The Best Irish jokes

The Best Irish jokes

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The Best Irish jokes
Wood, Clement ( Editor )
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Haldeman-Julius Co.
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Irish wit and humor ( lcsh )


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Published 14 May 1926; copies deposited at Library of Congress 1 June 1926; copyright renewed 25 May 1953. Cover title of first printing: The best humorous Irish stories / Edited by Clement Wood.

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University Of South Florida
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University Of South Florida
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All applicable rights reserved by the source institution and holding location.
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028545420 ( ALEPH )
11009018 ( OCLC )
I15-00023 ( USFLDC DOI )
i15.23 ( USFLDC Handle )

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Irish Studies

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LITTLE SLUE BOOK NO. 1013 Edited b y E. Jfalde m an-Jullus The Best Irish Jokes Selected by Clement Wood


LIITLE BLU'E BOOK NO. 10 13 Edited by E Haldeman-Julius The Best Irish Jokes Selected by Clement Wood HALDEMAN-JULIUS COMPANY GIRARD, KANSAS


Copyright Haldeman-Julius Company PRIN'l'JllD JN Tlilli1 UJ:iltlllD ST .LTlilS OJ' il!ERIC.l


FOREWORD The stage Irishman is one of the dearest fig ures upon the American stage. He is some times a rogue, but never a fool; a native shrewdness always saves him at the right time. The "Patand-Mike" jokes would fill many volumes; we can give here only the best of them; and other pleasant instances of Irish wit and humor. It must be remembered that Pat and Mike are Irish, but there are other Irishmen who are not merely Pat and Mike: many of England's greatest literary lights, especially the wits, were Irish; the Gaelic re vival includes such distinguished writers as Synge, Lady Gregory, Lord Dunsany, Colum, Yeats, A E., and many more. The world's roll of heroism, especially of bellicose heroism, con tains many Irish names. None are more loved, however, than those of Pat and Mike,


THE BEST IRISH JOKES DIVINE VELOCITY Pat and MikEl\ were working on the tenth story of a buildihg in course of construction, when Mike slipped over the edge, and started downward toward the ground far below. "Don't worry, Mike,'' Pat shouted after him. "God is with you." "Begorra,' if he is," Mike yelled up, "he's goin' some!" WE BELIEVE IT One day, when Pat and Mike were working on an excavation for the subway, Mike's feet slipped, and in he fell, a matter of some twenty 1eet. Pal, trembling, stared over the edge into the muck below. "Air ye dead, Mike?" "Sure," it was a groan, "I'm kilt entirely." "Air ye really dead?" Another groan. "Maybe I ain't quite dead, Pat; but I'm knocked spachless." BANG! Mike and Pat went hunting. A big bird flev,: up in front of them, perched on a tree, and stared disdainfully down. Pat drew a bead,


6 THE BEST IRISH JOKES when Mike shouted out: "Don't shoot yit, Pat -the gun ain't loaded! Can t help it, Mike-the bird won't wait!" I OCTOBER FIRST Pat and Mike, on their first visit to the city, took a room in a small hotel. They went to sleep; and Pat awoke in the dark, to hear Mike calling to him from the window, in awed tones: "Come here quick, ye spalpeen "It ain't mornin' yit, Mike; faith, an' what's eatin' ye?" Mike was gazing in astounded fascination at a huge fire truck, emitting sparks as it went careening down the dark streets. "Hurry up, Pat-they're movin' hell, an' two installments is gone by already!" THEY GAVE UP Pat and Mike, in their hotel room, were plagued by mosquitoes. As many as they killed, so many more came through the open window. At last Pat figured out a way ta circumvent the pests; and, at his suggestion, both Irishmen stuck their heads under the sheets. Suddenly Mike threw the sheets back, with a air. "What's the matter, ye ljjit?" Mike pointed to a lightning bug that had flown into the room "It's no use, Pat. Them danged mosquitoes is come after us wid Ian terns."


flilll Blil8T IRISH JOKES I COUSIN TERENCE Pat' s cousin Terence came over from the Ould Counthry, was met at the pier by Pat, and was taken out to Pat's shack in the country. They went for a walk, the first good Sunday afternoon, and strolled down a railroad track. As they were midway of a sharp cut, a freight train came puffing down the track, its whistle shrieking out warning. Pat jumped off the tracis, a:nd started scram bling up the steep sides of the cut. To his horror, when he looked back, he saw Terence running in agonized fashion down the track "Come up here, ye dommed ijjit! Get off the thrack!" "Not me, bejabers," Terence howled back, running harder than ever. At last engine caught up with him, and the cowcatcher neatly pitc h e d him to the side, where h e lay half stunned. P,at came up and looked at him with disgust. An' why wouldn't ye be afther gittin' off the thrack, when I called out to ye?" "Faith, an' .if I couldn't be beatin' it on the level what chanct would I have wid it afther me runnin' up hill?" TRUE ENOUGH Casey and O Neill f e ll out. The y agreed to the matter out; and decided that who ever should fi rst want to quit should call out "Enough!" O'Neill got down and was beating him


THE BEST IRISH JOKES relentlessly, when Casey called out "Enough! Enough! Enough!" "Why don't you let him up? Don't you hear him say he's got enough?" "Faith, \ill' he's such a liar, who'd be believin' of him?" NOT THE BACK WAY Lady of the house (shivering, on her return after the theater)-Has the furnace gone out, Bridget? Bridget-No, indeed, mum. Oi an' a gintle man frind been sittin' at the back gate all avenin', an' it didn't go by us, ma'am, Oi'm sure." NOT TOf ARD HEAVEN "How' s your husbl!Jld, Miss' Clancey?" "Eb, poor Pat' s underground now, to be sure "Sure, an' I hadn't heard the bad news. Poor Pat!" "Poor Pat, is it! I'll have ye to understand that a job in the subway is as good a job HS any job in the city, an' thin some!" PAGE MESMER "Don' t y e worry, Pat." Father O'Brien stared sympathetically through the bars of the prison cell "The good God's with ye, an' the ward bo s s is worrkin' for Yfr release. Besides


THE BEST IRISH JOKES 9 remimber, stone walls do not a prison make, nor.iron bars a cage. "Faith, yer Riv'rence, maybe they don't; but if they don't, they got me hypnotized." SMALL COMFORT "Ye'll be all right, Pat. Ye ll have an upright Judge to try you." '"That's just whl-t I'm afeared of, Miss' O'Hooligan. What Oi'm hopin' for is to find a Judge that'll lane a little." HE GOT HIS PAPERS Patrick McGillicuddy appeared before the Judge, asking to be naturalized. "Have you read the Declaration of Independ ence?" "That I h'ave not, yer Honor." "Have you read the Constitution of the United States?" "Divil a worrd of it." The Judge looked at him sternly. "Well, what have you read?" McGlllicuddy grinned shrewdly. "I have red hairs on me neck, yer Honor." OR A QUARTER AITER An Irishman, on the night that his wife was confined in childbirth, went out a bit prema turely to celebrate the addition to his family, with a few chosen cronies. He did not return


, 10 THE :!!EST IRISH JOKES home to his family until three o'clock in the morning. He was barely in the house, when the nurse rushed up and uncovered a bundle of blankets, showing the bewildered Irishmen triplets. At this very moment the clock struck once, twice, three times "Wan, two, three Sure, an' I could count 'em by myself, small thanks to ye, Pat addressed the clock solemnly. "An' one thing more. I'll be thankin' the good God I didn't come home at twelve!" ADD MOTHER-IN-LAW STATISTICS Mrs. Murphy turned to her husband. Now that mither's gone an' 1eft us, what sort of tombstone would we be afther gittin' for hera plain wan, or something elaborate?" Her husband looked thoughtful. "W' ell some thing good ari' heavy, acushla. A LONG PULL A man, arrested for murder, bribed an Irish man on the jury to oppose the death penalty, and hold out for a verdict of manslaughter. The jury were out a long time, and finally came in with a verdict of manslp.ughter. The man rus h e d up to the Irishman, ahd whispered, "I'm tremendously obliged. Did you have a hard time of it?" "The divil s own time, me lad. The other eleven all wanted to acquit you."


