The Irish rivals, or, Muldoon and his hungry boarders

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The Irish rivals, or, Muldoon and his hungry boarders

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The Irish rivals, or, Muldoon and his hungry boarders
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Teaser, Tom
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New York
Frank Tousey
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1 online resource, 28 pages


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Humorous stories, American ( lcsh )
Dime novels ( lcsh )
serial ( sobekcm )

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University of South Florida Library
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University of South Florida
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025657387 ( ALEPH )
71325759 ( OCLC )
S78-00003 ( USFLDC DOI )
s78.3 ( USFLDC Handle )

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_ls314ed Weekly-By Sub&cription. $2.50 per year, Entered Second Cl.u& Matter at the New Y.ork Post O.ffe.ce. /Jy Frank T ou8ey, No. 40. NEW YORK, JULY 11, 1900. Price 5 Cents. THE IRISH RIYALS; Oft, ULD.DO A n H 1s HuN,JivBoARD.ER ''i: Edwardo, Terry Rafferty and Johanna fastened onto poor Muldoon's feet. Hippocrates, Mrs. Muldoon and the alderman collared the stove-pipe. "If yez as much as scratch me, :ril bury yez all," said Muldoon, inside of the stove-pipe.


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HOW '.l'O BRBAK, Rl1H1l "D !JIU \'E A HUH::>B.A C'.1Ill1 te treatise on th" ho rse D e sc ribing the most useful horses for b1'.l r:. t h e bes t for the ro a d ; also valuable recipes for iae ell l to the h o r se 48. HOW TO BL'lLl> A. "D 8AIL CAl'OES.-A bandy t>ook for boys, containing full directi ons for constructing canoes a nv. themost popular manuer of. ailing hem. Frlly illustrated. B1 t; :Sta nsfield flicks. l1 FORTUNE TELLING. N?. l N'APOLEO. ORACt:Ll'.;\l A. D DREAM BOOK. C: nt11 ning the great oracle of human destin y ; ab'tl the true mean ln .._ .i\lnu Jst any kind o( dreams, t()iether with charms, ceremonie:1, a nd o u s games of cards. A complete book a HOW TO DRE,U.18.-Everybody d r e a m s. t roll..l t he iaue child to the aged man and woman. f h is little b o o k th explanation to all kinds of dreams, together Vl ith lu c ky G.nd uolmky days, and "Napoleon's Oi:_aculum:" the of o. :.!8. 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HOW TO DU l:;E(.)0, D SIGIIT.-lleller's wec ond s igh t expl a in e d l.Jy b i s former assistnnt, !!' red Hunt, Jr. Exp! a iniug how the dialogues carried on between the magkian aud tho 1oy on the .stage; also giving all the codes and signals. The onlJ authentic explanation of second sight. o. 43. llUW TO BECU.>lE A .)lAGICIAN.-Containing tht grandest assortment of .magic a l illusions ever placed befo r e th public tricks with eards, iucantations, etc. No. 68 IlOW TO DO <3HE)llCAL TIUCKS.-Containing o ve r one hundred highly amusingand instructive tricks with chemicala. By A A n derson. H a nd s omely illustrated. No tm. HOW TO DO 8LEIGH'f 01!' HAND.-Containing OTll fifty of the latest and best tricks used by magicians. Also contain ing the secre t of s e cond sight. i'ully illustrated. By .A. Anderso No. 70 HOW ro MAKEl MAUlC 'l'OYS.-Containing full directions for making M a gic 'l'oya and d e vices of many kinds. B1 A Anclers t m l!'ully illustrated. No. 7 3. IIOW TO DO '.!'RICKS W ITII NU::\IBERS.-Showin11 inany curious t r icks with figureo> and the m agic of numbers By A. A nde r so n. F ully illustrated. No. 75 HOW TO A. CONJURER.-Containin1 trickli with Dom i noe s, Dice Cups and Balls, Hati:;, etc. Embra cin1 thirty-six illustrations. Bv A. And erson No. 78. HOW TO DO 'i'HE BLAOK A R T.-Containing a c o m plete descri p tion of the mysteries of Magic and Sleight of Hand, together many wonderful experiment11. By A. Ander11011. Illustrat ed. MECHANICAL. No. 29. HOW TO BECO.>IE AN INVl!lNTOR.-Every boll should know how inventions o r ig inated This book expla ins t hem all, giving examples i n el ectricity, hydraulics, magnetism, optic pneumatics, mechanics, etc., etc. The moet in11tructive book lished. No. 56. HOW TO BECOl\IEJ AN E NGINEER.-Contalnln1 fuD instructions how to procee d in orde r t o b ec ome a lo c o m otive eD gineer; also directions for building a model locomot i ve ; toge t her wi t h a full des cription of every thing an engi neer s ho uld know No. 57. HOW TO MA.KE MUSICAL INSTRU::\fENTS.-FuU directions how to make a Banjo, Violin, Z ithe r, Aeolian Harp, Xyle> phone and other musical inst r uments; toge ther with a brie'f d .. scriptioa of nearly e very musical instrumen t used in ancient o r modern ti mes. P ro fusel y illus trat e d By Algernon S. Fitzgerald, for twe n t y y ears b andmast1>r of the R oyal Bengal Marines. No. 59 HOW TO MA.KE .A. MAGIC LANTERN.-Containint a des c r iption of the lantern, t og e ther with its history a n d invention. Also full directions for its use and for painting slides. Handsomely illustrat ed by J obn Allen. No. 71. HOW TO DO MECHANICAL TRICKS.-Contalnlnt complete instructions for performing over sixty Mechanica l Trickl. By A. 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With llluatra book, telling you how to write t o your swee t heart, you r father. tlons. mother, aister b ro t he r, employer; a nd, in fact, everyb o dy and an7 No. 72. HOW TO DO SIXTY TRICKS WITH CARDS.-Embody y o u wis h t o write to. Every youn s man and tvtQ' 7011111 all the latest and most deceptive car d trlc b with II lad:r I n t he l and should have t h i s b ook 1011tu.tlona. BJ' A. Anderson No. 74. HOW TO WRIT E L ETTERS OORRJ!lCTLY.-eo11 No '17. HOW TO D O FOR T Y T R ICKS WITH CARDS.taln l n g full ln1tructlon1 for writing letten on almo:i t any oubjeet, 'onta.lnl n s dec eptive Card T r ic ks as performed by lead i n g conju rers also ruin for pu11ctuatloa u d eompo;IUo a ; to11tk1 r 1 poclmllll ma.1lcla111. .Arrused f o r b ome amu1e m e11t. F ull y lllu atrat ed J etter1. (Contisuaccl on p ace 3 o f cov e r,)


SNAPS A Comic Weekly of Comic Stories by Comic Authors I ssued Weekly-By Sttbset iption $2.50 per year. Entered a s S6cond Class Matter at the New York. N. Y., Post Otfke, Octobe1 9, 189!l. Ente1ea a ccording to Act of Go1tgress, in the yea1 woo, in the office of the Librarian of Gongrea s Washing t o n D. G .: bJI Fra11k T o usey, 24 UniOn Square, New York. No. 40. NEW YORK, July 11, 1900. Price 5 Cents. TH.EI.RISH RIVALS OR, rluldoon and His Hungry Boarders. By TOM TEASER. OHAPTER I. Terrence Muldoon kept a boarding house in the low e r part of the great city of New York, on the East Side of town. Muldoon was an Iris hman, as you may have guessed, was some where about middle age, was well fixed, but in want of company, and so he took boarders. There were plenty who would Jive with him, for he was an easy mark, was not strict about money matters and could be touched by whoever wou ld. He had a large and varied collection of boarders, male and fe male, among whom were Mr. Edwardo Geoghegan, a walking dele gate, Hippocrates Burns, a poet, Lobscouse, Miss Sadie Fresh, Miss Krouse, Mike Magee, Stuyvesant Riley, 'l'erry Rafferty and others whose acquaintance you will make as you proceed. Muldoon had come over frpm Ireland, settled in Harlem, mar ried the widow Halorahan, adopted his nephew, Roger Q'Malley, who was a sharp practical joker, and then, wanting something to do, had moved downtown and had opened a boarding hou se When we make his acquaintance the place had been running for some time, was quite full, as were the boarders a l so at times, and it was in the earl y su=er when sitting on the stoop was in vogue and gossip flew on every breeze. Muldoon had a neighbor, Mulcahy, between whom and him self no love was lost, and one day about this time, Mrs. Muldoon came to the boss of the boarding hou se and said : ''What do ye suppose, 'l'erry-the Mulcahys had private theat ricals last noight Mrs. Malone was theL"e, and she said it wur just iligant." "What did they play?" "It wur'The Ruins av Nineveh.' Mulcahy played the Ruins, while Mllly Ann Galla gher, Dolan's wife's sister, played Nine veh It wur in the papers. "Bedad, I belave so. Mrs. M. I saw an article h eaded 'Riot in the Sixth Ward.' but I did not read it. It tuk well, did it?" "Beautifully," Mrs. Muldoon r esponded. "All av the 'Emerald Guard' wur there, an' they went hom e togetb,er in a truck at three A M., wid heads as big as barrels. Ive r yb ody had a great time, intirely." "We will bate the Mulcahys," decidedly said M uldo on "How?" "We will play 'Pinafore!' Mrs. Muldoon gazed at him with ev ident admiration. Ah, 'l'erry," cried she, "ye have a stupendous inte llect. 'Pina fore' will be grand. What part will I take?" "Ye may play chorus," Muldoon r eplied. "We will get it up Shure we can vocalize in the parlor, aud Owen Fogarty, the wagon painter, will decorate the scenery for us. Let me give it to the group." The "group" was a metaphor for the boarders, and Muldoon gave it to them. They were delighted. "So nice exclaimed Miss Krouse. "'Vhat parts shall we take?" "I play Little Buttercup,;, said Muldoon; "it i s a splendid pris ince I have for the part. Listen to me sec ond bases: 'Oi'm called Little Buttercup, Dear Little Buttercup, Swate Little Butte r cup, Oi !' "Shur e that takes the figur e out av the carpet complately. Miss Krouse, ye may play Josephine." After these two parts were decid ed upon, the rest were cast. Of course there was grumbling; who ever saw private theatricals where there was not'/ The cast decided upon was as follows: Captain Corcoran ........ ..... ................ Terry Rafferty Sir Joseph Porte r V. A ... : ............... Hippocrates Burns Dick Deadeye .. ... .............................. Mike Magee Ralph Rackstraw .......................... Edwa.rdo Geoghegan l3.<'t.ll Bobstay ............................... .. Stuyvesant Riley :\'.tie Buttercup .......... ............................ Muldoon J osepl;line ...... .... .... ............. ... ......... Miss Krose Hebe ............... ........................ Miss Sadie Fresh Little Tommy 'l'ucker ............................ The Alderman The performance was billed for a w eP.k off. Rehearsals were h eld eve ry day. The whole boarding-house went "Pinafore" crazy Ter ry Rafferty got his head full of Captain Corcoran, almost per suaded him self that he was a veritable captain in the serv i ce, and got two beautiful black eyes for trying to steer an oyster boat through a dock without the pilot's permission. Edwardo studied hi s part incessantly; and was constantly para l yzing old opple wom en, ash cart men, and so on, by absently stop ping them in the street, and addressing them as : ".i\.. maiden fair to see, The pearl of minstrelsy, A bud of b lu shing beauty." recherche. which is Frinch for top-shelf, Mrs. M. I will hire Pat-Poor Hippocrates .sa t up every night till d ebauc h e d small hours, ric k Levi's band and invite all av the nobility av Cherry street. howling forth that he was the ruler of the sea, until a big red-


2 THE IRISH RIVALS. shirted fireman, who lived across the way, stepped over one night with two clubs and a bull-dog, and remarked that though Hippo crates might be the ruler of the sea, he wasn't ruler of that block by a d-d sight, and if he didn't shut up his infernal noise he (the fireman) would be compelled to cave in his head. Muldoon, too, got crazy. He drove everybody wild 1with his Little Buttercup, and got fired bodily out of church at early mass for informing the congregation that he sold : "Pipes an' terbacky An' excellent jacky," finishing up by gravely requesting them to: "Buy of t .heir Buttercup---buy But the alderman was the worst. He had just two words to say: "Ay-ay, sir." He got to hitching hi11 trousers nautically, chewed tobaCS!O furiously, rolled down the street like a regular old 11alt, and "ay-ay'd" everybody and everything so terrifically that a rumor floated about the ward that the alderman had been appointed captain of a six-decked frigate. The infection spread to the kitchen. Johanna caught it and nearly startled the old darky, who peddled hot corn, out of his boots by informing him that: "She was liis sisters and his cousins and his aunts." As for Fogarty, the wagon painter, he had been doing wonders. He had painted a big acre of canvas for a back drop, representing a harbor. It was a most realistic and true to life harbor, representing a fleet of what appeared to be red clam sloops, riding gracefully upon a green sea, while a blue and pink sky smiled admiringly down upon them. "Arrah," approvingly 11aid Muldoon, as he gazed upon it, "that is the proper kibosh, Owney, me bye. I'll bet there is more paint upon it than any picture av its size." At la11t the eventful night arrived. The parlors were separated by a curtain, and the back one set as a stage, by aid of skillful carpentry. All was in confusion. Hippocrates was pale as death, and it was feared that he would try to commit 1uicide. Muldoon had &tarted at three o'clock to "make up" as Little Buttercup, and was yet in his room. As for the rest, they were trooping around in every Tariety of costume, Muldoon having almost sacked several second-hand cloth ing stores in his efforts to procure proper habiliments for the my Tucker, supposed to b e a bout five years old, and he was ar rayed in a costume suitable for his age. As the alderman was only six f ee t high, it is needless to say that he was a sight to scare the hair onto a bald-headed baby. Such a first-class premium gawk as he was would be hard to find again. "Are ye ready, Muldoon 'l" asked he. "Just as soon as I round out me bust wid towels," whispered Muldoon. "Ye go below-I will be wid yez in a second." The alderman strolle d out into the back yard for a while, to brace up for the performance. "Ay-ay, sir--ay-ay, sir," repeate d he, hoarsely. "I bet I will know me part to the letter. Ay-ay, sir-ay--" Surprise caused the alderman' s repetit ion to stop here. Leaning over Mulcahy's fence in attitudes which expressed elab orate surprise, were seventeen gentlemen, gentleman with a glass of beer in his hand and a cigar in his mouth. Oh, cover my head!" gasped one of the g entlemen, as he pointed to the alderman. "Will you tell me what it is, and what it is do ing?" "The spring broke and they put it out in to the yard." '' lt'A a cabbage on tooth picks. "Look at its half-mast pants." "P.t a string into its head and jump it up and down." "Ah! be aisy, it's one av the inmates av Muldoon's asylum. Lave it alone. it don't bite." Thus jocularly commented the rest of the seventeen gentlemen. The alderman felt his dignity grossly insulted. "Do yez comprehend me individuality?" pompously he asked. The seventeen counterfeited extreme and idiotic ter ror. "8-say it again and s--say it &--Slow," begged one. "Do yez know me name?" the alderman repeated. "I am Michael Emmet O'Connell Lobscouse, alderman." '.rhe seventeen gentlemen were about making some reply, when Muldoon's voice was heard. "Alderman, he cried, "all is ready. "Have ye the corpse's hands folded?" s olemnly asked a voice from Mulcahy'11 fence. "What are ye talking about?" the alderman growled. "It is a funeral ye are having in Muldoon's, is it not?" "No, 11ir; it is 'Pinafore.' "' There was a aiinultaneous downfall of the seventeen Mulcahyites from the fence, and groans of apparent deep and heart-rending an guish were heard i1111uing from the yard. As for the alderman, he stalked solemnly in. "Muldoon!" cried he, "there are a colony av jail-berruds in Mulcahy's yard. It is thry to bust up our 'Pinafore' they will." opera. Soon the audience began to arrive. through. They were blue-blood all "Let them thry it," returned Muldoon. "Shure Justice Duffy av the Sixth District Coort is in the audience, an' he'll give ivery wan of the fanny 11uckers 11ix months if they do. Ah, alderman, I have 1t wid the law." There wa11 Felix Murphy, Esq., the landlord, the Whalens, the Phalens, Bryan McSwegan, whose cousin was a lord, the Mac Rileys from Mayo, Tim Durfee, boss of the big pipes, Mr. Sweeney, who owned &ix liquor stores, and scores of others. Mrs. Muldoon, in a stiff starched ruffie, which fairly dwarfed her, and a gaudy ailk dress, received them, and two guilty-looking young men, with scared faces and awful white ties, ushered them to their seats. Patrick Levi's band was in their place, too and Patrick himself, with a pound of suet on his hair and a swallow-tailed coat, Jed them gallantly away into "The Little widow Dunn." Right In the midst of the general arrival, Johanna, the eenant girl, rushed up to Muldoon's room. All was bustle behind the curtain. Everything was in confusion, everybody in everybody else's way, and Muldoon, who was leading lady, stage manager, scene-shifter, callboy and general nuisance, shouted himself hoarse. "Howly Heavens!" cried he, "ye have the scenery on upside down. Alderman, fur Heaven's sake sit off av the moon; we want to use it by and by. Edwardo, do ye know ye have whiskers on one side av yer face only? Do yez take this for a peep-show av natural curiosities? There, Hippocrates, ye wall-eyed idiot, I knew ye would do it! Yez have promenaded up to your thigh In a pot av red paint, and now ye are happy. Miss Krouse, as ye seem de termined to burn yourself up wid the footlights, if I war yez I would go an' 11it down onto thim, and end the agony as soon as possible." "Fhat is it?" queried Muldoon; "for H eaven's sake kape away, .Tohanna; I have only my petticut on. Sure me hoopskirt is stuck in me boot, and I can't move. Divil take y ez woman frippery!" Thus did Muldoon 8COld, cajole and direct generally aoout every thing in particular and the footlights in general, said footlights be ing composed of bottles with candles 11tuck into them, alternated An' I say, by candles adorning turnips. "Seventeen jintlemen have gone in Mulcahy's," said J oltanna. "What sort av jintlemeu ?" "High-hatted. One av them had a bass drum. Muether Muldoon?" "Eject it, ye kitchen coquette. "They have decorated their back yard wid Chinese lanterns." "Faix," meditated Muldoon, "I wondher what the darty web-footed Mick is up to now? Chinese lanterns! He can't be :oing to set up a tay-store. Johanna." "Yis, sir." "Has he a keg of beer in ther yard'/" .Johanna fled to see. He also 1mcceeded in getting the first scene set, said scene being a marvel of theatrical aldll, being half room and half 11hip's deck. Occasionally the back-drop, re resenting Portsmouth Harbor, would fall down. and the bare wall be revealed. Besides, the company were always mussing with the properties. For example : Muldoon had placed a main-mast on the stage to improve the nautical elrect. Before the "Pinafore" had progressed five minutes, the alterman fell over the main-mast and broke it, and Edwardo strolled onto the "Yis, air; aix responded she breathlessly. stage and carried ofl' the cabin to black his boots on. "Bcgorra, I have it!" said Muldoon; "it is going to 11stablish Altogether it was a scene of constant surprises. a 1mmmer beer garden he is. He's purchased the big drum to give But we will not anticipate. promenade concerts. Niver moind, he'll be ready to kill himself At last all was ready ; the band played the last strains of the whin he hears about me 'Pinafore.' 1 overture, and the audience settled down into del1ghtful anticipa-Here the alderman arrived. tion. The alderman had been persuaded to take the part of little Tom"Up wid the rag," directed Muldoon.


THE IRISH RIVALS. 3 The curtain arose in a ort of semi-intoxicated style, and dis closed the opening sc e n e of the "Pinafore," the effect of which was a little spoiled by the alderman persisting in leaning against the main-mast, which was about two feet shorter than be. The audience heartily applauded, and Muldoon stuck his head through the sky and bowed. "Sing, yez mummies," he audibly said ; do yez take yezselves for wax-works?" "We sail," chirped Stuyvesant Riley, and then suddenly stopped while the rest of tbe crowd stared blankly at him. "We sail," faintly remarked Mike Magee, in a sort of muffled bellow. Then he, too, was sei11ed with a fit of fright, and absently walked otr into the open sea. "For Heaven's sake sail thin!" roared Muldoon. "Chorus, all!" Somewhat reassured, the gallant crew, composed for the most part of members of a half-orphan asylum, kindly loaned for the oc casion, feebly sang: "We sail the O

4 THE IRISH RIVALS. ----=============================== He was simply wild. Like a flash he tlew up to his room, and grasped his musket. It was a musket which Muldoon had purchased cheap at an auction sale--a musket with a barrel like a bow, and an aim which could never be depended upon. In fact, a musket which, when aimed at a cat upon the back fence, had been known to send a bullet around the block, and kill a mule in front of the house. Nevertheless, it was Muldoon's pleasure and pride. He would not have exchanged it for the most approved patent pin-fire, tele scopic sight yet invented. He loaded it with about a quart of powder, a bushel of fine bitd shot, a tooth-brush, a dozen of Mrs. Muldoon's pet hairpins, and a cake of soap. "Bedad, if I had toime I would sind a chariot for the reporthers, for the slaughter will be worth chronicling," muttered, as he put a cap on the musket's nipple. 'The Battle in Muldoon's Back Yard,' they could call it." He opened the window of his room. A dark form was on its hands and knees on the wood-shed, peering down into the dark-ness. "It is the last av the Mulcahyites," thought Muldoon. "Begorra, I will sind him off av me wood-shed quicker thin he iver got onto it. Howly Moses, whin me gun goes off the vicinity will swear that Hell Gate has blown up again!" uldoon took good and careful aim. I will hit the bull's-eye at wanst," declared he; "listen to the bell ring, an' the little joker ride out onto a string." He pulled the strigger. There was a noise as if a powder mill had burst up, and a cloud of sulphurous smoke enveloped the rifle shooter. The report was followed. by a terrific yell, and the dark form performed a rapid and ungraceful somersault off the shed. A feminine shl'iek arose from Muldoon's back stoop. "Blessed Patrick!" ejaculated Muldoon. "I hope the devil's gun has not carried over the river and kilt the young Leddies' Sem inary on Hoboken highlands." ''Oh, Terry!" yelled the feminine voice, which Muldoon recog nized as his wife's. "Well, ye ould screech-owl?" politely he replied. "Whirra-whirra 3 e unlucky man! Do ye know what ye have done?" "Kilt one av Mulcahy' s minstrels." ''Whirra, no! Ye have shot the alderman mortally." "The Lord preserve me! Where is Mulcahy's Sing Sing coterie?" "Shure, they flew over into his yard loike pigeons. They are all in his kitchen area now." In support of Mrs. Muldoon's words there was a vigorous pounding onto the bass drum, the fish horns bleated with awful energy, and a chorus of semi-intoxicated but enthusiastic voices rang out: "Hang Muldoon on a gin-fizz tree! Hang Muldoon on a gin-fizz tree! Hang Muldoon on a gin-fizz tree! But his soul goes marching on!" Glory-glory, Hallelujah-glory-glory, Hallelujah! Glory-glory, Hallelujah! Muldoon, the cross-eyed Turk!" Muldoon dropped his musket and darted down into the yard. All was excitement. The alderman lay with his head in Miss Krouse's lap; Mrs. Fitz Murphy was fainting with great rapidity, the rest of the ladies and gentlemen were clustered about in various state s of excitability, while Hippocrates Burns was' helplessly holding a lantern which he flashed about in a most astonishing style. blinding everybody in turn with its light in a truly phenomenal style. "Is the alderman all there"!" Muldoon queried. "Yis," was Miss Krouse's reply. "Then carry him carefully into the house or he'll drop apart. If he got all of the shot into him, he will never hould together. Ye'd betther tie him up wid the clothes-line to make sure certain." By the aid of Edwardo and Terry Rafferty the wounded man was conveyed into the parlor, and laid upon what but lately had been the deck of the good ship Pinafore, the audience having all retreated home, paralyzed by the event of the night. "Are you much hurt?" asked Muldoon. "It's a corpse I am," growled the alderman. "Sind for a sug geon." Hippocrates at once volunteered to go for a surgeon. Meanwhile it was discovered that the alderman had received a liberal dose of bird-shot in that part of his body which sits next to a chair. It was highly probable that he would be compelled for a month or so to carry a feather tied to him, to be able to sit down with any degree of comfort. Hippocrates returned with a surgeon, two policemen, and a large expectant crnwd of ragamuffins. In his haste he had forgotten to change his stage dress, and his appearance on the street was the signal for a general riot. The crowd at once set him down for a lunatic, and hunted him down the streets as if he was a wild Texan steer. By blind luck he succeeded in reaching a surgeon, and persuading him to come home with him. The crowd, beholding Hippocrates emerging with the surgeon, was sure that Hippocrates was a madman. "'l'ake him home, doctor Stave the crank's head!" 'Ere's a cab. Drive yer right round to the lunatic asylum for six shillens." "Stick him in a strait-jacket!" Thus addressing the perplexed surge on, the crowd escorted the pa\r to Muldoon's house, being joined by the two zealous police men on the way. l\Iuldoon explained everything. The policemen went away grinning, with a dollar apiece. 'rhe mob got disgusted, began to think themselves intensely misused because Hippocrates had not turned out to be a particularly ferocious madman, and started to break Muldoon's windows for him. the two policemen clubbed several small boys, arrested a crippled old woman, dispersed the crowd, and struck Mul doon for more trade dollars with officious zeal. Meanwhile the surgeon had examined the alderman, extracted about a bushel or so of bird-shot, advised rest for several weeks, pocketed his fee and left. But Muldoon was rewarded a little by an accident which hap pened to the Mulcahyites. Flushed with their victory, they left the Mulcahy homestead and started to make a night of it. It struck them that it would be intensely humorous to ring every door-bell on the block and yell, "milk "ice "butcher and all the other traditional announcements of tradesmen. Several policemen, devoid of all sense of humor, attempted to stop it; a free fight ensued, more policemen arrived, and with bruised heads and bloody noses the festive Mulcahyites were ma1ched off to the station-house, from whence, next morning, they were arraigned at court to hear the familiar sentence: "Ten dollars or ten days. And thus ended Muldoon's great and memorable "Pinafore!" "Niver spake-to me av 'Pinafores' agaiu," said Muldoon. "I wud rather have a fire in me house. It wud cost less and be more fun. Shure, the next sucker that suggests 'Pinafore' will get a be! t in the gob." About this time the walking craze struck New York. J!]verybody was wild ove1 Weston, Rowell, Blower Brown and all of the other famed walkers. Muldoon got it bad. Re had a track laid out in his back yard-three or four hundred laps to a mile. He paced around it each day in a style which evoked the cheers of the boarders anii the sneers of Mulcahy. Mulcahy also testified his disgust of the affair by hurling over damaged potat6es, sick eggs, and cabbage corpses. One day he ventured above the fence upon a step-ladder. l\Iuldoon was just walking his fifty-ninth lap. ''Luk at it-luk at it!" cried Mulcahy; "see it go around. Faix, I belave it is wound up for eight days. I wondher does it strike the quarther hours?" Mr. Mulcahy, sir, do ye?l allude to me wid yer Frinch conversa tion?" haughtily asked Muldoon. '' Howly Virgin, it spakes cried Mulcahy, in well-assumed surprise. "Mr. sir, ye are altogether too loose wid yer remarks," Muldoon continued ;1"if yez do not break off wid yer sarcasm, I will forget me gentle breeding an' knock yez off the fence, same as I wud any other ould '!'om-cat, wid a brick!" "Oh, it's Muldoon," Mulcahy said, as if he had just discovered the fact; "begob, Muldoon, I tuk ye for a cuckoo clock that some body had wound up and set to going in the back yard." "Shure, I tuk ye for a crockery idol that somebody had put on the fence to scare bad pie down yer boarders' throats," rejoined Muldoon. "Phat are yez at, Muldoon?" "vValking." "For a cake?" "For exercise. ''Yez are no walker. Ye are a lepper. and yer name is Hughes. Begob, there is a kangaroo walk at Barnum's aquarium. Why don't yez jine it"? I walk myself next week." "In a rope walk?"


