grandmother and a small sister wid the Then a second shrill, boyish voice a .nnounced: "Oh, ma, we had a bully racket. l fell into the river and got wet, and Mr. Geoghegan tried to dry me oft'. wid a burning glass and he set fire to my clothes. I've got three hop toads and a dead crab in my pocket and--" Young Roger's voice was checked by the rush of his motlier, who was hugging him like mad. "'Me darlint!-me darlint!-ye are here alive-ye an:d Mr. Geoghegan! cried she. Edwardo gently intimated that not only was he alive, but he was in a particularly lively mood for some supper. Explanations follow ed. "Muldoon said ye were blew up," Mrs. Muldoon remarked. "He were getting ye on a string," answered Edwardo. Peddling ye taffy, as it were." Mrs. Muldoon gritted her teeth and vanished. Five minu(es later sounds of a pitched battle issued from the kitchen. When Muldoon appeared at supper one of his sluggers was torn off, and the bald spot on top of his head enlarged by several inches. 'Edwardo," whispered he, sadly, "take me advice-never get married. It is betther to live in a cage wid a bald-headed hyena. than to cont(St wid a wife. ltemimber, Edwardo, I am giving it to ye straight, loike a barrel av a gun." A week passed on without any event worthy of recording. Until Muldoon one particularly sultry day got struck by one of his periodical happy thoughts. It was nothing less than a trip to Coney Island. It was to be a stag party. "We will dispense wid the prisence av unlovely woman for this occasion only," d eclared Muldoon. .. I intend to play off for a bachelor. Ah, it was a great favorite I was wid the so ciety belles before I was married." Most of the male boarders succeeded in getting away from their business and joined the band. It was a noble-looking crew that started to take a Coney Isl and boat early one morning There was Muldoon, radiant in a shiny suit of black, with a red-red rose in his button-hole. consumption?" There was Edwardo Geoghegan in a loud, eleven-dollar light ;r'he said by_ wonderful luck he had both. suit, and a white hat with a poker-dot blue ribbon, enough in r give yez tm to let me go_ around and lic k J himself to break the hearts of all the Island girls. them, offered Muldoon. It is square I will get onto some-There was H ippocrates Burns, armed with a mastodon umbody." f brella and a white necktie, ready to burst into poetry at the :You better go home and put your hea
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20 ULDOON'S BOARDING HOUS E. "Is it ginger-bread nuts yez have in the bag?" asked Muldoon. ''No!" scornfully replied Hippocrates. "Perhaps 'tis soft-shell lobsters, yez Belgravia epicure?" "No, sir; it is an ode. "Do yez carry it baked?" Hippocrates looked the personification of superior intellect. "Mr. Muldoon," said he, "I arri astonished at yer ignorance. What do you suppose an ode is?" Muldoon left it to the gang. The alderman thought it was a new name for Washington pie. Edwardo said it was crackers. Terry Rafferty knew it was a sea bird. His mother swept out an aquarium on ce, and she had seen one "in a cage. Mr. Fitz Murphy declared it was a Brazilian pear When he had sailed down the Nile he had seen lots of them. As for Stuyvesant Riley, he turned up his said it was something nasty, and he was not going to talk about it. Poor Hippocrates was paralyzed at the knowledge of his friends. "It is a piece of poetry," informed he, "dedicated to the Ocean. Shall I read it?" Muldotm said, with a sigh, he stay if the rest would. The rest agred to. Hippocrates unrolled his "MSS." It w a s a moment for the young poet. In a deep voice he began: ;. Oh ocean rolling stealthy With a sea-breeze very healthy, On the sand so white and shiny, Covered with clam-shells so tiny, Shall I never plow thy bosoll:'--" Here Muldoon arose. "Hippocrates, burn it up," said he, "it ia indacent. Fhat do you mane by plowing anybody's bosom? Perhaps ye imagine the ocean has no friends in the gang!" "Poetical license," murmured Hippoctates. "Who licensed ye?" "You don't understood, Il!r. Muldoon; metaphor always speaks." "I don't care if he does. I do not know metaphor and I don't want to. Begorra, I cau lick him if he is twice as big as meself." It took Hippocrates about half an hour to explain the mean-ing of metaphor. But at last he succeed ed, and Muldoon collapsed. "Go ahead wid the outrage," sullenly commanded he. qippocrates began where he had left off: "Shall I 1never plow thy bosom? \Vhat, n ever plow." "Slug him, Gallagher!" shouted Muldoon, picking up a stool. Three chairs, one bench, six stools and a coil of rope hit Hippocrates at once. He described a most beautiful somersault and landed in a lump upon the deck. "What have I done?" gasped he, as he gazed upon the threat-ening visages all about him. "Be Heavens! ye have done enough to be pitched overboard!" answered Muldoon; '"ye have endeavored to give us 'Pinafore.' Ye will attimpt to ring in yez 'What, never'-will ye?" Hippocrates pleaded for mercy. He declared it was uninten tional. "I was wrapt up in me poetry," said he. "It is wrapped up .in a sheet, wid cints over yer eyes ye will be soon if ye kape on Muldoon responded; "I wish I had brought ye along in a canary fish cage. It wud have been safer." "Coney Isfand!" cried one of the boat hands, interrupting the conversation, much to the poet's great relief. The boarders disembarked. They started off of the pier on shore, and were soon in the midst of the babel, merriment, side-shows and pleasure-seekers which constitude the Island's democratic west end. The donkeys mashed Muldoon "Luk at the pretty darlint," said he. "Shure I wud loike to buy one for a pet. "Bedad, it wud kick yer house down in tin minutes," growled the alderman. "See how nice they travel," disregarded Muldoon, pointing to a donkey who was placidly traveling over the beach with a little child on its back. "Why don't ye ride wan?" queried Edwardo. "Ye would make a splendid figure for a chromo." "He couldn't ride a stone fence, much less a donkey," said the alderman. "Do ye desire .the man to be killed?" "I can ride," Muldoon put in. ''Fhat-a gate?" "Alderman, y.e are too brand new-ye should rub mud on yer clothes to make ye luk ould. I will ride a donkey." ''Thin ride yerself." .,, Muldoon paid no heed to this sarcastic remark. He walked over to the man who runs the donkeys. "I want a donkey," he <;aid. "Fifty cents an hour," was the reply. "Be jabers, I .don't want to buy wan!" "Fifty cents an hour." "Faix, that is intensely gilt-edged," reflected Muldoon; "shure, a personage who wud hire a donkey for a day has got to be a millionaire. But I will take one, if the boarders have to exist on water pudding and air !:'Oup for the nixt cintury!" Muldoon picked out his donkey. It was a gray one with its hair banged and a pervading ap pearance of general innocence. In fact, a donkey whose total ambition was to die young, go to heaven, and carry angels around upon a celestial beach. "He doesn't kick?" queried Muldoon. "No, sir," earnestly answered the man who owned him. "Begorra, I would loike to have him for a boarder, thin," said Muldoon. "Does he bite?" ''Not a bit." "Gentle?" ''Asa baby." Satisfied with 'the donkey's character, Muldoon got upon his back. His boarders were grouped around, enjoying the racket im mensely. "What an elegant set of statuary for a back yard," praised Terry Rafferty. "I wud give sixteen cints to have it in red on me necktie," proclaimed Edwardo. Bedad, if it went down Broadway it would be arristed," the alderman "By and by ye will see Muldoon open a trap-dure in h is brother's back and get inside," Mr. Fitz Murphy said, with great mental effort Muldoon paid no attention to the jeers of his friends. He touched up his donkey with .the whip provided for the purpose. Off it went with a gentle trot. "Look at me, ye suckers!" invited Muldoon; "it is superb. The donkey is jest as mild as respectable butther. He iswhoa, there, ye son av a jackass!" The last remark was addressed to the vaunted donkey. It had begun to act in a most surprising and unpleasant style. It was kicking vigorously with all of its feet at once, and trying its best to bile Muldoon's leg off. "Whoa-whoa! ye equine divil, or I'll pull the brick momh off av ye! Muldoon cried. 