THE B EST IRISH JOKES 11 GOD SAVE THE POPE! An Irishman was steering for a saloon, .when a Methodist minister rushed up to him. "Don't go into that saloon, my man! Don't you know that the devil is with you?" Pat backed away a trifle. "I didn't reckernize you, yer Riv 'rence. But, devil or not, come on anyhow-I'm settin' up the pair of us. OMIT FLOWERS Mrs. Hennessy-Jawn Hennessy, come here this instant! Ye've got a black eye. If you been fightin' again, I'll lambast you one-Hennessy-Easy, easy, acushla. Faith, an' 'twas one of thim Orangemen. He come up to me when I was on the way home, an' he called meMrs. Hennessy-0! The murderin', blackhearted, d!rthy-Hennessy-Ssh, darlint. Ye musn't be afthet" speakin' hard words of the dead HE GOT THE JOB An Irishman, out of work, went on board a vessel, and asked the captain if he could give him a job. "Well," grinned the Captain, haading Irishman a bit of rope, "if you can find fo11r ends to that rope, I'll engage you." 1 "Four ends, yer Honor! "Well, now," show ing one end of the rope "there'11 one end."


12 THE B EST IRISH J O K E S "That's right." He took hold of the other end, and held it out. "An' there two ends-right?" "Exactly.'' "An' one end an' two ends make three ends, Capting?" The Captain laughed. "But I said four With a wide sweep of his arm, Pat threw the rope into the harbor water. "There's an end to the whole rope, sir-an' three ends an' one more end makes four ends!" THAT'S THE QUESTION "Come on in, Mike," the genial owner of the estate beckoned to the workman hesitating at the gate. "That' s a fierce dog ye've got," said Mike dubiously, pointing to an airedale barking furi ously just within the place. "Don't you know a barking dog never bites?" "Sure, an' know it," said Mike "What I'm wonderin' is, does thot dog know it?" A MATTER OF DIET The Hogan family were poverty-stricken. "An' now," John Hogan told the priest, "the ould woman's gone an' had triplets. What in the wurruld am Oi to .be doin' wid three youngsters, I'm askln' yer Riv'rence?" "Don't you know that, whin God sint the rab bit. He sint the grass too?" "Yis; but thlm babies won't eat grass,


rHE BEST IRISH JOKES 13 DO YOU BLAME HIM? O'Shaughnessy came to Ellis Island in the steerage, and made his pile within ten years. He decided to make a splurge, and started by strutting into the swellest Broadway restaurant he could find, and ordering the waiter to bring him everything on the bill of fare. Luckily, it was a table d'hote. O'Shaughnessy consumed the soup, the lobster, the lettuce garnished with 1parsley; and then was served with fried eels. "Waiter!" he roared. "I've drunk yer dish water, I've et yer insecks, I've swallered yer grass; but I'll be damned if I'll eat yer wur rums!" THE RETORT SHREWD Fingy Connors, of Buffalo, rose from being a lakeshore longshoreman to being the political boss of Democratic upstate. To say that money flowed into his pockets understates it; and, to celebrate each new pile, he purchased a diamond somewhat the size of a pigeon's egg. The Honorable Mr. Connors had to take part in public functions in BuJfalo; and his more cultured wanted to wean him from his diamonds The task required tact. At last they asked his father confessor to speak to the boss about it. The elderly father did so, pointing out that other people did not wear such a display of carated plate glass. "No, yer Riv'rence, thot ain't my opinion.


14 THE BEST. IRISH JOKES My opm1on is, that them that has 'em, wears 'em." NEXT! Peter-At phwat age wuz ;yer mither married, Jawn? J<>Jin-At fourteen Peter-Qi kin bate thot. My mither wuz mar ried at thirteen. Mike-Faith, an' Oi kin bate ye all. My mither wuz married before Oi wuz bawrn! -PRACTICAL POLITICS "Sure, an' I ain't no party-man Dennis. I vote iv'ry time f:>r the best man." "An' how can ye be tellin' who's the best man, till the votes is counted?" OR HER SO-TO-SPEAK A gentleman asked the green Irish maid, "Can you tell me of my wife's whereabouts?" The maid hesitated and blushed. "To tell ye the thruth, I really believe they're in the wash." ARITHMETIC "Pat, why did you enlist in the Thirty.fourth Regiment?" "To be sure, to be near my brither, who'e in the Thirty-third."


THE BEST IRISH JOKES 15 ARISE AND CACKLE! An Irish priest, in an impoverished district, was the beneficiary of a gift day, in which all of his parishioners brought gifts up to the altar. The reverend father, as the phrase is, rose to thank them, voice husky with emotion. "An' the thing that touched me heart most of all, wuz when little Maggie Clancey walked up the aisle, and laid an egg on the altar." WHERE'S THE IRISH CONFETTI? Pat went into a restaurant. He ordered a meal; the waiter brought it promptly. He ate it, and started for the door. Then he came back, grabbed the waiter around the waist, and threw him to the floor. Police whistle from the cashier's desk; and next morning Pat aprieared before the judge. "Why in the world did you assault this man, and throw him on the floor, after you'd fin ished your meal without any complaint?" "Faith, an' iv'rybody do be doin' it, yer Honor." "Why, whatever do you mean?" "My friend Gilhooley told me, thot jist before I left I must be sure an' tip the waiter. 'lv'rybody does it,' he said." POLLY WANTS A CRACKER A New York broker purchased a gorgeou1 parrat, d had it 1ent to his house. Tllat cilly


16 THE BEST IRISH JOKES his wife had engaged a new Irish cook When the family sat down to dinner, to their horror 'they were served with roast parrot. "That wasn't a bird to be eaten, you numb skull," roared the irate broker. "That was a bird that talked.' "Faith, an' why thin didn't it say so, if it could talk?" HIP, HIP-"Three cheers fer Home Rule!" roared an Irishman, after a rousing po\itical rally. "Three cheers for hell!" cynilJil.llY replied a Scotchman. The Irishman looked him up and down. "':'hat's right; iv'ry man should stick up for his own country." PLUMB DISTRACTED McGinniss was dying. The lawyer came to make his will; and his wife, Bridget McGinniss, saw to it that she sat in on this important ceremonial. "State your debts as quickly as possible," said the man of law. "Tim Reilly owes me forty dollars," moaned the sick man. "Good," said the prospective widow. "Jawn O'Neill owes me thirty-sivin dollars.'' "Sensible to the last," beamed the wife. "To Michael Callahan I owe two hundred dollars." "Blessed mither.of God! HeaT the man rave!"


THE BEST IRISH JOKES 17 SOLID IVORY "Mercy, Mary, what ails these cakes?" "Qi'm sure an' Qi don't know, ma'am." "Why, they taste of soap!" "Yis'm, may be they do at thot. You told me to fry 'em on the soapstone griddle; and when Qi couldn't find thot, Oi soaped the iron one." OR CALVES' .BRAINS "Bridget, stop on your way home at the butcher's, and see if he has pig's feet." Bridget returned an hour later, without a bundle. "Why, didn't he. have them?" inquired the young mistress. "Faith, mum, his trousers were that long I couldn't see whether he had pig's feet or not." HE OUGHT TO KNOW "Sure, Mike, yer wife is a strikin'-lookin' leddy." Mike rubbed the back of his head. "To tell ye the truth, Pat, she's more strikin' than lookin'." ,ANOTHER WASHINGTON Casey hurried down to where poor Riley's body lay, after Riley had fallen five stories from the building on which they. were both working. "Are ye dead, Pat?"