THE IRISH RIVALS. 5 "Divil a bit. Paddy Gallagher gives a great tournament at Em-erald Hall nixt week." "Is it stuffed?" '\Vhat?" 'The tournament?" "Go 'way, ye dummy. Tournament is Murray Hill for a grand walking match. Intrance fee, ten dollars. Firse prize, a gould medal and half of the walk's receipts." "Can anybody join'!" H:Yis." "Thin, Mulcahy, beware, I will enter myself. .Is it go where yez plaze?" "Yis; but yez are debarred." "Why?" "No gorrillas a \lowed." Mulcahy t.hought this last sally was so awful funny that be laughed till he got red in the face, and thought that be was too comic to live. But his mirth was soon changed into sorrow, for yelling like a bull, be ouddenly i!isappeared off the fenre. "Whist., murdher it's a jackin-a-box Somebody's pulled it down and shut it up Muldoon declared, as he gazed in sulprise at the spot where Mulcahy had been. He soon learned the reason, though, of his foe's sudden vanisb ment. Young Roger Muldoon, a remarkably knowing child, bad procured an auger, and bored through the fence till be reached Mulcaby's leg, inserting about a half inch of auger point into said leg. "Good for ye, Roger," Muldoon deligbteqly said, patting bis son's bead. "Ye are 11 credit to yer ould man. I have great hopes av making a great man out av ye. Here's a big cint; run around to Mrs. Kililear's, the baker's, an' gorge yerself on bot-cross buns." The more Muldoon thought of it, the more be determined to enter into Gallagher's tournament at Emerald Hall. He confided bis idea to the boarders at supper that night. Edwardo and 'l'erry Rafferty looked astounded, while Hippo crates Burns turned pale and choked himself on a fish cake in bis agitation. "Me and Terry have already entered," said Edwardo. "Me. too," faltered Hippocrates, who bad bad previous v1s1ons of walking alone, unknown to anybody, and returning in victorious splendor with the "gould medal" to paralyze the boarding-house. "The more the merrier," Muldoon declared. "Hippocrates, ye should put weights on yer feet." "What for, Mr. Muldoon?" "To prevint yerself being blown away by the breeze." To cover Hippocrates' confusion, Mrs. Muldoon remarked that the sea-serpent bad been discovered off Fulton ferry, and an animated discussion ensuing relating to the noble bird following, Hip 'pocrates was able to recover his equanimity. Muldoon's next idea was a tminer. He secured one. In the person of a six-footed, sba vy-bead, square-shouldered gen tleman, named One-eyed Rafferty, who proudly boasted of having trained the Keokuk Chicken i'n the great fight with the Peoria Ass, for the championship of Rebaboth Beach, and pounded him to pieces after a hard-fought battle of one hundred and thirteen rounds. J\fr. Rafferty at once established an absolute monarchy at Mul doon's. "If I'm goin' to train yer, yer duffer," he told Muldoon, "I'm going ter be boss-understand 'l If yer don't do just as I say, I'll make yer-understand? If anybody thinks dey can give sugar to dis canary bird, dey is way off-understand?" Muldoon faintly said he guessed so: For the next week his life was a gigantic nightmare. He was aroused at 5 A. M., and forced to run a mile. At six he was rubbe d down, and allowed to eat a half-raw chop. Then be practiced for the r es t of the morning with Indian clubs, dumb-bells, etc., dining upon stale bread nnd a small portion of roast beef. The rest of the day was programmed about the same, varied by ten-mile runs, five-mile walks, and other pleasant little leg stretches. As for Mr. Rafferty, be had a gilt-edged picnic. He got drunk regularly each night, made love to eveY female in the house, from Mrs. Muldoon to Jobannn, the cook, and otherwise acted in a most high-t.oned and gentlemanly style. At last th(> night appointed for the opening of Gallagher's tournament arrived. Muldoon was brought down into the parlor fo; the edification and admiration or the household in general. He was gaudily arrayed in a suit of dear old Ireland's green, and looked like a solid roan, but not quite as solid as he looked befo1e he went into training. "Mother av Moses, '.rerry !" cried Mrs. Muldoon, "ye luk as if ye had grown up in a gas-pipe." ":.VIy bloat bas diminished," proudly replied Muldoon. "It is solid f:!esh I have now. 'Where are the other chromo pedestrians'/" "Do y e z mane Terry Rafferty and me Edwardo?" queried Miss Krouse. 'Tis those two sylphs I refer to." "'.rhey went long ago in a cab." "Be Heavens, they will come back in an ambulance. Where is Hippocrates?" "He win t to get blue ribbon sewed on to his shirt," answered Mrs. Muldoon. "The tone av the sucker," Muldoon gasped, "and owing av me two weeks' board for bis parrots. l!'aix, he'll be buyin' seal skin socks and glass slippers loike me nibbs Cinderella to walk in next." "Sa-ay ,,. iilterrupted Mr. Rafferty, the trainer, at this juncture, "are yer going ter walk, or ain't yer'/ If yer don't come along, and stop y e r chin-music, yer'll git left-understand?" Muldoon took the hint, and suffered himself to be meekly pushed into a carriage. About half of the small boys in the ward were at the door, and they cheered him loudly. "Hurray for Muldoon-give us a cent!" they cried. "Arrab, Rafferty," whispered Muldoon in delight, "do yez hear them? It is terrible popular I am wid the1 boys. It's a regular Muldoon boom." "Give us a cent," persisted the boys. "vVid pleasure," said Muldoon, putting his bead out of the cab window, "only I haven't wan. WiddY Dunn borryed me last two to put on poor Mick's eyes. Shure he fell off a scaffold and kilt him self complately, and they wake him to-morrow. O'Brien's band furnishes the music. Wait till I return from me walk, b'yes. I'll presint yez all wid a bouquet an' a piece of cake." The boys positively refused to be elated with such brilliant prom issory presents. They wanted present p e nnies. "Who P'It green spectacles on bis horse and fed him shavings for hay?" tbP.y yelled. "R(>d-muzzled Muldoon, the miser!" they chanted back. "Who fed his boarders on coble-stone souv?" "Red-muzzled Muldoon, the miser!" "Who gets drunk and beats his wife?" "Red-muzzled Muldoon, the miser!" "Who's going to get licked in the walking match acos he was to stingy to eat 'I" "Red-headed Muldoon, the miser!" .ro the music of the beautiful chant improvised for the occasion by the disappointed boys who had reckoned on taffy money from Muldoon, sure, the carriage rolled off, followed by a vollel'. of stones, mud, old vegetables end sticks. "Yer are intensely popular, Muldoon," sarcastically remarked Rafferty. "1'bey give yer the biggest boom I ever saw-under stand?" Muldoon shut up. ".A.b the fickleness av the masses," was all be could say. The carriage soon drew up befor

6 THE IRISH RIVALS. .A big crowd had collected to witness the start of Gallagher's great tournament. Muldoon's appearance upon the sawdust circle was the signal for a general chorus of remarks, the reverse of complimentary in most cases. "Holy smoke--look at it!" "It's an effigy." "No, it's alive, for it grows hair." "It's Stewart's body." "Shure, it can go in five-nineteen." "I wonder has it any friends?" "It was built in a rope walk." "Do ye suppose he grew up on a hill, or in the bushes?" "It's one of Barnum's gorillas they've brought down here for a judge." "Whist, lave it alone, bye1:1. It dropped in through the roof, and they'll swape it out in the morning." This last sally produced a grand laugh, and Muldoon was glad to reach the starter. The other pedestrians were already there, including Edwardo, Terry Rafferty and Hippocrates. Hippocrates wa!I looking pale, and evidently felt the derision of the spectators keenly, they having facetiously baptized him "Broomsticks." Mulcahy was there, too. "I have been buying crape to-day, Muldoon," said he. "For what?" "To go to yer funeral in. Yez will be dead before ye walk one hundred miles." "Kape the crape," replied Muldoon, "yer widdy'll nade it. Be jabers, if I couldn't outwalk a monkey-man I wud die!" "Do yez refer to me as a monkey-man?" bristled up Mulcahy. "Be still," cried the starter. ".Are you all ready, men?" "Yes," cried the contestants. "Then go!" .Amidst the cheers of the crowd the pedestrians started upon their tramp, Muldoon plainly walking to win. He led for the first lap, and while passing a group of friends he was presented with a basket of flowers bearing the label : "One for the tarrier." Holding the basket in his hand, he made a vigorous spurt, and cries of "Hurrah for Muldoon!" rent the air. CH.APTER III., Muldoon was still ahead. He put on his best licks and circled around the track in a style which was applauded, except from a corner where a delegation from Mulcahy's sat. They hissed and scoffed at l\Iuldoon and his efforts. "Close your eyes whin Muldoon comes around," advised one. "He can't walk." ".Av coorse not," responded a second. "He's a regular rank "I hear he feeds his boarders on roasted dog from the pound, and tells thim it's grouse." "Faix, it is foine grub they have at l\fuldoon's morgue ivery day. Peruvian woodcock-a fish-ball wid a feather in it-for breakfast all the year 'round." ".Arrah, Muldoon ought to be ashamed of himself walking around here while his poor wife is out wid a basket hegging av cold victuals for the boarders' dinner." Muldoon stood these allusions just about as long as he could. Then when his temper arose to the boiling point he turned square around to and faced Mulcahy, who was second man in the walk. "Mr. Mulcahy," requested he, "will yez plaze request the mim bers of yer menagerie to kape their mouths shut?" "Who?" asked Muicahy. "The chromos from yer penitentiary," responded Muldoon. "They are altogether too quaint wid their remarks." "I can't help it," grinned Mulcahy. "Yez can." "Oi can't." "Mr. Mulcahy," said Muldoon, "it breaks me heart to doubt yez ;worrud, but it is a mane, dirty liar that yez are!" 1 Whack! went Mukahy's fist against Muldoon's eye, and over toppled Muldoon in a most skillful style, followed by Mulcahy, who fell on top of him. There was the utmost excitement in the hall. .A fight beat a walking match all hollow in the minds of the spectators. "Give it to him, Muldoon!" "Sock it to him, Mulcahy!" "Break his neck!" "Kick him in the jaw "Get him down and punch his head Cries similar to thE'se rang out from all parts of the hall, while the two pedestrians pummeled each other with a hearty good-will. But at last, by the efforts of Gallagher, the manager, assisted by several special policemen, they were parted. "Let me get at the buck-toothed image av a mule!" entreated Muldoon. "Shure, I'll finish him in wan blow!" "Lave go av me!" Mulcahy pleaded. "Why did yez catch hold av me? Begob, I had me hand down his throat, reaching for his fut. .Another second an' I wud have pulled him inside out!" Despite these remonstrances, the two were held fast, conveyed to the back door, placed in cabs and driven home. Their career as walkers, in that tournament, at least, was over. "I tould yez so," says Mrs. M. to her lord and master; "I con jecthured as much. .After all yez training, as ye call it, an' turning av yer house upside down, ye walk just three-quarters av a mile. It is put into a lunatic asylum yez should be." Muldoon bore her reproaches very calmly. He had another great idea in his head. "Bridget," said he, "I intend to astonish the vicinity." "How?" "Wid a party." "What sort av a party?" "Listen, woman. Ye know there was a great many invited to our 'Pinafore' who did not come. There were the MacRileya and Long John Brennan, an' Dump Cart Inspector Hooligan, an' quite a squadroon av the other high-tones av me acquaintances who sint excuses." 0'Yis." "Well, I lntind to give a party and ax thim again. Bring me pen, ink and papetrie, Mrs. M. I intind to compose an invitation." Mrs. Muldoon soon brought the designated articles, and placed them beside her husband. Letter writing was a serious work with Muldoon; he went at it as if he was plowing He took off his coat. Next he dipped his pen into the ink, glared ferociously at the ceiling, and scratched his head savagely, as two infallible aids to composition At last, after he had blotted four sheets of paper, upset the ink stand twice, ruined six pens, and used his mouth for a pen-wiper until it1 looked like the entrance to a coal mfae, he succeeded in evolving the following "invitashun:" "MR.---. "DEAR Sm :-Mr. and Mrs. Muldoon, in compulsion with the boarders, respectfully ax yerself to a small but elegant party, to be given at Mr. Muldoon's celebrated Boording-House (rooms fifty cents per day, males ixtra), on Saturday night, October -, 1878. Mr. Muldoon having axed yez wanst before to a reprisentashun av 'Pinafore,' which yez did not attend, Mr. M. will fale hurt if yez do not honor him wid yer presince at the party. Collation by Fo garty-Music by O'Brian. Respectfully yours wid love, "'.l'ERE:!'

THE IRISH RIVALS. 7 "Be Heavens, he will do! It will be very kibosh, Bridget-a rah! Ohinaman imported especially for this occasion only by Mul doon. Whin Mulcahy hears av it he'll be drownding himself in a wash-tub." Accordin gly, it was decided 'that Hog-eye was to be the door keeper and. announce the guests. At last the eventful night arrived, as eventful nights have a way of doing, and the guests flocked in. Hog-eye was at the door and he looked so sweet and childlike th'1t Muldoon felt like patting him on the head, and giying l>im a stick of barley candy. "Hog-eye, ye daisy," he said, "yez must announce the guests. Oall thim out, so that I may know who they are." "Y ellee loud 'l" asked Hog-eye. "Yis-aiquil to a fog-horn." "Callee so you knowee !em?" "'l'hat is the proper caper sauce for an illivated party loike me own. It is a blue-blooded affair, yez know." "Allee yite," and Hog-eye took his station at the doot-. Muldoon walked into the parlor where his wife and the were collected, all agonizingly conscious thatthey had their bl'st clothes on. "Animate yerselves," ordered Muldoon; "ye look loike :\ set of wooden dumniies on front av a hand-organ which only move whin the music goes. Begorra, Mrs. Muldoon, the guests will be taking yez for a hat-rack and hanging their hats onto yer fairy form." .T ust here the bell rang. Hog-eye's voice sounded sweet as maple sugar: "Fattee old gal wid hoopee-skirt. Lillee man wid biggee nose gleatee red Muldoon was fairly paralyzed with astonishment, and the boarders looked at each other in surprise. Hog-eye's voice was heard for the second time. "Solid ole cussee muchee belly. Mr Iii can gal allee pain tee. Lil lee Mellican slideblords an' licumpilly collal." "Howly Mother av Moses!" Muldoon groaned, Mthat is the way the haythen is announcing me guests. He will l>e massacred in a few seconds Muldoon's words proved true. Hog-eye answered the door for the third time, and started to announce: "Glass-eyed son ub glun with hair biggee red an--" Then there sounded a noise as if somebody was being thrown through the front door, followed by a Chinese death wail, and a volley of vigorous Irish oaths. Immediately afterward, Mr. Bryan O'Shaughnessy, the big butcher from Centre market, stalked in with a face as red as his own beefsteaks. "Mr. Muldoon," said he, in a thunderous voice, "ye may send a messenger for the dump-cart." "What for?" asked Muldoon. "There is a dead Chinaman outside on the walk. I never was BO insulted in me loife-never. What do ye mane, sir, by employing sich vermin?" Muldoon humbly apologized. But it was a long time before he could pacify his guests, whose tempers were greatly ruflled by their unique introductions, and it took s evera l visits to Muldoon's private rooms and several inter Yiews with a roguish-looking black bottle to assuage Mr. O'Shaugh nessy's wrath. Gradually, though, the parlors filled, and the party began. Hippocrates Burns took a seat at the piano, roll e d up his eyes as if he were trying optical gymnastics, and began to sing: "I'd Like to be a Birdie." Muldoon stopped him. "Be Heavens, Hippocrates, I wish ye wur a birdie," he "I wud shoot ye inside av a minute. But ye don't burst up th" festivities wid yez vocalization. Remember, Hippocrates, this is not a funeral, though yez wnd made it so. Go sit down upon the eofa an' ax onld Miss McTurk'to tell yez the name of the folks who died in 1812." "Let Mr. Burns make a spache, or a recitation," proposed Terry Rafferty, with a mischievous smile, as he gently squeezed Miss Fresh's dainty waist. Hippocrates needed no second invitation. He mounted a stool, did some more eye-rolling, and began, to a wind-mill accompaniment of his hands: "At mlyid-night in his ge-yarded te-ent, The T-yerk was dre-yeeming of the yhour, When G-reece her ka-nee in--" The guests got enough of it already. Tie a brick to his feet and throw him out of the wfndy roared Muldoon "Put him on ice till he gets well!" suggested Edwardo. "Take him down of!' av the stool-he draws flies!" said Rafferty. "Shure, the pimple he calls a head is ripe!" yelled Mike Magee, astonishing himself by saying something. "Prick it with a pin!" With a face suffused with blushes and a heart full of rage, Hippocrates stepped down. But his poetical nature asserted itself. "Bah, ye base-born serfs!" he hissed, as he walked stately out of the parlor. "I lave yez all to your born ignominy!" "Wbirra-whirra, it's cursing av us he is!" said Mrs. Muldoon. "Johanna, go up and tie him to his bed. He'll have fits before morning!" "Aisy," protested Muldoen, "he wur blessing us in hog Latin. Hippocrates has a great head. Shure, he learned how to say 'milky cocoanuts' in Choctaw inside av three years, though what good it' done him I niver could conjecthure. What shall we do now?" "Let's play some game," proposed Miss Krouse. "Blind-man's-bufl'," said Mrs. Muldoon. "Hold on!" pleaded Muldoon, "I have no life insurance upon the furniture. Mrs. M., are yez crazy? Blind-man's-buff in the parlor. Ye moight 'as well go around to McSwegan's livery stables, borry two jackasses and play polo. No, woman, blind-man's-buff is barred." "Let's play puss in a corner," remarked the alderman. "Wud yez look at the baby that wants to play puss in a corner?" !larcastically said Muldoon; "bring me some string till I make a cat's-cradle for him. It is down in Mulligan's alley playing 'Little Sally Waters' wid the rist of the babies on the block yez shud be, alderman." "I know a game," said Edwardo. "Is it brand-new, loike yerself?" asked Muldoon. "Yes." "How do you work it?" "Aisy. Everybody takes a litther. Dhraws it out av a bag. No wan but himself knows what it is. Then one man, called the interloctutor-" "The which?" "Interlocutor?" "Does any salary go wid the name?" "No. This inter--I'll break it of!' short-axes a question, and a second sardine, called the respondent, replies wid a letter for an answer. See?" Muldoon said he didn't. By aid of a pair of opera glasses he might be got to comprehend, but at present he didn't. But if the rest were willing to risk their lives, he was. The rest were eager to try it. The alderman was chosen interlocutor and Edwardo Geoghegan respondent. All drew their letters from the bag, Master Roger Muldoon's letter blocks having been pressed in for the occasion. The alderman hemmed and hawed and finally asked : "Who is the prettiest person and the most accomplished lady in the room'?" "H," said Edwardo. "H" was discovered to be Miss McTurk, who was about one hundred and eighteen years old, had skin as hard as leather and a noRe like a lobster claw. Whereupon Miss McTurk braced up and giggled, and wondered if her false teeth were cut on the bias all right. "Whose legs are so bandy that he has to have his pants cut with a circular saw?" queried the alderman. "B," said Edwardo. Muldoon roared and kicked himself, for it was BO awfully funny. "What poor di vii has got 'B ?' he asked. "You've got it yourself, Terry," said his wife, peeping over hia shoulder. Then there was a roar from the rest of the party, and Muldoon did not think it was half so funny. "Go ahead wid the ould game," he growled, as he drew another letter, for the letters were redrawn after each query. "Who's got a hand like a gang-plank av a Coney Island boat?" the alderman asked. "Z," came the answer. "How ly Moses shrieked Terry Rafferty. "Pick me teeth wid an ax, Muldoon's got 'Z.' Muldoon bad "Z." And he wanted to get an axe and cut Edwardo's head. "It ls a put-up job to ridicule me before me guests," he said. "Let me be t:he sucker what answers riddles." So Muldoon stepped up. He drew a letter himself, for mere form. He noticed that Edwardo took what he supposed was the letter M. Here was a grand chance to get square. "What ould bog-trotter has got mud on his teeth?" asked the po lite alderman. "M," cried Muldoon, with a grin as broad as his face.


8 THE IRISH RIVALS. "Who's got 'M?' asked several. "Edwardo criea Muldoon. "Arrah, Edwardo, ye gypsy co-quette, ye are in for it now." But Edwardo did not appear to care. He squinted curiously at Muldoon's Jetter. "Yez have it yerself. Muldoon," declared he. "Yez are out of yer head complately," pityingly replied Muldoon. "I have 'W.'" "Not much," answered Eawardo. "Yez have 'M' turned upside down. I dhrew 'W' meself. Begorra, the beers are on Muldoon again." Such a shout as went up! It fairly shook the block, and woke up the policeman on the beat. "To the divil wid the ould game," Muldoon cried; "it is only fit for a lunatic asylum. l<' aix, it is one assemblage of idiots I have collected. Perhaps next yez will be wanting to secure hooks and lines and go fishing into the butter-tub for croton bugs." Having delivered himself of this tremendous sarcasm, Muldoon retreated sulkily to the rear end of the parlor, sat down upon a sofa, and relieved himself som ewhat by asking Mrs. Fitz Murphy, in an audible voice, bow long it was before Edwardo's sister was coming down off of the Island. "Now we'll dance," said a chorus of young ladi es "What?" queried a male chorus "The nine-pin," said Miss Krouse. "It's awfully jolly." "The slug nine-pin," Interpolated Edwardo, wi t h ;> wink. The set was soon made up. "Please be the nine-pin, l\fr. Muldoon," begged :\fi ss Krouse with her sweetest smile. Muldoon refused. "I won't be a nine-pin, or a ten-pin, or a clothes-pin either. "What is the slug nine-p in?" "You'll see," archly said Miss Krouse. "It's lots of fun, and yo u are such a nice dancer." "So graceful." "So easy "So light on the feet." "Such an illigant stepper." "No speeler-;-but a rale sweety dancer." Chorused the rest of the ladies, while Mrs. O'Sh aughnessy, the butcher's buxom wife, tickled Muldoon gently under the chin, and requested: "Plaze oblige us, Mr. Muldoon. Y ez know yez a r e the loi fe av a dance. You will be rale mane if you don't." How could Muldoon refuse'! ''I'll do it to plaze the edd ies," said he, "but I bet, b eg ob, there's a figure in it when I get fired downstairs. Are yez all ready?" They were. Muldoon was put in t h e middle of the d ancers, and the musi c started. Off they went in the maze and intricacies of the favorite and fun-provoking nine-pin. Suddenly the music stopped. "Slug the nine-pin!" cried Edwardo. '!.'he whole merry crowd of dancets went for Muldoon. He got "slugged." They banged him in the eye and clubbed him in the face. 'l'hey got upon stools and chai r s to strike him, and when they got hirn down, they got down, too, to walk ov e r 1tnd jump onto him. Th<'Y tore his coat and blacked his optics, bloodi ed his nose had lots of fun with him. Muldoon fought bravely, but h e was no match for the scientific crowd who figured as his assaulters,, particU:Iarl:v as the ladies were his chief tormentors, and of cou r se b e could not T1it them. Finally a late arrival, a gallus, just-landed Dutchman, came in. and the c rowd spotted a new victim. In a second they left Muldoon lying comp l eteJy "laid out" on the floor and surrounded the poor Dutchman. Soon a n.P.w nine-pin set was co mposed, and the jokers were circ ling eagerly about the fresh "nine-pin." Muldoon r aised himself up and gazed at the dancers. "Luk at me--luk at me!" cried be. "I luk loike the loife av the party, don't I? Be Heavens, I will nive r dan ce 'Slug the Nine pin' again as long as I live. Lay low for the Dutchman, ye divils CHAPTER ;ry. Around the smiling and totally unconscious Dutchman circled the dancers. Muldoon got up. "Begorra, I will have a hand in the funeral," he said. The Dutchman !ooked at his general dilapidate d appearance as he walked up. "Vos you had a fit, Mr. Muldoon'/" asked be. "It was timporary insanity," replied Muldoon "So ye are the nine-pin7" "Yaw," answered the other. "Thin allow me to recommend Tim Donohue, the undertaker. He gives yez the boss twelve -dollar funeral on the avenue:" "Vat you mean? I vants nicht to get buried. I vas nod dead!" '"Yez are nixt to it. Stop the music, for Heaven's sake!" bawled Muldoon. "Shure. a Dutchman ran ove1 me sister's bye tin years ago, and I intind to get square on the sex!" The music stopped. The Dutchman grinned amiably. "'Vas dis de end of de dance"!" he qaeried, placidly. ''Divil a bit, it wor the ind av ye," promptly replied Muldoon. "Slug the nine-pin." Muldoon wanted to get first crack bad. He struck out wildly. The Dutchman dodged. Muldoon's fist landed against Mrs. O Donnell's face, and tem porarily flattened her nose. "Murther!" she bawled, appealing to her husband. "Mr. Mul doon is gone crazy Shure, we wi!I all be kilt!" Mrs. O'Donnell was six feet high and built like an ox As a natural result, Mr. O 'Donnell was four feet five, and re sembkd a lead pencil with a head onto it. But he was game. He hit boldly out at Muldoon. It res e mbled a fly attacking an ox. "Mrs. O'Donnell," apologized Muldoon "plaze accept me apol, ogies. It wur an accident. I meant to slaughter the beer-gorger. If I have spiled yez fairy nose I will purchase yez a putty wan wid pink nos trils." The lady consented to be pac ified. "Michael," said she to her hushand, "ye may stop yer assault and battery. Mr. Muldoon d eclares it wur a casualty." "Wur be hitting av me?" Muldoon asked looking rlown. "Av coorse," responded Mrs. O'Donnell; "an' quite roigbt he wur, too." "Bejabers. I didn't know it," Muldoon grinned. "Michael, it wur luck y I didn't foind it out, or I moight have stepped onto yez an' squashed yez Where is the Dutchman"!" "Laid out onto the r efrigerator," declared Edwardo; "they're trying to bring him to by burning his hat before hi s nose." "Arrah, it's a purty dance," soliloquized Muldoon. "It's a lmost aiquil to being run over by a horse car. But a llow me to in sinuate that it would not be long-lived for any tarri e r to ax me to be nine-pin again; it would be a direct road to Calvary Cemetery." By this time the poor Dutchman, whom nobody seemed to know and who must have got into the party b y mistake, had Ileen h e lp ed out of it through the back doot by Edwardo. Peace was thus r estored, and dancing started again, being kept up till late, or rather early in the morning. Everybody went home pleased, and Muldoon was d e lighted. "It was the biggest society success av the sayzun," he declared to his wife, upon going to bed; "barring the fact that Mr. McShally mistook the i ce cream pail for a cuspidor, and Mrs. l<'inn egan broke h e r l eg attempting to walk out av the dining-room through the cel lar door, everythi n g passed off with great eclat. '.rh ere i s a noble worrud for yez, Bridget. I intend to presarve it in camphor to kape the moths out av it." The next day Muldoon felt a trifle stale. Not even the' excitem ent of Mukahy's servant girl falling down t h e front s t eps and breaking the b ee r jug aroused his spirits. "I think I will go down and take a drop in upon Danny Rourke, he said, after supper. "Danny's black tom cat has just had a red, white and blue kitten, and I intend surveying it. It wud be a big card for me boarding-honse, and if :Panny will take our ei'gbt-day c lock, I will make the trade. Accordingl y he sauntered down to Mr. Rourke's. Mr. Rourke was a bacbelo1. Being not ostentatious, he abode in a fifth floor room in a tenement house in Mulligan's alley. Arriving at the hou se, Muldoon notice d a number of colore d folks ascending tbe stairs into the house. "I wondher have they a cake-walk onto the roof?" refle cted be, and h e stopped a big negro with a dandy dress and an air of grave yard solemnity. "Ah, ye colored pedestrian," gayly said Muldoon, "where are yez steering for? Have ye a bush-meeting upstairs?" The d arky assumed a very sad expression and roll ed his eyes upward. ''Nudder bressed Iamb gone to sit upon de throne," he said. "Shure, wasn't he contented wid a chair? Was it a female lamb or an ould buck sheep"/" "Youse doan't understand, brudder. He's gone dead. "Dead broke?"