'l'll.e donkey didn't care. He kept up with his circus, and Muldoon wenf through a series of phenomenal p0stures which would have done credit to a profesional contortionist. "The baste is so gentle." "It doesn't kick." "Ye couldn't coax it to bite." "A six-days' ole baby could steer it wid safety." 'rhus ironically remarked the envious boarders as they watched the combat between Muldoon and the The donkey had suddenly got the bit between his teeth and started on a dead run for the ocean. Away he went, knocking over small children, upsetting baby carriages, completely breaking up several peanut firms, and raising the old duke generally, while Muldoon was clinging to his neck. "Jump off!" cried Mr. Fitz Murphy; "Niver!" Muldoon cried back; "I'm going to steer the wild baste into the surf and drow-;-him!" But to a candid spectator it would seem as if the donkey had the same idea in regard to Muldoon Anyhow, the sequel justified the idea. The donkey ran on until he got up to his knees in the breakers. "Hould on-hould on, ye fairy quadruped!" shouted the al derman; "ye are going the wrong way! The walking match is in Ameriky, not England, this year." I

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MULDOON'S BOARDING HOUSE. 21 Whether this speech influenced the donkey or not, he came to a halt as quickly as il somebody had applied air brakes tt> him. Muldoon immediately flew over his head right into an incom; ing wave. When he was picked up he was wet; indeed, judging from the brine which dropped from all parts of his clothes, it would appear as if he were tring to play fountain. Tenderly his laughing boarders walked him u.p to a bathing house, put him in a bathing suit, and dried his clothes. Salt water dries very quickly, especially under the influence of a hot sun, and he was soon enabled to resume his apparel. He wanted to go right back and massacre the donkey, and the man who owned him. "Any man who wud lie is mane enough to ate mud, an' I will kill him wid his own donkey," he roared. But he was pursuaded not to by the sight of a new wonder. It was a merry-go-'round, or, as they are sometimes called, a carousal. It is a series of .imitation and other animals, r;i.:pported upon long iron arms extended from a centre pole. By the aid of simple machinery the horses, and so forth, fly rapidly around in a circle. You can ride upon his noble machine for five cents a ride. Muldoon fell in love with it. .. I in tend to purchase one meself an' place it upon the back piazzy," he said. Let's all ride," Stuyvesant Riley. I wouldn't," sarcastically answered Muldoon, muss yer open-work socks." We'll all ride," said Edwardo. "ye might "I am agreeable," Muldoon returned; "shure a wooden horse can't bite or kick." So it was agreed that the whole band should take a trip upon the merry-go-'round. There was just about enough mounts for them all. They got on. The man turned the crank which set the horses going, and "I'm s-sick!" gasped Stuyvesant Riley, whose stomach was none of the strongest. "Throw up, ye daisy," advised the alderman, who was hang ing on for dear life; "faix, I niver got such a ride for foive cints in me loife! The crowd of scoffing boys, jeering men and interested women enjoyed the racket greatly. It was a free show not heretofore included among the sights at Coney Island. Look at the sun-struck Micks!" "It is a mile they make in 2:12!" "The machine will never stop--they'll die of starvation!" Would you sherry the chromo on the yaller nag!" "Ah, sock him wid an egg, Paddy!" Thus bawled the spectators, and there must have been at least fifty Paddy' s in the crowd, for Muldoon got a liberal "socking" with eggs. Not only eggs alone.,but sand and clam shells and fish corpses .(lew at him. to remark, he was as wild as a boy who accidentally sits down upon a hornet's nest. 'rt is a sixteen stame power murderer I will be whin I get off," he threatened; There was a sudden crack, as if something had snapped. The merry-go'round stopped dead still. So sudden \vas the stoppage that the demoralized riders flew in all directions. Muldoon. knocked down a fat woman, struck on his head on a baby carriage and finally reached the ground along with a totally astonished young negro. "Good Lawd, massa, you hit harder den a mule!" exclaimed the stricken moke. Muldoon piCked himself up. There was a burly GerI!'.lan lieggar near by on crutches, who was imploringly holding out a cigar box for alms. Without a word Muldoon kicked the cirgar box fi;Ying into the air, tripped up the beggar and threw his crutches over the heads the crowd. around and around they went. 'You ought to be ashamed of yourself!" cried out a vinegar First they thought it was Muldoon whooped and faced old maid. howled In a style which attracted a big crowd, who derisively watched his antics. "Be Heavens! I am going to get square on somebody!" vocif-But at last he got enough of it. .., erated Muldoon. "If there are any paralytics or consumptives "Stop the riding rink," ordered he. widin reach show thim to me. Me name is Ram, and I am on An expression of mingled dismay and surprise came over the the butt!" face of the man in charge. The crowd scattered in all directions, and left Muldoon in "DarnEd if I can!" he said; "the darned old machine' is busted." ''How long have we to ride?" "Till next summer, for all I know." ''Howly Heaven!" Muldoon yelled "it is seasick I am get ting! Stop it wid an ax---<:an't yez?" The crowd roared. As Muldoon whirled around they began to pelt him with all sorts of missiles. In vain ne stormed and raved. Every time he appeared in range the crowd gave it to him. possession of the scene. One by one his boarders got themselves together and found out that they were whole yet. A few bruises and several skin scrapes were all of the injuries received. After a 'few moments for repose, they started off for fresh fields of adventure. "Bedad, I wud 1ather ride a buffalo bull than a wooden ma chinery horse, declared Muldoon. "Mike Magee, have yez a sup av terbacky?" "Mike Magee ain't here," replied Terry Rafferty. "Where is he?" "Oh, ye darty suckers!" he yelled, as he whirled around, half "The last I saw of him he was flying over a bathing house toot!' of his horse. "wait till the d--d thing stops-I'll murclher ward Europe," declared Edwardo. the mob av yez!" CHAPTER IX. Muldoon was in a nice fix. The merry-go-'round was merrily going around with a vengeance, but there was nothing merry about the party who were goi .ng around with it. "Howly Moses, will it iver cessate?" cried Muldoon; "if I wur not afraid av breaking me neck I wud le'p ofl'.1 "Here he comes now," Mr. Fitz Murphy announced. Sure enough, Mike-quiet Mike-appeared. His nose was scarred, and one eye looked as if some one had kindly put a mourning band around it. -"Phat ails ye?" asked the alderman. "I had a brief conversation with the terrier wot runs the dummy ho.rses," Mike answered, as modestly as possible. "How did it terminate?" interrogated Muldoon. "I left him for dead on a pile of clam shells," answered Mike, as he walked away. "Arrah, there'i:; a b'y for yez," admiringly eulogized Mul-