18 THE BEST IRISH JOKES "That Oi am." "Faith, an' ye're such a liar Oi don t know whether to belave yez or not." Riley did his best to lift up his head " proves Oi'm dead, ye dirthy dQubter; if 01 wuz alive, ye wouldn't dare to call me a liar!" RATHER DOUBTFUL The lawyer impaled the witness with a stern glance. "On your oath, Geohegan, tell the court the reputation of Mrs. Clancey for truth an' veracity." "Well, yer Honor, her reppytation for truth is very good; the good leddy couldn't tell a lie. As fer veracity, Judge, I'm not so sure; some say she would, an' some say she wouldn't." YOU WIN An Irishman found himself out of luck, out of money, and, worst of all, out of food. A twinkle came into his eyes as he spotted an Oyster and Fish Restaurant. Clutching his last nickel he walked boldly in, and addressed the proprietor. "Oi'm the champeen oyster-eater of the wurruld; Qi kin eat oysters faster 'n any man llvin' .can open 'em The proprietor, oyster knif(l in hand, regard ed him unfavorably. "No man Uvin' can eat oysters fast as I can open 'em." "Is that so! Well, Oi'll jist be bettin' you a nickel Oi can do that same little thrick.", "Done, ye bloody-boaster." At the end of an hour, the proprior had


THE BES'l' IRISH JOKES 19 opened seventy-five oysters; the Irishman had only been able to eat sixty-five. Getting up with difficulty, Pat said, "Ye win," laid down his nickel, and walked out. WATER WINGS WOULD HELP Pat was sent by his employer to take charge of an Italian funeral, since the dead man had been a member of the employer's construction gang. After observing the ceremonies, Pat came back to make his report. "Faith, boss, an' 'tis a curious custom thim Eye-talians have, of puttin' a twenty-dollar gold piece in the hand of the corpse, before buryin' him." "That's an old superstition, Pat-it's to pay the man's way across the River Jordan." "Well," said Pat slowly, "I hope that wop can swim. I got the twenty in me pocket." THE FIRST SHALL BE FIRST Murphy went to the races, and bet his wad on a horse with the attractive name of Colleen Bawn. With much interest he watched the jockeying for a start, the getaway, the first quarter: and then to his horror saw Colleen Bawn slip further and further behind, until she came in like a Socialist candidate in a Roman Catholic neighborhood. Shaking his head sadly, he went around to the paddock, and called the jockey over to him. "In hivin's name, feller, phwat detained ye?"


20 1.'HE BEST IRISH JOKES ERIN GO BRAGH An Englishman and an Irishman went to the captain of a ship bound for America, and asked permission to work their passage The Captain consented, let the Englishman go on board, but told the Irishman he must bring references. The Irishman went ashore and got them; but the discrimination angered him, and he determined to get even. One day, when the two were aiding in washing down the deck, the Englishman went to the railing, roped bucket in hand, and let the bucket down into the water. He was just leaning over to pull it up, when a great wave came aboard, caught him up, and pulled him overboard. The Irishman stopped scrubbing, and went to the railing. He peered into tlie water. No sign of the Englishman. Righteously indignant, the Irishman took him aelf up to the Captain's cabin. "Captain, perhaps yez remimber, whin I shipped aboard this vessel, ye asked me for references; an' let that Englishman come on without thim ?" "Of course I remember. You aren't complaining at this late date, are you?" "Complainin', Captain? Not the likes of me. I'm jist here to tell you thot your trust was bethrayed. You know, Captain, t4imEnglish-" "Whatever do you mfi!an-betrayed ?" "Sure, an' that Englishman's gone off wid yer pail!"


THE BEST IRISH JOKE S 21 IT GOT THE VERDICT A green Irishman-and there are Irishmen who say that all Irishmen are green, and that an Orageman's not an Irishman but an Eng lishman in masquerade-a green Irishman was run over by a freight train; his widow brought suit for damages. The chief witness was an Irish fellow labor er. He told his stoFy in his own way, giving a graphic description of the tragedy, punctuated with an artistic shedding of tears, and an occa sional calling on the blessed saints for cor roboration. He swore positively that the loco motive whistle was not blown until the entire train had passed over his departed friend. The corporation lawyer pricked up his ears. Aha, he had the witness now! "See here, Mr. McGinnis, you admit that the whistle blew?" "Yes, sor; it blew, sor." "Now, if that whistle sounded in time to give Michael 'Yarning, the fact would be in favor of the company, wouldn't it?" "Av course; an' ye '90uldn't be expectin' me to alter the truth to a lie, to aid no railroad company, would ye, sor?" "Of course not. But, if it had blown in time to give him warning, that would help the com-pany's case, eh?" "Case? In thot case, Michael would be here a-testifyin' in his own favor." The jury giggled; the judge smiled; the law yer frowned. "Never mind that. You were


22 THE BEST IRISH JOKES Mike's friend-I understand that-and you want to help his widow out. :But you're on oath, my friend. You tell this jury-" with an eloquent gesture, "what earthly purpose there could be for the engineer to blow that whistle after Mike had been struck, and after the locomotive had passed over him, and after the whole string of cars had passed over him! Just tell 'em that!" Mike beamed at the lawyer. "I suppose the whistle were for the next man the engineer were goin' to run over, sor." THERE WERE GIANTS-An Irishman, from an inland town, on his arrival at New York, reached the Battery. For three days he hung around a pier where a great anchor lay on the planks. Finally another Irishman approacked him. "Qi've bin watchin' yez, my friend. Is there anything Qi kin do fer you?" "Thank yez kindly, no. Qi'm jist \wantill' to see the man that uses thot pick." WITH GOOD REASON The undertaker tiptoed up to the aeareat man in the parlor. "Are yo11 one of the mourner11 !'' "Mourner, yez are afther askiin'! Faith all' bedad, Qi am thot. The corpse owed me tin dollars."


TllE :BEST IRISH .TOKES REASONABLE A traveler, passing through a small town, saw an elaborate funeral passing down the main street, and turned to ask one of the by standers about the display. "Whose funeral is that, my man?" "Begorrah, sor," said Pat, with an innocent look "it's rneself that cannot say for certain, it not beln' any of my funeral; but I'm afther thinkin' it's the man in the coffin's .' ALAS AND ALACK "I was sorry to hear ye were in a free-for-all fight Patrick. "Free for all ye're sayin' ? Maybe free for som e, but not for me Faith, an' it's ten dol lars an costs it cost me at coort." TWO CAN WALK TOGETHER-Two Irishme n were once walking towa'.rd New York They encountered a native beside the road, and asked him how much further they had to go to reach the big city. "Oh a mite further on. Matter maybe of twenty miles "Faith, an' thot's bad news entirely," mourned one of the walkers "We' ll not be reachin' the c eety tonight, I'm thinkin'." "Och Pat, come on. Twinty miles! Sure that's not much; only tin miles apiece Come on :"


24 THE BEST IRISH JOKES OR A JITNEY BUS "What's your business?" the judge asked the Irish witness. "Oi'm a sailor." "You don't look like a sailor. I don't belie'le you were ever on a ship." "No, yer honor. Faith, an' a 1r1an like you must know. I suppose I came over from the ould counthry in a hack." FOLLOWING INSTRUCTIONS "I hear. ye got a letter from yer brither Denny." "Faith, an' I did that." "An' phwat would the bhoy be afther sayin' about himself?" The Irishman shook his head soberly. "It's not me kin tell you thot. On the outside of the lnvelope wuz printed, 'Return in five days.' So I slnt it back to him." WELL, WELL! "Is your daughter very delicate?" "Delicate, ye say? Faith, an' there Isn't a girl In Hoboken as indelicate as my Norah." TOUGH ON THE TWO An Irishman had a face so plain that his friends used to tell him It looked like a map of Ulster. In the early days, Murphy fought about it; but a long streak of hard luck made


THE BEST IRISH JOKES %5 him too weak to repel such assaults on his physiognomy. One day a neighbor met him. "How are ye, Pat?" ''Mighty bad. Sure, 'tis starvation thot's starin' me in the very face." "Begorrah," exclaimed his neighbor sympa thetically, "that's mighty tough on both of yez." THE EASIEST WAY An Irishman spent his last cent to come to this country. After hunting for work for a couple of weeks, he became discouraged, and walked to the Battery. Here he sat on the dock, looking out to sea. He began thinking what a foof he had been to spend all his money to come from Ireland, when he might have stayed on the old sod and still had his money In his pocket. Just then he noticed a diver, who had been working under the dock, come to the surface, clamber ashore, and begin unscrewing his hel met. Whe he had the headpiece off, he heaved a long breath. "Well!" marvele'tl the Irishman aloud. "I! I'd a known as much as thot man, I'd have walked over from Ireland myself, an' saved all thot money!" AN IRISH BULL A Dublin doctor sent in a bill to a lady as follows : "To l:urlng your husband till he died."


f_I THE BEST IRISH JOKES FOLLOW THE SIGN I "Halt!' The sergeant presented his i ifle at the private. "Phwat's bitin' ye?" "You can't go in there!" "Faith, an' phwy not?" "Because it's the gineral's tent, you lobster!" "Then, bedad, what's it doin' wid 'Priv8:te' writ over the door?" ANOTHER BULL Pat and Mike were hunting. Pat saw a duck far overhead, gave it both barrels, and to his delight saw the bird wheel over, and fall to the ground like a piano slippmg from its cables at the tenth story of a building. "Ye wasted thot powd1'!r, Pat," said Mike pityingly. "I got the boird, didn't I?" "Yis; -but the fall would a-kiltl him." IT LOOKS BAD "Howdy, McGinnis. Have ye s \en poor Pat rick O'Kelly this week?" "Not I." "Eh, he's an awful sight to be lookin' at, to be sure. He' s thot thin, I'm thinkin' he's about to die." "An' why s hould he be dyin', afthe r all? I'm thin meself." "Yis ye're thin, an' I'm thin; but Patrick' s thinner than both of us put together.