THE IRISH RIVALS. 9 ThP. darky threw up his h11nds with a sigh of disgust. "Brudder Mentague am dead," he said. "vVe are going to keep de watch ober him. Gwine fo' to watch an' pray fo' de good ob his S6UI." "Arrah, it's nothing but a naygui's funeral," groaned Muldoon. "Begob, I thought it moight be a cock fight." By way of a slight consolation Muldoon mashed the darky's tall hat over his and passed on. "If I iver get elected to the United States penitentiary at Wash ington I'll vote for another naygur exodus," he said. After kno c king at eight or nine rooms and getting into eight or nine fights with their occupants, he succeeded in reaching Mi:. Rourke's. Mr. Rourke was at home. But his retl, white and blue kitten was not. It had been lent out to a church fair, where they had issued tickets to see it to every body who bought ten cents' worth of tracts. Mr. Rourke was keenly glad to see Muldoon, and they soon got talking over old times, for they had ooth been boys together in Dublin. Suddenly the sound of mnsic broke out upon the air. "Gwine to put on de golden wingsFly-fly wid de angels; D0an't care nuflin' for earthly things-Fly-:fly wid de angels. Den wait till we sit on de thrones, Den wait till we sit on de thrones, Den wait till we sit on de thrones-Walk on de golden street!" "Be: H eavens, it is a boy wid an accordeon," declared Muldoon; "loan me a brick till I drop it out av the windy an' make an in quest out av him." "Hou Id on!" Rourke laughed; "it is the naygurs." "What naygurs." "In the next room." "Are they rehearsing av fl murdher?" "Arrah, no-it's a wake." "Shure, it is luck y the corpse is dead," said Muldoon; "the vocalism would kill him if he wasn't. Who is the gentleman that is to be planted?". "Montague, the whitewasher. He wor struck by a falling telegraph pole yisterday and laid out." "Wan Republican voter the less," Muldoon sagely said. "Dan ny, have ye no way of amusing yerseli an' yer friends? I'd rather play butther-scotch than listen to the massacrers av music in the next flat." lnrst Rourke suggested playing dominoes. But investigation disclosed the fact that part of the dominoes had been thrown out at a cat, and the baby on the next floor had swal lowed the rest. '.rhen Muldoon discovered a pair of boxing gloves upon the wall. To be sure, the thumb of one of them was gone, and straw stuck conspicuously out of th!\ otqer, but Muldoon said: "It makes no odds. It is only a friendly bout." So he and Rourke put on the gloves and squared off. "Luk out now, Danny," warned Muldoon; "if I double yez up beyant the door raymimber I bear no malice," and the flow of bis e loquence was only stopped by suddenly perceiving his heels rising above his head, the effect of a well-delivered body blow of Mr. Rourke's. But he got up, and they were soon at it again. Meanwhile the negroes in the next room were bewaiJing the sudden and unexpected departure of Brother Montague for another sphere. Mrs. Montague, a stout, buxom wench, sat at the head of the coffin, fully alive to the fact of her important position, while her friends clustered about. They were loud in their praises of the deceased. 'He war such a good fader." remai:k ed one, which, seeing that the corpse had no children was certain to be taken in an allegorical sense. "Amen chorused the rest. .. Such a good hRsband "Amen Halleloo "He's t?Wine up to glory, shnah "We'll be be dar!'' "Gwine to walk 'round de track wid de angels!" "Bress de spirit-Halleloo Thus they went on in regular n eg ro style, until at last they got so enthusiastic that they could hold in no longer. "Brudder Jeff'son-Brudde r .leff'son," appe aled the widow, "gib us a hymn." Brudder Jeff'son was the darky whose hat Muldoon had crushed. Brmder Jeff'son considered himself a daisy with the wenches, and as Mrs. Montague was a cream-colored beauty, and the la mented Mr. Montague was lying a totally uninterested SJ'lectator, Brndder Jeff'son concluded he would try and get up a mash on the widow. Brudder Jeff'son had a voice like a cow choked pn an apple, but he sang by main strength and didn't care. Standing up, he began a popular camp-meeting melody: "Say, Peter, will you let me in? Done dropped de key ob Hebben ; White as snow an' free from sin, Done dropped de key ob Heb hen." Just as Brudder Jeff'son had finished the last word, there was a terrible racket heard from the next room, where Muldoon and Danny Rourke were boxing. Suddenfy there was a crash ; the thin apartment wall fell through and Muldoon came tumli!ing through the aperture. "Howly Moses!" came Rourke's voice, in accents of surprise, "if I had hit the Tip much harder I'd a knocked him clane out into the strate." Muldoon struck the coffin. It tilted violently, and somehow the corpse sat up. 'l'he darkies screeched and shrieked and cowered in terror. The widow deserted her post, and flew to Brudder Jeff'son, who clasped her fervently. As for Muldoon, he caromed off I on to the floor, rolled over once or twice, and finally staggered to his feet with an air of consterna tion. "Begorra," said he, "I belave I have broken up the festivities. Och, but Danny Rourke's fist is as hard as a brick, an' he hits loike the kick av a mule. Faix, I must beg the naygurs' pardon. A thrue gintleman wnd aven be polite to Chinese." Muldoon proceeded to put his intention into execution. "I did not mane to discontinue yer reunion," he said, with a graceful wave of his boxing glove; "it was a casualty. Go ahead wid the picnic." But nobody appeared to pay the slightest attention to his words. 'rhe mourners were gazing with fear-distended eyes at the coffin, which was at his back "Can't yez spake'?" angrily asked Muldoon, turning his attention especially to Brudder Jeff'S6n. ""Bedad, yez big, black, buck nay gur, if yez squeeze that woman much harder yez'Jl break her an' have a double-header of a funeral." Brudder Jeff'son made no reply. He pointed one finger tremblingly toward the supposed dead man. Muldoon turned around. The corpse was rubbing his eyes and lookisg fiercely at the party in general, and the widow and Brudder Jeff'son in particular. Muldoon was as superstitious as most of his race. He made a bolt for somewhere, he didn't quite know where. Standing near him on a table was a wicker-covered bottle which looked as if it might contain some courage raiser. Muidoon grabbed it and put it to his lips It was whisky. In his agitation he swallowed about a pint. Meanwhile the corpse had clambered out of the coffin. He had not been killed by the telegraph pole falling upon him, hut only rendered unconscious, from which condition Muldoon's abrupt and original entrance had aroused him. He gla1ed fiercely around. The tableau of his wife and Brudder Jett'son did not see m to please him. He whipped out a razor from the pocket of his pants, which hung on the wall, and started for Brudder Jetf'son. How those mourners did scatter! They went out of doors, un der beds, through the' hole in the wall, and Muldoon afterward de clared that he saw three or four go out of the window They found their tongues, too, and shouted as they ran: "He's alive!" "He's got a razor." "Dar's kill in his eye "It's a miracle "Raving crazy 'Spect he'll cut deep." / Brudder J eff'son dropped his lovely burden and danced over a chair with the corpse right at his heels. "Wha' youse doing wid my wife?" demanded the corpse. "Wanted to bury me alibe an' marry her. Yah, I'se de wust ole dead niggah yonse eber seed. Whoo! gwine to cut youse lung right out!" "Sabe me!" appealed Brudder Jeff son, flying over a table and getting it between him and his pursuer. "I neber done nuffin Mis tah Montague ; deedy I didn't, sah "Don't sah me," replied the corpse, making spear thrusts with his razor. "I'se ain't a sah. My initials is N. G., an' dey stan' fo'


10 THE IRISH RIVALS. no good. Dat's de sort ob a tilack coon I i13. Jest lemme cut dat yere nigger lip of youse off fo' to wipe my feet J on Muldoon was regarding the performance sort of dazedly. He and Danny Rourke had been drinking a good deal in the eve ning, and the whisky that he had swallowed afterward went right to his head. In 'fact, to speak plainly, Muldoon was tight-full as a beer barrel. He watched the struggle between Brndder J efl"son and the resuscitated dead man with a con(used intellect. He could not get it through his muddled brain. There had ought to be a funeral. '.rhere was the coffin, there were the mourners; th11re wa11 eTery thing except the corpse. That necessary adjunct of a first-class, regulation funeral had basely come to lite and spoiled the whole business. Clearly it was not right, so Muldoon reasoned He staggered over to the these contestants, and grabbed Mr. Montague. "Fhat are yez doing, ye stiffy?" he queried. "Whoo!" howled Mr. Montague, digging his razor at Brudder Jeff'son. "I'se jess wants to cut dat niggah into fish balls, dat's all. l'se wicked flesh, I ie--borned bad i "Just put up the razor and go back to yer coffin," ordered Mul doon, whose speech, like many other men's, was noticeably all'ected by intoxication. "Wha' fo'?" asked Mr. Montague, surprised at this gentle mandate. "Ye're dead!" "Who is?" ye naygur." 'Specks l'se ain't. Jess lemme touch dat baboon wid de 11uor. Dead men can't cnt." "Luk a here," resumed Muldoon, "it is a nice sardine yez are. Be Heavens, if I was going fishing I wud put yez on a hook to catch clams wid. Retrate to yer coffin." "I won't!" "But yez will. Here yer friends go to work an' get all ready to plant yez ia iligant stoyle. Ye spile the whole festivity by getting out av yer coffin. "But I'se alibe." "Ye ain't." "Wha' am I?" "Yez are dead. Didn't the docthor say so, and wud yez be makin' him out a liar?" Mr. Montague wouldn't listen. He said he was alive. He wasn't going back to any cramped, uncomfortable coffin He wanted to butcher Brudder J eff'son, and he was going to do it if Brudder J eff'son would only be courteous enolilgh to step from the seclusion which the tablt> granted, and consent to be butchered "Arrah, ifs no good talking sinse to a corpse," declared Mul doon. "I must use muscle. Come wid me, ye walking blacking box." He grabbed Montague by the collar. "Play loight wid yer ham-cutter," he said, "or I'll reduce yer facial proportion by shaving off yer nose, and making a beautiful jewel av yer countenance." Mr. Montague tried to resist. But he was like a baby in Muldoon's powerful arms. Brudder Jeff'son was delighted. "Frow him out ob de window," he proposed. "Divil a bit," Muldoon replied, as he gripped the frightened Montague. "I have a better use for him than that." "Gwine to gib him up to the police!" questioned Brudder Jefl"son. "No, ye flamingo." "Wha' den?" "Watch and see. Do yez suppose I wud see aven a naygur dis appoin ted av a little enjoyment? Yez have come to a funeral and yez will have it." Muldoon righted the coffin with his foot He proceeded to cram Montague into it despite that gentleman's re sistance and reluctance to be a dead man twice. But at Muldoon got him in "Shut yer eyes, ye daisy, and cross yer arms," ordered Muldoon "If yez thry to kick the foot out av the coffin I'll murther yez." Poor Montague Jay still. He was paralyzed. "Youse ain't gwine fo' to bury me alive?" faltered he. "Shut up Yez ain't got no right to speak," replied Muldoon "Ye shud be completely satisfied. It is a splendid plant we will give yez. Shure. I'm going to ride in an ice wagon as head mourner! Here, ye Wooster street belle." This last remark Brudder Jeff' son applied to himself. "Call in the gang," continued Muldoon. n Afther an intermission av tin minutes the entertainment will go on." Brudder Jefl"son did. The sable mourners gathered together again, half scared to death, and regarding Muldoon as a ferocious lunatic whom it would be wise to humor. "Proceed wid the hymns," Muldoon ordered. "Faix, I'll Jade on the first lap. Here is a foine chant fur yez : "Wait till I put on me sealskin ulster; Wait till I put on me sea-green robe; Wait till I--" Here the corpse attempted to climb out from his unpleasant quarters. Muldoon fixed him by shutting down the coffin -lid and sitting upon it. "Go ahead with the funeral," he said; "we will have no more resurrection CHAPTER V. The mourners were gathered in groups, like scared sheep, watch ing Muldoon, whom they r egarded as a dangerous maniac who waJJ liable to murder anybody upon the slightest pretext. Plainly he must be humored, or, if thwarted, thwarted in such a way as not to provoke his ire. Muldoon got completely disgusted with the lack of interest man ifeioted at the funeral. "Begorra, I have witnessed more grief at the obsequies of an ox!" said he. "It ii!! no uioe of waking him any Jonger--let us carry the sarcophagus down to the hearse." "Oh, Lawd g roaned Mrs. Montague, "am de niggah really alibe? Wha' will we do? Dat yeah Mick would bury de bressed Jamb shuah." A. solemn-loo king nig with an alarming air consisting of all cra vat motioned her aside. The solemnlookin g nig was named Deacon Pillsbury, and if he had been only whitewashed and stood up in a graveyard he would have made a most excellent monument. "Lemme !iltrategize wid de lush!" he said, alluding to Mul doon. The mourners gladly consented. They didn't know whether "strategize" meant to hit Muldoon with n c lub, or to secretly assassinate him or not. "Belubbed brudder," began Deacon Pillsbury, "we can't convey de deah departed to de funeral vehicle "Why?" asked Muldoon. "Dere was a severe rain last night, an' de stairs hab shrunk Dere am no way ob getting de coffin down." "Shure we'll cut a> hole in the roof an' lift her out wid a derrick!" proposed Muldoon. The mourners objected to this method decidedly. So Muldoon proposed a second. He caught sight of a coil of clothes-line rolled up in a corner of the room. "Bedad, I'll put a slip-knot about the coffin and lower it out av the windy," he said. "Nate, convaynient and artistic!" In o rder to do so he got off of his perch and grabbed the clothes line. Mr. Montague gripped his opportunity of es cape. He beat the record in getting out of the coffin and out of the room followed closely by his wife, the intellectual D eacon, and the rest of the mourners. When Muldoon secured his clothes-line and turned to put it into practical use, he was alone 1n bis glory. "I belave it wor another naygur exodus,'' said he, as he braced himself up against the coffin "Go to worruk I do to bury him with polish and pomp, and the divil resurrects himself and runs aw11-y. I wish I wor down south, by Heaven, I'd join the Ku-Klux-Klan an' ate roast naygur To atone for his disappointment in not being head marshal at the funeral, he proceeded to mash things generally Just as he had fired a chair through the looking-glass, and was about pitching the bed out of the window, two policemen arrived and basely collared him. So, in the end, his innocent excursion to gaze at Mr. Rourke's red, white and blue Thomas cat kitten, cost him ten dollars, which a des potic judge said was the correct caper, the next morning. "To the divil with curiosities anyhow," he confided to his wife. "I wud not go six fate to see a Chinese aigle wid horns on his head." ''Talking about cats," said Mrs. Muldoon, "Mulcahy's pie-bald kitten was just into me cellar ana walked away wid a halibut."


THE IRISH RIVALS. 11 "Faix, she must have tunneled in," Muldoon answered. "I stopped up the hole through which she used to com e yesterday." "Yez did?" "Do yez desire me to make an affidavit to the fact, before the Boored av Common Scoundrels"/" "Fhat did yez stop it wid "l" "A stove-pipe, begorra. If the cat comes in again I will coat it wid kerosene oil, and inthrude it into Mulcahy's cellar wid its tail set on fire Yez will witness a conflagration in the Mulcahy domicile Muldoon swaggered off, wondering, as he expressed it to Ed wardo: "How the divil the four-footed scourge iver found egress." '.!'he next day there was a fine circus around the back yards of Muldoon and Mulcahy. l\Irs Muldoon put up a clothes-line Mrs. Mulcahy did likewi se They extended from fence to fence, and, of course, were intended to hold the washing of the respective boarding-hous es It happene d, while Mrs. Muldoon was arranging her clothes, preparatory to putting them out to dry, that young Roger strolled out into rhe yard and chanced to view the clothes-line Roge. r hatl borrowed a billy-goat, and was de sirous of taking a ride in a soap box phaeton which he had constructed. But he had no harnsss for the goat. It o ccurred to him that his mother's clothes-lin e would suit ex actly. So without a word to anybody, he cut down the line coiled it up closel y, placed it under his coat, and put for the street. '.!'he result was that when Mrs. Muldoon struggled out into the yard with soapy arms and a bundle of wet clothes, she did not have any place to put them onto. "Murther cried she, "me clothes-line is gone Vhere can it be?" With feminine wisdom she peered unde r the cellar-door, looked into h e r pocket, scrutinized the grass-plat as if the line had gone and buried itself there, but all to no effect "Whirra-whirra, the fairies have been here. It has vanished completely," she said; "shure I wonder cou ld the ram have ate it for--" Just then her eye beheld a piece of the Mulcahy ro pe which was dangling over the fence Her countenance at once assumed an expression of joy. "Ah! ha-ha-ha!" cried she. "Mrs. Mulcahy has tuk it. I knew she was red-headed and chopped up kindling wood in her cod fish balls, but not a bit did I she was a thafe. Nothing is safe now; they'll be staling the top of the woodshed to cove r their skylight wid Mrs. Muldoon peered trough a hol e the fence at the line. "Yis, there it is," said she, "wid ould Mulcahy's red flannel shirt a-waving in the wind, and those petticoats av Mrs. Mulcahy's that were won at a 1afile before the fiood. It is demoralize them I will, or me name i s German for Johanna I n pursuance of the noble scheme, she, by standing upon a saw buck, succeeded in unfastening one end of the line. A vigorous pull uncoupled fhe other, and the various articles upon the line were soon being dragged through the dust Muldoon ward. At this moment Mrs. l\Iulcaby appeared in her yard. with four or five clothes-pins in her teeth and a sheet in her hands "Howly murther!" shrieked she, "me line is aloive! It is pedestrianating. Luk at it crawl!" Yet Mrs. Mulcahy was not going to lose her line if it was alive, and she grabbed it. Mrs. Muldoon, who had got down off of the saw-buck as soon as she experienced a check in the line's progress, looked through the hole in the fence to ascertain the wherefore. "Ha-ha!" sneered she, it is that ould wildcat, Mrs. Mulcahy." "What?" answered that lady "Yez have hould av me line." "Who are ye"!" "Mrs. Muldoon." "Have yez the cheek to confess it, afther trying to stale m e line?" "Mother av glory!" groaned l\lrs. Muldoon, "wud yez listen to the jail-hen! She has brass enough to make a boiler! Mrs. Mul cahy, ye can give me no liquorice; it is my line." "It ain't," r epl.led Mrs. l\lulcahy "It is "Yez are a liar!" "Yez are a liaress!" "Lave go av me line. or I will crawl aver the fence and skate upon ye r African nose "Come over, if yez dare. I will tache yez to purloin me line. If there is a law in the land I will have it on yez. Come over, ye feather-tongued gorilla! Ins in the Museum av Antiquity wid the rist av the mummies yez should lie!" This torrent of eloquence fairly closed Mrs. Mulcahy's mouth for a while, but she never let go her hold upon the line. She pulled for all she was worth. Mrs. Muldoon pulled, too. Mrs. Muldoon was twice as muscular as her opponent, and slow ly but surely the line went inch by inch over into Muldoon's yard, Mrs. Mulcahy desperately holding on to her end but being outpulled "Ah, ye thafe, I have yez," groaned Mrs. Muldoon; "bedad, I'll put a lock on the back f ence after this. Perhaps yer monkey husband is around front now, confiscating av our area palings to pick his reservoir teeth wid." "I wish Mulcahy was here now," answered )lis wife; "he wud blow on yez wanst, and ye wud brake. Bah, ye ould hen, I knew ye r folks wbin they f ed upon cold victuals and cinders, and whin yez went wild wid enthusiasm if yez had mate wanst a year!" Mlt is ye are the pretty sylph to be alluding to daycent people's pedigree," answered Mrs. Muldoon. "It is well I raymimber whin your father, poor soul, was niver out av jail except on election day, and yer mother ran away wid a tin-peddler." A.II of this time the clothes-line was gradually getting over into Mrs. Muldoon's yard. At last, in order to hold on to her end, Mrs. Mulcahy had to get on to an empty barrel whi c h was upon her side of the fence. It was a pretty sight for a picture. There was Mrs. Muldoon pulling on her end of the line, and Mrs. Mulcahy, up on the barrel, pulling onto h e r end, and the innocent clothes between. "Will yez quit?" asked Mrs. Muldoon. "Never! stoutly r eplied Mrs. Mulcahy. "If yez don't I'll land ye z pell-mell onto me property. "Heaven preserve yez property if yez do prophesied Mrs. Mulcahy. But luck was against her. Her weight was altogether too much for the barre l -head to sustain, and it gave in. With a ye ll she sank down into the barrel, and the disputed over but innocent clothes-line flew over the fence into Mrs. Muldoon's victorious possession. As for Mrs. Mulcahy, she yelled like a bull for h e lp to extricate her from the barrel. It happened that her husband, Mulcahy, who was busily en gaged wondering how he could carve a two-pound turkey so ai to satisfy nineteen boarders, heard her appe als. He rushed out into the yard. A barrel, apparently in convulsions, with a pair of feet protrud in g from the end, met his gaze "Begorra, it's a robber!" cried he, as, grasping an ax, he struck the barrel a desperate blow One stave flew off, revealing a woman's form 'Tis a faymale pirate!" Mulcahy yelled "Get thee gone, woman-get thee gone "Oh Michael, don't ye know me I" aske d a female voice. "I r eco gnize yer accentuation. Who are ye"/" "Yer wife, Norah." "I will not belave it," dignifi ed ly returned Mulcahy; "the spouse av Michael Mulcahy wud nive r have fits in an ash-barrel. Ye are fooling me." "No, I ain't," and Mrs. Mulcahy crawled forth from the barrel, a sorry-looking sight. "Ye luk l oike the Queen av the Rag-pickers," expressed Mulcahy. "How did ye iver git into the barrel, Norah!" "Mrs. Muldoon made me "How?" "I strongly suspect she struck me on the head wid a brick. She stole our clothes-line, Mike." ''Be Heavens, I will go over the fence and chastise her," said Mulcnhy; "no woman can insu l t me wife and survive." In order to sustain his haughty words, Mulcahy raised him se lf above the fence. Mrs. Muldoon had rece iv ed reinforcements in the shape of Mul doon him self. "Ah, Mulcahy!" ironically said Muldoon "are ye after ye r red shirt! Bedad, we were just going to sind it do,vn to M emphis for a yellow faver flag!" "This is not a circus and we have no clowns," solemnly said Mulcahy. "Mrs. Muldoon has put me cherub wife into a barrel and stole the family c lothes-line. I demand satisfaction." "Shure, we'll presint yez wid a photograph av the line!" offered Muldeon. "If I were as fresh as yez I wud be baptized in a salt mine," returned Mulcahy. "Mr. Muldoon, Esq.-jackass-ye are no man." "Phat am I?" "Begorra, I give it up."