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22 1\IULDOON'S BOARDING HOUSE. doon; "aisy wid the chin, but. a divil wid the fist. If he had a little more science I belave he could get away wid meself." As Miki! could have broken Muldoorr up completely, the boarders exchanged various sarcastic remarks at the obser vation. Muldoon didn't care. He had struck a new object. It was a small cage mounted onto a platform. Inside of the cage were several canaries. Outside of the cage was a little box, just within reaching distance of the canaries, filled with small envelopes. A wiry Frenchman stood alongside of the cage, actively shouting: ''Walk up-walk up, leedies an' gentlemen. \Ze greatest marvel of ze age. You haf ze fortune of yourself told by ze leetle canaries for ze ver small sum of ze dime." Muldoon paused in amazement. "Do yez mane to tell me, ye Communist," asked he, "that one av those canaries can tell me fortune?" "Oui," responded the Frenchman. "They can't spake, can they?" riNo, sare." "Phat is he giving us?" asked the alderman. "Muldoon, will yez plaze to request the frog-ater to enunciate in American." "Begob, alderman, ye have no I can paralyze him in his own tongue," Muldoon returned. "Mossoo, parley vous Frongsay?" "Ou!," answered the delighted Frenchman. "Which manes, 'Yes,'" said Muldoon. "Hear me give it to him again. Mossoo, spikle sie Dutch?" vat, sare?" Spikle sie Dutch?" "Me no comprehend." "Ye are a pretty picthure for a Frinchman," disgustedly said Muldoon. "Ye don't know yez own vocabulary. Bedad, I be lave yez are an Italian in disguise." The Frenchman did not know. He gave it up in a hopeless sort of way. "M'sieur have his fortune told by ze bairds?" he begged. M'sieur Muldoon would if somebody else would first. Terry Rafferty volunteered to be the victim. "Colin," ordered the Frenchman, "pick out ze gentleman's fortune." Colin-a pretty canary-advanced to the bars of the cage, inserted his head in the outside, and placed his bill upon an envelope "Shure, it is sorcery," criticised Muldoon; "it is six months wid the Quid Nick the bird has been." Inside of the envelope was Terry Rafferty's fortune. lt was a regular gilt-edge, silk-lined, gold-tasseled fprtune. He was to marry a rich wife, have nineteen or twenty lovely children, be intensely and improbably successful in all of his undertakings, and finally die a police captain. "Bad cess to it, give him no more such fortunes," growled Muldoon, "or it is too recent he will be around me hotel. He. will be wanting gould fringe on his towels an' perfumery on his "Have your fortune tould now, Muldoon," requested Mr. Fitz Murphy. Muldoon consented. The bird picked out a second envelope, and Edwardo pos sessed himself of it. ''Shall I read it aloud?" "Av course," Muldoon replied; "give It to the group. If it kills seven or eight I will purchase all av the canary aquarium and have me fortune towld ivery morning." Edwardo began: '"l'he gentleman to whom this fortune belongs is handsome, amiable and generous to a fault--" "Thrue, begorra!" enthusiastically interrupted Muldoon. "Photographs av me can be obtained at any grocery store, six cents a bunch!" "He is married--" "Luk at me bald head and judge for yerselfs!" "But his wife will die soon." "If I thought so I wud get intoxicated with delightful sorrow." "He will marry again-a blonde lady." "Never! the only blonde lady I know is Mrs. McCarty, and she has a mouth loike a cellar and wears celluloid teeth." "She will bring him a large fortune." "Go ahead, that is not Mrs. McCarty. All her owld man left her whin he died was a box of starch and a wooden leg." "They will have many children." "Faix, we'll fill the woods wid thim!" "But a dark hadow crosses his life line here." "Copper on the dark shadow, Edwardo, an' play the loife line to win." 'He will be hung !or sheep stealing." There W3.l! a grand burst of laughter from the hearers of this most Inglorious finale to Muldoori's brightly-colored fortune As for Muldoon himself, he was mad. "It is a d .arty swindle," roared he. "I will have the canaries pulled by the perlice. They in wid the mob to make a howly show out av me!" But the crowd finally persuaded him it was only a joke, and he was cooled into moving on, only pausing long enough to in form the Frenchman that the next time he came down to Coney Island he was going to bring along a bald-headed eagle who would chew up canaries, cage, fortunes, and everything else in a gulp. Slowly the boarders strolled along the dashing waves, taking in everything. The sight of the water inspired in Stuyvesant H.iley's breast a desire to be Into it. "Let's go in bathing, you know-quite th.e propah capah," he remarked. "Won in the waves and get refreshed." "Yez don't want to get refrQiihed," remarked Muldoon; "yez are fresh enough_ already. A roll in the mud would suit ye betther." "Arrah, Muldoon," good-naturedly said the alderman, "ye are too hard on our daisy. We all wan.ta bath bad enough." "Ixciptlng av meself, alderman. I had a bath three weeks agq, and it is not undermining me constitution I am goin' to by incessant cowld wather," retorted Muldoon. "Arrah, come on, ye chromo kicker," said Edwardo. "Let's go to Manhattan Beach." "Divil a bit!" said Muldoon. "Why not?" "It is too high-toned they are altogether there. Bed ad, there is a place they call the hippodrome there where they let the gang in for tin cints a head to blaggard the bathers. No, sir; I want to go where it Is dlmocratic." Such a spot was soon found. Bathing houses are as plentiful as at that part of Coney Island. It was run by a plebeian named McDermott. He dished suits out to the crowd, fired towels at them, and directed them w their bathing houses, which were all in a row, and of the most dilapidated state of architecture possible. Of course Muldoon's was the craziest old ruin of them all. "Lind me a pin, Rafferty," requested he, as he surveyed It. "What for?" "Till I pin me bathing house fast to me shirt. It will blow away if I don't." But notwithstanding the fact of the instability of the bathing house, Muldoon managed to get undressed, and struggled into his suit. It was a nice bathing suit.

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MULDOON S BOARDING HOUSE 2:J It was made Of red flannel and hol es-principally hol es. If it 'lYer bathing suit will b e a-bursting soon an' showing that had b e .en put up be for e a window it would h a ve made a g ood ye h ave the leprosy!" M u ldoon shouted ; "take yer clothes and mosquj.to lilar ; put them on Bes i des, it fitted Muldoon too much. With the l a s t w o r ds he 1hurled the bundle of clQthes. It seemed to have been built for a balloon noticing the graceOve r the heads of t h e surprised bathers, over the foam-topped ful way in w h ich i t hung i n fo l d s from Muldoo n's sho ulde rs. w a ves flew the bundle, fin a ll y splSl>hing into the water right. The boarders got onto it the very moment that Muldoon ap-in front of t h e a lderman. peared. Muldoon h 'ciwled with delight. "Fill in wid rocks!" roared ;Edwardo Geoghegan. He prome naded up and down the beach as if he owned all of: "Stale an,auger till I tap h im; i t is the dropsy he has got, Coney Island and was. jus t .letting folks come there for run. sure!" cried the alderman. "Wburra," he chuckled, me name 1s Mud, and I live in a And so the rest of them capped in, and it to Muldoon gutther. Anybody can make fun av me for I wur made for heavy until.he got mad. that purpose Look at the. alderman, his clothes are wet com-"Bedad, I'll give eight dollars for a trained shark that would He will have to go home in a bathing house or a bar devour the whole av them!" he muttered, as he