THE BEST IRISH JOKES 27 A TWISTER JN TWISTINGDennis Kelly came home 9ne night a bit to the bad from whiskey, and tumbled into bed still in a haze. fu the night he was awakened by a loud cry of "Fire!" In his anxiety to dress in a hurry, and still muddled by the evening's drinking, he got into his trousers hind side before. As he started down the stairs, he slipped and fell, rolling all the way to the bottom of the flight. A friend rushed to his assistance. "Dennis, are ye hurted ?" Kelly got on his feet slowly, and gonducted a careful investigation of his bones, and, most of all, his trousers. "No, I d01t't think I'm hurted; but I got one hell of a twist." AN AMENDMENT The Irish beggar shambled over, holding out his hand. "Please give a poor old blind man a dime, sor." "But you can see out of one eye." "Thin make it a nick111." A QUESTION OF RELATIVITY "Did you have any trouble with black ants in Ireland, Mamie?" her mistress asked.


28 THE BEST IRISH JOKR Q "No, mum; but I did 1..1 ... ve a tot or trouble wid a white uncle." WHO COULD HAVE GUESSED IT? A man came up\ in his curiosity, to the bell ringer of an Irish church in a rundown neigh borhood. "Can you tell me, my man, why the bell is ringing?" "Yis, Oi kin thot," returned the Irishman promptly. "It's because I'm a-pullin' of the rope, sor." IMPROVED TRANSIT The Casey brothers, Tom and John, were on the 1Hibernia coming over from Ireland. It was a quiet trip-too quiet to be to their liking. One evening, as they sat on the deck, Tom Casey turned to his brother. "Jawn, can't ye be aftber thinkin' up some fun?" "If ye're afther fun, there's a cannon fer ninst the back of this sidewalk they're callin' the deck; shoot that off, an ye'IJ have some fun." "Eh, but the captain would bear us." "No, Tom; I'll be afther gittin' a bucket, an' sittin' on the cannon while ye shoot it off. I'll put the bucket over the mouth of the can non, an' that'll hush up the noise so the cap tain will be hearin' it." His brother agreed. John got the pail, and sat on the cannon; Tom touched it off, and blew John t(ln miles out to sea. The report alarmed everyone; the captain


I I THE BEST IRlSH JOKES 29 was among first to arrive at the spot where Tom stood staring stupidly in the direction of his brother's accelerated departJ,1re. "Tom, where's your brother John?" "Faith, he's gone out for a bucket of water, I'm thinkin'." "Will he be back soon?" Tom smiled agreeably. "If he comes back as quick as he went, he's already here." OF COURSE Well, Pat, what are ye doin'? Sweepin' out the shop?" Pat inspected the employer disgustedly. "No, sir, Oi'm sweepin' out the dirt, an' lavin' the shop." THE RIGHT SPIRIT Patrick had worked hard all his days. When he grew too old for hard labor, the ward boss secured him the chance to work as tender at a small railroad station. He looked dubious as the duties of the job were explained to him, and the meaning of the various flags was explained. "In case of danger, with a train coming, of course you wave the red flag." Patrick shook his head. "It would niver do in the wurruld. How do ye expect. me re mlmber to wave a red flag, when there's a green one handy?"


30 THE BEST IRISH JOKES IRISH LOGIC Two Irishmen went out skating, with a quart of whiskey carried along as a bracer. It grew chilly on the lake; so they decided to open the bottle. The cork was found to be wedged in so tightly, that only a corkscrew could move it; and they had omitted to bring a corkscrew. After a few minutes of hard work with the cork, Pat turned it over to Mike. After watch ing Mike's efforts, he asked, "Can't ye get it out, Mike?" "Sure, begob, I'll git it out, if Oi have to push it in to do it!" A MATTER OF PEDIGREE A Scotchman and an Irishman were arguing as to the merits of their families. The Scotch man had the floor first. "I tell ye laddie, I'm sprung from the best stock in the world-from the stock of the kings of Scotland. I've got royal blood in my veins. An' what stock are you sprung from?" "I come from the Caseys," said the Irishman simply. "They niver sprung from nobodythey sprung at 'em!" NEXT THING, ANYHOW "Well, I hear as how ye were the best man at Mike's wedding." "Well, no, mum, not exactly that. I wuzn't in the weddin'-1 were jist there; so I wuzn t the best man. But I wuz as good as any man there, an' thot's no lie!"


THE B EST IRISH JOKES 31 THE OLD NICK An old Irishman grew sick, so sick that the priest was sent for to adminis-ter extreme unc tion. Somehow the man recovered, and in a couple of weeks was hobbling about as good as ever. On one of his hobbles, he met the priest who had administered the last rites. "Ah, Pat, it's a sight for sore eyes to be seein' ye out again. I thought ye were a goner, sure. Ye had a bad, bad time of it." "Yis, yer riv'rence. Indade an' I did." "When ye were so near to death's door, weren't ye afraid to meet your God, your Maker?" "I wuzn't worryin' about thot, yer riv'rence. It w uz the other gintleman I wasn' t anxious to meet." PROOF POSITIVE "Mike, did ye put out the cat, before ye crept into l)ed ?" "Sure I did." "I don't belave it!" "Well, if yez think I'm a liar, g'wan an' put her out yersel!!" THE GLORIOUS FOURTH "Sure I'm a married man. l ; ve got three children for certificates." "An' next July, I guess, ye'JJ be celebratln' the ourth?"


32 THE BEST IRISH JOKES THE IRISHMEN'S BALL "Pfans for Irish Ball Thursday in the Hotel Commod0re Now Complete."-New fork Head line. There's "Erin Go Bragh" on a ceiling '!'hat's daubed with a riot of green; The emerald walls are all re,eling With "Down with the King and the Queen!'' The us.her squad practices dealing Out bricks and stout sticks for them all: When every young Gael is supplied with shillalies, 'J'hey'll start up the Irishmen's Ball! There's Finnegan, Flanagan: Kelly, ./ O'Neill ana O'Sheel and O'Shay, McMilligan, Mulligan, Skelly, O'Reilly, O'Rourke, and O 'Day. There's Harrigan, Burke and O'Delly, There's Garrigan, Gilligan,-aiz From attic to basement, St. Patrick to Casement, On hand for the Irishmen's ball. Each neighboring paint-shop disgorges Great oceans of emerald ,paint; Long banners denounce the Three GeorgesThe Lloyd, and the King, and the Saint; Potatoes for regular orgies, And good Irish Stew for them all-With corn-beef and cabbage completing the grabbage On hand for the Irishmen's ball. O'Brien, O'Ryan, Gilhooley, Mullanigan, Brannigan, Coyle,


THE BEST IRISH JOKES S3 Maloney, Mahoney, and Dooley, O'Grady and Brady and Doyle; McQuillin, McMillin, Gilluly, McNi sh and McNutt and McOall-0 hurry and fix up-we'll have the grand Micks-up, TM peak of the It-ishmen's Ball! -Clement Wood. ALMOST WON THE BET Pat bet Mike that be could carry a bod of bricks to the top of a fifty foot building, with Mike sitting on top of the bod. When near the top, Pat made a misstep, and nearly dropped Mils:e to the stone walk below. Arriving at the top, Pat said, "Begorra, I've won the bet. "Yer have," said Mike sadly. "But wbin ye sblipped, I was sure I had yez." TAKE YOUR PICK The other night an Irishman's wife gave birth to triplets. He was so tickled that be went to the corner, where Connie Sullivan, the ward leader, lived, an