12 THE IRISH RIVALS. "If y e z will come ov e r here, yez W allahalla Hall mock orange, politely returne d Muldoon "I will s how y e z what I am. Faix, I am afraid to spit in your vicinity ; I moight drownd yez This was to o mu c h for Mulcahy H e jumpea over the fence and gra sp e d Muldoon by the throat. "Beg ob I will s hake t h e clothes-line out av yez," he threatened. Muldo o n didn t se e it. H e r e si s t e d the sh a k e part of the programme, and got the best of the brave Mul c ahy. E s p eci ally wh e n Mrs. Muldoon did a concertina s olo on t h e intrude r s h ead with a broom. "Pitc h hi m back into his own yard, advised she It was don e. l\fui cahy flew di sgrace fully over into his personal domains. "Ye z are a l e mon and I h a ve squeez e d all av the juic e out av yez," crowed Muldoon. "Begorra I will challenge Johnny Dwyer to-morrow to foight me a square heel and toe match for the cham pionship a v Mulligan's alley!" Almost s im ultaneously, Edwardo G e oghegan flew out of a sec mo s t viol e n t uproar in the kitch e n. "The r efri g erator' s bust!" said Muldoon. "Roger' s bl e w himself up wid the k e ro s ene can wail e d hi s wife. H a rdly had they uttered the words before Johanna, the cook, shot out of the bac k window as if sne had b e en bounc e d out by electricity. Almost simultaneously, Edwardo Georgh egan flew out of a sec ond window. "Howly smoke: it's a pantomime," Muldoon exclaim ed; "it's a--" Before Muldoon had time to finish his remark a sort of cyclone whirled out of the back door. The cyclone was compo s ed of a big billy-goat-plainly in a murderous state of mind-a soap-box wagon, on one whee), and a pale but desp erate small boy. The billy-goat was monarch of all he surveyed in a f e w se c onds. He butted Muldoon up against the fence, and flung Mrs. Muldoon into the woodshed. But success was too much for him. He made a big mistake in trying to climb up a clothes-pole got entangled in bis harness, and was finally secure d by the pale but

T H.B; IRISH RIVALS. 13 "I wud Jasso him before be makes a shipwreck av the dining room," advised Edwardo. "Arrah, Terry-Terry, do yez know me?" pleaded Mrs. Muldoon. "Look at Roger" s face-don't yez r ecogni?.e yez own child?" Shut up! Howly Moses, I'll kill the whole mob!" roared Mul doon. "Get me some water-me mouth is one conflagration 1" l\Irs. l\Iuldoon hurried ly banded. him a pitche r, spilling about a pint of wate r down the alderman's neck, greatly to his delight. Muldoon swallowed the water, and nearly the pitcher, at a gulp. "Are yez more aisy?" anxiousl y asked his wife. I am better now," Muldoon r e plied, wiping bis mouth with the back of bis iland. "Bridget, ye have played me false!" "How, Terry'!" "Ye transformed the nut-plate. Ye gave me the major's." Mrs. Muldoon confessed that she bad done so. "They luked so murb bigger, the nuts on the major's plate," she confessed, "that I thought I wud give them to ye. Terry, dear--" "Woman, ye nearly paralyzed me wid yer good intentions," sorrowfully answered Muldoon, and the supper went on in peaee "Bedad, but I must have been born across the bed," meditate d Muldoon to himself soon after. "Iverything always goes tail-first wid me. I belave if I should place the bane! av a pistol at a man's head and pull the thrigger, the divilish thing would shoot out av the handle and kill meself." Meanwhile the memorable feud with Mulcahy blazed up again. Mrs. Muldoon caught young Patrick Mulcahy leaning over the fence fishing in her hack yard. Young Patrick had his hook baited with bread, and was fishing for chickens. When Mrs. Muldoon discovered him he had just bad a bite, and was about hooking the old rooster. It is needless to r emark that he did not, for Mrs. Muldoon bit him a welt with the slop-pail which she chanced to have in her hand, which knocked young Patric k off of the fence. In his agitation he forgot all about the fish-hook, and, in some surprising style, common to fish-hooks, it caught in Jijg nose. He ran howling into the house, had it cut out by his sympathizing mother, and vowed revenge against the Muldoons. Then it happe ned that Muldoon, coming home aristocratically at five that night, was surprised by the sight of a group of laughing spectators surrounding bis door. 1 "Ha, ha!" exclaimed be, "I wondher "'.hat is the cause av the jocularity? I wondher has Edwardo put spectacl es upon Mrs. Mul doou's ram again and se t him up in the parlor windy wid a nightcap on like be wanst did 'I" He dre w nearer to hls domicile. A square piece of pasteboard was pinned to the front door, and the crowd appeared to be laughing at that. Muldoon reconnoitered it. Upon it, in big black letters, drawn in a school-boy hand, was inscribed the following pretty verse: "House to let, Inquire within, l\Iuldoou ki c ked out :b.,or drinking gin lt wasn't over two secon

14 THE IRISH RIVALS. The flames had spread from her tail until they now covered all of her body. She was a ball of fire. "Begorra, it is a comet!" shrieked Mulcahy, hopping up onto a step-ladder which stood behind him. The rest followed his example. There was some remarkably lively scattering in that kitchen dur ing the next minute. Old Grandmother Mulcahy skipped up on top of the table with an agility which was perfectly surprising in an old lady of eighty one, and what is more, she dragged her favorite grandchild up with her. The rest gained any coign of vantage which they could. Around and around circled the poor cat, with piteous shrieks. "Oh, what shall we do?" wailed Mrs. Mulcahy. "It will set fire to the kitchen, sure." "Put it out," briliantly answered Mulcahy. "We want no election bonfires around here." His advice was followed. Streams from the tea kettle, coffee pot, and aH other utensils which could be presse d into service w e r e poured upon the cat. Gradually she was "put out," that is to say, the flames were extinguished. But the cat was dead Some of the flames had entered its lungs and killed it. "What will we do with the corpse?" queried Mrs. Mulcahy, as she held it up for inspection upon a shovel. "Chuck it over into Muldoon's yard," readily replied Mulcahy; "faix, they'll have pot-pie for breakfast if they get it in time." The cat being thusly disposed of the question arose before the Mulcahys as to who could have been the cause of the cat's trans formation from a docile feline into a sort of amateur prairie fire? Various queries were proposed and rejected until young Patrick Mulcapy squeaked out: "I know who did it." "Who?" sternly asked Mulcahy. "No surmising now, ye cherub, or I'll bate yez black in the face "It was Muldoon, pop." "How do ye know?" 'Cause his boy Roger put his head out of the windy when I came past, and said that they ban our cat in their hen-coop, and they were going to make it lay eggs." "As I suspected." said Mulcahy. "I will go down to the cellar and reconnoiter. I bet he has shoved the cat through the stoyepipe." Mulcahy went down. He kn elt upon his hands .and knees upon the cellar floor, and peered through the stove-pipe. To his great astonishment, he di sc ov ered Muldoon's face regard ing him from the other end. "Ah-ha, Mister Muldoon," said he; "ye are there, are ye?" "If yez wud say I wur anywhere e lse, yez wud Joi!" replied Mul doon. "I suppose ye know nothing about me cat. Mister Muldoon?" "Is it aloive yet? Shure, I thought y baked it in a cake at yer wife's sixty-eighth birthday." "No blaggard dialect, if yez plaze, Mister Muldoon. Me cat was set on fire." "Was it playing wid matches"!" "No, sir. It was a plot to burn down me home. Did yez do it?" Niver!" .. Thin what are yez gazing through the stove-pipe for?" "For raycreation. Mr. Mulcahy. Hasn't a respectable citizen a roight to luk through his own stove-pipe if he wants to?" Mulcahy acknowledged the fact. "But I wud loike to catch the low, darty sucker who turned me cat into fire-works," he said "Don't yez call me a low, darty sucker'," unguardedly cried Mul doon. "Shure, the Muldoons were white whin the Mulcahys were naygurs." B "Ye gave yerself away!" yelled Mulcahy, in delight; "it was ye who combusted the cat!" Muldoon made reply by actions, not by words. He was chewing tobacco. With careful aim he injecte d a jet of tobacco juice into Mul cahy's north eye. Mulcahy disappeared from his end of the stoTe-pipe with remarkable celerity. "Howly murther!" bawled he, "I am blinded for loife!" "No such good news," callously replied Muldoon. "Sure, yer eye needed washing, ould man. I wanted for to take the grane out aT it." Mulcaby's first impulse was to run upstairs and get a gun, use the stove-pipe for a shooting gallery, and Muldoon as the target. His second, which he acted upon, was to give the stove-pipe a v1c1ous and energetic kick, which jammed that article over Mul doon's head, up to his shoulders. Muldoon's joy was turned into sorrow. The stove-pipe positively refused to come off. It seemed bound to stay with Muldoon for the rest of his life. How he did blackguard Mulcahy! But it did not affect that gentleman in the least, because he didn't bear a word of it-Muldoon'io voice being lost in the recesses of tM stove-pipe, and entirely inaudible through the cellar wall. "Begorra, I caught yez then, Terry Muldoon!" exultantly tri umphed Mulcahy; "caught loike a rat in a trap yez are! It is a foine figure yez will make going to mass en Sunday----a man wid a stove-pipe head," and content with this parting sarcasm, Mulcahy went upstairs to wash the tobacco juice out of bis eye and relate Muldoon's fix to bis delighted family. As for poor Muldoon, he was in a pretty pickle. Stove-pipes in their proper places, are well enough, and com mand a cc1tain degree of respect. But a stove-pipe on top of a man's head is as much out of place as a pair of wings would be on a jackas rabbit. At first Mulloon tried to free himself by knocking his obnoxious possession against posts and beams, with but one unsatisfactory result-the bruising of his head. "Bedad, I must &top this," he reflected. "If I kape on me head will be pulverized to a jelly, and will be running out av itself in liquid form. I will go upstairs and obtain aid, and then, be Heav ens, I will blow Mulcahy up wid dynamite!" There being no holes in the stove-pipe, Muldoon was not able to see, and, consequently, had to feel his way to the cellar stairs. After he had spent 11.bout three-quarters of an hour in falling ovtr everything there was to fall over, and fetching up at intervals of a minute head-first into the coal bin, he &ucceeded in reaching the stairs. By some great luck be did not fall down them more than twice, and at last succeeded in reaching the kitchen. He was a nice chromo for an art gallery. His clothes were dusty, dirty and torn. His hands were be grimed with coal dust, and the unuismayed stove-pipe protruded from his shoulders, his bead not being visible at all. His wife and Johanna, the cook, were in the kitchen when be staggered in. '.rbe noise of bis arrival caused them to turn around. Both shrieked "It's a robber!" cried Mrs. Muldoon. "It's the divil bawled Johanna, burling at him a big pan of potatoes which she w.s peeling. '"Woogle google goo!" replied Muldoon from the interior of the stove-pipe. "Who--what does he say?" asked Mrs. Muldoon, stopping for a second in her interesting occupation of yelling as if she was wound up for a week. "Wants to kill ns, I suppose." answered Johanna. "I belave it is a maniac, mum!" "Oh--oh, help-help!" bawled Mrs. Muldoon, at this awful sup position. "Throw the carving knife at him, .Johanna!" "Woo--goo--google--google--hoo--hoodle--hoo roared Mul doon, wishing to relate that he was Muldoon himself, and if the stove-pipe was not remoyed from his bead quickly there would be blue murder around that house. Seeing that the intruder did not appear anxious to deluge bis hands with gore, and stretch two corpses on the kitchen floor, Johanna plucked up courage to bawl at the top of her voice: "Who are yez?" "Muldoon!" hoarsely replied our hero, who just heard Johanna's question. "Shure. he says bis name is Balloon, mum," said Johanna. "Ask him what he wants," suggested Mrs. Muldoon. "Tell him we are poor, Johanna, but say he can take the c lothes-line and the bread dish if he will only go peacen bly away. Oh, if Muldoon was only here!" "Muldoon is here, my daisy," was wbat Muldoon wanted to re ply, but instead, in spite of all his e:i.:e rtions, all he could mutter was: "Mul'oon 'ere's 11.isy." "Troth, he says his ears are aisy," translated Johanna; "it is an idiot I belave he is, mum. But, bless Riven, here comes Mr. Geog hegan wid the alderman and Hippocrates Burns." Sure enough the three designated individuals appeared from the dining-room, where they bad been making a raid on the cake closet. They started in perfect surprise at Muldoon. "What dime novel did yez get it out av'!" at last que_ried Edward. "It's somebody been going to a massacra ball in the character av a stove," said the alderman.


THE IRISH RIVALS. 15 In chorus Mrs. Muldoon and Johanna told the title of the strange object's appearance. Muldoon tried to explain bis appearance, too, but bis google-google--goo, was all that was audible. "It's lol!t its teeth," compassionateiy said Edwardo, who, to tell the truth, discovered it was Muldoon almost at first sight, but was too fond of fun to give it away. "Give it pencil and paper, and let it write," suggested Hippo crates. "Good for ye, Hippy," said Edwardo; "if ye wud only lave poethry alone an' stick to horse-shoeing y e wud be a foine boy." He furnished Muldoon with pencil and paper. Muldoon at once comprehended what W!lll desired of him. Very illegibly and scarcely decipherable, for writing when you can't see pencil or paper is not quite as easy as going to sleep, Mul doon produced the following note : "Take off the stove-pipe, or begop, I'll kill the gang! I am smothered complately already. MULDOON." "Terence, me ould man!" cried Mrs. Muldoon, as she heard the note read, "how in the worruld did iver he get the stove-pipe onto bis bead? He's aitber drunk again or else he's been tbryin' to climb tbrougL into Mulcahy' a cellar." "The first thing to do, dogmati cally asserted Mr. Geoghegan, "is to worruk, not chin. We must get the stove-pipe off." He felt of it. "Troth, it's stuck as fast to his head as a pimple," he said. "How will we iver get it off?" "Rip it open with a chisel," proposed the alderman. "Saw it of!'.," said Johanna. "Cut it wid an ax!" brilliantly said Hippocrates forgetting that the adoption of his plan was liable to end in the decapitation of Muldoon The alderman's plan was first taken up. Muldoon was carefully stretched out upon the long kitchen table. Edwardo raked up an old chisel from the wood-house. It wasn't very sharp, for young Roger had been picking nails out of horse-shoes with it, yet Edwardo said he guessed it would do. He inserted the chisel into the seam where the stove-pipe was joined, and hit it vigorously with a hammer. CHAPTER VII. The cb.isel was the reverse of sharp. '.l'he hammer was a lawless sort of hammer, which had a predilection for slipping off of the chisel's top and bruising Edwardo's fingers. As for the stove-pipe, that was stubborn and rusty and slippery. Therefore Edwardo worked away for ten minutes with no practical results, save a hand which looked as if he bad held it in a bay cutter. "Ah-ha!" deliberately said the alderman, who had been watch ing the proceedings with great interest; "yez will never resuscitate him from the pipe in that way. It is die av and lack av exposure that he will before yez free him. Yez moigbt just as weJI wait for the stove-pipe to dhrop apart out av ould age." "But he can't remain inside av it foriver," sobbed Mrs. Muldoon. "Shure, he would be the ridicule av the neighborhood, an' how foine it wud be for me to have a husband with a sheet-iron bead!" "Suppose--suppose we get a stick just the size of the stove-pipe, and punch him out wid it?" brightly suggested Hippocrates Burns. "Suppose we get a stick and punch yer bead wid it," growled the alderman. "Ye are too theoretical, Hippocrates." "Wash him out wid a hose," remarked Terry Rafferty. "Another maniac wid a big bean," criticised the alderman. "If I 'wur ye, Ralferty, I would double up wid Hippocrates as the Luna tic Twins, an' get an engagement at the Tulgarities." "Well, you tell us bow to get him out," sulkily said Terry, 'fore ye chin to other gentlemen." "Aisy as falling off a Jog, ye cockatoo!" replied the !llderman. "How?" "Part av us get a hold av bis feet, part aT us grapple wid his stove-pipe extension, an' we'll pull for dear loife." "A tug of war," said Edwardo. "Begorra, it will be a murdher discontentedly said Rafferty. But the alrlerman's scheme was adopted. Edwardo, Terry Rafferty and Johanna fastened onto poor Mul doon's feet. Hippocrates, Mrs. Muldoon and the alderman collared the stove pipe. Poor Muldoon was conscious of the new racket, and didn't know what it meant. "If yez as much as scratch me, I'll bury yez all," he said, inside of the stove-pipe. But when it got outside of the pipe it was nothing but a mum ble-jumble of inarticulate words. ""\Vbat did he s.ay?" queried Mrs. Muldoon. "He was only perspiring," said Hippocrates. see the narrowness of the limits expands the sweat tubes and causes the noise yez just heard." "Bind Hippocratetl in leather, and put him in the bookcase for a docther's book," grinned Edwardo. "I think Muldoon asked us al to have a db rink." "Arrah, what a man Muldoon is," exclaimed the alderman, shaking bis head; "sinsible to the last: Johanna, take the wash boiler and go down to the Dutchman's afther a gallon av beer. Tell him to charge it to Muldoon." Johanna readily disappeared. "We needn't waste toime, boys," continued the alderman; "we can get Muldoon out first and have our beer afterward. Wan; two-six-pull, ye Galway Bla!lers They did pull. Pulled so bard that Muldoon yanked his feet away and kicked Hippocrate s in the jaw with so much force that Hippocrates retired very suddenly into a wash tub, from which !le was rescued with wet coat-tails and a pair of soaking socks clinging to his rear. "Hadn't we better give him before we pull again?" sadly suggested Hippocrates, as he tied bis jaw up in his hand kerchief. "Shure, it was only a relapse av his muscles," said the alderman. "We will give wan more pull for O'Connell and free Oireland." It was done. The stove-pipe glided partly olf of l\fuldoon's face, leaving his mouth and chin exposed. At least the structure of his mouth and chin, anatomically speak ing, for most of the skin had gone olf in company with the stove pipe. "He luks loike a skinned eel!" remarked Terry Rafferty. "I wondher if the rest av his face is raw, too"!" All further remarks were prevented by the torrent of cuss-words that issued from Muldoon's lips. He gave the gang the biggest setting-out that they had had for a year, winding up by profanely inquiring if they were bound to butcher him, why they didn't do it with an ax instead of slow torture. "Arr.ah, be aisy," said the alderman, quietingly, as he gave the stove-pipe a yank upon his own personal responsibility. The result was certainly astonishing. Edwardo had made some impression, after all, with his hammer and chisel, and the result of the alderman's effort was to split the stove-pipe and expose Mul doon's face--the stove-pipe looking like a sort of new-fangled bon net. Muldoon jumped off of the table with the stove-pipe yet cling ing on to his head. "Begorra, I will massacre the mob," he shouted. "Stand still till I get at ye--ye butchers." But the "butchers" respectfully declined the invitation. They dusted out of that kitchen in a most fascinating style, Ed wardo prudently locking the dor behind them, to prevent an active and perhaps murderous chase by Muld

1 6 THE IRISH RIVALS. -cro wd it would have been hard t o find than what Muldoon's board ing-house held that night. Of course proprietor of it was delighted "Be Heavens! ye can't play me for a sucker!" he cackled. .. Wouldn't yez l o ike to have fat pork fried in soft-shell clams for breakfast to-morrow A. M, wid lager sauce into it'!'' Naturally the mention of such a delicacy made the crowd fP.el worse, and Mu l doon was happy once more So ended the episode of the merry-merry Mulcahy's cat and the stove-pipe. Ontl day not long after this, when peace and good feeling had been restored all around. Muldoon was standing shaving at his mirror, while Mrs. Muldoon was making up the bed. "Terry," she suddenly exclaimed, stopping in a valiant wrestle with a pillow case. ;; Och!" groaned Muldoon, "kape yer mouth shut, woman. Here I have tuk the roof off me pet pimple E'or Heaven's sake, who's been using me razor? It is to shave meself wid a pie knife I'd rather." '"Johanna was cutting soap wid it," replied Mrs. Muldoon, unre servedly; "but I say, Terry," and she twitched his arm. Muldoon had just assumed a tiptoe position, and was peering into the glass with a most distorted face, while he elaborately scraped one cheek The result of his wife's touch was that the razor slipped and cut an elegant gash in his cheek. ''Howly Moses, ye've done it now," he howled, dropping his ra zor and jumping around as if he was on wires "Ye've maimed me for a loife toime. Worra-worra send for a surgeon; I will bleed to death "l!,aith, yez make more noise than a two -yearold calf," laughed Mrs. Muldoon. "Here, how does that feel 'I" and spitting profes sionally onto a piece of brown paper, she slapped it onto his cheek. "If ye had listened to me at first ye wouldn't have cut yerself," she composedly remarked. "Ye're worse nor a parrot fo1 talking," Mu l doon genially replied; "here is yer husband, wid a cut big as a sabre in his coun tenance, and ye are bothering him wid yer nonsense. What do ye want to say?" ;'To-night is All-Hallow Eve, 'rerry. "So it is-so it is, an' I c lane forgot it!" exclaimed Muldoon "Bedad, we must have a small parthy and play the ould games." He was so taken up with the idea that he forgot all about his recent wound but proceeded to make preparations for the party at o nce. That he must have done so successfully is to be inferred from the. fact that the same night found quite a party at his house. Besides his own boarders there were the Misses Gilhooly, Mr. Casey, Dump Inspector O'Reardon, and a side-whiskered and aw f u lly-awful young man named Reginald de Vere, who came in tow of the Misses Gilhooly, and who was said to be intensely wealthy, and nephew to a British baronet. When Muldoon came. into the parlor Reginald was bending over Miss Krouse, whispering sweet taffy, while Edwardo was fiercely regarding him as if he wouli! have liked to have knocked him down and jumped upon him. "Luk at the bow-legged blonde, will ye?" whispered Edwardo to Muldoon. "It is very high-toned and heart-crushing he is. He puts me in mind av a cigar sign." "Faix, it's a baby mine," replied l\Iuldoon. "He has hen-feathers on aich cheek. He is captivating your girl, Edwardo; ye are left." "He'll get left-left for dead in the hall if he tries any funny business with my Mary Ann," grimly said Edwardo. "Mr. Muldoon," called Miss Krouse, sweetly, "won't you come here?" Muldoon obeyed. "Mr. Muldoon," said she, "allow me to introduce you to Reginald de Vere "Happy to know ye," politely said Muldoon; "are ye any relation to Owney de Vere the Cmtre Market butcher?" "Naw," languidly replied Reginald; ;'nothjng so low, you know. My folks all belong to the--aw-awistocwacy." "Have ye a gum-boil in yer mouth'!" interestedly asked Mul d<>on. "Naw-why?" "I only conjecthured so from your dialect. Make yerself at home, De Vere. Shure, we don't care if ye do wear your hair wid a split in the middle. Ye will foind the beer can on the refrigera tor, and if yez loike some cowld pigs' feet before the collation is served. Miss Krouse will give yez the proper steer." While Reginald was slowly recovering from the mental paraly sis induced by this friendly speech, Mrs. Muldoon announced: "Leddies and gents, will ye plaze retoire into the kitchen, and we will duck for apples Ye see if we held the festivities here we m oight drownd the carpet." The guests eager l y flocked down into the kitchen, which had been all swept out and cleaned up as brightly as a new pin. In the centre, on a chai'r, was a big wash tub, with a noble greening apple .t!oating on top of the water. Hippocrates Burns was the first one to go ducking He succeeded in strangling himself at the first .attempt, and was taken out into the back yard, and hit with a club for half au hour before he came t o 'l'erry Rafferty was the next apple diver. He did not catch the apple. The only he did catch was a nail which protruded from the inside of the tub, and which ripped his lips open most artistically, ?-nd gave him a most beautiful lisp for the re,mainder of the even ing. It seemed as if the apple was to float on the surface of the water unconquered. But Muldoon wouldn't hear of it. He took off his gigantic coll!lr and his maroon necktie, with his dollar-and-a-half Koh-i-noor in it. Then he folded up his coat and vest and put them onto a chair. "What are ye going to do, 'l'erry?" asked his wife; "shure, ye are not going t o give us a ballet dance'!" "Be Heavens, I am Muldoon, the Man Fish!" declared he. "I can stay undher water for three hours. Bridget, direct the coterie to luk at me till I collar and elbow wid the apple." Muldoon took a long breath and dove down after the apple. He stood on tiptoe, and had his head and neck in the water. A most terrific gurgling and bubbling was heard. "He has a paroxysm cried Mrs. Muldoon. "I belave he has met wid a say-sarpent," soberly said Edwardo. How the--how the deuce could he 'I" earnestly asked De Vere. "My dear boy, there couldn't be a-a sea-serpent in a-a wash tub, you know." "Ye have a mathematical head," put in the alderman, "but ye are a little wrong Begorra many's the toime I've seen say-ser pints in me boots." Just then Muldoon appeared, red-faced, water-dripping, but with no apple clutched victoriously in his jaws. "I have a wurrud to say to this gang," he remarked, after calling for a towel. "What is it'!" queried several. "Ye cannot catch the apple except wid a harpoon." "Why?" "Some domned sucker put candle grease onto it!" "Ob. try again," said the alderman; "remember the ould proverb, Muldoon-'it's a wise birud that knows its own father.' Muldoon allowed himself to be cajoled into trying again. "I will either secure the cider-berry or strangulate," he said. Down went his head into the tub. The guests pressed around h i m to see what success he woufd have. Somebody-who it was is not known-gave Muldoon's foot an upward hoist. He was already bent double, and the touch was just sufficient to throw him off bis balance. Kerslop he went into the wash tub, upsetting it and rolling over with it onto the floor, spilling its watery contents all over himself. He was wet from head to foot when he got up "Luk at me new all-cotton pants," he cried, ;'that I purchased made to ordher from Cohen, the Irjsh tailor, for two dollars-club ticket. Spiled complately. U is walk around the rest av the night I will have to in red flannel drawers. 'l'ell me who upset me, and begorra, we will close the party with a wake!" Nobody knew--<>r, at least, they said they didn't-but it was reserved for Edwardo to whisper softly into his ear: "It was the how-legged blonde." "Who-monkey-man, De Vere?" "Yis." "Bedad, his doom is sealed!" tragjcally replied Muldoon. "I can't kill him inside av me house, because it wud violate the laws av hospitality; but just wait till he gets outside--I'll break his head wid a brick 'l'here is blood on the moon, Edwardo." Whether there was or not the rest of the party did not allow it to interfere with their games. "Here is a rale ould l!'ar-ddwn sport," exclaimed Mrs. Muldoon. "Ye fill your mouth ful av salt, run around the block widout spak ing to a sow!, and the fust man...;ye mate will be your husband, if you are a girrul, and the fust girrul ye mate will be your wife, if ye are a man." Now the alderman was crushing one of the Misses Gilhoolvs with his shape, and he wanted to make her believe that he was young very young-a veritable fledgling, who could hardly fly without the aid of a mother bird "I will run around the block he volunteered. "Ah, aldherman, ye' re too ould," jokingly said Edwardo. The alderman threw out his shoulders and pulled up his collar. I