plunged out rel. Ob, yes, yez can do anything or call me any names yez from shore. plaze. I won t thry to hit back. Oh, no!" The alderman was watching him. Meanwhile the alderman was apprehensively untyin g the "Get out, Muldoon!" bawled he. bundle. "Why?" <1-sked our hero. "Sure, it i s against the law for to go in must be dumped six miles further down the bay!" "I! the tarrier has bathe_ d me clothes in the brine, I'll walk AJl refuse down his neck and jump on his spine till it breaks! declared he. There were' several girly-girlies in bathing, and they giggled greatly at the alderman, whereby the alderman began to be lieve he had been cut out for a circu s c lown a n d continued be ing fun y. "Arrah, Muldoon, said he, '"it is a pity ye have not a calcium light on yer head What an elegant lighthouse ye would make!" The girly-girlies laughed some more, and the alderman took a second encore. "Don' t go too far out," he requested, "or somebody will be harpooning av ye for a porpoise. Or perhaps y e had be tter buy some fioats and request the Harbor Commissioner to set ye up in the for a harbor buoy! "Ain' t he cunning?" angrily retorted Muldoon. "I niver were aware before that jackasses could swim:; but begorra, there is a spaking wa,n in the wather now Although Muldoon tried to pass it over jokingly, he was i n reality wroth. "The idea av slch wan-ey e d riddle as Alderman Lobscou s e making ridicule av me murmured he. "Jealou&. he is av me fairy face and me athletic shape. Wait, I will get square on the political ghost." In pursuance of his plan for vengeance he skipped stealthily up to the bathing house. Hooks and shelves were foreign luxuries in said bathing. houses ; the bathers, at Muldoon's suggestion had tied their clothes in bundles and placed them on the floor of their bath ing houses. Muldoon opened the door of the bathing palace occupied by the alderman. A bundle of clothes was upon the fioor, neatly tied up in a pair of suspenders. Muldoon hardly noticed them. He 'saw that they were clothes, and instantly took them for .the alderman's. Placing the bundle under his aqn, he ran down to the beach The alderman was a prominent figure in the breakers. He h\Ld made rapid progress into the acquaintance of the two girly-girHes, and was pleasantly engaged in jumping them up lnto the air every time that a big wave rolled in. Muldoon was horrified. "An ould billy goat like him to be playing masher wid the girls," he r efiected. "He's sixty if he's a year, and his whis kers would be as white as the wall if he didn't put stove polish on aich hair Ivery morning, I'll larn him a lesson In pursuance of this virtuous scheme Muldoon elevated his voice and the bundle of clothes at the same time. "Alderman! yelled he. "'Gorilla-ahoy yelled back the alderman. A puzz le d look came over his face as he held up the d ipping coat to gaze at i t. "Mishla murtha! cried he, "it is Muldoon's own sack frock." He examined the pants. They were Muldoon s, too The alderman just doubled up, not minding the waves which were rolling over him, and fairly screeched with laughter. Muldoon did not know what to make of it. "He is so mad he is having spasms," he conjectured. "Fool wi d a natural dayscendant av Dan O'Connell's, will he? "Muldoon-Muldoon! ye paralyzed Mick do ye know what ye have done?" yelled the alderman. "Fhat?" Y e have chucked your own clothes into the water." Yez can g i ve me no taffy." "But ye have. Luk at your coat," and the alderman held i t up. Muldoon recognized it. Talk about a mad Mick. Yon ought just to have got a bird's-eye view of Muldoon the next ten minutes. He stamped and roared, and swo r e in a style which was sad to behold and fearful to see. "Edwardo--Edwardo," begged he, a big boy wid a club, I want to hire wan to welt me head off." "What' s tip?" asked Edwardo, pretending innocence, as he emerged from the sad sea waves. "I have c hucked me apparel into the briny deep." "Why did you do it?" "I thought it was the alderman's. Shure I found it in his bathing. house." ..-"No wonder you got sold," laughed Edwardo. "Why?" "Terry Rafferty changed the bundles of clothes around to play a joke on the gang when they came out of the water." "A joke is it?" declared Muldoon; "be Heavens, I can stand a joke, but this is a scurvy outrage. Tell Terry Rafferty I will niver hould converse wid him again." By this time, the rest of the picnic party had arrived at the scene. One thing was plain. Muldoon could not proceed further till his clothes dried. Gentlemen in wet bathing suits are not desired as ornaments to any hotel or promenade. There were n o clothes to be procured which would 11.t Mul doon, and if he kept on hls bathing suit he was very likely to take cold. He also obet,inately refused to go to bed.

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'. 24 MULDOON'S BOARDING HOUSE. Here was a dilemma. At last Edwl!XdO had a happy thought. .. Bury him in the sand," said he, with a quiet wink. Do yez take me for a clam?" Muldoon asked "Why, it's nice," said Edwardo "We'il put you up to your neck in soft, white, warm sand, an yez r.an gaze around at the scenery till your clothes get dry. The rest of the crowd chimed in, and talked Muldoon into believing that next to going to heaven, being buried in the sand was the most enjoyable thing in the world. So he consented A hole in the soft, drifting sand was soon scooped out, and Muldoon placed in-it. Then the sand was patted and stamped down over him um.1 he could not extricate himself without assistance. All that was Yisible was his head. Then EdwardO' volunteered to stay by Muldoon while the rest went oir and had dinner. When his companipns were out of sight Edwardo began gath ering pieces of driftwood, and shaping them c lub-fashion. "Fhat are ye do ing w id the shillelahs?" Mul doon queried Going to eat them," humorously replied Edwardo. "Wait till you see-you'll laugh rale audibly." Next Edwardo put a P!>tato on Mul doon's head "It will kape the sand flies away from ye, he alleged. PresenUy a c rowd of pleasure seekers some pretty full of beer, came strolling along. Edwardo intercepted them with his clubs. "Here ye are! cried he, "a dollar to any man who can knock the pratie off av the dummy' s head Six clubs for a quarter!" There was a rush for clubs. "Ai m between the eyes advised Edwardo, "and y e'll fetch the pratie, sure!" Whiz__:whiz! bang! flew the clubs about Muldoon's h e ad. Some of the crowd who could not afford to buy clubs began firing other missiles. ye blaggards! yelled Muldoon, as he tried to doqge from one side to the other. "Be Heavens I am aloive!" CHAPTER X. "Begorra, I am aloive! persisted Muldoon "Yer lie!" a Bowery boy as he aimed a big club "I say, cully, when yer hit ther pertater does the bell ring?" "Yis," calmly answered Edwardo; "take a good sight." "What ls that target, anyhow?" queried a near-sighted gen-tleman. The crowd eagerly informed him. "It's a wegetable." "It's a termatty." "It's a patenl skull Piat speaks by machinery." "The waves washed it up. "Guess it floated ashore off of a garbage barge. "To my eyes," respondeathe ge n tleman, as he peered through a pair of gold-rimmed eyeglasses, "it look!' more like the head of a gorilla. What.makes it shake so? "Dig me up, an' I'll show ye, ye four-eyed ould curiosity!" bawled Muldoop.. "Ah, shut up! yelled the Bowery boy; "we don't want no back talk from a target. "Take it away on a shovel anyhow," suggested a spectator; "it draws flies." "I'll give you six cents to hit id wid a glub," said a Dutch-man to Edwardo. "I'll give yer sixty cents to let me cut off its ears with a razor," bid the Bowery boy. "Jolin takee it, proposed a Chinese cigar peddler; "he