34 BEST IRISH JOKES them, and turned confidently to the proud father. If I was you, I'd keep the one in the middle." JN ST. VOLSTEAD'S NAME! An Irishman at work on a building missed his footing on a scaffold, and fell from the ninth floor. He struck a telephone wire on the way down, whirled around, struck a clothes line, and landed in a pile of hay put there to feed the horses. The doctor who arrived decided that, by a miracle, no 'bones were broken. As the Irishman came to, the doctor was holding a glass of water ,to his lips, to aid in reviving the patient. "Phwat the divil happened-did the buil( fall?" \ "No, but you did, my man; you had a very narrow escape from death." "Phwat's that ye're givin' me to drink?" "Water, to revive you," answered the doctor. "Givin' me wather, after fallin' nine stories! Faith, an' how far would I have to fall to git a drink of whiskey;J" A PREFERRED CREDITOR An Irishman had some business dealings with a Jew, who soon failed in business. The Hibernian went to see the Israelite, and tried to secure a settlement of his account. The Jew, after much show of anxiety to favor Flynn and save him from lose, finally


THE BEST IRISH JOKES offered to make him a preferred creditor. The Irishman agreed to this. He went bume and thought the matter over that night, and grew somewhat dubious The next morning he called again upon the debtor. "Finkelstein, an' jist what do ye mean by makin' me a pre ferred creditor?" "Yell I tell you vot it iss. You know now dat you von't get anyt'ing, vile all de odder creditors von't know it for sixty days." HALLELUJAH AMEN! An Englishman and an Irishman were riding on top of a London bus; and the Englishman especially had been annoyed by the confusion, the bustle, the raucous din from all sides. The y came in sight of Westminster Abbey; and at this moment the chimes burst forth in a joyous melody. -The Englishman turned to his friend, and said, "Isn't that sublime? It is glorious to hear those chimes pealing to Heaven, and doesn't it lift one's thoughts higher and higher to the Creator of all things?" Casey leaned over, hand to his ear. "Ye'll have to speak a little louder, George." "Those magnificent chimes, old top-don' t they imbue you with a feeling of reverence, of awe? Does not that golden tintinnabulation re awaken golden memories of a happy past?" Casey leaned still closer, face still puzzled "George ye've gotter speak louder. I can't hear one word ye're sayin'." The Englishman. ;;1,l_lJlQSt ehouted in the


J6 THE BEST IRISH JOKES other's ears. "The chimes, old thing, the mar velous chimes! Right-0 Isn't that pealing melodious? Doesn't it take you back into the dim vistas of the past when the world was young, and man's springtime heart faced with a sweet young reverence the awful miracles of godhead?" Casey stuck his mouth against the other man's ear, and screamed: "I can't hear a damned word. Those damned bells are makin' such a hell of a racket, I can't hear me own self think, drat 'em!" A JUST VERDICT "My lord," said the foreman of an Irish jury seriously, as he gave the verdict, "we find that the man who stole the mare is not e:uilty.'' HOW DARED THE MAN? The priest was writing the certificate at a christening, and paused in an endeavor to re call the date. He appealed to the mother. "Let me see, this is the nineteenth, isn't it?" "The nineteenth, bejabers Yer riv'rence must be losin' yer mind. This is only the elivinth I've had." NO COMPLAINT The other day Mahoney's mother-in-law died and went to-Well, in any case, she died. Mahoney had previously told her to go to sev eral places: she could take her choice. Well, went to E!f}.lQQ!llreeper.


. THE BEST IRISH J'OKES 37 and asked him to lend him six dollars foJ' funeral expenses. The saloon-keeper went to his till, counted the change twice, and shook his head. "I've only got five forty, Pat. Thot's the best I kin do-'' I I "That's right, ob.Id man. Just give that to me, an I'll take the other sixty cents In drinks." NOTHING OF THE KIND "Is your wife a club woman, Gilligan?" "Club woman? Not she. She favors a flatirqn." THE EVIDENCE IS IN "And now, Mrs. Hooley, will you be kind enough to tell the jury about your husband's mistreatment of you. He was in the habit, was he not, of striking you with impunity?" "Wid what, sir?" "With impunity." 1 "Well, yes, sor, now an' thin; but he struck me oftener wid his fist." OR SAN FRANCISCO An Irish saloon-keeper in New York's East Side found his cash was always short, so he said to his Jewish bartender one day: "Levy, didr you take any money out of the cash drawer last night?" "Yes, I took my carfare home." The Irishman regarded him unfavorably. "An' whin did ye mov e out to' Los Angeles?"


38 THE BEST IRISH JOKES NO CHA}{c;r.; "Hey there," an irate citizen bawled up to a group of workmen on a ledge two stories in the air. The bricklayers looked down curi ously. "One of you scoundrels just dropped a brick, and it came within an ace of hitting me on the head!" "Don't trouble to return it,'' shouted a work man. "We got plenty more of 'em." THE RETORT BELLICOSE A party of college students observed that an Irishman went home every night, taking a short cut through the corner of a cemetery. They determined to give him a good scare. They dug a grave, placing a few loose boards over it, disguised one of their number as a ghost, and then, hiding behind nearby grave stones, awaited the Irishman's coming. Along came the Irishman. He saw the planks across the hole in the path, missed his footing, and tumbled down into the grave. The ghost, with sepulchral tones, stalked out. "What are you doing in my grave?" "Faith, an' what might you be doin' out of it?" HONESTY IS THE BEST POLICY "And how much of that stack of hay did you steal, Patrick?" the priest asked at confes sional. "I might just as well confess to the whole


1'HE BEST IRISH JOKES 39 stack, yer Riv'rence; I'm goin' afther the rest of it tonight." IRISH PRIDE "What would you be, Pat, If ye warrn't Irish." "I'd be ashamed, Moike." RELIGIOUS STATIC In a family where a new radio was installed the excitement spread even to the kitchen, and induced the Irish cook to peep in at intervals. Once, when she was bobbing back, abashed, her kindly mistress told her .to come in, if she lihd, and listen. "It's the church service, but I don't know what denomination," explained the lady of the house. Tlie servant listened delightfully, and then when the service could hardly be distinguished from various other sounds, her face cleared with the light of niscovery. "That be static," the mistress was saying, when Bridget interrupted. "Oh, no ma'am-shure and they have religion." UGLY IMPROVEMENT "Murphy is tearing down his new house." "Not that beautiful new house on the corner lot!" "That's the one. "Why. what's the trouble'!" "The land iR too valuable to live on. n.. w.hat's going up there. "A filling station'?"


!'HE BEST IRISlI JOKES "No." "A business block?" uNo." ''Apartment lloi.:se?" 'No." "Hotel'! Theater?" No "I'll give up what is?" "A billboard." COULDN'T MAKE IT Casey-Did ye go over t' see Kelly noight Costigan-Qi did not. Aft.her Oi'd walked two-thirds av the way Oi was too toired t' go ___. a shtep {urther, so Oi turned round an walked home again. WHAT ELSE couin HE DO? "Pat, why in, the world do you drink so much?" "Well, it's this way, yer Honor. 'Oi eat onions to kill the smell of the whiskey, an' think Oi have to drink more whiskey to kill the smell of the onions." TRUE INDEED "Pat, wuz there ever anything more wonder fol than a camel goin' through the eye of a needle?" "Yis, Mike, there wuz. Ol've seen me two hundred pound ould woman go through me vest pocket, time an' agat;n. bedad