THE IRISH RIVALS. "I will have ye to understand, Mr. Geoghegan, that I was only twenty-three last St. Patrick's Day," he statelily said. "I wur supernaturally aged by the climate whin I lived in Peru for three weeks. Mrs. Muldoon, if yer salt is ready, I am." Impressed by the alderman's dignity, Mrs. Muldoon produced the salt, and placed it into the alderman's spacious food-trap. 'Shure," whispered Te1 ry Rafferty "to Miss Fresh, "if the alder man iver goes traveling he will need no Saratoga. He can carry all his his mouth." The alderman not hearing the remark did not heed it, and started out upon his journey around the block. Having been told by Mrs. Muldoon to run, he did run. 'l'he sight of a respectable-looking old gentleman in full evening dress running at full speed naturally evoked considerable comment from the ever-present small boy. 11 "It's Rowell!" Hey, :Billy, here's O'Leary!" Go it, ol'd cock! Bet yer take the belt!" "'Got time to carry a trunk?" ''Where's yer corn-cob, yer bloody old duffer'!" Thus they yelled, but the alderman kept right on. At the corner of the street he was bumped into by a gentleman with a blue shirt, smashed high white hat, and a lovely black eye. Said gentleman was grossly intoxicated, and he was caroling forth to the evening winds that : "Zere wuz a sharming little widow, Who kept-hie-candy store, Where zer little shildren buy yer shewin'-gum--" He reached forth and grabbed the alderman. "Hold on!" he said. As the alderman was already held, it was not necessary for him to hold on. "Shay," asked the sweet singer, "have you got mushick in your shoul?" 'l'he alderinan made no reply. He couldn't very well, for the salt in his mouth prevented it. "Whazzer masher, you drunk?" queried Nie other. "Whazzer rest of zer shong? Zash wash I wantser know. Whaz is after little shildren buys zer shewin'-gum r The alderman nodded his head violently, and tried to get away. "You deaf 'n' dumb?" asked the other. A contrary nod of the alderman's head. Zen why don't you speak? Zis is-hie-not a funeral. Whaz is after shewing-gum in song?" The alderman went through a brief pantomime to intimate that he didn't know and didn't want to know. The blue-shirted and alcoholic-stimulated gentleman got on his dignity. Also on his muscle. "'Little birds whaz-hic-can't shing mush be made to shing," he tipsily said. "Old-hie-frauds whaz won't speak mush be made to speak." With which sapient declaration the gentleman promptly and ex pertly knocked the alderman over into the mud gutter, and tacked piratically up the street, looking for some individual who know the rest of the song. 'l'he poor alderman picked himself up. He wished that the man who first got a patent on All-Hallow E'en had never been born. But the salt was still in his mouth, and he had not met a female as yet. He persevered on. All at once a female form with a basket appeared, coming right out of Muldoon's house. Perhaps it was one of the Miss Gilhoolys, bashfully coming forth to co nfirm the truth of the superstition. He chuckled and rapidly ran toward her. At last he was by her side. Look a yeah, Mistah Aldahman," said she, in rebuking tones, "wha's de money fo' last week's wash'/ I'se ain't no hog, I'se ain't, but I can't chew air. The salt ran out of the alderman's mouth. This was the first female he had met, his colored washerwoman And to make matters worse, every window in Muldoon's boarding-house was full of grinning faces. "It is a put-up job!" he groaned. CHAPTER VIII. It is needless to say that the alderman realized the joke put up on him. At first he thought of getting mad, but the smiles and good na-ture of the party were too much for him, and he at last laughed at himself as heartily as anybody did. Mr. Reginald de Vere thought that it was a splendid joke. "Deuced dev'lish funny, you know," he said, to one of the Miss Gilhoolys; "colored female--aw-waiting to be wife of I wish image. What a wegular old 'l'urk your fwend is, Miss Gilhoolyweminds me forcibly of a-of a Indwian idol, you know." Edwardo heard the ill-timed joke. He hurried to the alderman. "Aldherman," said he, "ye are recaiving great compliments from the bow-legged blonde." "Fhat did he flatther?" "He said ye wur an Indian idol." 'l'he alderman tucked up his coat sleeves and pulled down his vest. "I will allow no dressmaker's sign to insult me wid impunity," he said. "I have patrician blood in me veins. Ye will carry a challenge for me to the tin-cint aristocrat for a duel at Tompkins Square to-morrow at nine." "Nonsense," laughed Edwardo. "I will tell you a better way than that to get square." "How?" "Listen-but ke .ep it dark!" and Edwardo whispered quite a long sentence into the alderman's ear. "How's that?" he asked, in conclusion. "Very primogenial," said his hearer; ''it is immense, Edwardo. Sure, afther we get through wiJ the Gussie we can stick him to a paper and sind him home on a plate." Edwardo whispered a few words to Miss Krouse, and then van ished for half anhour. At the end of this time, the guests who were up in the parlor were told that there was to be a new game downstairs in the kitchen. '.rhey flocked down. Standing in the middle of the apartment were two chairs cov ered with sheets. Between them was what appeared to be an ot toman. also loosely sheeted. Edwardo stood upon on side and Miss Krouse upon the other. "The game, said Edwardo, "is called 'Court.' Miss Krouse is the Queen av Beauty; I am the King av--" "Jackass," remarked Muldoon. "Av Elegance," continued Edwardo. "Will yez hearken to it," burst out Muldoon; "a tarrier wid a mouth loike a sewer, and ears yez kin skate on, the King av Ili gance Bedad, I must be Imperor av Greece. Edwardo, ye will be wanflng yez pictur in a fashion plate nixt." "Be aisy," responded Edwardo; "I want to go on wid the game." "Shure, the policeman wanted to go on wid ye last night, whin he found ye having the nightmare on Casey's cellar-door," grinned Muldoon, whose tongue was always going. But finally, after Mike Magee, the blacksmith, had threatened to carry Muldoon downstairs and Jock him up i the coal bin if he didn't shut up, Muldoon consented to be still for at least ten minutes. Then Edwardo explained that in order to carry n the game successfully a Prime :Minister of Decorum was wanted. "Bedad, I know the man," cried the alderman. "Mr. De Vere, troth, he combines the intellect av a goat wid the beauty av a toad fish. Allow me to escort yez to the funeral pyre, Mr. De Vere, ye Cintral Park charmer." Mr. De Vere allowed himself to be marched up. Muldoon grabbed one of his arms while the alderman took the other. "Ye must sit upon the throne between us," said Edwardo, who had seated himself upon one chair while Miss Krouse graced the second. "You flatter me, you know; do me pwoud, by Jove," simpered De Vere, glancing most killingly at Miss Krouse. "All ready." frowned Edwardo. "Toss the Zulu Mr. De Vere was pushed violently down upon the supposed ot toman. Greatly to Mr. De Vere's surprise, he experienced no resistance when he reached it. Instead, it gave way beneath him. 'rhere was a muffled yell, a splash, and only Mr. De Vere's nicely tipped patent leather boots were visible to the spectators. "Howly Heaven-what a collapse!" yelled Johanna, the cook. "Help-help-wnfiians bawled a frantic voice, which was rec ognized to be Mr. De Vere's. At the same time the sheet came off, disclosing a wash tub. "Help-help!" he repeated, and his dear little boots did a sort of air clog dance upq_n nothing. "Throw him a life-preserver!" advised Muldoon. "Fish it out wid a boat h.ook," said Terry Rafferty. "Let me get a magnet and see if I can attract it," proposed


18 THE IRISH RIVALS. Stuyvesant Riley, by a great brain effort, which scared liim into silence for the rest of the night. "Oh, rescue him pleaded Miss Krouse, her feminine heart feel ing for the poor dandy. "We have no loife boat," replied Muldoon, with a grin. "You are too cruel," said Miss Krouse; "if you don't take him out I will." That settled it. Edwardo and Muldoon pulled the hapless snob out of the wash tub. He was drenched from head to foot with molasses. There was molaeses on his head, a rms hands and b.ody-molasses dripping and dropping in all directions Sell him to a sugar house groaned the alderman. The secret was divulg e d. The wash tub had been half fill e d with molasses and tar. De Vere bad taken an unexpected and not particularl}l refreshing bath In it. At De Vere was mad in a feeble way, and wanted to "chas tise evewy vnlgaw bwute of a low !wish" in the room. Next he relapsed into tears and wanted to be sent. home. '.fhis last request was complied with, and, all grief and lasses, the poor fop rolled home in a cab all by himself. After his departure the festivities continued merrily. As Muldoon said, the next morning, when he got up to put a wet towel around his h ead : "Shure, it was just iligant: The two Doolan brothers went home paralyze d in a coac h, with their legs sticking out av the windy ; and Mr. Burns, the distiller, was shaking hands wid the ash barre l for an h our before be left. That very same day Muldoon got a letter. Not a plain U)issive such a!! are disgustingly apt to contain bills, but a fancy letter, wit:h a mo s t impo s ing monogram onto it. "I suspect it i s a Fifth avenue belle who is crushed on me win ning ways," groaned Muldoon. "Bedad, they ought to charge three cints extra for the monogram. I wondher what it is?" By hard study and gr eat facial gymnastics, Muldoon managed to make out the three l etters: "T. H. D "T. H. D.," he s oliloquized. "I wondber what they stand for?" "Terrible Hard Drinker, probably," sarc a s ti cally sai d Mrs. Muldoon. "Suc h are gen erally yer boon companion s D e ye know that Edwa rdo Geo g he ga n wasted siven dollars' worth of s yrup last night with his was h tub comicality?" "Bothe r me with no s y rup, loftily said Muldoon; "charge it to Edwardo's board bill. Do ye know what this lettber contains, Bridget?" "Is it a valentine?" "Divil a bit. Bridget, I am a made man. Ye may put a silver bell onto yer ram, and three more carrot s in t o the vege t able soup. T. H. D. stands for Tammany Hall Democracy." "What av it?" "Listen, ye culprit fay. It is an invitation asking me to deliver a political address at Shamroc k Hall in favor av the Hon. Patrick McMud for Congress. It is an orator I am, Bridget. Will yez plaze to lay out me circus crush hat, and me s e alskin socks wid me claw-hammer coat. I expict if I make a succe s sful speech I will be Chief of the Sparrow Police, at least, nixt spring." All that day Muldoon boa s t e d about his speech of the night. It was going to be the grandest effort of this century. At six o'clock be got a carriage, and, with Hippocrates Burns started forth for Shamrock Hall, which was away up in Harlem. Of cours e they bad to stop at several whisky mosques on the way uptown. One drink followed another, and Muldoon got to feeling tip-top. As for Hippocrates, he was easily affected, and be got maudlin. "Ab," said Muldoon as they rolled up Third avenue, "Levi O'Brien is running against McM.ud. I must give it to Levi. What do y e z think of Levi, Hippocrates?" Hippocrates lurched solemnly foiward, and mechanically re peated: "She was a-bic--maid of fair face Shurrounded by a-hic--nameless grace, A bud of-er--" "That will do, ye terrib l e e xampl e." interrupted Muldoon; "we will have no more av y e z motto-pape r poetry Faix I think I will paralyze Levi." On they rolled up 'l'hird avenue to Harlem. "We must be near Shamrock Hall," mu se d Muldoon, and he poked his bead out of the window of the carriage. Just a block above, a building was brilliantly lighted, fireworks were going off, and a brass band was pounding away at a great rate. "Here we are," be cried, and he ordered the driver to stop there. "That ain't--" began the driver. "Moind me," statelily checked Muldoon. "Hippocrates rejoined that young but not always appreciated poet. "We're at Shamrock Hall." "Kin-hic--lick it!" hazily said Hippocrates; "minds me of my -hic--last poem : 'Zer were lion's heads upon zer wall, An' carved deer in Locksl;r Hall.' "Yez are a liar!" deliberately said Muldoon "it is not Locksly Hall; it i.s Shamrock Hall, an' devil a lion's bead is there on the wall. As for the carved d eer, ye will find him in the dime restau rant." Ju11t then the carriage stopped. Muldoon got out. "Come along, Hippocrates," be said. But Hippocrates wouldn't. Hippocrates feebly said "Po'keepsie--ten, minutes for 'fresh men ts," and went to sleep on the floor of the carriage. "Keep an eye on the paralyzed lush, Mike," ordered Muldoon of the driver; "if be attempts to climb out of the windy lasso him wid the whip." Mike promised, and Muldoo went up to the door of the illu minated building. A dapper g entleman met him. "'Ab, general," he said, "we have been expecting you. All is ready upstairs for your address; tije audience are patiently waiting." ,, "Whisht !" complacently reflected Muldoon; "it is a general I am lilOW. B e dad, I will have me monogram put on every towel in me boarding-house." The dapper gentleman whose name was Slammers, conducted Muldoon upstairs into a tastily-decorated antl well-lighted ball. An anxious audience of about the toughest-looking men possible were waiting and amusing themselves by smoking and chewing to bacco. "What an ele gant gang for store breaking!" mentally exclaimed Muldoon. "I b e lave this is the commencement av the Isle de Black well graduating class. But tbey are a foine crowd for a dog match." Muldoon's entrance was the signal for various remarks by the audience, such as: "Luk at the galvanized Mick!" "It is a gorilla in full dress!" "There is a bog in bis breath "Stag the fly-specks on his teeth!" "'Shure, ye could slide down bill upon bis nose!" While one gentleman of musi cal tend e ncies sweetly warbled: "And we wash him wid a hose, Baby mine--baby mine.;, "It's only their geniality," whi s pered Mr. Slammers to Muldoon. "Geniality is a good word for it," loftily said Muldoon; "be gorra, if I had them down in my ward, I would knock some av the geniality out av them wid a club. I suppose whin they bit yez wid bricks, ye call it enthusiasm?" "Ob, no,'' objected Mr. Slammers; "just step upon the platform, general." Muldoon did. He assumed a graceful position so be thought. "Fbat an ilegant liquor store lithograph I wud make, tuk in this position," be murmured. "Faix, they would be putting Christmas greens around me." "Gentlemen," said Mr. Slammers, "allow me to introduce to you General McCorkey." "I am under an alibi; they do not want the gang to know me real name, Muldoon thought. "Well, niver moind, I wiH go for O'Brien, anyhow He gestured most splendidly. "'Luk at the jumping-jack called out somebody. "It goes by electricity,'' remarked somebody else. "Ob, give 1t a show!" begged a third speaker. "Go ahead, old clock-work!" Muldoon proceeded. "Gintlemen, said he, "we are upon the eve of a great political cr1s1s. Ivery eye in Amerik y is upon us This district is the most important wan in the city ; there wor more people died here last year than in any other. We nade a good, solid man to represint us in Congress. I nade not say that we do not want the wan whom a gang av political bummers and guttber politicians have nominated." "Hurrah yelled the audience. "He is," continued Muldoon, "a low, darty vagabond-a man who would sell bis ould mother for sausages for siven cints and a beer ticket." "Hurrah!" J


THE IRISH RIVALS. 19 "He is a rogue wid cross eyes "Hurrah!" "If he wor where he should be he wud be baking bread in the. penitentiary for honest men." "Hurrah!" "Gintlemen," went on Muldoon, working himself up into a high pitch of excitement, "ye know his is Levi O'Brien I al lude to." If a thunderbolt had strnck that me eting there could li.ot have been a more startled and surprised silence, for a second. '.rh<' whole audience arose as one man, after that second was over, and cried: "He's crazy!" "Chuck him out!" "Fire him out of the window!" "Break his jaw!" "Kill him!" "Held on," gasped Mr. Slammers, with a pale face, "there is some mistake. General, what ails you?" "I ain't a gineral roared Muldoon, "an' ye can all go to the divil." "Who are you?" "I'm Tere nce Muldoon, be Heavens! an' I am for McMud That was enough. Mr. Slammers just had time to say : "Why, you blanked jackass, this is an O'Brien meeting-we took you for one of our speakers," when the O'Brienites got hold of Mul doon. He fought bravely, but numbers conquered him, and the way he was bounced en grande out of that hall was electric. He got fired downstairs at the rate of a mile a minute. He strnck the sidewalk a nd bounced out into the friendly arms of Mike, the coachman. "Did ye spake?" asked Mike, with a groan. "Be Heaven, do ye suppose I wud luk loike a battle-field if I had kept silent?" groaned Muldoon. "Oh, it wur a barbecue they had wid me "I wur going to tell ye ye had struck the wrong place," said Mike "but ye wouldn't listen to it." "Where is the inebriated po'try machine?" queried Muldoon, changing the subject. "In a saloon," replied Mike, with a meaning smile. "Didn' t I tell ye to howld onto him?" "Yes; but he wur a leaning out av the windy, and he called a red headed girrul wid a hare lip his pretty Jane. Begorra, her father knocked him clane up through the coach roof, an' I tuk him over to Casey's to get his head tied up wid a towel." "I think I nade repairing myself," declared Muldoon; and, ac companied by the willing Mike, he went over to Casey's. Hippocrates was there, adorned with a towel turban, sitting upon a whisky barrel, and reciting the "Water Mill" to a stub-tailed dog who was watching him in paralyzed surprise. He stopped, howev er, to gaze upon Muldoon's mussed-up appearance. "Run over on elevated railroad?" he asked. "Whazzer-masher? Yer nice .. Jookin'-hic-pol'tishun. Make a-hie-better shign for -hie-hospital. Minds me of my poem: 'He was dirty and dusty, and-hie-mussed, And his-hie-nose was deshidedly bust, The members of the McMud committee, headed by the Hon. Patrick McMud himself, Mr. O'Grady, Senator O'Neal, Alderman Owen Haley and Superviso r Cornstarch received Muldoon warmly. Hippocrates was also introduced, and after generously offering to "put a head on any man in the room for two cents," relapsed into a chair and began to drivel. The Hon. Patrick MclHud himself was the first speaker. a habit of very violently, and perhaps inde'l'he unfortunate Hippocrates thought so, at least. "Wind it up fashter," he said "Shut up!" ordered Muldoon. "Whaz ish it?" queried Hippocrates, in pre tended surprise. 'Speck it's a m-m-m echanica l doll. Goesh on wires." "Will yez be iltill?" asked Muldoon, while the audience and the committee looked daggers. Hippocrates would not be still. H e had made up his mind that he was in a political circus; and if be couldn't play clown he didn't want to stay. "Shumping-Shack he bawl e d alluding to the Hon. Mr. McMud, "where's er-hie-string? L emme pull it," and he advanced with unsteady gait, and gripped the McMud coat-tails. Such an indignity could not be tolerated. There was a point where patience ceased to be a virtue, and Hippocrates had reached it. Two iltalwart committeemen grabbed him'. In a trice Hippocrates, struggling desperately, but without avail, was taken out of the hall Muldoon, to tell the truth, was not sorry to see him go. Arriving at the foot of the stairs, one of the Gommitteemen put Hippocrates' bat on, and bade him go to his home. Hippocrates would not. He careened down the avenue, muttering: "Home wash never like this. Ain't go in' go home. Get square on Muldoon. He 'Rulted me--didn't stand up for square, sure," and he tacked against a post, and stopped to glare upon the passers-by. Meanwhile McMud had finished his speech, retiring amid great applause, and it was Muldoon's turn. Mr. Haley introduced him, and Muldoon arose. "Ladies and jintlemen," Baid Muldoon, stepping forward, "it is wid feelings av grate gratification that I rise to get up to address ye upon this momeiltous occasion." CHAPTER IX. Hippocrates considered himself deeply injured, and he looked upon Muldoon as the cause of it all. "Hadn't been for Muldoon, wouldn't got-hie-tight; hadn't got -hie-tight, wooden went political meetin'; hadn't went political meetin' wooden got-hie-chucked out," he reasoned, as he un steadily btaced up against a hydrant. "Muldoon's no gentlemanhe's a brocky-faced ole galvanized Mick. Get square wiz him, shure's I'm a po-po-policeman. Hie-no-po-po-poet!" Jus t as Hippocrates finish ed his soliloquy and had narrowly es caped being tripped up by a hadrant, a Hibernian-faced gentleman came along. He had a high white hat on. However fashionable white high hats are during the summer, yet they are not usually considered the "Hippocrates. that will do," sternly said Muldoon "If yez kape proper racket in November. on wid yez tooth-powdher epics ye will make a murdherer out av At least Hippocrates, thought so. "Sh-shoot it," he hiccoughed, And his--'" me." "git er gun an,d-hic-kill it." "Yer got no po'try in ye r shoul," reproved Hippocrates, success-The Hibernian-faced gentleman properly construed these refully falling off his barrel, to the stub-tailed dog's evident delight. marks as personal to himself, and halted. "Man woz ain't got no po' try in his shoul is N. G.-no gentleman." "Take it off," continued Hippocrates, coming successfully out of "Will somebody plaze to cork up the gas-works?" requested Muia second encounter with the hydrant; "whazzer hat! worst I ever doon, and Hippocrates was promised, if he would only shut up, that saw. St-stab it." he could come around the next night and deliver poems for an The proprietor of the hat walked up to Hippocrates. hour. "Do ye know who I am, ye intoxicated communist?" he asked. Muldoon was fixed up all right by the genial Case y, and, after a "Don't wanter know; know yer no good, anyhow," socially refew "braces," started for Shamrock Hall. pli ed Hippocrates; "bust er ole hat; git er goat to step on He arrived there this time all rigl!t. "Me name is Michael Mulcahy, an' I am a slugger," promptly At first he was for leaving Hippocrates in the carriage, but Hip-said the other. "I will have n one av yer lager beer wit." pocrates wouldn't hear of it. "Yer name Mulcahy?" He was going to attend the McMud meeting, and be the biggest "It is." man in the room. "I know a Mulcahy." "Goin' to speak mys elf," he declared. "Goin' to shing." "Who is he?" "If ye do," said Muldoon "ye will be arrested for attempted "Oli> shon of a gun keeps a bedbug hotel right nex' door me. man-slaughter. Brace up, ye drunkard. Why don't ye put starch Feeds hi s boarders on rat-pie and-hie-boiled dog, and--" in your knees?" Whatever other delicacies Hippocrates was about to name as Hippocrates declared he was "or right," and could "walk mile in forming part of the Mulcahy menu will not be disclosed, for the five sheconds, sure." and at last, by Muldoon's assistance, succeeded white-hatted agent promptly knocked him down. in reaching the interior of the hall. "I am that Mulcahy," he said. "I belave yez are one av Mul-


20 THE IRISH RIVALS. doon's wild bastes. Faix, I saw an advertisement for a strayed jackass upon a fence, as I l,'assed by." "Muldoon's an ole snide," said Hippocrates, just catching the name ; "goin' ter get square wi' him-bust him-hic--up in bizness. '' Mulcahy was now all ears. He picked Hippocrates up as gently as if he were a baby, and escorted him to a beer garden. There he treated, and Hippocrates grew enthusiastic. "Musser Mulcahy," declared he, ''you're a gemmen-all 'cept white hat. You're sweet as a-hic--rose in June, 'neath Nature's -hic--silvery moon. Zat's po'try. I'm a-hic--poet. Muldoon's grossly 'suited me--fight him. By careful questioning and judicious beer Mulcahy succeeded in extract ing from him a full account of the p ro cee ding s of the even ing, Hippocrates winding up with his reiterated declaration to get square. "Zer ol e flannel-mouth," he said. "I'

THE IRISH RIVALS. 21 "Put dot hose down!" bawled a wheezy voice just then. "Who owns the whistle"!" pleasantly asked Muldoon, as he looked around to see where the voice came from. It was owned by a policeruan. It was a Dutch policeman about the size of a three cent pickle. But he had red whiskers, anrl big feet, and a big club, and he felt as big as a monument. Pud dot vater-bipe down ordered he again. Faix, I can't put it down. Me swallow is not aiquil to it," answered Muldoon. "I have not the anatomy av a boar-constrictor." I van ts no pack talk," the peeler; "you vas a nuisance. I vas too fresh, dot vas ed. You blocks up der street und makes a growd; vat for you do mit dot hose"!" "Shure, I wash me teeth." "Vhere you got it, hey"!" "In a prize package, ye compressed savage. "You dink you make von fool of me," roared the peppery copper. "You von't. You don't dinks I vas a Dutchman pecos I vas a fool. Shiminy Pismarck, you vas arrested." "Oh, what are ye giving me"!" Muldoon asked. "Take yerself off and arrest the sparrows for ating worms widout a license." But the peeler wouldn't. He saw it quite differently. He grabbed his club and advanced on Muldoon, while the gather ing crowd-anything gathers a crowd at any time of the day or night in New York--encouraged him by shouts of: "Go it, Pretzel!" "Collar him, Sourkraut "Give him six months, Sweitzer case and so on. "Viii you surrender myself peacefully?" asked he; "I vas a glubber." "Bedad, I vas a vater-vork," mimicked Muldoon, as he turned the hose full onto the doughty preserver of the public peace. He couldn't stand up against it, and down he went in an undigni fied way, while the fickle crowd jeered and guyed him just as they had encouraged him hut a few minutes previous. Suddenly Muldoon's water supply, though, came to a stop. Somebody had stopped the engine, and consequently there was no more force to the hose's stream. The Dutch copper staggered to his feet. He was not going to tackle Muldoon again single-handed, and he rapped for help. r vas got you now," he said. "You vill get ten years, you loafer. You vos consulted and addacked a bolicemao mit der dis charge mit his duty. I vos der man!" "Yer better cut it, Dublin. called out one of the crowd to Mul doon. "Go off somewhere and get dry." Muldoon took their advice. He dropped the hose and scudded around the corner, the friendly crowd h"Ustling and bustling the little policeman so that he could not follow, 'ending up by smashing his hat over his eyes and stealing his club. When Muldoon got around the corner he made pretty good time, but he could not see his carriage anywhere. Hey, boy!" he called to a red-headed urchin who stood near by, curiously surveyipg his watery attire, "did yez see a carriage around here?" ''Y-a-a-s," drawled the boy. "S-a-a-y, mister, who spit on yer?" "'Where is the carriage now"!'' asked Muldoon, disregarding the other's personal query. "Drove off." "Anybody in it?" "Y-a-a-s; reg'lar lush." "What sort av an inebriate was he"/" "Ah, he had a towel around his heal, an' no hat on ; he called the driver 'my pretty Jane,' and told him to go right home, for the other old Mick that he came with bad got afire, and they had drownded him putting him out." Muldoon gave a groan of despair. "It was that machine poet, Hippocrates," said he, "and he has driven home, leaving me in the middle of Harlem wid me clothes as soaked as if I had fallen into the river. Dom politics!" It wasn't a very nice predicament. Especially if the night blew up cold. In that case Muldoon stood a goou chance of being transforme d into a statue of ice. To add to his joyfulness, he had not five cents in his pocket. Hippocrates had borrowed his pocketbook to pay for a bququet, anc Hippocrates had entirely neglected to return it. >'l. '.rhe-refore there seemed a brilliant prospect that Muldoon wou d have to turn pedestrian and lap it down to his home. While he was indulging in these mournful reveries, somebody brushed up against him. "Get out of the way, ye ould bum!" said the somebody. "Stand right where everybody will have to walk over ye." "I luk like an oltld bum, do I?" repeated Muldoon, on his dignity. "Be Heavens, I bum ye in the eye, ye fresh canary!" "Well, I'll be blessed!" cried the somebody, starting back, "if it ain't his royal nibbs-our ould crank, Muldoon." "Edwardo Geoghegan!" exclaimed Muldoon. "Ye're roight," replied Edwardo, for it was the boarding-house masher. "vVhat are ye doing out here'/ Shure, I thought they were to raise ye for a banner at a political meeting." "Edwardo," solemnly said Muldoon, "there are things which had better be buried in oblivion. We will bury the p'olitical meeting. Lind me five cents to pay me fare down upon the elevated railroad au' I will deduct it from yer bash-bill." Edwardo did, and Muldoon went home. He found out that Hippocrates had arrived an hour previous, fuller than a tick, had smashed the hat-stand, broke the balusters, and insisted upon fighting everybody in t he house simultaneously. Finally be bad been carried off to bed by the alderman and Terry Rafferty, and pitched into his room, where he was peacefully slum bering on the floor with hit; head in the wash bowl, as Johanna had observed through the key-hole. "Ah. Hippocrates, ye Judas!" said Muldoon, as be moved up to bed "I will be aven wid ye. Slape on, ye poetical lush. Terence Muldoon nivir forgives!" He soon got a chance for revenge. Hippocrates came clown to the supper table a few nights after ward in an alarming state of full dress. "Are yez going to be baptized 'l" jocularly asked Muldoon. "No," Eimpered Hippocrates, "I am g'oing to take a lady outMiss Christabel." "Has it feathers?'' "Mr. Muldoon, I am alluding to a lady," said Hippocrates, warmly. Her name is Christabel O'Hara." ''.Faix, I tuk it for a birrud," laughed Muldoon. "That is a nice name for a young lady. Where are ye going to take her? To Madison Square, to sit on a bench and luk at the moon?" "To the thayater," answere d Hippocrates, "if I can wear me new. boots. They are awfully tight, but I stretched them, and they are up in my room now." "Ah!" remarked Muldoon, as a thoughtful look passed over bis face, and presently he excused himself from the table on some trivial plea, leaving Hippocrates dilating upon Miss O'Hara's per fections to the misanthrope alderman, who grunted assent at inter vals when he didn't have his mouth full of pot-pie. Muldoon first went to the kitchen. .Johanna was making pepper sauce, the chief ingredient of which, as you probably know, is green peppers-a most luscious fruit for a man with an iron-plated mouth. Muldoon cabbaged three. He then crept silently upstairs to Hippocrates' room with his booty. Hippocrates' boots were there. Nice, new, patent leather boots, which had doubtless cost the poet a week's salary. "Fhat a regular cologne-chewer Hippocrates is arriving at," Muldoon soliloquized; "wud ye luk at his fairy boots? I wondher he don't have red tassels on each side and a decalcomania on the tips." Lifting the boots, he cut the peppers, and squeezed the juice which issued from them into the articles of foot wear. "He will belave he is walking on red-hot coals," Muldoon grinned, as he distributed the pepper-juice so that its presence would hardly be noticeable in the boo.ts. Hardly had he done so before Hippocrates came up the stairs. Muldoon pretended to be busily at work poking the fire. "Divil take such a fire!" he exclaimed; "the last coal is all rocks, barring a few slates." "Ob, don't mind," said Hippocrates; "you know I'm going out." He sat down up9n a chair, and kicking his slippers off, he tarefully drew on one boot. I "It feels wet," he said, with a suspicious look at Muldoon. "It's the atmosphere," readily asserted that gentleman, mak