puttee it alon g with rattee doggee-makee belly nicee pie!" "Howly Virgin!" Muldoon roared, "would yez comprehend it? A haythen-a moon-eyed leper, wid a pig-tail lolke to a clothes line, make poi out av me head! Edwardo Geoghegan, if a,m ever excavated from this tomb, may Heaven )l.ave mercy on yez!" The Bowery boy took an extensive quid of tobacco from his cheek and mixed it with a little sand. "Don't want no more chin-music from an educated head," he said, as he dexterously flung the quid. It hit Muldoon in the mouth. It effectually plastered up that organ. "Perhaps that is the. way they intind giving me me meals," he could only splutter; "they'll be shooting drinks at me wid a syringe' nixt. Ah! Muldoon-Muldoon, why did yez iver come to Coney Island? If yez wanted salt air, ye could have wint out an' 1Smelt av the gutther!" Hi,s troubles, though, were not yet over. Edwardo perceived the fairy form of a young charmer thi. he knew disappearing around a corner, and Edwardo basely abandoned Muldoon, an_d hied after her. The Bowery boy constituted himself sole pro-prieto. r of Muldoon. He stuffed sand in Muldoon s ears. He filled his nose with sea-weed. He poured clam juice in his eyes. He caught a festive fiddler crab, and encouragM it to walk up and down over Muldoon's head, and bite at the bald spot. Altogether, he treated Muldoon in much the same kind and humane manner displayed by a cat toward a mouse. "Derned ef I've had sich fun since we busted up a nigger cake walk in East New York, an' I gouged the eyes out of the manager, he said. Just as he was about fencing off Muldoon s head for the purpose of exhibiting it at a cent a look as a devil-fish there was a cry of : "Cheese it--coppers!" The. Bowery boy only waited to set fire toMuldoon's hai r with his cigar, and then he at an extremely lively pace. The copper alias police soon arrived. They were two .. Muldoon somewhat incoherently explained the dilemma. "Got to lock yer up," announced one, after a brief consultation. "For what?" groaned Muldoon "Getting burled in the sand without a permit. "Shure I couldn't help it." Besides yer hair is burning." "The divil!" Got to lock yer up for that. Don't allow fireworks on the bea1_h in tiie day time." ''f'or Heaven' s sake how much do I owe yez for salt a ir?" asked Muldoon; "I have been breathing for almost twinty minutes widout a pass. "Let's leave him here," suggested one o( the copp ers," "till I go down to Brooklyn and get out a warrant for him. He can't get away." "Don't, ye ewate angels," Muldoon begged ; "dig me upI'm a buried treasure. Faix, I bleed gould I'll give ye foive dollars to pull :me-.out." Five dollars put quite a different light upon the subject. In a few minutes the two officers were diligently diggi n g away with epades. In a few minutes more Muldoon was extended under an old sail on the beach, guarded by one officer while the other was going aftei:_: his clothes. Luckily they were dry-at least dry enough to put on With the assistance of the two .officers whom five dollars had converted into active auxiliaries, Muldoon was dressed. By their assistance also he secured a clean collar and a very gaudy necktie, also a pair of paper cuffs These, in to a shave obtained at the Brighton, ii.nil

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MULDOON'S BOARDING HOVSE. 25 a very giddy bouquet pinned upon his coat lapel, rendered Muldoon far mo r e gaudy than he had been originally. He f0,und his boarders, minus Edwardo, discussing c lam chowder at a refreshment stand. "Whlrra, Muldoon!" exclaimed Terry Rafferty; "ye are as pretty as a fairy." "It is a Broadway statue he is," concurred Mr. Fritz Murphy. "If ye wint down to the surf now ye would mash all av the faymale say-gulls," said the alderman. "How is it, ye jug gler? We lave yer bare-naked. in the sand, and ye reappear wid the splendidness av a bally girl." Muldoon explained. Everybody winked, and said that Edwardo's conduct was awful. "But niver moind, Muldoon," condoled Terry, "ye look bet ther than ever. Just see that daisy beyant a-gazin' at ye." Muldoon gazed in the direction Indicated. A woman, with a spotted black and white veil which ef ftfctually concealed her features, was staring hard at our hero When she noticed she was observed by him she moved slowly away, ever and anon turning her head as if to encourage him to follow :qer. "Ye have a mash," said Terry; "go for it." The woman. had a small hand, a11d a sly wind just then gave a fleeting vtew of a well-shaped foot, daintily encased in op en work slippers. "Brace it," said F itz Murphy. "I wish she wud give me the chance. Muldoon pulled hi:;; shirt collar up, his paper cuffs down and held 'his head up very high. "It is gone on me shape I suppose she is," declared Mul doon "Faith, I don' t blame her; when I was a bye all av the gals used to call me 'Purty Terry.' The boarders grinned aloud at this egotistic remark. "She's Olrlsh, begob by her accent, said Muldoon In au aside. Then aloud. "I niver fiat ther miss; It is ag'ainst me principle. Shall we promenade t h e boulevard. beyant the breakers?" The lady was willing. They walked down to the beach, and after a while sat down upon a seat. Somehow the boarders, reinforced by the villainous Ed wardo, felt tired, too, and sat down upon another bench near by, to Muldoon's great disgust. ".What is your' name?" asked the mysterious lady of Mul doon, after a while. "Be Heavens, I will paralyze her!" thought Muldoon, asl he answered: "Romeo O'Connor Montague De Vere. I am a Frinchman av Italian birtli." "Are you married?" was the next interrogation. Muldoon sighed deeply. He had read ot noble men with broken hearts in novels, and he tried to look like one. "Ye touch me where it ls tinder," said he. "I have a saycret sorrow. I am married, but not mated." "Married, but not mated?" repeated the lady. "Yis.'" "Who are ye married to?" "A red-headed ould hag wid fictitious teeth, an' a breath loike to an ash cart." Muldoon's companion clenched her at this description. "Ye do not love yer wife?" was her next question. "Begorra, I wud pay slventy-five guineas to.buy her a coffin I want an affinity "What is that?" "Shure, it's girly-girly whose heart pulsates wid yer own," declared Muldoon, quite surprised at his fiow of language. "Luk at the mouth on him, would ye!" said the alder!llan; He was quite surprised at something else a moment later. bedad, a canary bird flew in the other day. He tuk it for a H .is lady friend arose, tore off her v e il, -and sto' od before h i m cage!" the very personification of rage. "Don' t be so jocular," Muldoon returned. "See me captivate "Ye bald-heade d ould dayceiver ye wud be libertine wid dyed the daisy. Good looks and winning ways woruk wid the pettisluggers!" shrieked she, as she pasted him over the head w ith coats, byes! her parasol. Muldoon started in pursui t of his prey. "St. Peter hit her with lightning," gasped Muldoon, "itis me She did not seem to object woife. It is Mrs. Muldoon." She slackened her pace so as to afford Muldoon an opportu".Ye're right," declared his enraged spouse; "yez want an nity of reaching her side. affinity, do yf!? rll get yez one. I am ould and red-headed, He quickened his gait. am I?. Begorra, Terence Muldoon if it. were not for yer po o r Two dandy young fellows ahead of him tried to speak to her, bye, Roger, I'd kill yez where ye stand. but he could see that she repulsed them. With every word the parasol descended upon Muldoon's "Sensible woman, praised Muldoon; "she will have o:ie head. av the Billy-boys that have the impression av a nursing-bottle It was only a question as to which would last the longest, still upon their teeth. It is a solid