THE BEST IRISH JOKES 41 SO'S YOUR OLD MAN An Irishman called at an undertaking estab lishment, where an unidentified corpse was waiting for identification. Several neighbors had ventured the opiniol'l that it was Milligan's father, who had disappeared a couple of weeks before. "'Tis me ould daddy," mourned Milligan, after a careful inspection. "Ye'll be afther givin' him the most daycint funeral yer hop can afford. A man's father doesn't die lv'ry day." "All right, sir," said the obsequious under taker, showing his respect for the corpse by rearranging Its head, as if to make it more com fortable on the cloth beneath. This disturbed the lower jaw, which fell apart, exposing the teeth. Milligan studied them curiously. He reached a tentative hand in, and gave a slight yank at the teeth, t:hen a harder one. "Thim's false teeth, Mister Undertaker?" "Oh, no, sir-one of the soundest sets of teeth I've ever ,seen a corpse "My father, Hiv'n rest his soul. had the most improved set of false teeth that money could buy. I'm not this corpse's son at all, bejabers: he's somebody else's father, I'm thlnkln'. Good day." The undertaker, when he lel'.t, yanked the body out of the handsome in which it had been placed, slapped it down on a slab, and addressed it i11 disgust: "You damned


4l! THE BEST IRISH JOKES fool! If you'd a kept your damned mouth shu., you'd a got a decent burial!" REPUBLICANS PLEASE COP.>;' A gentleman sent Irish servant to a neighboring store to get a demijohn. "A what!" "Ain't yer ears right? A dimmycrat I said, an' a dimmycrat I meant." "Now wasn't it a demijohn he wanted?" "1'immyjohn or dimmyerat, it's all the same, ain't it-something to hold bad whiskey." WHEN SHE LEIT THE WORLD BEHIND "Poor Missis Reilly! After she'd died, they found she had forty thousand dollars sewed up in her bustle!" "My, but that's a lot of money to leave behind." ARISE AND SING The Irish b,arber beamed ingratlat;jngly at his patron. "Try a little hair restoi'er, sir.guaranteed to raise whiskers on a billiard ball, an' a moustache on a marble monumint?" "Why, you're all bald on top, my friend. Why don't you use it yourself?" The Irishman's eyes twinkled. "'Twould niver do. I represent before usin'; 'tis me brother, theta at the next chair, who repre-sents after usin'."


THl'!l BEST IRISH JOKES 43 OR WHY PUT ICE IN AN ICE BOX? Mrs. Timothy Grogan came out of the water at the seaside resort, her face as angry as her bathing clothes were dripping. "Tim, ye worthless good-for nothin', ye're worse than nothing of a man, if ye don't go up to the rob ber that rinted me this bathin' suit, an' lick the hide off him! I'm wet to my skin. Sure, it don't kape the water off me no more than if I'd had no suit on at all!" NOT FINISHErl, IRISHED "Is yer daughter a finished musician, Mlssis O'Grady!" "Not ylt; but the neighbors do be after mak'in' threats." AND THEN THE CROCKERY FLEW He examined his Cork face carefully before the mirror. "I don't know whether I should be after wearin' a black tie or a white one for the avenin', Bridget. What's the correct form for a man over sixty?" His wife iregarded him unfavorably. "Chloroform." QUITE SIMPLE Bridget had come with her husband to New York City for the first time; she was all over


// 44 THE BEST IRISH JOKES curiosity. "Pat, Pat,' look at thim ferry-boats! got a front at both ends An' why is that, will ye be tellin' me?" 'Tis simp'le, Bridget acushla. Sure an' it's so they can go both ways at once, me darli11.t." THE DOCTOR REBUKED "Well, Pat," the Doctor greeted him breezily, "what can I do for you?" "Faith, sure an' if I knowed thot, I wouldn't have to be payin' you two dollars fer tellin' me .. THE DIRTY WOP! "See here, Maginnis, this man, right next to you, is doing twice the work that you are," the foreman complained. "That's what I've been a-tellin' him for the last hour, sor, but the dirty wop 'won't slow down." FIGURES DON'T LIE "This bed is not long enough for me," said a tall Englishman, upon being ushered into a bedroom by an Irish attendant at a cheap hotel. "Why, ye ain't taller than six feet, an' this bed is all of that," comforted the Hibernian. "Yes, but I don't want my head and feet to be bumping the top and bottom. of the bed all night, qld thing." "Ah, sir," said Pat shrewdly, "ye needn't


/ THE BES'l.' IRISH JOKES 45 worry. For the bed'll have two feet added to it, whin ye get in." GROSSLY EXAGGERATED Pat "Burke was brakeman on a New York Central freight train that was smashed up at a crossing; the newspi,iper list of casualties in cluded Pat's name. His wife, weeping her eyes out, called with several neighbors, and iden tified Pat's remains among the half-mutilaJed corpses. The remains were brougb,t home, and the regular Irish wake was had. After the wake, the weeping wife went with the funeral cortege to the grave,-yard, leaving a neighbor woman to look after the house. A few minutes later a banged-up looking ob ject, leaning on an improvised stick, limped painfully into the house. It was Pat! "Where's me wife!" he ordered. "Speak quickly!" "She-she's gone to yer funeral, sor.'' "My funeral? Bedad, an' don't they wait for a man to die before they be havin' funerals for him?" "But yer're dead already, Pat-quit yer foolin'," she insisted stoutly. "Foolin'? What d'ye mean? Ain't I here now?" "Arrah, Pat, me jewel, but you know you're dead. I<'aith, an.wasn't I at yer wake meself? An' did ye ever hear of a wake. for a man wasn't dead?" "Then, if I'm dead," he asked a crusher, ''wliere's mY corpse? I ask ye that!''.


46 THE BEST IRISH JOKES "Gone to the buryin', amoc!, an' yer poor wife wid it, weepin' her eyes but." "Begorra, she'd better be weepin' her eyes out over me dead corpse, than be beatln' the life out of me live corpse wld a broomstick," reflected Pat, as he sat down and lit his pipe. ANYTHING TO OBLIGE Doctor Hogan, highly successful in his prac tice, stumbled, at the bottom of the steps leading to his lower Park Avenue residence, over a pile of paving stones which an Irish workman had just piled on the Doctor's side walk. "Remove them! Away with them!" screamed the doctor, with an oath. "Faith, an' where shall I take 'em to?" won dered Pat aloud "To hell with 'em!" "Hadn't I better take 'em to hiv'n? Sure, an' they'd be more out of yer Honor's way there." HE GOT THE JOB An Irishman read an advertisement of a music committee, for a musician for a f-estival. He wrote to the committee: "Gentlemen, I no ticed your advertisement for an organist and music teacher, either lady or gentleman. Having been bbth for many years, I offer you my services."


THE BEST IRISH JOKES 47 THE IRISH BULL The Irishman is famed for his bulls or state ments containing paradoxes. For instance, an Irish salesman was trying to sell some iron window sashes, and in recommending them, he said: "These sashes wil) last you forever. sir; and afterwards, if you have no further use for them, you can sell them for old iron." There is the famous remark of the Irish lover: "It's a great comfort to be alone, espe cially when yer sweetheart is wid ye." A famous Irish lover of antiquity crushed an opponent, who advocated modern architectural beauty, by exclaiming triumphantly: "An' will ye show me any modern building that has lasted as long as the ancient ones?" An Irish judge charged a jury, "A man who'd maliciously set fire to a barn, and burn up a stable full of horses and mules, ought to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I'd like to be the one to do it!" Two Irishmen met on the street, and rushed up to shake hands. At the same moment both discovered that they were unacquainted with each other. "Beg your pardon,-" began one. "Faith, an' it's all right; you see, I thought it was you, an' you thought it was me, an', bejab ers, it wasn't neither of us!" "How many fathoms?" an Irish captain in quired. "Can't touch bottom, sir." ''Well, damn it, how near to bottom do ye come?" An Irish judge, pounding for order at a trW,


48 THE BEST IRISH JOKES shouted, "We want nothin' but silence, an' very little of that." HE WOULD "Faith, Pat," the priest tested him out shrewdly, "an' would ye like yourself to be buried in a Protestant graveyard?" "Not me, Father. Faith, an' I'd die first!" EVERYBODY SATISFIED The good Father came upon Pat, the town disgrace, in a highly inebriated condition, tacking skilfully from telephone post to gate, and back again. "Pat, Pat, drunk again?" "Are ye? So'm I, Father." "Tut, tut, this is no time for levity. You in this beastly condition, Pat, after faithfully promisin' me two weeks ago, that you would nevermore get drunk-an' after takin' the pledge. It's a burnin' shame to you, an' a sin against God an' the Church, and sorry I am to be obliged to say so." "Father Daly," said Pat, in a 'tone half tipsy, half laughing, "do ye say ye are sorry to see me so?" "Yes, indade I a111.'' "Are you sure ye're very sorry?" "Yis0 very, very sorry.'' "Well. thin, Father Daly, if you're very, very, rery sorry-I'll forgive you!"