22. THE IRISH RIVALS He reached the house, and of course she was not ready. Therefore, as is usual in euch cases he took his seat on a very ornamental and very fragile chair, and tried to pass away the time by looking at the chamber of horrors comprised in the family pho tograph album. While doing so his foot began to smart a little. The exercise of walking had started the red pepper juice to work. "Must have a pin in me boot, refl ected Hippocrates. Just the n his other foot scratched. "Faith, I can't have two pins," said he; "I'll off wid me boots and investigate." But just as he was about to do so, there was a i;ustle of silk upon the stairs, accompanied by a feminine footfall. "Miss Uhristabel," llaid he and he abandoned his boot-taking-0ff idea, for it was assuredly not the proper society dodge to be caught in a parlor in his stocking feet. It was l\Ii ss Christabel. She beamed down sweet ly upon Hinpocrates, hoped she had not kept him waiting, and announced herself as a ll ready to depart to the theatre. As it was a most beautiful ni gh t, sh e proposed walking, and Hippocrates had to assent. A block's pedestrianizing got the red pepper juice working away finely. It was burning through Hippocrates' thin socks into the so l es of his feet like lunar caustic. "Ain't the moon elegant?" said Miss Christabel, .nestling on his arm. "Yis-yis," returned Hippocrates, twisting hi s face, "it's-it's-ele-d-n it!" ''What'!" gasped Mi ss Christab el. "I-I-said it was 1mperb," answered Hippocrates, standing upon one foot; "it w as most-wud ye moind taking a cab to the theatre?" "Why, it's only two blocks off. Just see the stars, Mr. Burns. B edad, I'm seeing stars and feeling comets now," groaned Hippocrates. "Miss Christabel, wu,d ye moind me sitting down upon a hydrant for a second to cool me brain. Shure, I belave I h ave fireworks in me feet." Miss Christabel did not hear the last part of the speech, and she looked surprised at Hippocrates' request. "Gentlemen that I am a cc u stomed to go with a re not used to stopping to sit on hydrants," s he repli ed, statelily. "N ayther do they fa le as if they were walking on grate fires," murmurnd Hippocrates. "I wud give a mill ion if I were wooden l e gged." Hippocrates' walk to the theatre was peculiar. It res emb l e d the stride of a turkey on a hot pan-cake griddle. Miss Christabel gazed at him in alarm. "What ails your-your leg s, Mr. Burns?" she asked, modestl y. "Nothing," gasped her escort. "But why do yo u so wobbly"!" "Faix, it's a ll t he style," desperately said Hippocrates. "They call it the B a ltim o r e glide. I was two weeks learning av it. H eave n b e b l essed, here is the theatre!" Going into the place of amusement, he, in h is suffering, com mitted all sorts of errors. He paid two dollars too much for his tickets, hired an umbrell a instead of an opera-glass, totally forgot to take off hi s hat when he entered the auditorium, and, as a last result, disco vered that he had got a seat for himself in front of the orchestra, while Miss Christabel was in the tenth row upstairs. Of cours e t his had to be righte d and by the time he had got seated, he had attracte d the op en derision of the whole audience, and '.r endered Miss Christabel's face about as hot as bis own feet. H e had all of the while nurtured a de lu sive idea that when -;;<>'I.' seated and off his pins, the excruciating burning would stop. It didn't. 'rbe red pepper juice was trying to beat the r ec ord. Up went the curtain, and. the young and lovely heroine was dis covered in the clutches of a very bad villain, armed with a v ery bad knife, and of a most murderotts and very bad appearance genera ll y. "Oh--oh emitted Miss Christabel; "will b e kill her?" "I hop e so," growl e d Hippocrates, who was in a frame of mind wi c k ed enough to take delight in seeing any one killed. "Howl y suffering Moses, I wish I wur l eg l ess Miss Christabel!" "What?" mapped the lady "Do ye perceive smoke"/" "No: why?" "Bedad, me feet are burning. "!\Ir. Burns," icily said Mis s Christabel, you are not a clown and this is not a circus. Please aliow me to see the play, and don't ask riddles." Poor Hippocrates was c rushed Yet be couldn't keep still. With two feet a lmost burning up, I ask how could be? He got his feet in bis bads, and tried to sit, upon them; be scratched t he soles of his boots desperately with a pen-knife; be bit his tongue and roll ed his eyes and contorted bis face until it looked like one of those ten-cent rubber ones you see for sale about Christmas. "Fbat it is the Lord knows," h e groaned. "I belave it is St. Anthony's fire wid a touch av the St. Vitus dance. Fhat a re ligious set av diseases I have Whorra-whorra I wud I bad ice soles!" His contortion act meanwhile had attr acted the attention of the audience sitting around him. "Drunk!" "Crazy!" "Going to have a fit!" "Jim-jams "Fixing for a conv ul sion "E'ly up his pants!" Such were a few of the comments uttered. Miss Christabel blush e d a r osy r ed, and glanced at h e r trick escort. He was insanely jamming bis feet into his hat to see if that would do any good. "Mr. Burns, are you insane?" she queried. "Yis "roared Hippocrates, not abl e to stand it any longer. "Be H eave ns, I'm a maniac, I'ro 1 :t, i'm n lunatic! Ghristn bel, if ye don't want m e to go off av 111e cinrre oomplately aud de molish the theatre, ye had l>etter come out wid me Scared and 1.ffrighted, Christabel obeyed. Hippocrates started to get out, squashed 1111 old Indy's bonnet over her brnd, stepped on at least six stove-pipes, tripped over n fat man and ren dered him speechless by an unpremeditated welt in the sto mach, finally reaching the door several lengths in advance of Mies Chris tabel, with somebody's else's cane and a bat which did not belong to him His first act when he got outside was to grab the ticket-taker's stool and deposit himself upon it. With a jerk he got one hoot off Miss Christabel gave a faint yell, and appealed to the ticket-taker. "Won't you r;et me a cab, sir?" pleaded she; "this-this man escorted me here, but now he has gone crazy. Mr. Burns, do you intend to walk home in your stocking feet"!" "In me bare feet, begob said Hippocrates as be yanked off bis sock, and tenderly looked at his foot, which was of the color of boil e d ham. "See here," eaid the gate-keeper, grabbing Hippocrates by the shoulder, "this ain't no place t o undress. Get out of here, yer idiot!" He was a more muscular man than the poet, and he literally bounced said poet into the street, where he arrived just in time to Miss Christ11bel drivi ng off in a cab. He was a unique sight, with one bare foot, and his boot and stoc king in his hand, and the street boys, who were on the tapis as usual, improved the opportunity. They joined hands and danced about Hippocrates, gayly chanting: "Billy-Billy Barelegs Runs through the town, One shoe off And the other shoe on till 0he was fairly wild, and in order to escape from their taunts, had to follow Miss Christabel's example and go home in a cab. "Did ye have a good toime"I" politely a ske d Muldoon, who was standing on the stoop smoking an evening pipe. Hippocrates gave him one l ook Misther Muldoon," said il.e, "did yez put any che mical preparation for the parboilin g of human fles h in me boots?" "Shure, do I luk lik e a parboil er?" indignntly said Muldoon "I didn't know ye had boots Hippocrates. It was walking on yez uppers ye wur last w eek." "All roight," tragically said Hippocrates, ''.but I shall ferret this out, Misther Muldoon. and there-there will be a murdhe r trial!" "Bedad;" laughed Muldoon, "it wur lu cky ye wur not home tin minutes ago, or there wur have been a murdher shure." "Why?" "There was a young fellow wid shouldhers lik e an ox around Juking for ye. He had a big club in bis grasp, an' he said ye had insulted av his sister!" With a tragic "Bah!" Hippocrates stalk e d upstairs. But Mnldoon's joke cost him dear. Miss Christabel utterly refuse d to speak to him or hea.r an ex planation. In vain be bombarded her house with notes; they were returned unopen ed, and at last her big brother swore he would break the poet's head if be didn't stop sending epistles. As Miss Christabel was rich, it was a sad blow to Hippocrates; for he had fondl y calculated u pon striking a mash on the fair demoise ll e a n d handling part of h e r daddy's ducats.


THE IRISH RIVALS. 23 It was a rich joke to Muldoon, though and he enjoyed it heartily, and went on a celebration of t\"rn day s, whi c h ended ignomini ously in n police court and five doll a r s fine. Presently, though, there was another j o ke played which he did not enjoy as much. Probably because it was on hims e lf. Winter was coming on, and the blustering winds and occasional snow squall11 warned people to get ready for Jac k Frost. "Bedad," said Muldoon, as he shinned down the street, "I must provide meself wid some overw e ai'. Faix, I think I can afford it. Mr. Fitz Murphy is out av hi s head "'. id brain f e ver, an' I will swear he got up in the noight and broke i'fiy:Y windy in the house in his delirium, and charge it to his board bill. He will niver know the difference, the poor sick loon naythe r will his wife, for she is away 'l'isiting her mother. I b e lav e afte r all it was an excess av joy which prostrated Fitz Murphy." So Muldoon bent his steps to where the sign of "Michael Gug genheimer Cohen, American 'l'ailor," stared all passers-by out of countenance. That night Muldoon appeared with a radiant face at the supper table. The alderman noticed it and commented on the fact. ".Ah-ha, Muldoon," said he, "ye look jocular. Is yez mother in-law about to kick, or has Mul cahy' s entire family caught the spotted f ever? I hear it is atmospheric now. "Nayther," replied Muldoon, as he carved the solitary chicken. "Miss Fresh, will ye have the ind that gets over the fence last, or the collar bone? Edwardo, will ye \Vras tle wid drumstick s ? Yis, alderma:ra, I am feeling compl a isant. I made a purc h ase to-day. Guess what it wur, !eddies and g entlemen." ".A stomach gump," said Edwanlo. ".A new tooth brush, I hope," remarked the nlderman; "the pnb lic wan ye suspe nded in the hall for gineral use is played out. Besides, I saw Mr. Rafferty blacking his shoes wid it last Saturday." ".A door mat," growle d Mike Mage e ; "it is tired I am of wiping me fate on the side of the house." "Oh!" gu s hed Miss Krouse, "I do hope it is a new piano. Mrs. McLeary says ours has the tune av a tin pan." "Mrs. McLeary is altogether too brand-new," replied Muldoon; "any woman who patches her husband's black doeskin pants wid red flannel s o that ivery toime he bends to sit down he luks as if he was a fire shud kape her mouth closed in regard to musical matthe rs. No, !eddies and gentlem e n, ye are too hypothetical in yez surmis e s ; I have purchased an ulcer." ".A what?" cried the boarders. "An ulcer ".Allow m e to ax, Mr. Muldoon," interrogated the alderman, rising. "if ye intind to turn this house into a medical college?" "Divil a bit." "The n what are ye speculating in ulcers for?" "I fail to s ee the connection between ulcers and medical col leg e s, ald erman," answered Muldoon; "indeed, ye have an ulcer yerself." .A l ight broke upon the politician's brain. "Do ye mane an ul s t e r loik e an over c oat?" aske d he. "As coorse. An ulster was what I said, only me accent was dif ferent. Arrah it's a darling." "How mu c h did it cost?" "Siven dollars, made ready-made. You should see it. Be Heavens! there is box-pleating all down the sides and a bustle, and the buttons are as big as saucers. Worra, but I will kill all the !eddies!" Naturally the gang desired to see the marvelous ulster. Muldoon produced it. It was a pumpkin and no discount. It was on e of those Cheap-John, loud-patterned affairs which look like part of a panorama, and generally blow to pieces in the first good wind. But you could not persuade Muldoon but that it was one of the best m os t mod e st, truly fashionable garments of its sort to be ob tained in N e w York. ".Anah. it is artistic; the rale lum-tum," he said, as he held it up for his board e rs to admire. "I wore it home from the tailor's, and a swell wid a glass in his eye raised his hat, and says he : 'Good evening, Mr. Rothschild !' He was all impat i e nce to wear it out upon the street in a prom enade, and break the hearts of the fair sex generally. Luckil y the next day was fair and cold and in the afternoon he was able to rarry out his plans. He was got up very yammy. Besilles the phenomenal ulster, he sported a glaring red necktie, a regular step-ladder collar, big watch-chain, gloves of a yellow tinge with green stripes, and a gold-headed cane, which was enough in itself to strike all hearts with envy. Thus equipped for conquest, he started out to paralyze Broadway, accompanied by Edwardo and Terry Rafferty. Reaching the great avenue of commerce and fashion, he walked two blocks with enormous success, attractini:about aa much notice as a circus procesion .At the third corner Edwardo stopped in front of a sample room. "Come in, Muldoon, and wet the ulster," said he. "Ye are too early yet. None av the girl are out walking now." He sashayed into the sample-room and ordered a trio of whisky sours, with great willingness and alacl'ity. And Muldoon did an encore upon hi11 original act, until the crowd began to feel jolly. Muldoon retired to the back part of the bar-room to speak to a friend whom he had just discovered, leavini:Edwardo and Terry together. The former excused himself for a moment. He darted out of the place, and darted back again, with great quickness. In his hand he held a brown paper parcel. ''What have ye there?" Terry queried. "Sausages," remarked Edwardo. "Are they cooked?" "Nary a cook." "Howly Heavens! ye don't mean to ate them raw?" "Shure, I don't mane to ate thim at all," laughed Edwardo. "I bought them to decorate Muldoon's ulster wid. 'Deed it needs orna mentation." So saying, he undid the brown paper parcel and reveJiled a string of raw sausages, got up in improved German style. "I bought thim at a Dutch butchery," Edwardo confessed. "Wait till ye see me attach thim to Muldoon. It's a nice daisy he will make for Broadway." Just then Muldoon moved over to the speaker. "Jist wan more drink, byes," said he, "thin w e will continue wid our ramble." It was taken. During its progress Terry entertained Muldoon with a most re markable song and dance, relative to a certain two-headed baby born to his cousin, Pat Slattery, while Edwardo carefully fixed the sausages to his ulster. Muldoon never tumbled. The only notice he took was to remark that the brace part of his ulster felt heavy, to which Edwardo hurriedly replied that all ulsters did so till they had been worn a while. "'Veil," asked Muldoon after he had heard the end of ficti tious two-h e aded baby, "are yez ready to mash the dames?" Edwardo and Terry assented, and Muldoon swaggered out into the s t r eet, followed by a roar of laughter from those in the sample room the cause of which he could not divine, and was too careless to investigate. Up Broadway he proceeded, the sausages pendant from his ulster and flapping behind. It was not long before he waij attracting universal attention from all of the various pedestrians who thronged the great thoroughfare "What an intelligint way to carry home his breakfast," said an Irish pipe layer. "Sa-ay, Billy, would yer look at ther meat-market?" asked a dirty-faced bootblack of his pal. "Ach Gott! it vos a valking advertisement of somebody's sau s ages,'' gasped a spectacled German. "Vot will be next in dis gread gountry?" "Solomon Moshes muttered hn old clothes peddler, "vat an ulstaire Sbacob Goliah, I sells dem for tree tolla mitout der sausage s." "Hoopee cried a delighted -Ohinaman. "Mellican man hab bee two tailee." Muldoon was, if anything, flattered by the universal comment excited by his appearance, but the remarks that he overheard puz zled him. "Faix, they laud me intinsely," he reflected; "but fhat have I to do wid mate-markets and sausages'/ Perhaps it is only metaphor ical, howev e r. I wondher is Edwardo and the Rafferty sculpture behind me?" He looked around behind him. N either of his two friends were in sight. They were skulking along upon the other side of the street, enjoying the Muldoon pageant. "Ah-ha, they have shook me!" he said; "well, I don't blame the m. The splendor av me appearance collapses their dress." And away went Muldoon with the rooted idea that he was as pretty as a picture from a fashion plate. Now dogs like sausages. There is a particular affinity between a dog and a sausage which is food for philosophical reflection. Not being a philosopher we will not reflect, but simply chronicle.


24 THE IRISH RIVALS. Attracted by the sausages which fell in graceful loops from Mul doon's dizzy garment, the dogs began (o collect from all parts and range behind Muldoon. Dogs came from all parts. Petted poodles tried to jump from their mistresses' arms; car riage dogs forsook their carriages, street curs came boldly forth and elbowed their richer companions in the struggl e for sausages, and jumped and fawned around the ulster till Muldoon's attention was attracted. "Be Heavens!" he exclaimed, as the dog of a blind man started to join the band, "even the dogs are mashed on me ulster. Bedad, it's so purty they want to ate it!" By this time a second crowd, composed of humans, was fol lowing Mu l doon. "He acts ii;i a variety show-those are bis trained dogs," said one. "Naw, it's a pedestrian dog-show," corrected a second. "The dogs recognize a relative in the sausages," smiled a third. But it was reserved for a big, burly policeman to cap the climax He wal ked up to Muldoon. Tapping him on the shoulder, be said: "Ye are arrested." "Arristed gasped Muldoon. "Yis. "What for?" The policeman tightened his grasp upon Muldoon's collar, and winked very sagaciously. "Ye don't know, do ye?" he asked. "No." "Well, then, I'll tell ye," replied the officer of the law. "Ye are arrested for dog-staling. Ye wore those sausages to entice dogs to yer den, when ye wud wait for a reward. It were a nate dodge, but I dropped onto ye. Come along, now, or I'll club the whole head off av ye!" CHAPTER XI. As soon as Muldoon was seized by the zealous policeman, a crowd gathered around. "What a dratted face," commented an old lady, peering at Muldoon's visage. "I calculate he's a murderer, "Kidnapper, mum,'l',1assured a butcher boy "Bank robber," drawled a swell. "Pkkpocket," said a burly truckman; "bet he stole the sausages out of a poor woman's pocket As for Muldoon, he was remonstrating with the officer. "Be Heavens! this is an indignity," declared he "Do ye know who I am?" "I belave ye are a Spanish brigand," answered his captor. "Come along, now. If ye block up the 8trate and co llect a crowd, it will be six months extra for impeding travel." "But me name is Muldoon." "I don't care if it is Brannigan." "I belong to 'l'ammany Hall." "Ye will get a year, then, shure. The judge went in on the op p o sition ticket." "But I have a great pull in the ward." "Divil a bit do I care if ye have a tug of war. I belave ye stole the sausage." "What sausage?" "Ah, ye innocent baby. Look at the rear av yer checlled nightgown." Muldoon twisted himself around and obtained a view of his uls ter, with the sausage attachment. "Bedad," exclaimed he, 'it was no wonder I was a magnet to draw dogs. It is1 a put-up job I never knew I was tailed with boloneys "I worked in a candy shop for six years, growled the policeman, "arid I can tell taffy by the smell. Come along, ye Prussian con script, or I'll feed ye wid club sauce." Muldoon was forced to go. Soon the prize ulster was before the sergeant's desk in a police station. It happened that the sergeant was a political friend of Mul doon's. '.rherefore, without stopping to hear the testimony, he instantly discharged Muldoon. "As for you, O'Riley." he said to the officer, "yez are too indis criminating. If you want to arrest somebody go out and slaughter an Italian; they've got no friends. Mr. Muldoon, will you come into me office and have a glass of wine?" The officer retired discomfited, and Muldoon, after a couple of fri endly potations, walked victoriously home. But he never found out who fastened the sausage to him. He asked Edwardo. but Edwardo had n o more i dea than the dead. He asked Terry Rafferty, but Terry protested that he bad neve r seen a sausage in a raw state. So Muldoon was for ced to put the sausage down with the Nathan murger, who struck Billy Patterson, and other kindr e d mysteries. "Perhaps," he sage l y said, "they wur concea l ed in me ulster, and the warmth av me body hatched them o ut!" But the boa r ders were not done with him yet. They gave bim L a second laegbable roast very soon afterward, which for fun eclipsed the sausage racket. Qne day an agent called upon Mrs. Mu l doon. He was a peddler

THE IRISH RIVALS. 25 string, and closed his eyes, expecting to feel the cool, refreshing spray dash over him. Queer to relate, the spray did not appear to come down, as cus tomary. Instead. it dropped in liquid chunks. Muldoon opened his eyes and looked around. He was covered with red daubs. Everything else around bim was spattered with red ink, and he himself had more than his He looked as though he had broken out most horridly with scarlet fever. "Mother av Moses!" he bawled, "it is raining blood! Bedad, I luk like a butcher's block He shut off the shower bath as soon as possible, and, tried to wipe himself off. It was hard work. In spite of his f'ndeavors, mcst of the ink stuck to him. "It was a mane, scurvy th rick," he said. "I belave the gang suspect I have. no more sensibility than a dummy. If they con tinue their cunning dexterity much longer, it is blow the house up I will be exploding the fire-damp in the cellar." Just then the boarders, who thought it was about time for Mul doon to have made a sort of involuntary inkstand of himself, ap peared. "Great Lord, boys!" exclaimed Mr. Fitz Murphy, who had got suddenly and deplorably well, "Muldoon has got the canker rash!" Spotted faver.!" declared the alderman. "Shave' his head and put him to bed." "I !Jav e not," roared Muldoon. "It was a dirthy thrick. I was taking me shower bath, whin the flood broke loos e and half drownded me ".A. shower bath is so invigorating!" "So nate and c lnn e "'It brings the rose out all over ye!" "I wouldn't miss it fo r a back yard full av trade dollars!" Thus sarcastically P.ipcd t h e gang, while poor Muldoon worked away for dear life with a cake of sapolio and a scrubbing brush to make himself a white man once He succeeded only partial!y. The boarders peered at him and told him he would make his for tune as a tattooed Greek, 01 as a sign for a hospital, or a pattern. for a pair of slippers, until he got wild and raced them bodily out of the bath-room. "Edwardo Geogh egan, ye .A. venue C cockatoo he said, "I am onto ye for t hi s iver since the noight whin I slept wid ye and ye woke me up by scmtchii;ig matches on me porous plaster. I sus pect ye of anything." Muldoon got a little even, though, upon his principal tormentors by lo cking them out one night in a driving storm of s l eet, :;tnd com pelling them to stay out in the street all night, whereby Hippo crates and Edwardo caught a most superior cold, which laid them up fo r a couple of weeks. He a l so managed to offend the female part of the house so that a sec ret session was held among the boarders, and it was resolved to punish him. A plot was con cocted by Miss.Krouse and Edwardo which was carefully carried through. Hy careful perusal of what follows you will see how the o ld thing worked. One day Muldoon was. out walking. He had on his great u lster, his gaudy gloves, his gold-h e aded came, a big cigar graced, hi;; mouth, and a dollar s eals kfo adorned his bead, and he was the Grand Kibosh to per fection. .A.s he was killing all Broadway he saw a young and beautiful blonde smilin g at him. Muldoon ventured on a wink. She coy l y responded. Muldoon got out a red pocket handkerchief and wiped t h e at mospher e off of his lips. She pulled out a dainty, lace-bordered handkerchief, and floated it over her shoulder. l\Iuld oon pulle d