made sucker loike me-1 the parasol or Muldoo.n's head, for Mrs. Muldoon's arm seemed self Hhe is after." to be engineered by steam power. -He reached her side.. \ Needless to say it was great. graft to, the boarders on the He was cons cious that his friends were following him, watch-seat. ing every mo vement. "Muldoon, he reflected, ye IJ'.lllSt catch it, or yer reputation as a lady-killer is up w i d a balloon." It was as good as peach e s and cream to them. "Go in, Mrs. Muldoon!" "Bate the head off av him! Accordingly i n a most court eous ton e he said: "Faix, he kissing of an apple woman!" "It i s a d eloightful day, me J e ddy." "He wanted to elope wid a nurse girl not ten minutes ago!" Y e s, s i r replied the fair unknown. "Yez should have seen him hugging of the cook up to the "If it does not rain, or s now, or hurricane, the unprobabilities iron pier!" denote a pleasant atmosphere." With these and other veracious remarks did the boarders egg "Yes sir." Muldoon was getting along famously. It was plain to see that his attenti9ns were not distasteful to his lady incognito. "May I assist in conveying av yer sun umbrella?" he said. "The sun may tan those porcelain hands av yez." "You are very koirid ," replied she, coyly. "I fear ye are a flattherer. the infuriated wife on. But at last the parasol broke. Mrs. Muldoon sank down upon the bench well-nigh exhausted. "Oh, you poor divil," said she, "where is your quadroon?" "Me what?" asked poor Muldoon ;'Your quadroon." "I niver had wan." "Don't lie tO' me. Didn't I rayceive a tiligram stating ye

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. BOARDING HOUSE. were gone to Coney Island in a barouche w\d. a quadroon fay-"Ye have siven already," was Muldoon's response. "No, me male?" leddy; I have bought a Frinch bloodhound. None av yer gut"The gang have been putting up a job on ye," said Muldoon, ter pups, either. Shure, l have his pedigree wrote down on who now saw the whole racket. "Wait till w.e get home. I'll waxed paper. He wur .sired by Napoleon Bonypart's bull spltz lock the whole .Piratical <;r.ew up the ceilar an' set fire to and-dammed by iverybody that iver owned him." it!" "What wi\l ye do wid it?" asked Mrs. Muldoon. "Ye wUl do nothing av the. sort. 1 111ock ye up in the cillar, "I bought him fur a bodyguard." an feed yez pn toasted cheese loike a rat," replied Mrs. Mul"What.is that?" doon. "Put on yer hat, ye Dublin gorilla. an' come along!" "To protect me." "Where?" -"Ye nade pertection," sarcastically uttered his wife. "Ye "Home." should hire a rigiment av cavalry and a nigger for the same "I don't want to go home. Home was niver loike this," purpose. Some high-toned belle will be kidnapping av ye for protested Muldoon. your beauty." t yez wm. Niver will I trust yez off av yer own front Nevertheless Muldoon stuck to his bloodhound. stoop again, ixcepf I am wid yez," sajd Mrs. Muldoon. "Walk It was brought home that very day. along now, or I'll pull yez to New York by yer heels!" It was a terror. She seemed perfectly capable of doing it. Before it had been in the house three hours it had scared Muldoon c oncluded that submission was the best policy. young Roger into fits, bit Johanna, the servant girl; marooned With his paper cuffs nielted, his bouquet torn, his high col-Terry Rafferty on top of a ste:P-ladder, and tried to eat up th-1r lar fractured, and the glory faded forever from his necktie, refrigerator. po<>r Muldoon was escorted home by his wife, like a sparrow The only one it would obey fii, the slightest was Muldoon : under the wing of a chicken hawk. And it only minded him when it wanted to. The boarders generously acted as bodyguard and especial Muldoon named him "Bab:y:. escort. He was a baby with a vengeance. Their kindness was not, however, appreciated. He stood about six feet high, had fiesh enough for a young For they indulged in remarks-loud and scoffing remarks, ox, and when he opened his mouth it iooked like the entrance similar to those below. to a cemetery. "Oh, Muldoon's a masher!" Muldoon purchased h1m for a special purpo11e. "It'!! his Rhape captivates the daisies!" It was to put him onto Mulcahy, for Mulcahy had bought a "He did pick up a girl!" parrot not long before. "How she loves him!" .It was an intelligent parrot, and Mulcahy had educated it:. "Don' t he enjoy it?" He taught it to say: "Loo k at the naygur!" "There goes "Won't he catch it when he gets home?" Muldoon, the crank!" "Muldoon, you old Mick, you're N. G.!" But Muldoon did not appreciate their attentions. Indeed, he Having learned the parrot these few but brilliant phrases, wished they were all dead and Mulcahy hung it up in a cage outside the parlor window Over Muldoon's adventures when he got home we dra. w a veil The reimlt was that every time Muldoon passed .bY the house of silence. 1 he was saluted by the three phrases named above. Those of our readers who are married will, perhaps, guess This did not increase Muldoon's good nature, or render him at the sort of symposium which Mrs. Muldoon gave liim when more kindly inclined toward. his neighbor. she was all alone with him. Contrarily, he threatened to get a brick and "cave the he!ld Suffice it to say that the "solid man" did not appear at supoff -av the bird," but Mulcahy heard of it, and swore he would per that night; and next day, when he did show up, his face "take the law" onto him if he dared to touch a feather of the was swathed in plasters, ihis nose scratched, and his head parrot. balder than ever, besides .being ornamented with finger nail Therefore Muldoon meditated V"engeance. marks. The hound seemed to be about the proper instrument. A feeble fairy story which he to tell of being "Begob," he confided to the alderman, "I will set me bloodyblown up at midnight by a kerosene lamp, was scoffed at by hound upon that vulgar sucker. Insultin' av me via a parrot, the boarders. will he? I'll tache him, bedad, phat it is .to dale wid a terror "Own up, Muldoon," jeered the alderman, "the gray mar.e is lolke meself." the best horse. Ye have been paralyzed by the ould woman, S o It happened one day as Muldoon and Baby sat onto the and ye know it. I wondher who could have sint the tiligram stoop--Baby occupying most of the stoop--Mulcahy emerged which give yez away?" from the area. What a base hypocrite the alderman was! It was he himMulcahy was dressed up. self who had sent the telegram relative to Muldoon and some He was probably going on'. on some quiet little picnic by imaginary quadroon which had sent Mrs. Muldoon post haste himself. down to Coney Islands sea-girt shores. Now was Muldoon's chance. Notwithstanding which fact the Benedict Arnold of an al"Sic him, Baby, sic the son av a gun!" cried he, indicating derman condoled with Muldoon, and otl'.ered fabulous rewards the retreating form of Mulcahy. for the apprehension of "t>he divil wh' o sint that tiligram." Baby wanted no second invitation. For the next week Muldoon kept quiet. He bounded "off like a deer in pursuit, Muldoon holding on to He was crushed. his chain, for if he ever let the brute go, Muldoon knew well he But, as his wounds began to heal he recoyered his natural would never seen Baby again. spirits. Mulcahy did not know at ji.rst whether it was a Texan steer By way of a peace offering he took his wife to Rockaway one or a fire engine after him. day, treated her like a queen, and peace was restored between 'He cast a look behind him. the pair. "Howly Heaven!" cried he, "it's a mad bull wid Muldoon "7hat do ye conjecthure I have purchased, Mrs. M.?" asked steering av it!" he one day. "Mulcahy, ye are doomed! Sic him, Baby!" bawled Mui" Ts is a sewing machitle, Terry?" returned his spouse. doon.