THE BEST IRISH JOKE S 49 COLD OR HOT "I had a dream the other night, Casey, an' it taught me a great lesson." "Bedad, an' what was the lisson, Pat?" "'Twas like this. I dreamed I wuz in Rome, an.' I had a audience with the pope-as great a glntleman as any in the district, an' thot's no lie. Would I have a drink, he axed me. Thinks I, would a duck swim, an' seein' the whiskey an' lemons an' sugar on the sideboard, I told blm I wouldn't mind if I had a wee drop or punch. 'Could or hot?' asked His Riv'rence. 'Hot, yer Holiness,' says I. Ah, what a mistake I made!" "I don't see anything wrong-" "Ah but listen, boy. His Holiness stepped toward the kitchin' for the b'ilin' water; an' before he got back, I woke up. Nex' time, I'll say, 'l'fi take it could yer Holiness, while the water's a.gettin' hot!" WE WISH WE HAD "You ought to have seen me," said the viva cious young flapper, who had just returned from school for the holidays, to the new min ister, who was calling. "I had just got on my skates and made a step, when flop I came down on my-" Maggie!" said her mother. "What? Oh, it was so funny! One akate


50 THE BEST IRISH .TOKES went one way, and the other t'other way, and down I came on my-" "Margaret!" reprovingly spoke her father. "Well, what? They scooted from under me, and down I came plump on my-" "Margaret!" shouted both parents at once. "-On my little brother, who had me by the hand. and I almost smashed him. What's the big noise about, anyhow?" she asked innocently. NOTHING LIKE MORALITY Two Irishmen were convicted of murder, and called U.P for sentence. When asked If they had anything to say,' one replied, "Nothin', yer Honor, except I'm sorry they caughted us." "You confess, now, that you did kill the man?" "Well, we might a done it-it it don't do no harm to say so now." "How did you do it?" "Well, bedad I struck him wid a stone, an' Mike, he hit hlm wid a shillaly, and then we both of us burled him in the bog, sor." "Well, well," said the judge. "And what else did you do before you buried him in the bog?" "What would yer Honor do in such a case? We searched him, of course." "Yes, and what did you find?" "A dollar an' a quarter in change, yer Honor." "Anything else?" "Yls, sor: a fine lunch of bread an' meat." "Yes; and what did you do with that?" "We was hungry, /IO we Me the lwead, an' tllrew the meat awa) ."'


THE BEST IRISH JOKES 51 "What did you throw the meat away for?" "Why, is yer Honor forgettin' this was of a Friday, sor? It would 'a' been wicked to eat it." ALAS AND ALACK! A few years ago, the State's Attorney of a midwestern city, a distinguished Irish orator and lawyer, was very fond of the bottle. On one occasion, an important criminal case was called by the clerk; but the attorney, with owl like gravity, kept his chair. "Mr. Attorney, is the State ready to pro. ceed ?" asked the Judge. "Yiss-hic-no, yoc Honor," stammered the lawyer. "The State is not-not in a state to try this case, today; the State yer Honor, isbic-is drunk!" REPUTATION FOR VERACITY An Ir.ishman once pleaded guilty, throwing himself on the mercy of the court. The Judge nevertheless ordered a jury trial, and, to his amazement, the jury brought in a verdict of "Not guilty." "What do you mean?" exclaimed the judge indignantly. "Why, the man has confessed his guilt." "Yes, yer Honor,'' exclaimed the foreman, "but you don't know this feller like we do. He's the most notorious liar in the county; and no twelve men who know his character can believe a word he's eayin'."


62 THE BEST IRISH ALL SQUARE Mike Murphy was taken to task by his spir itual adviser, for having stolen widow Maho ney's only pig. The evidence against Mike was so direct and positive, that it was worse than useless for him to deny the crime. He listened with downcast eyes and much meekness to a well-deserved lecture from the priest, upon the wickedness of the theft he had committed. "Bejabers, an' tis a true word ye're sayin', yer Riv'rence." "An' in the day of Judgment, Mike, what will ye be sayin' thin? When. the good. Lord, God rest him, calls Mike Murphy to the judgment bar, an' there stands poor weepin' Missis Maho ney an' her pig; an' the Lord says to ye, 'Mike Murphy, would ye be after stealin' a pig from a poor lonely widdy woman'-what could ye say for yerself, thin?" "She'll be there, yer Riv'rence?" "Surely." "An' the pig?" "l<,aith, they'll both be confrontin' ye in that day, large as life." "Yer Riv'rence, I'll say, 'Widdy Mahoney, there's yer pig, Hiv'n rest yer soul,-take it! It's YC!mrs REASONABLE "Prisoner, why did you beat and kick this man so shamefully?" "Faith, an' I'm 'Very sorry for thot, yer Honor.


THE BEST IRISH JOKES It wuz all a mistake. 1 was a leetle under, sor, what wid the drinks I'd been takin' an' I thought it were my wife, sor." WHO'D A-THUNK IT? Dennis was supposed to be half-witted, as a boy; and he was worse as a man. In an important case, he was called as a witness; and the opposing lawyer protested against accepting his evidence. He. began to cross-examine the halfwit. "Dennis Grady, d-o you know who made you?" "Sure I know; I ain't tellin' everybody," said the man, with a vapid grin. "Make him answer, your Honor," insisted the lawyer. "Answer the question, young man." "Well," the half-wit screwed up his face, in a painful effort to remember, "it was Moses, I s'pose." There was a laugh throughout the courtroom. "That will do," said the lawyer. "The witness says he supposes Moses made him. That is an intelligent answer; it indicates more intelli gence than I gave the witness credit for having. It shows some faint knowledge of Scripture; but, I submit, it is not sufficient to qualify him to be sworn as a witness." The witness stared intently at the lawyer. "Mister Judge, can I be after askin' the lawyer a question?" "Certainly," said the judge. "Well, then, Mr. Lawyer, who made you?"


54 THE BEST IRISH JOKES "Aaron, I suppose," said the lawyer, imitating the witneBS. As the laugh cleared, the witness turned with relief to the judge. "Well now, yer Honor, the good Father was tellin' me only last week that Aaron made a calf; but who'd a supposed the critter would a in here?" The judge ordered the witnesa to be sworn. THE EASIEST WAY The custom of appointing young lawyers to defend pauper criminals received a blow re cently. A well known judge had appointed two young, and somewhat seedy, lawyers to defend an old experienced horse-thief, who came from County Limerick originally. After inspecting his counsel for some time the Irishman rose with a dejected face. "Is yer Honor app'intin' these meu to detind me?" "Yes, sir," said the judge. "Both of 'em?" "Both of them." "Thin the safest thing is to plead l!:'lilty," with a heavy sigh. THE LETTER OF THE LAW A doctor brought suit against an Irishman for five dollars, for attendance on the ma11'1 wl!e. The medico proved his case, and was about to retire triumphant, when the Irishman


BEJST IRISH .TOKES 55 humbly asked leave to ask the plaintiff a few questions. Permission was granted. "Doctor, you remimber whin I called on you?" "I do." "What did I say to ye?" "You said your wife was sick, and you wanted me to go and see her." "What did you say?" "I said if you'd pay me my fee, I would." "What did I say to thot ?" The doctor smiled. "You said you'd pay my fee, if you knew what it was." "An' what did you tell me, doctor?" "I said my fee was five dollars for the visit, an' maybe more depending on the duration of the sickness." "Now, doctor, by virtue of yo .ur oath, didn't I say, 'Kill or cure, I'll pay you the five do! lars'? An' didn't ye say, 'Kill or cure, I'll take it'?" "That was your peculiar way of stating the bargain, yes; though," with a smile, "I did not understand that I was under obligations to klll your wife, but to try to cure "Yis. Now, doctor, by virtue of your oath, me this: Did ye cure my wife?" "Of course not; she's dead; you know that." "Then, doctor, by virtue of your oath: did you kill my wife?" "Don't be ridiculous; she died of her dis-ease." "Then, yer Honor," turning triumphantly to the Court, "You heard him tell of our bar-


' 56 THE :BEST HUSH JOKES gain; it was to kill or cure. An' he swears he didn't do either, an' yet he asks the fee!" The verdict, in spite of Pat's ingenuity, was for the doctor. WHO WORE THE TROUSERS? "But, Madam," said the surgeon, after the womal\. had recovered consciousness in the hos pital, "Why didn't you stop, when the traffic policeman held up his hand? Then you would not have been struck by the automobile." "What? Me stop when Jim McGinnis holds. up his hand? I'll have ye know thot I'm his wife, an' he niver saw the day whin he could boss me!" AT THE DANCE "You'll have to excuse me," the young man apologized to his partner, "sometimes I dance better than this. I'm a little stiff from polo." Maggie Clancey smiled demurely at him. "Is that so! I ha vs siv'ral friends from there." HE LOOKED Nora Brady 'was walking with her best young man. "Would you like to see where I was vaccinated?" she asked cooingly. "Indeed, I would!" "It was in that hospital," she pointed careIully across the street.