2'6 THE IRISH RIVALS "Ah, ha! Charle y Ross and Stewart's body, how are ye?" asked M'uldoon, resolved to putra bold face on the matter. Disdaining reply, they stalked, so lemnly up to him. One of the m produced a measure of tape, the othe r a blank-book. The first pas sed the tape around Muldoon s chest. "Eight inches," he s a id, solemnly, while his mate r e corded the figure in his book. Next the tape was passed the l e ngth o f h is body. "Five feet nine said the measur e r. "Shall the coffin be mahogany or rosewood?" "Pine,'" sepulchrally answered the other. "Pine is good enough for terriers." "Is the r e any tombstone?" "No; we 'll bury the chromo in the cellar." Then the two presumable undertakers clasped each other around the waist. a daycent married m a n. Go Juk in a dairy, ye divil; p erhaps she is dishing out cracke r s and milk for the red necktie gang." "You lie!" roared the savage, and his war-club de s cend e d. So did Muldoon. He sprawled ov e r the floor in an entirely unpremeditated man ner. Then the India n gav e a barbaric yell, knocked over a chair for a flyer, jumped up and down half a dozen times, and disappeared. "I suppose a polar bear c omes next, reasoned Muldoon. "But I will not wait to see it. Eva can go to the devil-it is home I go." Accordingly he started for the door. But his retreat was cut off. Half a dozen of the most curious-looking conundrums he had ever seen appeared to che c k his exit. 1They were dressed in all imaginable lltyles and armed with all imaginable weapons. "Give it to him!" shouted a voice. "Let him have his Thanks-"Ting-ting-ting-ting, tra, la, la la, Gay! we sodder his coffin with tar!" giving!" they sang, as the y danced out of the room to a ghostly step. Muldoon look e d at them with bulged-out ey es "Be Heavens, they're making it pleasant for me!" gasped he. The door re-opened, and a pale-faced woman, with long, dishev e led hair, a crown of straw, a long night-robe, and a book in her hand, came in. Bedad, another beauty av the harem!" gasped Muldoon. The woman advanced to meet him. "Birdie--birdie," she said, tenderly, "Do I luk Joike a bird?" asked Muldoon. "Oh, yes; twitter-birdie--twitter." "Do ve want to die'!" "Ah," said the woman, in accents of scorn, "you have deceived me. You are a cow." "A calf would be more proper. Once more the woman looked disgusted. But a light brok e over what was vi s ible of her fa ce. "You are Douglass-Douglass-Douglass, tender and true. Come to my arms, me bonny love she yelled. Muldoon retreated. "Niver-niver he yelled. "Kape yer distance. B e gob I am virtuous if I am poor. I will never." "What, never!" "Hardl y ev--" '.l.' he woman's face assum e d a. demoniac expres sion. "Great Heaven!" shrieked she, "and now he giv e s me 'Pinafore.' Die--villain--die She threw herself violently upon him, and for next moment or so he did not know whether he was alive or dead. Finally with a for c e which denoted the po s se ss ion of remarkable muscle for a female, she hurled him fierc e ly away und fle d. OnC'e more Muldoon r esuscitate d hims e lf. "I'd like to live h e re for e v er." he "I bel a v e it is a private mad-house. I wondh e r what is next on the bill av fare?" He soon found out. There was a terrible yelling outRide in the ball, and presently a n e w figure entered. It was that of an Indian, de c ked out as b ecome s the traditional Indian, and carrying a warclub about as large as himself. "Shure, it's a cigar sign broke loose,'' remarked Muldoon. "I wondher will he make it pleasant for me? This mu s t be a muse um of curiosities inste ad av a mad-house." The India n advanced, and pointed at him wi t h his long forefinger. "I am RolJing Thunder!" cried the savage. "It is plazed I am to mate ye sur, politely r eturne d Muldoon. "The white dogs tre-emble at me appearance." "It would be a miracle if thPy didn't." "Me hands are red with the blood of the pal e fa c e s "Use sapolio ye sucker." "You mock me!" roared the Indi an, as h e lif te d his gi ga n t ic war-club lll high. "Where is my daughter'!" "I never kn e w her." "You did! Where is she?" "Perhaps ye had betther luk in the directhory." With one blow the stalwart warrior f elle d Muldoon to the floor "Perish, you son of a Yenghi!" shouted h e. "You took my daughter-my only one--my Minnehaha!" "I didn't. Her name wud have saved her, Muldoon protested. "Lave me alone. I came to call upon a young lady, and I struck a massacre "Where is my daughter? Give me back my daughter or I kill you!" declared the Indian, as he described circles with his weapon in the air. "I tell ye I don't know yer daughter,'' answered Muldoon "I am The next moment Muldoon was being bounced everywhere about the room, all of the crowd taking a hand in assaulting him. 'T : -. .l :t,.-CHAPTER XII. If ever a man was given what is vulgarly denoted as the "grand bounce," Muldoon got it-with all of the variations and trimmings imaginable. He was bounced clean down two pair of stairs, through a variety of halls out of the front door and down the stoop Striking on the hardest part of him his head, he rolled over the sidewalk and finally fetched up i:o the gutter, in close proximity to a cat which had been d ead for several days and was rather ripe. "Howly mother av Moses! h e groaned, as he lay perfectly still unable to move by r e ason of his surprise; "I wondher was anybody else sthruck wid paralysi!< at the same time?" Presently a policeman came along, swinging his club in defiance of regulation. "Here, you," h e howl e d to Muldoon "that a in't a lodging house. Change cars, old man. '' Muldoon got slowly up. "Am I all here "l" groaned he The officer took a careful surve y of hi s r emarkably mus s ed-up and banged-about-g e n e rally appearanc e. "Where did you com e from'!" h e he. "Out av that mad-hou se, r e pli e d Muldoon indi cating the building in which he h a d calle d t o s ee his Eva. "Fall off of the roof'!" "Di vii a bit; I cam e throug h the side of the house." "How?" "Ax me not, for I will nive r tell ye. I wint to call upon a y oung Jeddy, an' I wur brace d by iv e r ything from a she-lunati c to a nay gur Injun, who swore I had his darter. Thin, be H e aven, I wur attacked by a crowd from a massacre ball, and h e re I am. Faix, I'm going to an ould curiosity shop and ascertain me market value." "Are you speaking the truth?" asked the policeman. "Do I luk loike a man who would relate a dime novel?" indig nantly interrogated Muldoon. "Knoc k at the door and find out." The officer did. He rang the bell of the house, and it was res pond e d to by the same servant girl who had l e t Muldoon in. In response to inquiries she said that' she had n e ver se e n Mul doon. She did not know him from a buri e d Crusade r. He had never been in the house. It was a d e cent, respectable house, in habited by a widow lady. If the officer did not believe it he could come in and see. Finally, she hinted strongly that Muldoon was either drunk or crazy. The officer swerved to the same view. "Go home!" he roared at Muldoon; "you're intoxi cated. What do you mean by trying to give me taffy? Go alon g now!" "But--" protested Muldoon. "None of your 'buts.' Waltz, now, you lush, or I'll break your head and dance you around to the hospital. Climb!" Argument to a policeman, especially a New York policeman, armed with a club, generally results in one sure thing-a broken head. Therefore, Muldoon wisely decided to postpone the debate until some future and more favorable time, more especially as a crowd was gathering who were beginning to pronounce him drunk, and virtuously clamor for his arres t Taking a car, he slunk into the most obscure corner and rode home meditating upon his r e markable adventure, and wondering what in the world it all meant.


THE IRISH RIVALS. 27 The boarders at the suppe r t able that night se e med ususually good humored. ".Ah, Muldoon!" r emarke d the a lderm a n, a s he sipped his soup, "how did y e r call turn out?" "Im m ense a n s w e r e d Muldoon, resolved not to give his misfor-tune away. "Did y e mash ye z fairy 'I" "Dead." "Wur it pleasant for yez'I" querie d Edwardo, calmly eat ing his pie with a knife. "I niver enjoyed anything as muc h since I wur run o ver by a gravel train," groaned Muldoon. There was a grand outburst of m erriment from all around the table, except Muldoon, who could not just perc eive the caus e of the universal hilarity. "What a pretty picthure he made in the gutter," roared Ed wardo. "He and the cat wur dead gone on each other," murmured Stuy vesant Riley. "It wur a splendid landscape. I wud loike to have it framed," observed the alderman. "I wud put it up at Tim Donnelly's for a raffie." Muldoon'e face was a picture of surprise and consternation. How in the world had the gang ever got hold of his misad venture? "Gintlemen, explain yer remarks," he begged, with as much dig nity as he could summon up. "Twitter, birdie, twitter! said Stuyvesant Riley in the same tones as those used by the maniac whom Muldoon had met with. "Where is my daughter?" yelled Terry Rafferty, uttering a wild war-whoqp. "Shall his ceffin be pine?" asked Edwardo Geoghegan. "No; we'll bury the terrier in the cellar, replied Hippocrates Burns. ".And we'll make it pleasant for you!" chanted the boarders in unison. Muldoon's visage became a puzzler for a physiognomist. He seemed to see the whole racket in a second. ''It wur a put-up job," he gasped. "Ye wur all in it. .Av coorse I wur the sucker. Johanna, take the wash boiler and go out afther a sewer av beer-I wur sould again!" .Amid the general warmness of heart occasioned by the beer, Ed wardo related the mystery of M uldoon's "H eral:d personal" ad venture. "Eva" had been played by his sister-in-law; the rest of the characters by the boarders. Muldoon was forced to own that he had got the worst of it, and the rest of the evening was passed so festively that it took four to convey Hippocrates Burns to bed, after he futilely attempted to lick the hat stand in one desperate round. Now it would appear likely to any reasonable being that Mul doon had had enough fun to last him for several weeks. But he hadn't. The next day he was plunged head over heels into another ad venture, which, of course, resulted disastrously to himself. Determined to pass the afternoon in quietness, he had retired to the very top room in the house, pulled his chair up to the old fashioned, spacious firepla ce, and proceeded to read a wildly real istic novel, in which the usual brave Irish boy paralyzed the r e g ular amount of bloody Englishmen. Suddenly his interest was disturbed by a brick which came tumbling down the chimney, and landed at his feet. "The wind," he muttered. Down came a second brick. "More breeze," he said. A third bounced playfully down, and skinned his l eg. Muldoon closed his book. "Begorra this is getting too monotonou s remarked he, as he peered up the chimney. He peered just in time to get a last bric k on the top of his head. "Whorra!" cried he, "I will not stand this. I will reconnoiter to the top av me dwelling." Ascending the which led to the roof, he lifted the scuttle, and was soon upon the top of the house. 'l'here he discovered the cause of the shower of bricks. Young Patrick Mulcahy had gone upon the parental roof for the purpose of kite-flying. But as there was not any wind, and all his kite would do was to play tag with the neighboring telegraph wires, the sport soon grew to be tiresome. Young Patrick strayed over to the Muldoon roof, and was en countered by the Muldoon chimney. It occurred to young Patrick that it would be great fun to pitch bricks down said chimney. And he was just doing so when he was collared by Muldoon. ".Ah ye young Nihilist! i:rimly remarked Muldoon, "I have nabbe d ye in the act. Perhaps y e wud be afther p ee ling off m e tin. roof to play quoits wid nix t But I will che c k yer riotous career." wit h that he grabbed yoi,mg Patric k by the collar, and proc e e ded to warm his rear. Of course young Patrick kicked and fought like a wild young ass. Of course he scratched like a wild young bluejay. Presently the Mulcahy scuttle raised, and a new actor appeared< upon the scene. It ,';>as Mulcahy himself. "Oh, pop!" screeched young Patrick, "the old snoozer's killing me." Mulcahy strode forward. "Mr. Muldoon, a s ked he, "what are ye doing to me offspring?" "Thrying to break his liver!" replied Muldoon. "If I had such a boy I'd fan him wid a war-club till he couldn't stand." "Just drop him," ordered Mulcahy, "or I'll be afther fanning ye. What did the poor boy do'/" "Only a thrifie. Just thrying to throw me house down the chimney." "But ye had no business to touch him." "He had no business to touch me property." "Ye shud have tould me. I could have paid 'for yer ould chim ney wid a tin-cint piece. It were a nuisance to the whole nejgh borhood." "Faix, it were similar to yourself, then." Mulcahy's spirit could not brook the base insinuation. "Mr. Muldoon ye are a liar." he said. "Patrick, grip a brick, and ii ye see the Modoc getting the best aT yer father hit him on the head," and he jumped upun Muldoon. Possibly Muldoon could have licked him single-handed But Patric k proved a valuable auxiliary. By his aid Muldoon was secured. "Let's chuck him off of the roof, pop," suggested the piratical Patrick. "No." answered his father. "I have a more brilliant scheme. We will slide him down his own chimney." "Bully!" shouted Patrick, in delight, and the suggestion was carried out. Muldoon, unable to resist, was put head first into the chimney and pushed down. "Ye will murdher me!" he cried "No sich good luck," responded Mukah;r; "push his fate, Patrick." Patric k ob e yed. Muldoon's feet were pushed. '.ro such an extent that he soon disappeared from sight. '!.'hen Mulcahy pulled up his scuttle and retired triumphantly into his house, followed by the avenged Patrick. "Ye may dress the children up in their Sunday clothes, Nora," he remarked. "What for?" "In all probability there will be a funeral at Muldoon's to morrow, and they may want to stand on the stoop and see the cof fin come out." Meanwhile we will return to Muldoon. His progress down t4e chimney was not sociable or agreeable. The chimney was old and dirty; soot got into Muldoon's face, into his eyes, up his nose, down his neck, and paraded hi11 clothes. There was also a disagreeable smell of fried onions and ham and pork fat clustering around the chimney. Besides, he was going down head first whi c h, in itself, was enough to sicken a sensitive soul. He tried to right himself. But it was impossible. rl There was no room for him to turn around. The blood began to rush to his head, and for a while it seemed that Muldoon's fate might be decided then and there. It wasn't. !!'or he succeeded in lifting his head so that the blood did not all rush madly into it. Then it occurred to him that it would be a good scheme to al11.rm some of the inmates of his house, as he did not propose to figure as an ornament to a chimney for the rest of his days. '1'1.ierefore, he yelled at the top of his voice. The narrow limits of the chimne y reverberated the sounds, and gave them the accents of an animal roar. Now Mrs. Muldoon was scrubbing the top hall, like a good and faithful housewife, when she heard the voice of her imprisoned lord. She dropped her scrubbing brush and The noise was repeated. "Murdher-murdher she bawled; "there are burglars in the house." Edwardo, Hippocrates and the alderman, aided by l\Iiss Ktouse, responded to her appeal. '"Where?" chorused they.


28 THE IRISH RIVALS. Mrs. Muldoon didn't exactlv know, so they listened fot a repeti-tion of the roar. It soon came. "It is in the attic boudoir," said the aldermau. "We will in vesti1mte. Arm yourselves, b'ys. it may be vampires!'' 'l'hc alderman did not have the slightest s uspicion of "'hat a vam11ire was, but it soundctl bloodthirsty. and he used 1t. It had the anticipated effect of Bearing his allies. Edwardo Geoghegan produced a most murderous dirk-warranted cast-iron. Hippocrates produced his phenomenal gun, the gun we have spoken of before, which could shoot around corners and generally lay into the man who fir e d it. Miss Krouse fled to woman's weapons-the broom-while Mrs. Muldoon grasped her trusty scrubbing brush. As for the alderman, he got an ancient horse-pistol. If the horse-pistol didn't fall to pieces before he shot it off, there was a great probability that something or somebody would get hurt. Headed by Edwardo, the procession advanced upstairs. Muldoon was yelling his best. "Is it a common occurrence for robbers fo shriek?" asked the alderman. "Begorra, they're making noise enough for a 'Pina fore' troupe." "Never moind," assured Hippocrates, "we will investigate." The pageant reached the head of the stairs. Hippocrates was pointing his gnu in all directions. -It was an even question if he would not destroy the whole of his party before they had a chance to get at the supposable burglars. "For Heaven's sake, take his fire-arm away and give him a syringe begged Edwarc1o. "If ye point that gun in my direction again I will make yez ate it!" threatened the alderman. "Ow--ow !" bawled Miss Krouse, "he'll shoot me--I know he will!" "Make a little more noise." pleaded the alderman ; "purchase a gong, Edwardo, and bate it so as the robbers will know we intind to sm:prise them." 'Tain't my fault," assured Edwardo; "it is Hippocrates. I haven't a fire insurance poli c y on me loife, and I don't want to be slaughtered in cow Id blood." "Hippocrates," ordered the alderman, "put down that gun." "But I want to kill a robber," extenuated Hippocrates. "Put down the gun, ye assassin!" Hippocrates obeyed-for the moment. All the time Muldoon was keeping up his concert in the chim ney. He had wriggled and wormed and twisted about till at last he was firmly fixed between the four brick walls. He could move neither one way nor t:hc other, consequently his vocalization improved with time. 1 Presently the household brigade, headed by the alderman, en-tered the room. MU'ldoon's feet were just visible above the top of the fireplace dangling helpl es sly down. "There he is!" cried Mrs. Muldoon. "Stuck. be He11vens ejaculated Edwardo. "It is inter he wud by the chimney and massacre us all!" cried Miss Krouse. "Oh, Edwardo, kill him!" "Pull him down, first," practically suggested the alderman. "We will take him prisoner., Get hold av his l egs, Edwardo." "But he might shoot." "Wid his fate?" But Edwardo protested that he was not going to tackle those feet alone. Besides the possible danger, they were too large. The alderman scratched his head. He didn't want to undertake the job either. The feet might be vicious, and he might get his heaa knocked off. At last he got a happy thought. "Have a clothes-line handy1" he asked. Clothes lines were not lying around in profusion in the room, but Mrs. Muldoo,n could go downstairs and get one. She did. It was strong, and tlie adlerman, after the exercise of a .;ood deal of ingenuity and wariness, succeeded in placing a slip-knot around the feet. Next, all of the crowd grasped the rope. "Pull!" ordered the a lderman. "A sailor's wife a sailor's bride shou ld be, Ye ho my boys, ye ho!" gayly chanted Hippoc rates, as he exerted his entire muscular force -equalling that of a good-s iz ed sparrpw-upon the rope. "Be Heavens!" cried Muldoon from the chimney, "ain't yez con tint wid pulling me to pi eces wid the rope, without killing me wid Nancy Lee"/ "Hi> is a Spaniard, by his accent," said Miss K1:ouse. "Cuban, rather." said Hippocrates. "Arrah, they're the worst." said Mrs. l\Iuldoou. "It is cut ye they wud as quick as Ink at ye. Be careful." "Are yez going to lave me here nil noight?" asked Muldoon; "if ye are, plaze sind me up a harrel of soup and an auburn herring." "Seems to me I recognize the voice," said Edwardo. "Loike to Muldoon's," replied Miss Krouse. "It is ju&t as melodious--" "As a cross-cut saw foighting wid a rail," grinned the alderman. "Pull, ye Roman wrestlers!" They did. A long pull, and a strong pull, and a pull altogether, was successful. Down came Muldoon, a mass of soot, cinders and dirt generally. ThP. others dropped the rope, and flew back in consternation. Only Hippocrates had presence of mind enough to fire off his phenomenal gun. As it was not pointed at anything, it did not hit anything, and the only result was the downfall of Hippocrates, the gun being as good a kicker as an army mule. "That's it!" cried Muldoon; "blaze away at me wid l}-rtillery Bring a Gatling gun or a phonograph. Knock me down with a submarine torpedo!" "Yield, ye scound rel!" ordered Edwardo, waving his dirk" yield. ye incendiary, or I'll cut the lung out av ye!" "How Id on, Texas Jack," begged Muldoon ; "don't ye know me?" "No." "I am Muldoon." No ye ain't." "Then get me a towel till I cleanse me countenance." "I do belave it is Muldoon," said Miss Krouse, cautiously recon noite ring. Good for ye, ye giddy girl," joyously said Muldoon ; "ye may have two plates av soup hereafter every male." By diligent exertion he a.,ccomplished t h e feat of rubbing part of the soot off his face with his coat sleeve. His classic profile was revealed. "Muldoon cried they all. "No, I ain't!" sarcastically said Muldoon. "I' am Red-Headed Billy, the ro bber av the hilis, or P e te Blood, the Dublin assassin. I'm a highwayman, and I climb down chimneys t6 stale stoves, and yell to kape ye from knowing I am coming. Ye have foine, intelligent faces. aJI av ye." ''But, Terry, wud we iver expect ye wud climb down yer own chimney for recreation?" asked Mrs. Muldoon. "Oh. yes, av course I did it for fun," said Muldoon. and smoth ering his indignation as well as he could, he related how he came to be in the chimney. Unfortnt1ate Hippocrates laughed. "BPgob, it's very ludicrous, ain't it?" indignantly asked i\Inl doon, turning upon him; "ye had hetther write a comic song about it. Hippocrates, ye wud laugh at yer mother's funeral. 'l'ake that mountain howitzer av yours and put it away. If I ever lay me eyes on it again. I'll break it wid a trip-hammer!" Crestfallen Hippocrates retreated upstairs, where he placed his beloved gun ca1efu lly under his trunk, and sat down to compose a poem on "Retribution." As for Muldoon, he spent the rest of the day in blessing Mulc ahy. "There is murdher in me being." he confided to his wife, upon going to bed that night; "if some fine morning ye wake up and dis cover me gone to Aryzona, ye can premeditate that Mulcahy is a corpse, and I am a murdhe1er. There is blood in me being." After all, however, Muldoon did not kill Mulcahy, any one else, for other things came up to take off his attention, and the matter was soon forgotten. He had politics ancl various fads to think of, and the house had to be run, and so life went on just as before, but,if w e were to tell all that happened to the solid man, it would be another story, so here's good-by for the preserit, and good lu ck for all time to our honest friend, Ter!\n'Ce Muldoon. THE END. Read '"l'HE MULDOON GUARD; OR, THE SOLID MAN IN LINE," by Tom 'l'easer, which will be the next number ( 41) of "Snaps." SPECIAL NOTICE: All back numbers of this librarv are always in print. If you cannot obtain them from any newsdealer, send the price in money or postage stamps by mail to FRANK TOUSEY, PUBLISHER, 24 U ION SQUARE, NEW YORK, and you will receive the copies you order by return mail.


WORK AND WIN. AN INTERESTING WEEKLY FOR YOUNG AMERICA. 32 PAGES. COLORED COVERS. Price 5 cents. Issued every Friday. Every number will contain a well written story, detailing .the interesting, startling and humorous adventures of FRED FEAltNO'l', a bright, honest, independent sort of' chap, who has made up his mind to make his own way through life, and in doing so see everything to be seen, do all the good that can be done and have all the fun possible. Nothing will be allowed in these stories that can give off ense to the most refined minds, and we feel assured that the old as well as young will find both pleasure and profit in following the harmless adventures of this bright young man who always tries to do right, at. the same time using every effort .to keep on top. BEAD ONE AND YOU WILL BEAD THEM ALL. 1 Fred Fearnot ; or, Schooldays at Avon. 2 Fred Fearnot, Detective ; or, Balking a Desperate Game. 3 Fred F earnot's Daring Rescue; or, A H ero in Spite of Himself. 4 Fre d F earnot's Narrow Escape; or, The that Failed. 5 Fred Fearnot at Avon Again; or, His Se cond Term at School. 6 Fred Fearnot' s Pluck; or, His Rac e to Save a Life. 7 Fred Fearnot as an Actor; or, Fame Before the Footlights. 8 Fre d F earnot at Sea; or, A Chas e Across the O c ean. 9 Fre d Fearnot Out West; or, Adventures With the Cowboys. 10 Fre d F earnot's Great P e ril ; or, Running Down the Counter feiters. 11 Fred Fearnot' s Double Victory; or, Killing Two Birds with One Stone. 12 Fred F earnot's Game Finish; or, His Bicycle Race to Save a Million. 40 Fred Fearnot's Triumph; or, Winning His Cas e in Court. 4 1 Fred F earnot's Close Call; or, Punis hing a Treacherous Foe. 42 Fred Fearnot's Big Bluff; or, Working for a Good Cause. 43 Fred Fearnot's Ranche; or, Roughing it in Colorado. 44 Fred Fearnot's Speculation ; or, Outwitting the Land Sharks. 45 Fred Fearnot in the Clouds; or, Evelyn s Narrow Escape. 46 Fred Fearnot at Yale Again; or, T e aching the College Boyl New Tricks. 47 Fred Fearnot's Mettle; or, Hot Work Against Enemies. 48 Fred Fearnot in Wall Street; or, Making and Losing a Million. 4 9 Fred F earnot's Desperate Ride; or, A Dash to Save Evelyn. 50 Fred Fearnot's Great Mystery ; or, How Terry Proved His Courage. 51 Fred Fearnot's Betrayal; or, The Mean Work of a False Friend. 52 Fred Fearnot in the Klondike; or, Working the "Dark Horse" Claim. 13 Fred Fearnot's Great Run; or, An Engineer for a Week. 53 Fred Fearnot's Skate For Life; or, Winning the "Ice Flyers'" 14 Fred Fearnot' s Twenty Rounds; or, His Fight to Save His Pennant. Honor. 54 Fred F earnot's Rhal; or, Betrayed by a Female Enemy. 15 Fred Fearnot's Engine Company; or, Brave Work as a Fireman. 55 Fred Fearnot's Defiance; or, His Great Fight at Dedham Lake. 16 Fred F earnot's Good Work; or, Helping a Friend in Need. 56 Fred Fearnot's Big or, Running a County Fair. 17 Fred F earnot at College; or, Work and Fun_at Yale. 57 Fred Fearnot's Daring Deed; or, Saving Terry from the IM Fred Fearnot's Luck; or, Fighting an Unseen Foe. Lynchers. 19 Fred Fearnot's Defeat; or, A Fight Against Great Odds. 58 Fred Fearnot's Revenge; or, Defeating a Congressman. 20 Fred Fearnot's Own Show ; or, On the Road With a Conblna59 Fred Fearnot's Trap ; or, Catching the Train Robbers. tion. (JO Fred Fearnot at Harvard; or, Winning the Games for Yale. ()1 Fred Fearnot's Ruse; or, Turning Tramp to Save a li'ortune. 21 Fred F earnot in Chi cago ; or, The Abduction of Evelyn. 62 Fred Fearnot in Manila; or, Plotting to Catch Aguinaldo. 22 Fred Fearnot's Grit; or, Running Down a Desperate Thief. 1:13 Fred Fearnot and Oom Paul; or, Battling for the Boers. 23 Fre d F earnot's Camp; or, Hunting for Big Game. 64 Fred Fearnot in Johannesburg; or, The Terrible Ride to Kim24 FreBd Fearnot's B. B. Club; or, The, Nine that Was Never 65 in Kaffir-land; or( Hunting for the Lost Diamond. eaten. 66 li'red Fearnot's Lariat ; or, How He Caught His Man. 25 Fred Fearnot in Philadelphia; or, Solving the Schuylkill Mys67 Fred Fearnot's Wild West Show; or, The Biggest Thing on tery. Earth. 26 Fred F earnot's Famous Stroke., or, The Winning Crew of Avon. 68 Fred Fearnot's Great Tour; or, Managing an Opera Queen. G!) Fred Fearnot's Minstrels; or, Terry's Great Hit as an End 27 Fred Fearnot's Double; or, Unmasking a Dangerous Rival. Mqn. 28 Fred Fearnot in Boston; or, Downing the of Back Bay. 70 Fred Fearnot and the Duke; or, Baffiing a Fortune Hunter. H R T s d m_ f H N. 71 Fred Fearnot's Day; or, The Great Reunion at Avon. 29 Fred Fearnot s ome un; or, he econ .l.lOUr 0 is me. 72 Fre d Fearnot in the South; or, Out with Old Bill Bland. 30 Fre d F earnot' s Side Show; or, On the Road With a Circus. 73 Fred Fearnot's Museum; Or, Backing Knowledge with Fun. 31 Fred Fearnot in London; or, T erry Olcott in Danger. 74 Fred Fearnot's Athletic School; or, Making Brain and Brawn. 32 Fred Fearnot in Paris; or, Evelyn and the Frenchman. 75 Fred Fearnot Mystified; or, The Disappearanc e of Terry Olcott. 33 Fred Fearnot's Double Duel ; or, Bound to Show His Nerve. 76 and the Governor; or, Working Hard to Save a 34 Fred Fearnot in Cuba; or, Helping "Uncle Sam." 77 Fred Fearnot' s Mistake; or, Up Against His Match. 35 Fred Fearn.ot's Danger; or, Three Against One. 78 Fred Fearnot in Texas; or, Terry's Man from Abilene. 36 Fred Fearnot's Pledge; or, Lgyal to His Friends. 79 Fred Fearnot as a Sheritf; or, Breaking up a Desperate 37 Fre d F earnot's Flyers; or, The Bicycle League of Avon. Gang. 88 E'rnd Fearnot's Flying Trip; or, Around the World On Record 80 Fred Fearnot Baffled; or, Outwitted by a Woman. Time. 81 Fred Fearnot's Wit, and How It Saved His Life. 89 Fre d Fcarnot's Frolics; or, Having Fun With Friends and 82 Fred Fearnot's Great Prize; or, Working Hard to Win. Foes. 83 Fred Fearnot at Bay ; or, His Great Fight for Life. For sale by all newsdealers or will be sent to any address on receipt of price, 6 cents. Address 'FRANK TOUSEY, Publisher, 94 "CJ" Sq"U..are. "'Y'or:l..