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MULDOON'S BOARDING HOUSE. 27 Just then Denny Callahan, the copper, interfered. "Do you take this for Leadville, Muldoon?" shouted he; "hoVld in that dorg!" "I caa-an't," breathlessly answered Muldoon. Neither he could, for Baby was going at a gallop, while Mui cahy was fairly flying. Down the street they raced, Mulcahy first, the bl-0odhound second, Muldoon a good third, while the cop came last, vainly' trying to clug the dog's spine in two. CHAPTER XI. "Kill the dog!" "Shoot "Lasso the beast!" "Put a slug into him!"' "Poison it!" Muldoon faced the crowd with a red face and clenched fists. "Bedad, the next loonatlc that wants to destroy me pup must destroy me first!" declared lie. "Walk up, all av yez to gether, and plaze telephone for a morgue. It will be necessitated!" Only one davanced. It was Denny Callahan, with his club grasped firmly in his hand." Away went Mulcahy. He pushed Muldoon aside and darted in between Mulcahy He was running for dear life, and he knew it. The chances and the dog, who were right in the midst of a hot collar-and elbow wrestle act. were, that if the dog ever got a good show it.t him, Mulcahy would have to be shoveled up. As for Muldoon, he was getting scared. Although he haa hold of Baby, he might as well have tried to stop a locomotive. "Whoa, ye divll, whoa!" cried he; "begob, I am all out av breath. Do yez take this for a go-as-ye-plaze contest?" "Will ye hould the Texan steer in?" asked Callahan, the copper, who was running breathlessly on behind. "Why don't a goat fly?" returned Muldoon. "Give it up, gasped Callahan. "Because he can't. I cannot control the speed av me quad ruped. If I had' air brakes connected wid his tail, I might manage him, but I "He'll kill Mulcahy." "That is what comes av having bloody Micks on the per lice groaned Muldoon. "By the mother who bore me, if he harms a .hair av me dog's tail I'll lay for him to-night up McRiley's alley wid a carbine!" Denny succeeded in attracting Baby oft'. of Mulcahy But he qnly succeeded In attracting the dog to himself. Baby jumped at him, and a furious contest between the peeler and the dog ensued Muldoon was delighted, but he affected not to be. "Come off av it, Baby!., cried he, "don't ye disgrace yerself by killing av a peeler Don't yez care a bit for yer karacter?" His voice brought the dog toward him. "Come here," continued he, "good pup, till I pat yer head." Baby advanced. "Let him; I'll go his bail." Like the treacherous brute which he was, he avoided his "You'll be responsible." Il}aster's outstretched hand and coolly and delib erately fas"Divll a bit. If he kapes on I'll be killed, too tened his fangs on Muldoon's coat-tails. "Then let go of the brute." "Ye black-hearted thraitor!" yelled Muldoon, his tone "He won't lE)t me." changed as if by a miracle; "lave go av me coattails. Meanwhile a crowd was gathering, attracted by the racket, "Nice dog. Pat him on the head," slyly observed Edwardo and was rapidly joining in the Geoghegan, wpo had just appeated upon the scene "For gineral interest it bates a fox hunt, reflected Muldoon. .. Be Heavens, I will-wid a: pound av pig lead Lave go av "Baby, ye darlint spaniel, aise up an' I will buy yez a plated me, you domned tiger, or I will fill yer mouth wid cob b le dog house wid a bay windy, an' a gould ring to jump through, stones." just loike a canary." "Faix, it Is wonderful to perceive how the dog moinds Mul But these 'trilliant prospects could not lure Baby from his doon," carelessly put in Edwardo. "Moinds him loike a baby. prey. Shure, Muldoon, I wud buy a blue ribbon for its neck, and In polite parlance he was "dead onto" Mulcahy, whose wind carry It out milk in a saucer." was failing rapidly. Edwardo's jokes were unexpectedly curtailed just then. "Blessed saints," pried he, "it is a dead man I am; an' not a Callahan had been reinforced by a brother officer. drop av whisky in me house for a waRe. Faix, I am as good as They recollected that they were possessed of pistols. a corpse." Pulling them out, they began an indiscriminate tusillade .As if to prove his words Mulcahy Incontinently tripped over upon the dog. a beer keg and sprawled upon the sidewalk. In five minutes they liarl cleared the street, broke all of the Here was Baby's chance. glass In the neighborhood, shot a horse, and as a grand result, With a bark of joy the dog released himself from Muldoon's put two bullets through Edwardo's hat. grasp and jumped upon the fallen man, Muldoon sprawling Edwardo objected to having his hair cut in such a way, and head first into the mud gutter. fled. Baby seemed in a fair way to eat Mulcahy up, there and "Foire at me-foli:P. at me!" cried he, ashe vanished down an then. area, "it is me only safety." "Luk at him-luk at the pup," out Muldoon, strug-Mulrloon shinned up, a fence with lightning rapidity, to gling up with a bruise
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28 MULDOON S BOARDING HOUSE. would give tin dollars for a rifled cannon to blow yer ugly head off. Ye )lave gone back on the gang!" By way of reply the dog barked feroclouli!lY. "Be Heavens, I wished I owned a bull fighter," continued Muldoon ; "it Is slnd him at yez I wud! Will nobody harpoon the bas te, and allow us t o escape!'' "Get off on the other side of the fence!" piped a w i se small boy. It so happened that on the "other side of the fence was a vacant lot, which a late severe rain had filled with water, ren dering it almost a miniature lake. Muldoon gazed down ruefully at it. "If I had a life-boat I moight v e n ture," he repli e d bu t i t is up to me neck in the Chinese ocean I wud be widout wan. Is there a baby yez can feed to the dog to pacify him till we es cape?" There seemed to be none. But a sav ior appeared in the person of Hippocrates Burns, who appeared upon the ground with a shotgun. Hippocr a t es was plai nly a fraid of the shotgun. It wabbled abo u t in his hands, and upon the average covered seventeen persons at once. Bedad, he s worse nor the dog! groaned Muidoon. He was n o t thoug'h By some totally unexpected accident Hippocrates suc<'.eeded in firing olL the gun at the dog without blowing himself to pie c es, as was confidently looked for by the specta t o r-a. What was equally surprising, he hit his mark. Baby fell down in the street with about a quart of buckshot in her body Mul doon got down off of the fence and ran to the dead dog s side. He loolted at t he plac e s where the.shot had entered and not withstanding that he was sorry for his pet's death, he could not help making a joke. "Bring me a spade,. Hippocrates he said; begob, I wud dig for lead in the dog's body. As for Mulcahy, he called a cab and was driven home ''Arrah, ye feathe r -to n gued Mick! he s houted at Muldoon as he drove away, I will pay yez for this. I will have the law onto yez!" "'Don'.t," returned Muldoon. "Yez will pay for this. "Thrade pennies received?" Mulcahy was not in a suitable frame of mind to stand chaff ing. He got so mad be could not speak articulately, and contented hims. elf by leaning out of the cab window and shakingJlis fl.Bt at Muldoon. "Shure, it' s on wires an' it is wound up for a week, re marked our good-natured hero; then aloud to the cab driver: "Dhrtve i t away, Johnny, it draws flies Deposit it at the Idiotic Asylum an' label it dangerous .' Assisted by the heroic H ppocrates and the fugiUve Edwardo, Muldoon rcachel( home, the dog being left in the middle of the 'iltreet; New York style. "Howly branagin, Terry!" cried his wife, as he 'entered the housc "fhat scaffold have yez fell off of? Ye look as if ye had been In a free foight." "Hould yer whist-hould yer whist!" solemnly said Muldoon "I were run over by cuttle fish. Lool!; out on the portic