THE BEST IRISH JOKES '67 TRUE ENOUGH An Irishman and a Jew were holding a de bate as to the respective merits of their re ligion. The debate waxed fa11t and furious, when the Irishman delivered a crusher to the Jew in this form: "Answer me this, Abe: could one of your boys be Pope? No! Now what have ye to say to that?" The Jew considered this thoughtfully. "I've a question for you, Pat. Could one of your boys be God?" "Why, of course not!" "Well," the Jew shrugged his shoulders, "one of our boys made it." MORE EVIDENCE REQUIRED An Irish soldier on sentry duty had orders to allow no one to smoke near his post. An officer with a lighted cigar approached, where upon Pat boldly challenged him, and ordered him to put it out at once. The officer, with a gesture of disgust, threw away his cigar. No sooner was his back turned than Pat picked it up, and quietly re tired to the sentry box. The officer chanced to look around, and saw the cloud of smoke from the sentry box. He at once challenged Pat for smoking on duty. "Smoking, is it, sor? Bedad, an' I'm only keepin' it lit to show to the corporal, whin he comes, as evidence against ye."


I THE BlilST IRISH JOKES DO YOT,J BELIEVE IN SIGNS? An Irishman got on a surface car the other day, with a pipe in his mouth. The conductor said, "Don't you s ee that sign up there, 'No smoking allowed'?" "I'm not smoki' aloud." "Smoking, not permitted." "An' what am I to do," the Irishman won dered aloud, "whin that sign on the other side says, 'Smoke our tobacco in any pipe?' It's enough to make a man bughouse." The conductor --was worried. "But you are smoking; you've got your pipe in your mouth." "Yis, bedad, an' I have my feet in my shoes; but thot doesn't prove I'm walkin', does it?" AMERICAN SLOGANS "Do ye know the difference between a base ball game an' a Protestant Sunday School?" Casey asked a Protestant. "You tell me." "Faith, at a Protestant Sunday School they sing, 'Stand up for Jesus,' an' at a baseball game they holler, 'Sit down, for Christ's sak0!'" NO TIME TO WASTE "Won't you sit down, madam?" a man on th11 subway asked an attractive Irish girL "No, thank you. I'm in a dreadful hurry."


THE BEST IRISH JOKES ill OR THE KLAN "How did you get that medal for saving lives?" "I was out in a boat with five Irishmen, the boat tipped over, and I saved my life." "Who gave you the medal?" "The P. A's," THE WISDOM OF IT "An' what doctor did ye have in, whin Mike got sick." "Doctor Morgan." "Ye ain't havin' Doctor Hogan any more?" "Indade not! Why, Docior Hogan was sick hisself recently, an' d'ye know what he did? He had two other doctors in. Thinks I to my self, I won't trust no doctor that can't doctor himself." THE FACTS OF IT "Do ye know O'Ryan ?" "I know him well." "Can a person believe what he says?" "Yis an' no. I've found out thot, if he tells ye the truth, ye can believe iv'ry word of it; bu t whin he lies, ye'd better haTe no confl dence in him at all."


60 THE BEST IRISH JOKES THE RAW RECRUIT The corporal looked with utter disgust upon the Irish rookie who stood awkwardly before him. "Do ye call yourself a soldier?" "An' why not?" "Ye said ye'd drilled before, when I l e t ye enlist." "An' thot I did. Didn't I work four years in a quarry?" CALLING ON THE LORD "What has become of yer :pretty niece, Missla Kelly-Mamie, I mean." < "Och, sure, an' the girl has done well bYi\ herself. She's Ir)arried a lord,' she is." "Why, you don't tell me! An English lord?" "Faith, an' what would a good Irish girl be doin' wid an English lord? 'Tis an American lord she married-a landlord, who keeps a hotel in Hoboken." HIS TURN NOW "Mike, Mike, stop scratching yer head, my boy." I don't see why, Pat. They begun on me first.


THE BEST IRISH JOKES 61 A MICKS-UP "Faith, an' thol's a sad affair over at Dooley's." "I hadn't heard." "One of his twins died." "That's sad indade." "An' the worst of it is, they look so much alike, nobody can tell which one is died; an' they're afraid they'll bury the wrong one." BUT DID HE? "Bridget, won't ye marry me?" a devoted suitor asked a wealthy young widow. She regarded him smilingly. "Can ye tell me what's the difference between meself an' Mlssis O'Hooligan's Jersey cow?" "Faith, darlint, I don't know." "Then why not marry the cow?" A GOOD ANSWER The judge regarded the woman sternly. "Mrs. Flanagan, I want you to tell me just why it was that you hit your husband with the poker, as you admit you did." "It wasn't my fault, yer Honor. I had to use it-somebody'd hidden the broomstick I always use.''


U TKB BEST IRISH .JOKES PAT'S SEESAW Two greenhorn Irishmen were hired to clean the windows in the eleventh story of a sky scraper building. After they had been fur nished with some chamois and rags, they be gan the job. "You go outside, Pat; said Dennis, "an' I'll stay inside." "D'ye think I'm a goose, to have wings like a bird?" Dennis hadn't thought about that. Both scratched their heads. Finally, he said, "We'll take this plank here, and make a seesaw of it. Tben we can both work at the same time." Pat agreed to this, and the plank was shoved out of the window. After some discussion, Pat took the outside position. When they were working on the first win dow, a fire truck clanged Its way in the street down below, and Pat had to look down to see what all the racket was about. He became so interested that a sudden movement of his leg threw all of Ids rags down to the sidewalk below. "Dennis," he mourned, "I've dropped that chamois, and all thim rags." "Niver mind said Dennis promptly, "I can go down for it easier'n you." So Dennis jumped off his enil of the plank seesaw, and ran down the eleven flights of stairs; the elevators had not been started yet. When he reached the sldew;, Pat w&a.


THE BFST IRISH JOKES 63 there ahead of him, of course. Mike was greatly disgusted. "What was yer dum hurry!" he snorted, as the ambulance came up, IT WAS THRIVING "How's yer rheumatiz, Pat?" "Ah, that rheumatism's thrivin' finely, Mike. I'm the one that's gettin' the worst of it en tirely," THE LEGAL WAY "Bridget, did I see you kissing that police man in the kitchen? I'm amazed at you?" "Well, mum, it's against the law to resist an officer." TRUE ENOUGH "That was a beautiful hat, Pat, your wife wore to Church Easter morning. It was so high I could hardly see the pulpit above it." "It should 'a' been beautiful, Mike; an' it she'd a worn the bill that come with it, you couldn't 'a'. seen the steeple!" NEXT! Two Irishmen got in an argument in a VCJl stead saloon. One of them grew boastful. "I'm a brick, I am, an' nobody kin say I ain't!" "Faith, an' rm a bricklayer," said the other


61 THE BEST IRISH JOKES soCtly, and to lay the first speaker frat. GUESS AGAIN A stranger an Irishman working along a roadway tn New Jersey. "Say, Pat, how far is It to Newark?" "How did ye know my name?" "I guessed it." "Thin guess how tar it ls to Newark." /




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