SECRET SERVICE. OLD AND YOUNG KING BRADY, DETECTIVES. Who has not heard of "Old King Brady," the celebrated detective, who has unraveled more mysteries than any sleuth ever heard of? In the series of stories to be published in SECRET SERVICE, he will be assisted by a young man known as "Young King Brady," whose only aim m life is to excel "Old King Brady" in working up dangerous cases and running the criminals to>)earth. How well he does so will be fully explained in the following stories published in SECRET .SERVICE. PRICE 5 CENTS. 32 P*CES. Colored Covers. Issued Weekly. LATEST ISSUES. 45 12 The Bradys' Deep Game; or, Chasing the Society Crooke. 4.6 13 Hop Lee, the Chinese Slave Dealer; or, Old e.nd You11.g King Brady e.nd the Opium Fiends. H The Bradys in the Dark; or, The Hardest Case of All. 47 16 The Queen of Diamonds; or, The Two King Bradys' Tree.&ure Case. 4!! 16 The Brady11 on Top; or, The Great River Mystery. 49 17 The Missing Engineer; or, Old and Young King Brady and 50 The Lightning Express. 51 18 The Bradys' Fight For a. Life; or, A Mystery Hard to Sol'"6. 52 19 The Bradys' Best Case; or, Tracking the River Pirates. 63 10 The Foot in the Frog; or, Old and Young King Brady 11.nd 64 the Mystery of the Owl Train. 11 The Bradys' Hard Luck; or, Working Against Odds. 55 22 The Bradys Bamed; or, In Search of the Green Goods Men. 23 The Opium King; or, The Bradys' Great Chinatown CMe. 15i 24 The Bradys in Wall Street; or, A Plot to Steal a Million. 26 The Girl From Boston; or, Old and Young Kini Brady on ;;7 a Peculiar Case. 26 The Bradys and the Shoplifters; or, Hard Work on a Dry 53 Goods Case. 27 Zig Zag the Clown; or, The Bradys' Great Clrcul!I Trail. 59 28 The Bradys Out West; or, Winning a Hard Case. 6t 19 After the Kidnappers; or, The Bradys on a False Clue. Gl 30 Old and Young King Bradys' Battle; or, Boun,d to Win 62 Their Case. 1 68 The Bradys Double Net; 01', Catching the Keenest ot Criminals. The Man in the Steel Mask; or, The Bradys' Work fOT a Gree.t Fortune. The Bradys and the Black Trunk; or, Working a Silent Clew. Going It Blind; or, The Bradys' Good Luck. The Bra.dys Balked; or, Working up Queer Evidence. Against Big Odds; or, The Bradys' Great Stroke. The Bradys and the Forger; or, Tracing the N. G. Check. The Bradys' Trump Card; or, Winning a Case by Bluff. The Bradys and the Grave Robbers; or, Tracking th Cemetery Owls. The Bradys and the Missing Boy; or, The Mystery of School No. 6. The Bradys Behind the Scenee; or, The Great Theatrical Case. The Bradys and the Opium Dens; or, Trapping the Croon of Chinatown. The Bradys Down East; or, The Mystery of a Country Town. Working for the Treasury; or, The Bradys and the Bank Burglars. The Bradys' Fatal Clew; or, A DespemM! for Gold. Shadowing the Sharpers; or, The Bradys' $10,000 Deal The Bradys and the Firebug; or, Found in the Flames. The Bradys tn Texas; or, The Great Ranch Mystery. The Bradys on the Ocean; or, The Mystery of Stateroom No: 7 31 The BradYB Race Track .Job; or, Crooked Work Among Jockeys. 82 Found in the Bay; or, The Bradys o'n a Great MurdM Mystery. 6( The Bradys and the Office Boy; or, Working Up a Busineea 33 The Bradys in Chicago; or, Solving the Mystery of Ute Lake Front. 65 The Bradys in the Backwoodi!I ; or, The Mystery of the Hunters' Camp. 68 Ching .Foo, the Yellow Dwarf; or, The Bradys and the Op ium Smokers. 34 The Brad}'1!' Great Mistake; or, Shadowing the Wrong Man. 36 The Bradys and the Mail Mystery; or, Worklnr; for the Government. 6T The Bradys1 Still Hunt; or, The Case that was Won by Wa.iting 36 The Bradyt Down South; or, The Great Plantation 6!! Caught by the Camera; or, The Bradys and the Girl from Maine. tery. 69 37 The F{ouse in the Swamp; or, The Bradys' Keenest WOTk. 7n 38 The K'nock-<>ut-Drops Gang; or, the Bradys' Risky Venture. 39 The Bradys' Close Shave; or, Into the Jaws of Death. 71 40 The Bradys' Star Case; or, Working for Love and Glory. 72 41 The Bradys in 'Frisco; or, A Three Thousand Mlle Hunt. 73 42 The Bradys and the Express Thieves; or, Tnl.ctiag ia. H PackagE> Marked "Paid." 75 43 The Bradys' Hot Chase; or, After the Hon!le Stealera. 44 The Bradys' Great Wager; or, The Queen of Little Mont. 76 Carlo. The Brad}'1! in Kentucky; or, Tracking a Mountain Gang. The Ma.rked Bank Note; or, T ,he Bradys Below the Dead Line. The Bradys on Deck; or, The Mystery of the Private Yacht. 'l'he Bradys in a Trap; or, Worklnr; Against a Hard Gang. Over the Line; or, The Bradys' Chase Through Canada. The Bradys In Society: or, The Caae of Mr. Barlow. The Bradys in the Slums; or, Trapping the Crooks of the "Re d Light District." Found In the River; or, The Bradys and the Brooklyn Bridge M ystery. For Sale by All Cents p e r Copy, by or wu be Sent t.o Any Address on Receipt of Price, 5 FRANK rr'OUSEY, Publisher, 24 Union Square, Yorkr


llle d IVeekly-SV, 311.bacriptitm $'!.W per yenr. Ente red a.. &ccnr.d Cla.. Matter at tM .New York Pot by Frank Twuy. NEW YORK, JULY 6, 1900. Price 5 Cents. Clinging to a pank. Harry held girl w:ith one hand. Reaching over the string-piece, Old Xing Bra.d:y seized her arms, and. drew her up on the pier. She is dea.d : the policema.n.


The Bes t Week1y Published. "THREE CHUMS" A Weekly Story of the Adventures of Two Boys a 6 irl. These stories are written around the lives of two boys and a girl who are thrown together by fate, and form a compact t o stick by each other through thick and thin, and be in every c ase 'ALL FOR ONE AND ONE FOR ALL." It is 32 Pages in Size Has a Illuminated Cover, a n d Sells for 5 Cents 1 Three Chums at School; or, All for One and One for 17 Three Chums' Lark; or, Playing in the Backwoods. All. 2 Three Chums' Return; or, Back at School. 18 Three Chums' Ri sk; or, Playing for Texas Cowboys. 19 Three Chums' Scare; or, Dorothy's Wonderful 3 Three Chums at Football; or, Hot Times on the "Grid -20 Three Chums in Denver; Or, Pleasing the Westerners. iron." 21 Three Chums' Courage; or Playing in the Mines. Three Chums Defeated; or, Ben Bright's Unlucky Ac-22 Three Chums' Terrible Trip; or E:xplorin g Death eident. Valley. i Three Chums Aroused; Squaring Accounts with 23 Three Chums Robbed; or, Tracking the Stolen Grip. Seabright 24 Three Chums' Nerve; or, Playing at the Golde n Gate. 6 Three Chums' Triumph; or, Winning the Champion-25 Three Chums Captured; or, Dorothy Held for Ransom. ship. 26 Three Chums' Great "Find"; or, The Secret of the '1 Three Chums Accus ed; or, The Burning of Raymond Cliff Dwellers. Academy. 27 Three Chums Home Again; or, The Return to School. i Three Chums at Work; or, Getting Ready for the 28 Three Chums' Hard Fight ; or, The Draw with Sea Road. bright. 9 "Three Chum s'" Success; or, The First :J;>roduction of 29 Three Chums' Resolve; or, Bound to Have Some Sport: the Play. 30 Three Chums' Reputa t ion; or M a kin g Themselves 10 Three Chum s' Welcome; or Playing in Ben's Own Known. Town. 31 Three Chums' "Fun;" or, Bea t ing a "Swe ll He a d tu Three Chum s Foe; or, The Reappearance of McMaster. Nine. 12 Three Chum s Rivals; or, Almost the Same Play. 32 Three Chums Great Game; or, A L e ague Team "Shut 13 Three Chums Danger; or, Playing to the Moonshiners. Out." 14 Three Chums Despair; or, Lost in the Mammoth 33 Three Chums' Venture; or, Entering the League Cave. 34 Three Chums Great Task; or, The Tail-End Team. 15 Three Chums Great Race; or, Bound to be on Time. 35 Thre e Chums Su ccee d i n g ; or, U p w ard R o und by 16 Three Chums in Luck; or, Making Money Fast. Round. ASK YOUB NEWSDEALER FOB A COPY TOUSEY, Publisher, 24 X7::n.:i.<>::n. S q"U.a.:re,


TEN CENT HAND BOOKS.-Cont1uut:d from pagt: 2 of covt:r. THE STAGE. No. 41. THE BOYS OF NEW YORK END MEN'S JOKE BOOK.-Containing a gre a t variety of the latest jokes used by the most famous end men. No a m ateur minstrels i11 complete without thi11 wonderful little book No. 42. THE BOYS OF NEW YORK STUMP SPEAKER.Containing a varied assortment of 11tump 11peecbes, Negro, Dutch and Irish. Also end men's jokes. Ju11t the thing for home amusement a.rad amateur shows. No. 45. THE BOYS OF NEW YORK MINSTREL GUIDE AND JOKE BOOK-Something new and very instructive. Every boy should obtain this book, as it contains full instructions for or1anizinr an amateur min!trel troupe. No. 65. MULDOON'S JOKES.-Thi11 i11 one of the most oririnal joke books ever published, and i.t is brimful of wit and humor. It contains a large collection of songs, joke1, conundrums, etc., of Terrence l\Igldoon, the great wit, humorist, and practical joker of the day. Every boy who can enjoy a good substantial joke ilhould obtain a copy immediately. o. 79. HOW TO BEQOM:E AN A.CTOR.-Containing com plete instructions bow to make up for variou11 cbaracten on the 1tage; torether with the du tie of the Sta1re Manager, Prompter, Scenic Artist and Property Man. By 1. prominent 1'ta1e Manarer. HOUSEKEEPING. 1 No. 16. BOW TO KEEP A WINDOW GA.RDEN.-ontalnlng full Instructions for constructing a window garden either in town or country, .and the most approved methods for rai1ing beautiful Q.owere at home. The most complete book of the kind ever pub lished. No. 30. HOW TO COOK.-One of the most Instructive boob en cooking ner publi11hed. It contains recipes for cooking meats, Ash, game, and oysters ; also pies, puddings, cakes and all kinds of pastry, and a 1rand collection of recipes by one of our most popular ;:ooks. T o 3i. HOW TO KEEP HOUSE.-It contains information for everybody, boy1, zjrls, men and women; it will teuh you how to :nake almoat anytliing a.round the house, 1uch as parlor ornaments, brackets, cements, Aeolian harps, and bird lime for c&tching birds. ELECTRICAL. No. 46. HOW TO MAKEl AND USE ELECTRICITY.-A de1Crlption of the wonderful uses of electricity and electro ma1netism ; together with full instructions for m1.king Electric Toys, Batteries, tc. By George Trebel, A. M., 11. D. Containing over fifty il lustrations. No. 64. HOW TO MA.KE ELECTRICAL M.A.GHINES.-Containing full directions for making electrical machines, induction eoils.1,. dynamos, and manl. novel toys to be worked by electricity. By .K. A. R. Bennett. E ully illustrated. No. 67. HOW TO DO ELECTRICAL TRH.:KS.-Contalning 1. large collection o! instructive and highly a.mu1ing electrical tricks, terethet with illustrations. By A. Ande" rson. ENTERTAINMENT. No. 9. HOW TO BECOME A VENTIULOQUIST.-By Harry Kennedy. The 1ecret riven away. Every intelii1ent boy readin1r this book of inatructions, by a practical professor ( delichting multitudes every night with his wonderful imitations), can master the art, and create any amount of fun for bimself and friends. It i the rreatest book ever published, and there's millions l or fun) in it. i'o. 20. HOW TO ENTERTAIN AN EVENING PAl:tTY.-A TerY valuable little book just published. A complete compendium of game1, sports, card diver11ions, comic recreations, etc., auitable for parlor or drawing-room entertainment. It contain11 more tor the money than any book publis4ed. No. 31:>. HOW TO PLAY GAl\fES.-A. complete and useful little book, containing the rules and regulations of billiards, bacatelle, backgammon croquet, dominoes, etc. No. 36. HOW TO SOLVE CONUNDRUMS.-Containinr all the leading conundrums of the day, amusing riddles, curious catcht1 and witty sayings. No. 52 HOW TO PLAY CARDS.-A complete a nd handy little book, giving the rules and full directions for _playinc Euchre, Crib bage, Casino, Forty-Five, Rounce, Pedro Sancho, Draw Poker, .luctfon Pitch, All Fours, and many other popular games of cards. No. 66. HOW TO DO PUZZLES.-Containing over three hun dred interesting puzzles and conundrums, with key to same. A complete book Fully illustrated. By A.. Anderson. ETIQUETTE. No. 13 HOW TO DO IT; OR, BOOK OF ETLQUETTE.-It I a great life secret, and one that every young man desires to know all about. There's happiness in it. No. 33. HOW TO BEHA. VE1-0ontainlng the rules and etiquette of good society and the easiest and most approved methods of appearing to good advantage at parties, balls, the theatre, church, and in the drawing-room. SOCIETY. It No. 3. HOW '1'0 FLIRT.-Th11 arts and wiles of ftirtation all fully explained by thii; little boo k. B e sides the various method1 Ill ba.ndkerchief{ fan, glove, parasol, window. and hat flirtation, it coa tams a full 1st o f the lani:uage and sentiment of flowers, which fai to everybody, both old and young. You cannot be hap:>) without one No. 4. HOW TO DANCE is the title of a new and handsomo little book just is2ued by Frank Tousey. It contains full instru1;1tions in the art of dancing, etiquette in the ball-room and at partie11, how to dress, and full directions for callin1 off in all popular square dances. No. 5. HOW TO MAKE LOVE.-A complete guide to !on. court1hip 1.nd marriaae, 11ivini sensible advice, rule11 and etiquetu to be ob1erved, with m1.ny curiou11 and interting things not re ... erally known. No. 17. HOW TO DRESS.-Containinir full imitruction in tu art of dressing and appearing well at home 1.nd abroad, civing tl:tfl selections of color, material, and how to have them made up No. 18. HOW TO BEGOME BE.A.UTIFUL.-One of th1 briirhte11t and mo1t valuable little boob ever riven to tht worlcl. Everybody wishes to. ltn?w how to become beautiful, both male anj female. The secret is simple, and almo11t cOBtl-. Rd tbi1 boo and be convinced how to become beautiful. &IROS. AND ANIMALS. No. 7. HOW TO KEEP BIRDS.-Hand1omely illuatrated, all lcontainin1 full in1truction1 for the mana1ement and traini ef tlat cnary, mockinibird, bobolint_ blackbird, paroquet, parrot tc.' No. 39. HOW TO R.USE u0U1', POULTRY, PIGEON8 AND RABBITS.-A u11eful aad instructive book. Handsomely ed. By Ira Drotraw. Ne. 4'0. HOW TO lfAK:El AND t!BT TRAPS.-Including hintl on how to catch moles, wMatla, tter, rat1, 1quirrels and bird1. Alao how to cure 1kin1. lllu1trated. By. J. Harrin1to Keene. No. 50. HOW TO STUFF BIRDS AND ANIMAL8.-A valuable book, givin1 instructions in collecting, preparing, mountin and preserving birdil, animtls and inaects. No. 54. HOW TO KEEP .A.ND J.f.A.NAGEl PETS.-Givinc coID plete information as to the manner and method of rai1ia1. ll::Mpin1 taming, breeding, and mana1ing all kinds of pets; alao 1ivin1 full instructions for making ca&ts, ate. Fully explained by tweuty-elrbt illustrationa, makinr it the most complete book of tJae tlnd eve published. MISCELLANEOUS. No. 8. HOW TO BEGOME A '""'-ul and 1 .. structive book, iiving a complete tnatise on chemistd""; &!10 H periments in acoustics, mechanics, ma.thematic, chemi1try, and cU rections for making fireworks, colored fires, and gas b1.lloon11. Tblt book cannot be equaled. No. 14. HOW TO M:AKE CANDY.-A complete hand-book !et making all kinds of candy,.1, ice-cream;.. eyrups, t11ences, etc., etc. No. 15. HOW TO RivH.-This wonderful book pr aents you with the example and life experience of aome of the moa noted and wealthy men in the world, includin1 the 1elf-made of our country. The book is edited by one of the moet succsful men of the present age, whose own example i1 In itself tuide enougll for thoee who aapire to tame and money. The book will gin yo& the seeret. -1 No. 19. FRANK TOUSEY'S UNITED t!T.A.TES DI!!!T.A.NCB TABLES, POOKET .A.ND GUIDE.-Givinr the otllcial distances on all the railroads o! the Onited l1!atH an4 Canada. .A.lee table of di1tance1 by w ater to foreign pe rt, hack fares in the principal cities, report o! the cen1u1, etc., etc., aa1'in1 it one o! the most complete and hand)' boob published. No. HOW TO BECOME YOUR OWN DOCTOR.-A won derful book, containing useful 1.nd practical information In thl treatment ordinary dis e a1es and ailment common to everf family. .A.bounding in u1eful and e!IectiTe recip !or 1eneral com plaints. No. THE BOYS OF NEW YORI( END MEN'S JOK BOOK.-Containing a 1reat variety of the latest jokes used by the most famous end lnen. No am1.teur min1trels i11 eomplete without this wonderful little book. No. 115. HOW TO COLLECT STAMPS AND COINS.-Cou tain_ ing valuable information regardin1 the collecting a nd arranrlnt of stamps and coins. Handsomely illuatrated. No. 58. HOW TO BE A DETEC'.r!VE.-By Old King Bra.d7, the world-known detective. In which he laya down some valuable and sensible rules for beginners, and also relates 1ome adventure and experiences of well-known detectives. No. 60 HOW TO BECOME A PHOTOGRAPRER.-Contalu Ing useful information regarding the Camera and how to work it; also how to make Photographic Magic Lantern Slides and other Transparencies. Handsomely illustrated. By Captain W. De W. Abney. DECLAMATION. No. 62. HOW TO BECOME A WEST POINT MILITARY No. 27. HOW TO RECITE AND BOOK OF RECITATIONS. CADET.-Containing full explanations how to i:ain admittance, --Containing the most popular selections in use, comprising Dutch course of Study, Examinations, Duties, of Officers, Pod C!alect, French dialect, Yankee and Irish dialect pieces, together Guard, Police Regulations, Fire Dep 1ntment, and all a boy sboul with many standard readings. know to be a Cadet. Compiled and written by Lu Senarenl, No. 31. HOW TO BECOME A SPEAKER.-Contaln!ng four-Author of "How to Become a Naval Cadet." teen illustrations, giving the dilferent position11 requisite to become No. 63. HOW TO BECOME A NAVAL fa a good speaker, reader and elocutionist Also containing gems from 11tructions of how to rain a dmission t o the Annapolis Naval all the popular authors of prose and poetry, arranred in the m ost Academy. Also containing the course of ln11tru ction, descriptioul II11ple and concise manner possible. of grounds and buildings, historica l e ketch, a nd eve rything a boJI No. 49. HOW TO DEBATE.-Givlng rules for conducting de should know to become an officer in the United States Nav_y. Co111 ates, outlines for debates, questi ons for d iscussion, and the best piled and written by Lu Sen a rens autho r o f "Ho w to Becom e I 1DurcH !or procuring information on the questions given. West Point Military Cade t :" FR.ICE 10 CENTS EACH OR s FOR es CENTS. Address, FRANK TOUSEY, Publisher, 24 Union Square, New YorlL


A LAUGH IN EVERY CHAPTER ''SN .A.PS'' A Comic Weekly of Comic Stories by Comic Authors. The Only Weekly Series of Funny Stories Published in the World. "SNAPS" will be issued weekly and will contain the cream of humorous stories, written by such well known writers of Comic Stories as PETER PAD, TOM TEASER, SAM SMILEY, and others. Every number will consist of 32 large pages, printed in clear, bold type, and will be inclosed in a hand s ome illuminated cover. Each story will be complete in itself, and will be filled with funny incidents and situations from beginning to end. If you en joy a good laugh you should certainly place you order with yqur newsdealer for a copy of "SNAPS" every week. 1 Tommy Bounce, the Family Mischief, by Peter Pad 21 Billy Bakkus, the Boy With the Big Mouth, 2 Tommy Bounce At School; or, The Family Mischief At by Com. Ah-Look Work and Play, by Peter Pad 22 Shorty in Luck, by Peter Pad 3 Two Dandies of New York; or, The Funny Side of 23 The Two Shortys; or, Playing in Great Luck, Everything, by Tom Teaser by. Peter Pad 4 Shorty; or, Kicked Into Good Luck, by Peter Pad 24 Bob Short; or, One of Our Boys,. by Sam Smiley 5 Shorty on the Stage; or, Having all Sorts of Luck, 21' Tommy Bounce, Jr.; or, A Chip of the Old Block, by Peter Pad by Peter Pad 6 Cheeky Jim, the Boy From Chicago; or, Nothing Too 26 The Best of the Lot; or, Going His Father One Better, Good for Him, by Sam Smiley by Peter Pad 7 Skinny, the Tin Peddler, by Tom Teaser 27 London Bob; or, An English Boy in America, 8 Skinny on the Road; or, Working ror Fun and Trade, by Tom Teaser by Tom Teaser 28 Nimble Nip, the Imp of the School, by Tom Teaser 9 Tom, Dick and Dave; or, Schooldays in New York, 2\J Two Imps; or, Fun in Solirl. Chunks, by Tom Teaser by Peter Pad 30 Joseph Jump and His Old Blind Nag, by Peter Pad 10 Mulligan's Boy, by Tom Teaser 31 Sam Spry, the New York Drummer; or, Business Be-ll Little Mike Mulligan; or, The Troubles of Two Runa-fore Pleasure, by Peter Pad ways, by Tom Teaser 33 Spry and Spot; or, The Hustling Drummer and the 12 Touchemup Academy; or, Boys Who Would Be Boys, Cheeky Coon, by Peter Pad by Sam Smiley 33 Three Jacks; or, The Wanderings of a Waif, 13 Muldoon, the Solid Man, by Tom Teaser by Tom Teaser 14 The Troubles of Terrence Muldoon, by Tom Tease.r 34 Tumbling Tim; or, Traveling with a Circus by Peter Pad 15 Dick Quack, the Doctor's Boy; or, A Hard Pill to 35 Tim the Boy Clown; or, Fun with an Old Fashioned Swallow, by Tom Teaser Circus, by Peter Pad 16 One of the Boys of New York; or, The Adventures of 36 Sassy Sam; or, A Bootblack's Voyage Around the Tommy Bounce, by Peter Pad World. by Commodore Ah-Look 17 Young Bounce in Business; or, Getting to Work for 37 The Deacon's Son; or, The Imp of the Village, Fair, by Peter Pad by Tom Teaser 18 The Mulcahey Twins, by Tom Teaser 38 Old Grime's Boy or, Jimmy and His Funny Chums, 19 Corkey; or, The Tricks and Travels of a Supe, by Tom Teaser by Tom Teaser 39 Muldoon's Boaruing House, by Tom Teaser 20 Out With a Star; or, Fun Before and Behind the 40 The Irish Rivals; or, Muldoon and His Hungry BoardScenes, by Tom Teaser ers, by Tom Teaser "SNAPS" is for sale by all newsdealers or w ill be sent t o any address o n rec e ipt of price, 5 cents per copy. i n money or postage stamps. Address FRANK .TOUSEY, Publisher, 24 Union Square, New York. THIS GIVES YOU FAIR WARNING! That all the Numbers of the Best Weeklies Published are always in print and can be obtaintid from this office direct, if you cannot procure them from any newsdealer. Cut out and. fill in the fellowing Order Blank and send it to us with the price of the books you want and we will send them to you by return mail. Postage Stamps taken the sam e as money. ............. .. .. .... ............................................................ ]'HANK TOUSEY, Publish e r, 24 Union Square, New York. ........................ 1900 DE.AR Sm-Enclosed find .... cents for which please send me: copies of 'VORI( AND \VIN Nos ..................................... -........... --..... -----. TifREE CHUMS .................................... -..... -... --..... --.. -... -. PL 1 T O K AND LUCI( .................................. -. -. -...... -... -...... --...... SECRET SERVICE ................................................................ SNAPS ........... ...................... --..... -. -.. -... -.... -" Ten Cent Hand Book s Name .................. .................................... ..................... Stree t ::tnn No ......................................... Town .......................................... ...... State ............................................


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