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M:ULDOON'S BOAR:QING HOUSE. 29 with the alderman, who, not suspecting the racket, was in tensely flattered and surprised But after supper he corraled Miss Krouse in a remote corner 'of the parlor and the truth came out. Edwardo_ explained. He was not i n the house when 'he was supposed to h a ve in sulted his darling.A light broke upon him. "It was Muldoon," he said. And Miss Krouse, as she nestled close upon his red ne cktie, and deposited pearl powder upon his shoulder, responded Pinafore style: "It was-i t was Muldoon!" Then and there Edwardo devised a scheme for retaliation. He put it in practice the next night. Muldoon was sitting up in his room, smoking his pipe and rea (ling a novel Ai:i the novel was an Irish one of the patriotic style in whi c h the bloody redcoat and tyrannical British aristocrat invariably get the worst of i t, Muldoon was v e r y much interested. Just as he was in a most exci ting passage, where the true hearted heroine was about being casually pitched over a preci pice and no one w:;i.s near to help, the whistle blew fclr the speaking tube. Muldoon said a curse word as he sprang up to respond. "Always some son av a gun a-fiddling wid the de .vilish mil.chine, he growled. "Shure I belave if I was dying Johanna would whistle up from the kitchen to ax. me if she should bile the pratles wid their ulsters on." But it was not Johanna at the tube this time. The call was from the hall. Who's there?" came tne query. Me, indefinitely answered Muldoon "Me lovely Bridget?" asked the person at the other of the tube. "Old Cranky, the Lush, is out? "Probably I am referred to again, Muldoon remar ked, asi de; then aloud : "Oh, yis; he retreated to Nealy Callahan's, tb as sist at his -having fits "Your trunk is pac ked swee t est? Av "Ye will be r ea dy at eight?" I wouldn t m is s it for a million." "An' thin, m e darling, we will flee to so m e land where we will rist forever like two turtle doves in the bli ssful delight av each other's -1ove." "Fhat a be _autiful bill av fare!'' ex c itedly said Muldoon to himself; "it reads just loike wan a v Hippo c r a t e s bum poems. Ah, ye bla ck-hearted rascal, it is rist in blissful d eloight l oike th, e sucker yez are in ther morgue I wonder what disposition they'll make av me? I will a s k H ippy-Hi ppy Y i s." "What will w e do w ith Muldoon,?" "Lave him behind. He'll drink h i m se l f paraly zed inside of a wee k He's no good, anyh ow e x ce p t a s a statue for a bee r garden. Good b y goosey. Sav e a k i ss for y our little "Ye will be past nading av anything except a board to be laid out on," grimly said Muldoon as he took up an anc ien t horse-pistol. It was already l oaded but M uldoo n put in t h ree o r four nails; a couple of cents and the f erule of an umbre lla "Hippocrates will have hol e s enough i n him to figure as a porous plaster," h e pro p h e si e d He rushed out looking for tlie poet, did not find him in his room, and then ran into the parlor. H i ppocrates was there, playing casi no with the other "boarders, and had pust won the game "Aha, yez black -hearted vllyan av a mad-house poet, I have yez now, be Heavens!" cried Muldoon. "'J'ake that!" Then he pulled the trigger, there w a s a terrific explosion a Muldoon jumped. lo t of smoke, a tornado of shrieks and a whole box of red-Brldget was his wife's name. headed language, and then he sat down He had never before thought of being jealous of her, but here When the smoke cleared !lway the boa r ders were looking at was somebody or other, one of the boarders, calling her Muldoon there was a big ho le in the m irror, the wall looked "lovely as if it had the smallpox but nobod y was hurt. Be Heavens, I will dissemble!" hissed Muldoon, as he reMuldoon felt as if a horse had him, but then he spied plied back imitating his wife's voice as nearly as he was able: Hippocrates, and he forgot it. Who are you? / "Be Heavens, I'll massacre the s ucker !" he cried, gettirig up "Hippy." "Howld me, some wan, till I murdher him." "Hippy-Hlpi>y-Hippypotamos,"' mused Muldoon. "Shure, There was murder done, however, for Edwardo gave away she can't be carrying on a lllrtatlon wid a menagerie. Whorra! the speaking tube racket, and the joke was on Muldoon I have it, it ts Hippocrates Burns! ls it you Hippocrates?" "I've been played for a sucker again, be Heavens sat d he he called back. "and luk at the gal'ry I've med av me parlor. Well "Yis," came the reply. "Me angel Is yer ould bald-headed it's on me ag'in. Bind out the can idol gone yet?" Peace was restored, harmony once more reigned, and every "When did Mrs. M acquire a bald-headed Idol?" Muldoon thing was lovely as before. meditated; "she must carry It around in her pocket, for I niver The gang remained in the house, Muldoon was as gullible have seen it. r will ax for particulars." Ii& ever, and of an evening If any of the neighbors wanted fun "What bald-headed idol do yez mane?" ,,, they were sure to have it in endless wads at that comfortable "Oh, ould fat-belly." if not elegant caravansary, second only to the Astor Hotel, "Who's that?" known 8.3 MULDOON's BOARDING Hous:m. "The ould galvanized Mick, yer husband. Muldoon the crank!" Muldoon's face was a study. It got red as a beet, and seemed on the point of exploding. "Blessed saints, he muttered, as he threw out his chest. at me. I am a bald-headed idol, and an ould fat-belly, and a galvanized Mick! Begorra, Hippocrates Burns, I will blew yer head oft' inside av twinty minutes. It is lucky for Mrs. Muldoon that she is out, or I would be a widower im mediately." "Say, little pet, through the tube; "is all ready?" "I suppose lt must be reflected Muldoon, answering back: "Yes. THE END. Read the next number (40) pf "Sbaps," entitled "THE IRISH RIVALS; OR, MULDOON AND HIS HUNGRY BOARDERS," by Tom Teaser SPECIAL NOTICE : All back numbers of this weekly are always in print. you cannot obtain them from any newsdealer, send the price in money or postage stamps by mail to FRANK TOUSEY, PUBLISHER, 24 UNION SQUARE, NEW YORK, a.nd you will the copiet you order by return mail.

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BURTON RASCOE ELLERY QUEEN ERLE STANLEY &ARDNER CHARLES JONAS ADVISORY BOARD, Honorary Mem b ers COL EDWARD R F. EAGAN New Yort Stat lo.in11 Comm issi oner LENOX F. LOHR VIN C E NT STARRETT DOUGLAS GILBERT H. Y Tele11rom GEORGE A IALL JAME S S ANDOE Llbrotlon PROF. HERBERT E COR Y PROF. ALBERT JOHANNSEN &EOR&E HESS JR. Pres Chleo110 Museum Selene & Industry EDWARD ARNOLD ROBERT WILLIAMS Publisher LAWRENCE WOOD ROBERT JR. WARD MOREHOUSE H. Y Sun JOHN SELBY REV. WALTER P. TUNKS PROF. J FRANK DOBIE DR. L. C POWELL Lib r arian CARL I RODEN Librarian R W &. O/roctor H Y Hlstarlcol Soc. D!eAN ELMORE PETERSEN DEAN ELLSWORTH COLLIN&S HEREWARD CAllRIN&TON PROF. MILTON ELLIS Comptroller Grea t Ho. Ry. ROBERT MOSES Auoe/ated Press SYDNEY FOSTER N e w Yort City P ort C o mmissi on er WM. R BENET S ot. RH. L iterature Justice, H Y Sup rem e Court WM. SEABROOK AUGUST DERLETH HAR OLD RU&& L i b rar ian PRQF. L M. MASSEY PROF. JOHN &. F A I R F I E L D rhne: IE. 6-1816 in the DIKE NOVEL OLUB is open to all w ho are 1nterested in n dime nov e l s n students, writers, readers and oolleotora. f he r e are n o dues, o r fees, o r p a yments of any k1nd, as the 01uo is entirely. self supporting. Th8 c!ub is devoted to the preservation Of and increasing interest in the DIME NOVEL the lurid literature once so lowly regarded, but now widely oolleoted and prized as genuine and important Americana Among its other activities, tne o1ub publishes once a month a facsimile reprint o f a rare and important dime novel, selected lrom the Bragin collection _over icS0,000 of these old time thrillers. 'lbese are sold to memeera only, at $ l.OO eaoh, but members are not required to buy aD1'. The :following dime novels were reprinted oy t .he olub in 1945. m:.ADWOOD DIOX, the prince of the ROad. By Ed 'flheeler. Beadle Half Dime Librea.ry NO l, published ill 1877. THEGOLD BULLET SPORT BY BUffalo Bill. Beadle Dille u Library NO published in 1879. OLD KING BRADY The Haunted churchyard. I. y Library NO .,71, published 1890. FRAU READE and Hi& steam )(an of west BY n1onamen. W i de Awake LiDrary wo. 541, puolished FRANK JAKES ON THE TRAIL. aorrison sensational series Ho 46, published in GUTLEJ(AI JOI, the Bonanza King. Ir JOB E Badger Jr. LOS Cabin LiDrary xo. 159, puolisned 189;s These Club reprints are EXAO'l' copies oi the. originals in every way -size, type and 1llust ation CJ.ub. -


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